To ask about your parents and discipline?

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

And how you feel about them/their parenting style?

I was a child of the 80s and my parents either locked me in my room alone (usually not knowing what I'd done wrong) or hit me - open hand, wooden spoon or belt. Not so that it left bruises but it was pretty unpleasant.

I resent them hugely for this now, don't have a good relationship with DM (DF isn't in the picture) and their discipline style didn't have the desired consequences - I rebelled a lot as a teenager.

How did your parents discipline and do you feel like this has changed your relationship in a positive or negative way?

Thanks for any sharing.

[salsmum]

Hugged blooming Ipad.

[Tisgrand]

Child of the 60s here. I always say that I'm very grateful to my mum for showing me how to be a good mother. I just did everything exactly opposite to how she did it.

She had no time for girl children at all, possibly down to her own parents attitude which was to keep having kids until eventually, after 5 girls, they got the precious son to work and inherit the farm. (Apparently he turned out to be a lazy drunken waster who did nothing for them. Karma's a bitch).

So my mother thought the sun shone out of my brothers' arse. My father was horribly strict and controlling and violent to my lbrothers, and horrifically verbally abusive also.

Because she considered me to be his "pet" she felt duty bound to make sure that the abuse I didn't get from him, I got from her. From the earliest age I remember knowing that she couldn't bear to touch me. If she had to hold my hand crossing the road, she'd grab and pull/squeeze/drag me along and drop my hand like a hot potato as soon as she could. If I transgressed in any way at home, she'd wallop me but her favourite was to pinch me hard on the arm while hissing "you little bitch" at me. She told me I'd never amount to anything and that no man would ever want me. (That one turned me into an extremely promiscuous young woman for a few years!).

I went through a phase, around about 11/12/13, where, having realised that my friends home lives weren't like mine, I would attempt to ask her why she didn't love me. The response was always shut up go away don't bother me, as she turned her back and walked away from me.

I can honestly say that I had no idea what it felt like to love or be loved by another human being, until I met my DH at 23. I had a history of running a mile from any man who told me they loved me. Because I knew that I was unloveable so therefore they were lying. Then I met DH and it felt like we'd known each other all our lives. After a few months I could feel him working up to telling me he loved me and it didn't scare me the way it usually did. But, I had to think hard about I felt about him. Might I possibly love him? I certainly fancied the socks off him. I enjoyed his company and we got each other's sense of humour, loved doing all the same stuff etc. Did that mean I loved him? Just what did love FEEL like?

What decided it for me was thinking, did I ever love anything in the world, and was that feeling compatible to how I felt about him? Well when I was a teenager we had a dog who I adored, who I often hugged and told her all my secrets and I knew that she loved me just for being me.

So yes, I realised that maybe I did actually love him as (some of!) the feelings were the same. I can still remember, 30-odd years later, how weird it felt and sounded to actually say "I love you".

It obviously has got much easier over time, as I tell my now adult DCs several times a day every day how much I love them. They were so easy to raise, no slapping, no shouting, no nasty viciousness at all. Just a bit of mutual respect and plenty of talking /explaining if they did anything "wrong".

By the way I've never told my DH about comparing my feelings about him to what I'd felt for a dog - definitely too weird!

[Henrysmycat]

I was smacked. My mum was and is highly strung and overly emotional, making everything about her. I was nothing but a normal kid who turned out excellent.
Her behaviour continues but I ignore her even tho, she's still very emotionally high maintenance. I was discharged from hospital the same day, I gave birth. First time mum, my hormones were all over, I had latching problems and 12 stitched in my vajay. She thought I was angry at her and had a massive bust up with me until my husband put her in her place.
Fast forward to 6 months ago, I posted here and I realised I was following in her disciplinary footsteps with my own child. I got some good (and some mean/face-the-facts) feedback. I am proud to announce that have since, changed and even saw a specialist. My kid is extremely active; school, daily activities and still have energy at the end of the day. (And no sugar). My husband is the same. I couldn't deal with the hyperactivity as a mother and I was snapping at her.

[Henrysmycat]

tisgrand what a sad childhood.

[lavenderandrose]

I wouldn't say my parents ever disciplined us. I remember very occasional smacks from my dad, but I do wonder if they were more frequent than my memory allows, as I do vividly remember being frightened of going up the stairs if he was behind me.

My mother just used to tell my brother and I how ashamed she was we were her children and compare us unfavourably to every other child of around the same age. I think it's left us both with profound self esteem issues to be honest.

[Tisgrand]

Oh and as for my relationship with my (now deceased) DPs. As a teenager I felt I hated them and that they needn't expect me to look after them in their old age.

Of course that's exactly what did happen; I realised that they only knew one way to "be" and weren't going to change. But I could only "be" me which thankfully wasn't the bitter person they'd tried damn hard to make me. So I did my best for them both. Maybe not with love but with gratitude that I'm the (not so bad) person I am today as a result of my childhood. That sounds very twisted doesn't it?

Anyhoo, my kids love me and my DGC adores me. The best revenge is a life well lived!

[bookworm14]

Born early 80s. Never hit, smacked, locked in my room, or shouted at in an aggressive way. To be honest i can't really remember how I was disciplined, although I clearly must have been! Some of the stories on this thread are very upsetting. for everyone.

[notquiteruralbliss]

60s child. Grew up with no rules, no discipline and parents who loved me. I always felt I had a say in family decisions and didn't rebel as a teenager because there was nothing to rebel against. I have tried to ensure my DCs had the same sort of experience.

[SabineUndine]

Born in the 60s. Occasionally smacked, often threatened with it and shouted at. My dad was worst though, he would get at me just to show me who was boss and I'd spend the evening in my room crying. He never did this to my brother and I felt he thought I was a threat to his authority. He was a twat and my mum backed him up for the sake of a quiet life.

[SuperBeagle]

80s child of a single mother.

I wasn't disciplined, really. Threatened every now and then, but it was rarely followed through with. I was smacked once that I can recall, and it's because I was being a right cheeky bugger. It certainly didn't bother me. I ran off giggling.

My mum's my best friend. I don't agree with her lack of discipline and I'm certainly not as lenient with my own (four) children, but I understand why she felt she had to pick her battles. She had a lot on her plate, working full-time, money was tight, she had a wilful child who had a vastly different personality to herself, and she was far away from all of her family etc. She found it easier to let 99% of things slide, and that's understandable, IMO. Pick your battles and all of that. I turned out completely fine.

[Imamouseduh]

I don't recognise most of the others posters situations. I find it hard to believe that such a huge % of the population lived this way.

In RL, none of the, say 40 people I knew at school lived that way. None of the 50 people I knew at uni did. None of the 100 or so people I've met, and know a tiny bit, in the last 10-15 years did

What a ridiculous statement. You have absolutely no idea what the home life of others was really like. Even those close to you. It's not something most people talk about.

[NapQueen]

Born 1985.

Made to stay at the dinner table alone til my plate was clear
Slapped on the back of the calves "when I was working my ticket"
Grounded for 6 months (over the 6 weeks holidays!) for skipping a PE lesson

They were miles more lenient on my little sister

[FindoGask]

There was plenty of smacking and sometimes worse when I was a child. Both my parents would lose their tempers and 'discipline' would really be them taking out their anger on me. I would say that now I'm nearly 40 I've made peace with it, and with them (though I don't think either of them would acknowledge everything they did - there was an incident when my mum broke a full coffee cup over my head when I was a teenager that she flatly denied a few years later). They were each having a difficult time and neither are bad people. And weirdly I never felt unloved. It's all very complex and messy.

[Ilovewillow]

Born in the early 70's and my dad never hit either of us and very rarely disciplined us. My mum had a look which was enough generally!! She smacked us very rarely as young children although more of a tap with an open hand on the top of the legs. She had a naughty step (bottom of the staircase). I remember being 5 or so and drawing on the carpet and being made to scrub it clean. They were and continue to be brilliant parents. I don't hold any grudge for the odd smack but I have never smacked my children 8 & 3 and never would.

[smilingsarahb]

I wasn't smacked. I don't really remember how they disciplined me to be honest. I got the impression love was entirely conditional on my behaviour basically (lots of cold silences /sulking /small amount of shouting) my mum in particular used to have a favourite child of the moment depending on behaviour and when social services removed my eldest sibling from the family home I was given the idea that she was naughty so wasn't allowed with us. I try very hard not to sulk or be conditional with my love. I mainly try positive discipline and mainly succeed. I am only human and my weakness is an occasional shout. I feel like a failure when I have shouted though.

[PuffinDodger]

My dad gave me the occasional smack, but that was very normal for the 70s and he was a good dad.
My mum was very volatile and had lots of mental health problems. Lots of hitting (head/back/anywhere) verbal abuse, throwing/breaking things, shouting, crying. It was a nightmare and i have a pretty low opinion of her still. Only thing I do hold against my dad is that he should have protected me from her.

[PuffinDodger]

I don't recognise most of the others posters situations. I find it hard to believe that such a huge % of the population lived this way.

In RL, none of the, say 40 people I knew at school lived that way. None of the 50 people I knew at uni did. None of the 100 or so people I've met, and know a tiny bit, in the last 10-15 years did.

I'm not clear, are you saying you don't believe what people on the thread are saying about their childhoods?

[Oblomov17]

"What a ridiculous statement. You have absolutely no idea what the home life of others was really like. Even those close to you. It's not something most people talk about."

Imamouse, you said that what I said was a "ridiculous statement"? Really? How do you know? That's very presumptuous.

It is the kind of thing many people talk about. I talk about it with many many people. How do you know how many people I have talked about it with?

I've talked about it with many people from school and uni and many of the school mums I currently know. It's not such a 'secret subject'. People I know and people my friends in other places know, and my brothers and sisters, and my sil's all say they have such conversations. People are much more open about it, even those that were smacked and shouted at, and worse.

So please don't make such statements. About me being "ridiculous".

[MsGameandWatch]

Slapped round the face, kicked, dragged around by hair, shoved, attacked basically. Often just her own frustrations rather than anything I had done. Humiliation, name calling, she choked me a couple of times, spat in my face as a teenager. My Dad was away a lot so I think didn't know everything that was going on.

We have regular periods of NC because she's still a bully though keeps it very well hidden these days, funnily enough it's my Dad that's nasty to my kids now, though he would just call it necessary discipline. My Mum makes a lot of effort with them, I sometimes wonder if she's trying to make up for what she did to me.

I don't like my parents and have this weird guilt and obligation complex towards my Mum because she had an utterly horrendous childhood.

I was sometimes shouty with my kids when they were younger, am lone parent and it was tough. Very rarely now though and I think we are close. I home ed one through necessity and the youngest is clamouring for it too as she says she wants to be with me. I never wanted to be with my mum, I was too scared of her and avoided her where possible.

[Oblomov17]

Puffindodger, no of course I'm not saying that I don't believe them. Whatever made you think that I was implying that these people were? What lying?

I never thought that. Nor inferred that.

Of course there are many people who were smacked etc. This thread in the beginning was primarily those.

I was simply saying that there are many people who weren't. There is a balance. That this thread didn't present at the time I posted.

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

I was born in 1978, have two younger brothers.

I had very happy childhood. Can remember my mum shouting sometimes but both my parents made decision not to smack. Think my mum may have snapped once or twice and smacked my brother, but it was definitely something she regretted.

Lots of hugs and affection from both parents too.

[Christonacracker]

I was a child of the 70's, with a mother strung out on Valium, like so many mum's of that time. Her first response to any situation was to lash out physically, even though my sister and I were mostly very well behaved. My dad was brilliant, and did everything he could to keep a balance during mother's many breakdowns. He died about fifteen years ago and without him there to pick up the pieces my mum has had to take responsibility for her actions (I mean that kindly). We've had a terribly fraught relationship, but I can see she carries an enormous burden of guilt when she sees my sister and I raising our children completely differently. I love my mum and feel extremely sorry that her mental health issues were just tranquillised rather than treated.

[MsGameandWatch]

Oh and yes the silent treatment. The longest was a period of around four months. Neither parent spoke a word to me after reading my diary and reading what I thought of them. My Mum used to slam my dinner on the table in front of me. Then they'd sit there eating and chatting to each other and my sister leaving me out completely. Any necessary conversation was in abrupt aggressive tone accompanied by dirty looks.

[Imamouseduh]

Oblomov yes I do stand by my statement. You are saying that none of the 100 people you have met in the last 15 years were ever hit by their parents, because you've never heard them talk about it. By that measure nothing bad has ever happened to the majority of people I know. No one has ever mentioned it over a cup of coffee, so it must never have happened!

A stupid and naive comment.

[DonaldStott]

My dad was the disciplinarian in our house. He had a booming voice and if we done something deemed as naughty, we would beg my mum not to tell our dad.

I had a couple of smacks off him, which I remember vividly. It was horrible.

I cannot comprehend how someone bigger, stronger and supposed to love you more than anything, could purposefully inflict such pain on someone smaller, more vulnerable than them.

If anyone done that to my dd, ironically, I'd twat them