To be enraged at DH's suggestion that he gives up work to become S/WAHF

[Millipede170]

I'm nearing the end of my mat leave with our first child. It's been harder than I thought it would be, difficult birth, some PND, have felt unsupported by my DH (long story, detail prob not relevant, but he's not a hands-on father so far). But I adore my son and will miss him terribly when I go back to work, and wish I didn't have to. We were discussing my return to work the other day, our DS going into childcare etc, when DH pipes up that he could quit his job and become a full-time Dad. Just like that. Because he said his salary is capped whereas my career has more legs (true, currently, but needn't always be the case).

It was like taking a bullet. I think because

1. he has absolutely no appreciation of how hard it is looking after a baby 24hrs a day (I have done both days and nights pretty much for the past year as I've been bf'ing and he's been working) and it just sounded so flippant - like yeah, I could do what you do no problem
2. I feel like I've done the really shit/hard bits, carrying DS, childbirth (breech), the newborn sleepless months, stuck in the house settling DS endlessly for naps etc. And now here comes more of the interactive 'fun' phase (not saying it isn't hard work mind you) and I get to go back to work and earn the money too 🤔

Am I U to feel that way?

*buys food

If he wants to do the childcare, he needs to do the childcare, including thinking about the child's health, development, socialisation, speech, fine motor development through play, good diet, good routine, clean teeth, clean clothes, safe environment and all the rest of the background stuff that sort of goes without saying.

Keeping a child alive for a trial weekend doesn't cut the mustard.

Thank you so so much, this is such a helpful conversation. I am still rocked by the consideration that DH would likely win custody if we were to split, I had never even thought about that and it's hideous.

Unfortunately I am in agreement with antigrinch, aderyn, mollyblack and rakingup and I think a short trial might be counterproductive; anyone can hold the fort for a couple of days and think ta-dah, I can 'do' childcare. As it stands, when I say I need a break from DS, he will babysit for half an hour while I have a shower and blow dry my hair (rock n roll) and it's very much on the understanding that normal service will resume once I've pulled myself together (and then I feel like I need to fall over myself in thanks which is weird). But it's the longer term investment stuff that would suffer, like you say, the child development, socialisation etc. I would want him to parent, not to babysit while I'm out at work (and then coming home to run the household as well).

What I've realised is that my strong reaction (yes, I really did feel 'enraged') is to do with the mounting resentment of the past 10 months. The less he's participated, the more I've stewed, and I think I've been shutting him out in my irritation. A case of "You're rubbish, I can do this all without you (and a good job too)" and then getting even more cross and confused that he doesn't do more.

I think I need to shelve the SAHF thing - it doesn't sit well with me on any level and leaves me vulnerable. But I must allow him/insist that he starts to parent his son in whatever way he can. Not my idea of how it should be done, but by allowing him to find his strengths as a father. The two of them need to find their way together. I will plan an escape for a day and a night, and they will have to muddle through.

Oh. And then we need to negotiate a more equal footing in the household when I go back to work. I cannot do it all. And it will be a good example to our son, too.

I think that's a good plan. When I had my first ds, I was very reluctant to let dh do anything - tbh I didn't trust him to do it as well as I could. That was a mistake for two reasons 1) because he could do it but he had to learn how, just as I had and 2) because I put myself in a position of having to do everything myself, which is exhausting.

You need and are entitled to support. You didn't make this baby all on your own and you shouldn't be solely responsible. You have to start insisting that he pulls his weight because your child needs a decent father and you need a partner, not a h who makes your life harder.
Remind yourself that you are entitled to these things - you have to get out of the habit of feeling grateful for any little thing he does. He should be doing his share.

Sounds brilliant, Millipede. you sound very wise and clued up.

I particularly admire this insight:

"to do with the mounting resentment of the past 10 months. The less he's participated, the more I've stewed, and I think I've been shutting him out in my irritation. A case of "You're rubbish, I can do this all without you (and a good job too)" and then getting even more cross and confused that he doesn't do more. "

If you're going to break that dynamic, well done. My ex was extremely resistant to discussions about how he could do more and how broken I was, but even still, I regret not trying harder to push through that resistance, because I was broken and I did push him out as a result, and we did have a terrible relationship partly because I just had no energy for warmth, tolerance, openness, experimentation. Somehow, even if against his will, and for his own good, you must give him what he needs, not what he wants, or you're over - and that means he has to step up to a point where you can respect him; and the hard part, somehow you need to feel that he respects you (no idea how to get a man to respect you when he doesn't already, but I know I failed on that and it was partly to do with enabling him living in a cloud cuckoo land where he was an equal partner and I was just a feeble person who found easy things too hard - because the fights from my attempts to change that perception were too hard)

I really really think that marriages between two people sometimes really need to be broken open and exposed to other influences. I think that the privacy of a couple in a nuclear family can be very dangerous because once a man has lost respect for you, who can make him see you with different eyes?

Anyway, rambling now. you sound great. Good luck

let's face it, if he doesn't step up and you do split in the current set up, he will need to find his strengths as a father if he wants to exercise contact. And at present, he would be struggling with that. A child has the right to a relationship with both parents but both parents have responsibilities, not just one.

You could go out regularly, every week, and also stop the "normal service": his DC, his job to parent, just as much as yours.

Good.

I hope he's amenable to discussions about this.

You are fucking brilliant Millipede!

I was broken and I did push him out as a result, and we did have a terrible relationship partly because I just had no energy for warmth, tolerance, openness, experimentation.

Yes. I see this happening, and I don't want to go further down that road.

Thank you all again for your insights and encouragement! I feel (with some trepidation) like I have a starting place now.

Well said Millipede.