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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by this doctor's insinuation

163 replies

LittleSausageFingers · 11/03/2017 23:14

My little girl was diagnosed with a rare form of deafness this week, she's 13 months and totally gorgeous and amazing. Her condition is very rare in otherwise "well" kids... babies who have a rough start in life, hypoxia, intubation etc, can develop it, but in babies with none of those issues it's very rare. There are some gene mutations linked to it, so often genetic testing is done on families to see whether it has been caused by faulty genes.

When the doctor (who was with our normal consultant, and introduced herself as a "trainee consultant" Hmm) said that we would be offered genetic testing, she said "in case you're thinking of having more children". Both DH and I felt a bit offended by the drs insinuation that we wouldn't want more kids if they would also be deaf... We just didn't feel like she needed to say anything about our family plans. I can't stop thinking about it, she made me feel sad, I suppose. Obviously no-one would wish their child to be deaf, but it's part of who my little girl is, and she's perfect to me.

AIBU to be a bit offended? I probably am, I suppose, I don't think she meant harm, but it was unnecessary and it upset me.

OP posts:
Cakescakescakes · 11/03/2017 23:17

Lots of people chose to have only one child regardless of circumstances so I think you are overthinking this a bit. (Disclaimer: I also have one DC who has a disability and one who is younger and doesn't).

Sycamoretrees · 11/03/2017 23:18

I think I understand where you are coming from, but surely you'd want to know if it is genetic so you can at least consider the options available to you to avoid any future children having the same challenges. It's not a reflection of how much you love your DD1.

Wolfiefan · 11/03/2017 23:19

Not everyone wants more than one. I wouldn't read it as you wouldn't want a child that could be deaf.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 11/03/2017 23:20

I think you got the wrong eng of the stick there.

RedBugMug · 11/03/2017 23:21

yabu
it's a point the drs will have to consider as there are many people who wouldn't want to risk a pregnancy if the chance of having a child with a disability is much bigger than usual.

BumWad · 11/03/2017 23:21

YABU

The doctor wasn't insinuating anything. The point is to be well informed about your daughters condition.

semanwen · 11/03/2017 23:22

in my family there is a rare genetic condition- were were told 5 children in the UK at 1 point. All females of child bearing age were offered genetic screening- some took it up and some didnt.

It is a choice that is available for those that want it.

ZilphasHatpin · 11/03/2017 23:22

Think of how many parents they speak to who ask "is it genetic? Will our next child be deaf too?" They're just answering a question they expect you will ask. Don't be offended, it wasn't based on any judgement made on you, it was based on their experience of having dealt with so many people in your situation who did want to know the answer to that question.

angelikacpickles · 11/03/2017 23:22

I wouldn't have taken that to mean that you wouldn't want more kids if they would be deaf - just that you might want the information so that you would know the level of risk you would be facing if you did decide to have more children.

Ginmakesitallok · 11/03/2017 23:22

Yabu. Knowing whether or not you have the gene is just information about risks to any future children. She wasn't making a judgement about your little girl. X

LockedOutOfMN · 11/03/2017 23:22

Agree with you, OP. I'd have been upset by that too.

user1488971792 · 11/03/2017 23:22

I wouldnt read it as anything other than what she said. My daughter was genetically tested for various things and we were asked the same incase we wanted anymore children. its just something to consider and rightly so. In fact i went onto have another child who happened to not be affected but I'm glad it was offered to me as i could then make an informed decision. Its a lot to take in at the moment and you are probably deep inside feeling angry and upset, which is exactly how i felt Flowers

HeyRoly · 11/03/2017 23:22

I don't think it's offensive. Knowledge is power, and most parents would like to know if there was a genetic element to their child's deafness. Not because they would decide against having further children for fear of having another deaf child, but just because it's beneficial to know that it's a possibility.

Why the Hmm face over "trainee consultant", incidentally?

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 11/03/2017 23:22

Did you think the genetic was unnecessary?

LawrenceSMarlow · 11/03/2017 23:23

I'm not sure if you are unreasonable or not. Can you think of how the doctor could have said it differently, in a way that wouldn't have been offensive?
I'm interested in why you thought it was weird that she described herself as a trainee consultant?

Llanali · 11/03/2017 23:23

Yabvu; it's a standard statement and offering. I can't see that there's any implication regarding you not wanting another child in case he or she would also be deaf? Genuinely I can't see where you're getting that. Sorry.

Also, what is wierd about someone saying that they are a trainee consultant??

KoolKoala07 · 11/03/2017 23:23

I think you've misinterpreted it. It's common for one to say 'in case you're thinking of having more children' as not to assume you will be or to assume you won't.

LawrenceSMarlow · 11/03/2017 23:24

I'm not the doctor, honest Grin

Original poster
LittleSausageFingers · 11/03/2017 23:24

Thanks for the replies. Oh yes, totally understand that many people only want one, and to be honest i can't see us having another any time soon, if ever! I probably did get the wrong end of the stick, just felt like it didn't need to be said, as obviously it could be easily misconstrued!

OP posts:
SnugglyBedSocks · 11/03/2017 23:24

YABU. You're completely over thinking an innocent comment made by a clinician about having the option for genetic testing available to you if you were to have more children.

Voice0fReason · 11/03/2017 23:25

You have misunderstood what the doctor was saying. The condition is genetic so if you want more children you need to understand the genetic implications so you are fully informed and can make a decision with all the relevant information.
It wasn't a judgment on what you would do with that information.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 11/03/2017 23:25

Yab a bit U. Some people might choose not to have more children based on the findings of the genetic test. The Doctor was trying in a clumsy way to explain why they were offering you the test. They didn't say not to have more children. If the test was positive, it would flag the possibility of any future children having the same disability.

NotaSnowflake · 11/03/2017 23:26

Sorry I really don't get the issue? She said "You'll be offered genetic testing in case you have anymore" (except she worded it more professionally) what on Earth is wrong with what she said??

Why are people so delicate these days? It's part of life. Different people, different strokes. Everyone has different ways of wording things and occasionally it seem harsh to some. But that's how they are and they just happen to be wired differently to you. That's life!! Brush it off and focus on your lovely baby. Life's too short!! X

Salmotrutta · 11/03/2017 23:26

Why would you be offended by someone telling you that you could have a consultation about genetic testing?
Confused

Wouldn't you want to have all the information and statistical probabilities explained to you before you made a decision about trying to conceive other children?

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 11/03/2017 23:27

Why was the way the doctor expressed it clumsy?

It's perfectly acceptable and widely used.