To ask about your parents and discipline?

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

And how you feel about them/their parenting style?

I was a child of the 80s and my parents either locked me in my room alone (usually not knowing what I'd done wrong) or hit me - open hand, wooden spoon or belt. Not so that it left bruises but it was pretty unpleasant.

I resent them hugely for this now, don't have a good relationship with DM (DF isn't in the picture) and their discipline style didn't have the desired consequences - I rebelled a lot as a teenager.

How did your parents discipline and do you feel like this has changed your relationship in a positive or negative way?

Thanks for any sharing.

[Historygirl97]

I'm quite young so parenting styles may have changed. (I was also born to teenage parents if that has any bearing).

But my parents never physically discipline and we were often sat down and spoken to about the consequences and actions of what we had done.
I'm very very close with my family and I feel they did a good job (I intend to follow their style of parenting - but with more routine- as they were very lax)

[glitterglitters]

Df wasn't about much due to his job but I remember him smacking me when I was about 8. I wanted to watch my one tv programme but my dm had made a roast dinner and I'd kicked off. Only time he ever did.

My dm never laid a finger on me until I was a teenager and sadly, due to some mh issues and alcohol issues with herself she ended up being quite violent towards me. I was very angry about it for a long time but since her death and a lot of time to think and work out what the real situation was ( she was physically and mentally abused by her mother) don't hold any resentment anymore.

Prior to that I would just get my pocket money stopped or no tv for a week.

I was born in the 80s and my parents were a lot older than the norm.

[Honeybee79]

Child of the 1980s. Smacked and shouted ar an awful lot by my Mum. She used to properly lose it - I was terrifying. She wore lots of rings and it really hurt. She'd get right in my face while doing it too. My dad smacked us infrequently but when he did it was v bad. He would occasionally kick too.

My folks had a hard time of it - no money, always working to just scrape by etc. My mum has apologised to me as a grownup and I know she tries to make up for being a bit shit now.

I slapped my DS across the wrist a couple of times when he was a toddler (now 6), eg when he ran into the road. Not DD.

[FinnegansCake]

Grew up in the sixties.

My DM believed in preventive discipline. As a small child she used to shake me very hard so that my head rolled, and she would hiss in my face "Don't you dare show me up when we're out!" before going anywhere. I still have vivid memories of the warmth of her breath and the occasional bit of spittle on my face. I was a very well-behaved child and never threw tantrums.

I was also smacked every morning when I awoke as I tended to whinge about getting dressed, as Sixties clothes had loads of buttons which I found hard at 4 years old. DM used to pre-empt any problems with a quick slap. She still laughs now about my daily "straightener", as she and DF called it.

I was regularly slapped on the backs of my legs as a small child, and across the face as I got bigger. DM would often leave the imprint of all her fingers across my cheek, and she'd comment "That's a beauty!" Usually the reason for the slaps was for looking sullen if she ordered me to do something, or because she didn't like my tone of voice. I was an only child who spent most of my time with my nose in a book, I honestly wasn't naughty - I would never have dared to be.

I was also regularly given the silent treatment, sometimes for as much as a week at a time, without ever being told what transgression I had committed.u

My DM now concedes that she was "a little strict" with me, but always insists that I've turned out fine so it obviously didn't do me any harm

[CPtart]

Child of the 70's. There was quite a lot of shouting in our house, and we were smacked with a plastic spoon although not regularly. It wasn't pleasant but doesnt seem to have done us any harm. My DM once said she thought it wasn't a bad thing for children to actually be a little fearful of their parents, and I somewhat agree with that. I know she found parenting boring and stressful though. It didn't seem to come naturally. And in hindsight, I wonder how often we were smacked in frustration.

[n0ne]

Child of the 80s, got the very occasional open-handed smack on the bum when small from mum, just the threat of a smack prevented further naughtiness later on. Dad left mum to do all the disciplining (and parenting, in fact ). I don't have an issue with having been smacked - both my parents were routinely thrashed with broom handles, wooden spoons, belts etc in the 40s-50s so we got off very lightly! What I resent was being told off for crying, and threatened with violence for crying. Memories of desperately trying to choke off my sobs, hyperventilating, that was unfair.

[glitterglitters]

@n0ne the old "I'll give you something to cry about". Yeah. Hated that. Made me cry harder 😰

[Soubriquet]

I was born in 88

My parents never hit me but I was still frightened of my dad when he had to tell me off.

He used to shout and he was quite aggressive when he shouted

My mum would shout and would say things quite nasty but I loved my parents

Wasn't until I moved out that I realised I had been heavily manipulated by them

I try my hardest to parent how they didn't. I feel sorry for my brother. He's 4. And my mum and dad have a much shorter fuse than they used to.

I've witnessed my dad smack my brother

[fruityb]

Not read the whole thread.

Shouted at, clip round the back of the head but I can count on one hand the amount of times that happened. My dad had a terrifying face and voice when he shouted - he would go wide eyed and shake occasionally. I hated being yelled at. I wasn't in trouble a lot but I do think I copped for a lot of what I did as my younger brother has SN and i do honestly think my mum favoured him over me. I feel worse about that than discipline.

That being said, whenever something happens now where we worry our dad will get annoyed (he's 71 now and far more chilled than when we were younger) we do regress to a state of childlike fear - even my older sister does. That's a bit bad.

Dad would often sit in his armchair when we were kids and if we got too noisy would take his shoe off and hold it in the air - very casually and never taking his eyes off the telly. It was usually enough.

Part of me wonders why my parents had five kids if they got annoyed with the noise. I know I will never make my son fear me - that fear is deep rooted and will never go. I am very close to my dad and love him very much - but I also know I never want to piss him off.

[fruityb]

Born 1981

[fruityb]

And oh yes being told off for crying. You've yelled at me, scared me and given me a clip round the ear but I'll just gulp all these tears in shall I.

[minionsrule]

Born late 60's - youngest of 5. Neither of my parents smacked, got sent to my room quite a bit or yelled at but never smacked.
Once when I was about 10 I came home much later than promised, my mum was furious (obviously worried sick) and asked my dad to deal with me. He took me into the kitchen and clapped his hands together a few times. When I giggled at this he looked stern and said, pretend to cry so mum thinks its real. He did give me a warning never to do it again though.
So sad to hear such sad stories from others - shit parenting it shit parenting whatever the decade

[halfofme]

My siblings and I were born in the first half of the 80s. Our parents were mostly very kind and fair to us. We all got shouted at on occasion and I remember being smacked on the legs once in my life. They were good talkers and would discuss things with us rather than punish . And we did some pretty silly things. We were lucky reading this thread.

[GoodnightSeattle]

Another 90s kid.

Parents were really young when they had me. Both came from very poor, abusive households - mum was sexually abused by stepdad, dad was battered daily by his mum. They really didn't know what they were doing with me. They tried their best but very often got it wrong. I was a very quiet, reserved child and didn't need much discipline until I was reaching puberty.

I was being bullied at school (their advice was always to fight back - I didn't and still don't have a fighting bone in my body) and had two brothers who were boisterous and demanding. I was just kind of left to raise myself a bit.

I remember being very angry for a lot of my pre-pubescent years. Dads rough start and his decision to be a SAHP really emasculated him and he seemed to get some power back by being controlling over us kids. It was never anything terrible, just lots of being dismissed, spoken to shittily, shouted at, any sort of emotion was taken the piss out of, loudly, in front of everyone. I remember being 7 or 8 and having a t-shirt I adored, had had it since I was 3 or something. It was getting a little small granted but I only ever wore it in the house, I wasn't harming anyone. I vividly remember him holding me down and ripping it off me as I was wearing it. Then laughing at me as I cried. That was unpleasant.

I also remember being smacked and swore at a couple of times in extreme anger. That was very rare though and not excessive. But I was a very sensitive kid and I still carry it with me so perhaps it has damaged me a little.

Mum never, ever hit us - she was really against it as she was regularly smacked and hated it. I'm sure she had some heated discussions with dad whenever he hit us. She just shouted a lot. I don't think she was cut out for kids so young. If she had gone out and seen the world a bit, she wouldn't have been so intense.

There was a lot of because I said so in my house. And grounding, removal of phone/TV/internet etc. I don't feel things were ever explained well or had enough thought put into it. I was an intelligent kid and relied heavily on logic to understand the world. They were and still are very feelings-based people. I found that difficult and still do, find myself unable to relate to a lot of what they think, say and do.

I don't have a brilliant relationship with either of them. They feel like more of my dependants than I do them and I get really resentful of that sometimes. I would have loved normal parents. Mostly I just feel very sad, for myself who grew up lonely and without much guidance. And for them - I know they love me more than anything in the world and look at me as some sort of saviour from the unpleasant life they were living at the time. They tried the best they knew how but it wasn't enough and I have a lot of issues - and they'd be devastated if I ever told them how I really feel about my childhood.

Mum sort of knows. She has apologised for being so useless. I think dad doesn't like to think about it.

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

If you went to primary school in the 1970's then you went at time when corporal punishment was still legal, so teachers were allowed to hit children. I still remember feeling so awful the week some boys were going to get the cane, I think it was the anticipation of it that felt so bad. My mum wrote a letter saying me or my brother were not to be caned under any circumstances, girls never were anyway as it was an entirely sexist as well as abusive practice (so sorry to the person on here who was smacked in her first year of infants by the HT, how awful for you).

As for the commonality of being hit it was certainly very common. My parents were unusual in not smacking (apart from one time) and having a more gentle method of discipline. Out of my friendship group, one or two were the same as me, one or two had parents who smacked but it wasn't hugely awful, and one or two had parents who beat them, hit them if they did badly at school, hit them because they were drunk, just didn't see why they shouldn't hit their own children. I'd say university friends were the same, I had one friend who was smacked but had a very good relationship with her parents, and one whose parents hit her with a belt/wooden stick. This was the more extreme end though and we were horrified by it.

Until recently a majority of people in the UK either hit or believed hitting/smacking was ok. I've smacked my own children and wish I hadn't, very occasionally and in matters of extreme desperation but sorry it came to that. I have talked with them about it and they claim not to remember/care as they were tiny, but it has played on my mind.

[gluteustothemaximus]

DH said for all those parents who smacked and hit their children, when the child becomes an adult, they should say....'my turn now then'.

Obviously he doesn't mean it he does a bit Just highlights the imbalance of big strong adult hitting a small weaker child. Exerting power and control.

Hated it. Hate bullies. It's not a form of discipline.

[Ludoole]

Born 1976. Rarely even smacked by dm although once was with a wooden clothes brush. She resorted to silent treatment and getting us to pack a suitcase for when the childrens home picked us up for being naughty kids .
Df never smacked us. Ever. He just gave us THE look and a 3 hour lecture .

[SchnitzelVonCrumb]

I have friends who still smack their children - it's illegal in my country.

"If you don't stop crying you'll get a smack - said to an almost 2 year old"

"I gave her three snacks then her father came home and she was still crying and tried to kick him away so he gave her a bloody good smack - and she still kept going!"

And they wonder why their children are either scared of them or violent...

[LittleIda]

They sound awful SchnitzelVonCrumb. Assuming you meant smacks not snacks. I saw a tiny child of about 1 get smacked for wandering off in a swimming pool changing room and called a stupid little cow. Poor thing was so little i doubt she had any understanding of what was going on.

[A1Sharon]

I'm early 40s, Irish. I don't know a single person that wasn't smacked. I'm sure there are some, but I've never met them. It was totally normal. Wooden spoons being Irish Mammies favourite method of discipline. That is the way discipline was dealt with in those days.
We have moved on, thankfully. But it never did me any harm. I love my parents and know they always loved me. We are a very close family.
It's just the way it was then.
Some of these stories are very sad though, dreadful.

[LittleIda]

I was born in the early 70s and i remember at high school a teacher asking if anyone in the class had never been smacked. No one put their hand up. There was one girl who i know hadn't but she was embarrassed to put her hand up!

[dowhatnow]

60's . I remember being smacked once, that's all. I don't remember punishments particularly either, but we knew never to cross lines and we certainly respected our parents. Perhaps punishments were threatened but I think I was more afraid of disappointing them.

[corythatwas]

60s. Little shouting, mainly a calm and loving approach but with an underlying firmness. Great sense of humour, often laughed together. Usually felt understood. Never smacked.

This was abroad, but dh had a very similar upbringing in the UK slightly earlier in the 60s.
(his mother claimed she had smacked him once or twice, but dh does not remember it, and I wonder if she just said it because she felt she ought to)

My parents also had very loving parents and a mutually respectful atmosphere in the home. My granddad was the kind of man who would rush home from work to play with his children- and we are talking the 1920s and 30s here. They intended to be obeyed but had natural authority so probably never felt the need to smack.

[dowhatnow]

I think I was sent to my room as my worst punishment.

[ifcatscouldtalk]

Some of these are horrendous! I was born 1979. I do remember the odd smack and i remember a boy in my class openly telling everyone to count to 10 and the smack is over quicker ( he was about 8). Tbh i don't feel traumatized by any of it but clearly this is not on the same level as other people's posts. I have never smacked my daughter but have certainly felt the rage at times. I have lost my temper and shouted at her when she's been pushing every button( so definitely not perfect). I think what was once socially acceptable discipline seems so wrong now. I cannot remember the likes of the caine being used at school but my husband can remember it. I was only saying to him the other day that I can't even imagine how furious i would be if a teacher done that to our child or if anyone punished her in that way. It's a different world now and I can't believe historically this was not a long time ago.