Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by this doctor's insinuation

163 replies

LittleSausageFingers · 11/03/2017 23:14

My little girl was diagnosed with a rare form of deafness this week, she's 13 months and totally gorgeous and amazing. Her condition is very rare in otherwise "well" kids... babies who have a rough start in life, hypoxia, intubation etc, can develop it, but in babies with none of those issues it's very rare. There are some gene mutations linked to it, so often genetic testing is done on families to see whether it has been caused by faulty genes.

When the doctor (who was with our normal consultant, and introduced herself as a "trainee consultant" Hmm) said that we would be offered genetic testing, she said "in case you're thinking of having more children". Both DH and I felt a bit offended by the drs insinuation that we wouldn't want more kids if they would also be deaf... We just didn't feel like she needed to say anything about our family plans. I can't stop thinking about it, she made me feel sad, I suppose. Obviously no-one would wish their child to be deaf, but it's part of who my little girl is, and she's perfect to me.

AIBU to be a bit offended? I probably am, I suppose, I don't think she meant harm, but it was unnecessary and it upset me.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 11/03/2017 23:27

How do you think she could have worded it better?

I think she did alright, she was saying that there is genetic counselling available to you. I don't know how she could have handed it differently but I wasn't there and maybe it was the way she said it that offended you?

I do not think you are unreasonable but I do think you are sensitive..
I totally understand why, you are going through a very difficult thing and it can't be easy. I wish you and your family all the best x

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 11/03/2017 23:29

So she said something along the lines of 'you might want to have genetic testing should you decide to have more children'?

I don't understand what's wrong with that, I don't think it's about implying you wouldn't want another child, it's just about being informed, and making an informed decision.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 11/03/2017 23:29

They do it in case you wanted more children because there's no need to go it in case you didn't want anymore.

And that's what they say.

Original poster
LittleSausageFingers · 11/03/2017 23:30

Obviously we will take them up on the testing. I have a phd in molecular genetics so will be v interested in the results Grin

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 11/03/2017 23:30

I had genetic testing done before I had children, I count my blessings that I live in country that offers me the chance to make informed decisions.

AnyFucker · 11/03/2017 23:30

I think you are out of order. The doctor "insinuated" nothing at all.

It is standard to offer genetic testing so that any decisions you make about future children are informed ones. No more, no less.

Splodgeinc · 11/03/2017 23:31

I think you are probably in a vulnerable place right now and so any perceived insult is going to be hard. I am sorry that the way she communicated didn't make you feel comfortable. I don't think she meant any harm, she didn't say you have to have the testing but that you could have it if you wanted it, if you want more children, as in there are too "ifs" before you have the testing 1. If you want another kid and 2.if you want testing. It's her duty to make you aware it's available should you like, if she didn't and you had wanted it it would be a bit late after you had got pregnant again.

I am interested to know what wording you would have found better and also how you would have preferred her to introduce herself? I assume she is a speciality trainee- therefore she is traning to be a consultant. There is debate in the profession as to what senior specialty trainees should call themselves as "junior doctor" really Disney reflect their often 10+years of post grad tranining at this point.

Best wishes to your daughter

NotaSnowflake · 11/03/2017 23:32

Well said AnyF

Splodgeinc · 11/03/2017 23:32

Disney = doesn't damm autocorrect

Llanali · 11/03/2017 23:37

Yes, I'm still keen to hear what is wrong with being called a trainee consultant.

SnugglyBedSocks · 11/03/2017 23:38

So if you're going to take them up on the testing, what is there to be offended about Confused

Original poster
LittleSausageFingers · 11/03/2017 23:39

Yeah I can see where the majority are coming from, I think it was badly put (the words I used in the OP weren't the exact words she used, I can't quite remember how she said it, but it was not delicately put). For me personally, I don't think she needed to say anything about future family plans, unless I'd asked, for example, "why would we want genetic testing?" I would have thought that the implications for family plans would be better discussed with a genetic counselor. If was kind of a run-down of next steps "we'll offer you x, y, z" and very brief. Meh, I'll remain offended but concede that IABU!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleSausageFingers · 11/03/2017 23:40

I just didn't think it was the done thing to refer to yourself as a trainee consultant, that's all!

OP posts:
Splodgeinc · 11/03/2017 23:40

Also it is possible that you may be able to have PGD to ensure that any further children (should you wish to have them) are born without the condition (if you want that). It is good to be informed of the possibilities even if you decide to take them up. We have had PGD to hopefully ensure our little one dosent have a genetic condition I carry but we will love and want her all the same even if she does have it. I would have been very upset if I had not been made aware of the possibility of doing this, it's an emotive issue and I guess different things offend different people

altiara · 11/03/2017 23:46

Of course she had to mention future family plans otherwise someone would be on here complaining that they had no idea it could affect another child!

Llanali · 11/03/2017 23:50

Why ever not?

She may have a) wanted to reassure you that she was an experienced professional in her own right
B) might not have been confident you understood that "junior doctors" are anyone below consultant not just students etc: many people don't know this
C) is actively and correctly
Participating in the NHS scheme of "hello my name is" and introducing herself properly to you.

3luckystars · 11/03/2017 23:50

Oh I see, she was insinuating that if you knew, that you wouldn't have a baby with this condition, whereas to you, your daughter is perfect and you can't imagine a world without her. I totally understand now.
I hope you are ok, it's a lot to deal with alright but your daughter sounds like a lovely little girl and a total joy! Congratulations and best wishes for the future x

mrsplum2015 · 11/03/2017 23:51

I would respect the fact she said she was a trainee consultant. She's saying she doesn't know it all and opening it up to you to ask her to check things out or seek more info from someone more experienced.

I also agree with everyone else. I work with disabled children and it's absolutely standard that parents are offered genetic counselling if they are thinking of further increasing their family size (not just for interest purposes which seems to be your reason for wanting to know but wouldn't constitute a medical need to be provided by nhs care). I think you're reading way too much into it!

Bellaposy · 11/03/2017 23:54

What on earth was wrong with what she said? She's not psychic, she doesn't know if you want more children or not?! If she'd said "When you have more children" would you have been offended at the insinuation you must want more than one. Honestly Hmm

Birthdaypartyangstiness · 11/03/2017 23:56

I'm a consultant in a particularly specialty.

I have junior doctors working with me now and again.

Some are passing through to get experience in my specialty in order to be a GP. Some are very junior and simply getting a taste of everything before they decide what they are going to apply to train in. Others are on a very established training program to become a consultant in my specialty. Those who are fairly far along this path might introduce themselves as a trainee consultant. Which is, after all, what they are.

haveacupoftea · 11/03/2017 23:59

But that is the reason why they are doing more testing, in case you want more children. I think you're being a bit oversensitive

kimann · 12/03/2017 00:01

Confused Biscuit

hibbledobble · 12/03/2017 00:05

Yabu

Nothing was insinuated by her statement.

I would assume trainee consultant to meam a senior registrar. Many people are not familiar with the terminology in medical training, and this is just an easier way of explaining their role briefly.

Miniwookie · 12/03/2017 00:07

Is it possible that the genetic conditions that cause her deafess also have other implications. My daughter has a genetic condition. We were not planning any more DC. DH had had a vasectomy by the time she was dx, but we were offered testing as if one of us had a genetic abnormality it could have implications for our other DC and also for my siblings and their future DC. It turned out to be a spontaneous mutation.

saltyshoes · 12/03/2017 00:11

The doctor could be accused of negligence if she didn't inform you the condition was likely genetic and that it could affect future children. She was just doing her job.