To be offended by this doctor's insinuation

[LittleSausageFingers]

My little girl was diagnosed with a rare form of deafness this week, she's 13 months and totally gorgeous and amazing. Her condition is very rare in otherwise "well" kids... babies who have a rough start in life, hypoxia, intubation etc, can develop it, but in babies with none of those issues it's very rare. There are some gene mutations linked to it, so often genetic testing is done on families to see whether it has been caused by faulty genes.

When the doctor (who was with our normal consultant, and introduced herself as a "trainee consultant" ) said that we would be offered genetic testing, she said "in case you're thinking of having more children". Both DH and I felt a bit offended by the drs insinuation that we wouldn't want more kids if they would also be deaf... We just didn't feel like she needed to say anything about our family plans. I can't stop thinking about it, she made me feel sad, I suppose. Obviously no-one would wish their child to be deaf, but it's part of who my little girl is, and she's perfect to me.

AIBU to be a bit offended? I probably am, I suppose, I don't think she meant harm, but it was unnecessary and it upset me.

I am not sure I agree with that anne
It may well be the whole concept that upset the OP and she has the right to feel what she feels.

Its also very common not to remember what went on in a very important medical appointment.

I have sat through appointments with parents where they are told in great detail about their child's condition and diagnosis.
I have heard doctors say 'is that clear?' and for parents to nod.

Then have them ask me when we get out of the door 'does he have [insert condition] or not?'

It happens a lot, to all kinds of people. Not just special snowflakes.

I didn't say special snowflake mrs dv?

You are reading too much into this OP. It is genetic counselling: an oppportunity to find out likelihood of further children inheriting the condition and they may even be able to tell you what your dd's chances are of passing gene on. That info in theory arms couples to make informed choices in the future. It is bog standard for all conditions/inherited genes. They are not insinuating that you would not want any more children (although I have a child with a minor birth defect and you need to be prepared for some people making the assumption that your dd's condition would put you off considering more)

How nice of you miserableandinpain to effectively label someone as a snowflake, a parent who has a young child with various health issues. She's likely coming to terms with it all. It's understandable that she's feeling emotional and unsure and she admitted she's BU. Have a heart, eh?!

OP, I understand your visceral response. You have a gorgeous and beautiful daughter, I hope you enjoy every minute.

I know you didn't.
Miserable did.

I think it's very easy for us to misinterpret things, when we are in a stressful, or emotive situation.
I don't think she said anything wrong, under the circumstances.
LittleSausage, of course, without a shadow of a doubt, your darling little daughter, is perfect. 🌸

I think that most people would be able to take it as it was probably intended, i.e. offering a service that was available if you wanted it.
However, if your child has just been diagnosed with a genetic condition then it's an emotionally charged time which is hard no matter how much you love your child and it's easy to read something which isn't there into comments that people make. The OP isn't being unreasonable as a result.

Rare form of deafness that is more common in babies who were ventilated?

Auditory neuropathy by any chance?

Given the choice would you have preferred to know your child was deaf at birth? Or before she was born?

That is the option you are being given if you do have more children.

I think you took it wrongly. She said it as sh doesn't know whether you would want more kids or not. Nothing to do weather the condition.

Yabu. Many people have only one child.

Also our DS sees a collection of doctors in a clinic. I now understand their training grades cos I was interested and asked, but the ST7 initially introduced herself as a trainee consultant and it made a hell of a lot more sense than a random numbers/letters acronym! It means she is training to be a consultant paediatrician - whereas some of the junior docs in the dept are training to be GPs or haven't made their decisions yet and have many fewer years behind them. It might not be official but trainee consultant helps distinguish between all the junior docs and your squiggly face is BU too

Very offensive and totally unnecessary comment. Some of these doctors are just stone cold and have no people skills.

Also, no such thing as a trainee consultant. The grade down from consultant is a registrar. She is trying to position herself as more experienced than she really is. A registrar can in fact still be classed as a junior doctor in some instances depending on their experience!

Definitely not someone I'd put much trust in and there was definitely an inference being made about your family plans.

Good job you were actually there eh Music.

That bastard doctor, eh Music

Fancy informing op that she could have support in making informed choices about any subsequent pregnancies. He/she should be struck off immediately!

She wasnt insinuating anything. You took it the wrong way and made your own interpretations.

I think doctors have to give 'informed consent' these days so that maybe why she said that
They have to tell you the pros and cons and reasons for everything so you can make an informed decision
(Otherwise they may leave themselves open to litigation)

The inference is that you would want to be fully informed before having another child. There could be associated symptoms/syndromes that you would feel more strongly about. Being fully aware of the possibilities will help you plan how big a gap to leave, whether to look at fertility treatment to screen risks, or decide not to have another child.

I don't think the trainee consultant was trying to counsel you not to have more children, but that you need to know the chances of it happening again. A 50:50 chance is a very different thing to a 10:1.

YOu are talking to yourselves
The OP has gone.
Possibly because she experiencing some very difficult emotions and can do without people repeating the same thing over and over again.

I imagine she knows she was being over sensitive and got the wrong end of the stick by now.

That doesn't mean she is completely in the wrong.
The medical model is totally deficit based. Genetic testing has been an amazing leap forward in many cases but let us not pretend we don't know what it is for.
How you feel about that is your own affair and I am not absolute either way. But it is what it is.
When you have a child with a genetic condition that can be difficult to hear. Not wrong, not right but still difficult.

OP

yeah it probably was horrid of me to say but hey just saying what i feel. be grateful they are trying to give you the information to help you in the future. but no lets take offence instead. if they didn't say this and they had another child with the same issue they would be all singing and dancing how they weren't warned about the different risks! just accept the help from the professionals.

i have had health issues with my dc and had alls ports of things put over to me that yes i could have taken the wrong way and seen as hurtful but that is stupid they are just relaying the facts to you.

if that upsets the OP then what about in the future if any other complications arise and they just don't like the way something was said.

i did say i understand and i feel very sorry for her poor daughter and themselves. it's not easy. i know, but its not worth getting your knickers in a twist over something so small.

i am sorry i don't do well with empathy. our family is a bit weird like that. we just get on with it. so i am sorry if that was harsh but i did say i know it is harsh but sometimes things just need to be said.

And sometimes it's best to say nothing. Been holding back on saying this myself but Mrs DV is eight, there are massive implications with genetic testing and they still exist even if not explicitly alluded to.
There are certain assumptions made within the medical profession (and society) and I suspect they came into the op's mind as a result of what this blundering doctor said.

Any

It is the manner in which it was done that I find offensive.

Fuck all interpersonal sensitivity again in the so called caring profession.

MrsDV is right not eight!

Fair enough. She asked a question on a public forum and i expressed my opinion. Sorry if it wasnt liked. But you get all sorts of responses. Cant just pick the ones that agree with you

"just felt like it didn't need to be said, as obviously it could be easily misconstrued!"

No, the consultant would have had no idea that you took it the way you did. YABU.