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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by this doctor's insinuation

163 replies

LittleSausageFingers · 11/03/2017 23:14

My little girl was diagnosed with a rare form of deafness this week, she's 13 months and totally gorgeous and amazing. Her condition is very rare in otherwise "well" kids... babies who have a rough start in life, hypoxia, intubation etc, can develop it, but in babies with none of those issues it's very rare. There are some gene mutations linked to it, so often genetic testing is done on families to see whether it has been caused by faulty genes.

When the doctor (who was with our normal consultant, and introduced herself as a "trainee consultant" Hmm) said that we would be offered genetic testing, she said "in case you're thinking of having more children". Both DH and I felt a bit offended by the drs insinuation that we wouldn't want more kids if they would also be deaf... We just didn't feel like she needed to say anything about our family plans. I can't stop thinking about it, she made me feel sad, I suppose. Obviously no-one would wish their child to be deaf, but it's part of who my little girl is, and she's perfect to me.

AIBU to be a bit offended? I probably am, I suppose, I don't think she meant harm, but it was unnecessary and it upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleSausageFingers · 12/03/2017 00:12

Yes wookie, exactly that. For me, wanting to know will mean that we have more information about what we can expect for her in the future. Implications for having more kids are secondary to that, and tbh that wasn't really on my radar. Rather foolishly, probably, I was only thinking of genetic testing in terms of DDs condition. But I've now been told!

OP posts:
BlinkyT · 12/03/2017 00:32

OP, Fair play for conceding that YWBU. I suspect you were just feeling a little sensitive.

lougle · 12/03/2017 00:43

DD1 was diagnosed with a likely genetic condition when I was 13 weeks pregnant with DD3. We still don't know what that condition is now, and she is 11 years old. But, because I was already pregnant when DD1 was diagnosed, I was fast-tracked for genetics, despite the fact that

a) I had refused the triple test for DD1's pregnancy (the nuchal fold test hadn't come in at that point) on the basis that I wouldn't have an amnio and wouldn't abort for abnormalities.
and
b) had refused the triple test and nuchal fold scan for DD2 because I wouldn't proceed to amnio or abort for abnormalities (DD2 was born before we knew DD1 had a disability - she was a delayed diagnosis)
and
c) we had refused the triple test and nuchal fold scan for DD3 because we wouldn't proceed to amnio or abort for abnormalities.

However, we did accept all 20 week scans and gratefully accepted the genetics appointment, where they recommended additional detailed scans to check for growth, microcephaly and fine detail such as clinodactyly (curvature of the fingers), which DD1 has. We could see, even on ultrasound, that DD3 didn't have any clinodactyly or Microcephaly, and her growth was normal. So that reassured the team that she was unlikely to have the same condition as her sister.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 12/03/2017 01:15

Thank goodness you've realised you were being unreasonable! It'll make future meetings with this doctor more productive if you don't harbour suspicion of perceived insults.

Woollymammoth63 · 12/03/2017 01:19

Information is power and that's what she was offering to you.

BillSykesDog · 12/03/2017 01:28

I think that you're thinking about this coming from the position that you have a PhD in Molecular Genetics. If the doctor had said to you 'We can offer you genetic testing' you would have understood perfectly what that meant and the implications. But a lot of people that she will see wouldn't be able to make the connection so easily and so would need added clarification that the reason it was offered was in case they were thinking about more children so they would know any implications for future children.

It would be unfair to all the other patients who do need that information for her to be forced to leave it out.

MommaGee · 12/03/2017 01:33

I get you op. We were offered the same whilst our 4 WEEK old baby was still really very poorly in PICU!

Its the inference that you would have done things differently if you'd know your daughter would have a disability...
Sending Flowers

kali110 · 12/03/2017 01:48

What? I don't understand how she's been offensive? How is she to know if you were planning on having anymore children? She hasn't said it in a clumsy way

MommaGee · 12/03/2017 02:04

There's significant encouragement on parents to abort disabled babies. So having a doctor offering genetic testing /counselling before having more children can make it feel a bit like "well male site the next one come out right". OP apologies if I'm projecting

BeaderBird · 12/03/2017 02:54

Her comment has nothing to do with your daughter's deafness.

Imagine if she had said 'I'll not prescribe you this medication as it can interfere with fertility just in case you want to have more children.'

Perfectly reasonable in both cases, surely?

BeaderBird · 12/03/2017 03:00

There's no reference or insinuation in her comment - it's merely projection.

Pseudonym99 · 12/03/2017 07:05

The fact you have a Phd implies you are intelligent enough to understand the reasons why she said what she said Confused

BewtySkoolDropowt · 12/03/2017 07:12

Of course she needs to make it clear that the reason for the genetic testing is so that you can know what the probability of this affecting future family would be.

There's no point in finding out how likely this is to affect future children if you won't be having any more...

StarlingMurderation · 12/03/2017 07:15

DS has a congenital deformity of the hand which can be linked to some genetic conditions. The actual deformity itself is very very minor, but it can be linked to some very severe and horrible issues of the heart, nervous system, kidneys etc. When we were offered genetic testing in case we had more kids, it wasn't because having a hand deformity was so awful, it was because some of the related conditions are so grim. If we can rule these out, we're in a better position to make decisions about whether to try for another child.

elodie2000 · 12/03/2017 07:23

Obviously we will take them up on the testing. I have a phd in molecular genetics so will be v interested in the results grin

Mmm... Confused So with your PHD, you clearly understand the importance of genetics in all areas of life?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 12/03/2017 07:23

Honestly who'd be someone, anyone, who works in a job where they are required to communicate with the general public?!

If Mumsnet is anything to go by, the scope for causing offence is massive! When I read, 'was I right to be offended?' on MN I nearly always think, 'eh?!' And all the other times I think, 'eh?!?!?!?!?!'

If you need to ask if you've been offended then you probably haven't been. Because you'll know for sure when someone really does.

Sorry if I've offended anyone.

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum · 12/03/2017 07:26

If she was just deaf I would understand you OP but there are other issues too. Had she said nothing and this was repeated to the detriment of subsequent children that would have been wrong too.

SuperBeagle · 12/03/2017 07:46

They were only suggesting that you should know the nature of the condition, and understand whether it is genetic and the implications of that...

It'd be irresponsible of them to not say that.

CycleHire · 12/03/2017 07:48

I can understand you feeling hurt by the idea you wouldn't want another child like the daughter you love very much. But I don't think the doctor was unreasonable to mention genetic testing as many people would want that option.

pallasathena · 12/03/2017 07:50

I think you are projecting your own hurt and upset on the trainee consultant. She was an easy target for you to dump on despite all the pronouncements you make about how amazing your daughter is.
You come over as one of those perennially offended people who can't cope with a bit of difficulty in their lives and so have to have someone to 'blame'.
So yes, you are being unreasonable but more to the point, analyse why you are being so nasty to someone who is just trying to help.

Pseudonym99 · 12/03/2017 07:50

And also, if you have the genetic testing, that will also be information you can pass onto your child at a future date so that they can also make an informed decision.

Pseudonym99 · 12/03/2017 07:52

And what would you rather she called herself instead of trainee consultant? Should she have pretended she was a fully fledged consultant? Should she have said nothing so you didn't have a clue who she was?

Chloe84 · 12/03/2017 07:57

I can't quite remember how she said it, but it was not delicately put

You were offended but can't even remember how she said it?

She did nothing wrong OP. And if she's a trainee, it's perfectly ok for her to say that.

ScaryMonstersandSuperCreeps · 12/03/2017 07:58

OP my ds2 also has a rare genetic condition related to deafness. I discovered it myself by researching online and presented the findings to his psychiatrist in London who said it wasn't what I said it was. I then went to ds's paediatrician and told him what I thought. He agreed with me and ds was tested. There are three main types of the syndrome and one can't be tested for. The geneticist told me he is 99% certain he has the one that can't be tested for. I wonder if our children have the same syndrome. I am going to send you a PM.

Gizlotsmum · 12/03/2017 08:00

If it is caused by a genetic link from either of you is there a chance that any subsequent children could have a more severe form? Is that why the dr mentioned the testing and future children?