To be enraged at DH's suggestion that he gives up work to become S/WAHF

[Millipede170]

I'm nearing the end of my mat leave with our first child. It's been harder than I thought it would be, difficult birth, some PND, have felt unsupported by my DH (long story, detail prob not relevant, but he's not a hands-on father so far). But I adore my son and will miss him terribly when I go back to work, and wish I didn't have to. We were discussing my return to work the other day, our DS going into childcare etc, when DH pipes up that he could quit his job and become a full-time Dad. Just like that. Because he said his salary is capped whereas my career has more legs (true, currently, but needn't always be the case).

It was like taking a bullet. I think because

1. he has absolutely no appreciation of how hard it is looking after a baby 24hrs a day (I have done both days and nights pretty much for the past year as I've been bf'ing and he's been working) and it just sounded so flippant - like yeah, I could do what you do no problem
   
2. I feel like I've done the really shit/hard bits, carrying DS, childbirth (breech), the newborn sleepless months, stuck in the house settling DS endlessly for naps etc. And now here comes more of the interactive 'fun' phase (not saying it isn't hard work mind you) and I get to go back to work and earn the money too 🤔
   
   Am I U to feel that way?

[Barefootcontessa84]

I would let him give it a go - if it turns out he can't manage it, at least he might appreciate you more. What I don't understand is the mentality of i would say an outright no to this, given he has done sweet FA so far - if he has done very little but now wants to make more of an effort (even if it's a bit of a learning curve for him), why would you stop him when it could offer support?

[VestalVirgin]

Go away for a weekend and see how he copes.

[Birdsbeesandtrees]

Actually yes I second going away for a weekend. As a trial.

[Butterymuffin]

I think a good starting point would be you taking a weekend off that he spends as sole carer for your son. That will be just as a taster. Book yourself a hotel

[Pollyanna9]

So why hasn't he made the effort already?!

He's been given a chance - every single day since the baby was born and he's chosen to do f all!

Give him a trial and see how he does - although, if I didn't fully trust the person to do a good job, not least from the not being able to put his phone down when dealing with a child, I wouldn't be able to happily leave my child/ren with that person.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

We actually did this swap 6 months ago.
Toddler DD and we have an older child in school too.

I'm sure DH thought it would be piss easy.

The house is a tip and laundry left unwashed and beds not changed (unless I do it in evenings/weekends).

Most meals are quick like nuggets and chips or sausages or pizza - fine in moderation but not all the time.

Spends too much time at home on Xbox or phone while toddler watches tv rather than taking to playgroups or park.

Kids are fed and nappy changed etc, I just feel he could do a lot more (if I managed it with PND and very clingy breastfed baby he should be able to take a now independent confident toddler out more than once a week).

Only good thing is I know he loves and cares for children and if I don't have to panic too much if train delay means I get back 30 mins late or something.

The comment upthread about him asking me for maintenance if we split has scared the shit out of me

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Meant to add that I agree with others that a trial period would be very wise (can he book couple days leave and you just disappear from the house for the day so baby and he can get used to the idea and reality of it)

[CocoaLeaves]

No, if he has not been supportive so far, and you have had two hours off in ten months from looking after the baby, he is having a laugh.

I agree that men can look after babies too, my neighbour is a SAHD - thing is, I saw him out and about with the pram from really early on.

I am not surprised you feel upset, but even if he doesn't stay at home, he needs to step up, or you are really going to resent him when you are doing a full-time job and looking after your baby and house.

[notangelinajolie]

I feel like I've done the really shit/hard bits

Sorry OP but there are lots more hard bits to come. It's not over yet! If your finances allow and he want's to do it - then why shouldn't he? Would you really prefer a childminder over Dad?

[TedEriksen]

I'm struggling to see what he's done wrong here. He's made the suggestion so is obviously willing to do it. I think you should be considering it.

Staying at home isn't automatically more difficult than being the working parent. I used to work compressed hours in a full time job, so had half the week at home with an infant and toddler, and the other half at work (long shifts to make up hours) - my days at home were a breeze compared to work. If I had the time again I would have preferred to be at home full time.

[MajesticWhine]

YANBU, as he hasn't pulled his weight yet. But you might as well give it a try, call his bluff, maybe he will step up.

[Millipede170]

notangelina no I know, I did caveat that with the fact that I'm now it's still hard bloody work looking after a toddler. Interestingly seeing myself write that, I realise that it comes from a place of resentment because I feel (rightly or wrongly) that i have given my all this year and his life has hardly changed at all.

But then again it is intense when you're bf'ing quite a high needs baby, and that's quite a difficult thing for a Dad to get involved with. Not impossible, but I'm not completely unsympathetic.

[Millipede170]

TedEriksen I'm not saying he's done something "wrong" exactly. Just that I have misgivings about what motivates him; whether he really wants to parent our son full time, or whether he sees it as a bit of a passport to quitting his job. The implication is also there that it's not as hard as I have found it to be this past year - which is an emotional response on my part.

[Millipede170]

even if he doesn't stay at home, he needs to step up, or you are really going to resent him when you are doing a full-time job and looking after your baby and house.

cocoaleaves you're so right here. Either way we need to find a balance. I am hurting now because I feel like our input isn't equal. And it's only going to get worse.

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

He needs to explain WHY he thinks he can be a SAHP given that he's done fuck all so far in supporting you or being hands on with the dc.
Does he currently - or has ever - helped with childcare related pickups/drop offs etc?

As for work, how about you both working part time? I don't see why YOU have to go back to work full time - unless it's to do with finances (in which case he can't afford to give up his job).

Does he even have any thoughts or ideas on re-training or what he plans to do once youngest is in nursery/ft school?

i feel he thinks he's done 'his bit' re providing financially whilst you were on mat leave - and now it's his turn to 'kick back' and 'take it easy'....you know, just like you have

[BanginChoons]

Ask him how he pictures it being and what his role will involve as the sahp. Will he take dc out and about? Go to groups etc? Playdates? Who will do which household chores? When will family time be and does he want the weekends for his hobbies still?

From how little you say he has been involved so far, I'm not convinced he has thought this through.

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

will you be paying his NI cpntributions for him whilst he's out of paid work? or does he have a plan/personal savings to take care of that?

[splendide]

Nobody can tell you really as you know him best.

I went to work after a year though and DH went part time. So he has DS all day two days a week and has him a couple of hours in the morning every day before nursery. He hasn't done much before then as DS was permanently attached to my boobs. He did do most of the housework though (because I was trapped under the baby).

It's worked brilliantly for us.

[splendide]

Couldn'tmake - DH gets his NI from claiming child benefit.

[Millipede170]

couldntmakethisshitup don't get me started, I saved up for my mat leave and have continued to contribute equally throughout, despite being unpaid for 6 months. But that was my choice and I was in a position to do it, salary wise

splendide thank you, that's encouraging

[CocoaLeaves]

Honestly, I think your best response would have been 'so where were you the last ten months then?'

You need to have the talk that you feel he has been unsupportive. It does belittle everything you have done if he thinks he will suddenly take over day care having not lifted a finger till now.

If he genuinely wishes to be supportive now, then a longer and much more sensitive conversation than 'I will give up work' is needed. As AnotherSpartacus said, that response was not addressing your own emotional needs, apart from anything else.

[CocoaLeaves]

Can he not take some paternity or parental leave, self-funded of course, in light of your most recent post, as a starting point? Did you discuss that as an option? I mean, he can take up to 13 weeks I think parental leave, unpaid. That's a good way to test the idea.

[annandale]

I agree with Banging - explore how he thinks it will work a bit more.

When dh stopped work and became a full time SAHD (he was already working from home previously) he said that he saw himself doing all the housework and he felt an hour a day would cover it.

Now, actually, an hour of housework a day is quite a lot - in a very organised household it would probably be enough, I guess trying to be fair But I've never forgotten the way he said it - that all the thinking and planning for a child, food shopping, shoes/dentist/doctor/etc stuff, cooking all the meals, laundry, tidying, cleaning, all the endless crap as well as some of the nicer stuff, would take him an hour max, leaving him tons of time to get fit, read Russian novels and take long baths. DS was I think 5 at the time, i.e. he was going to have the whole school day to himself. At that moment I saw his view of what I'd been doing for the past 5 years (I'd been working PT as well) and I have never been closer to leaving him.

I think being honest about your views on child development is quite important too. DH's finer moments on this are not edifying, though he was good at reading to ds once a day which was a great saving grace. Asking what he thinks will be a good routine and exploring any differences you have about this might be good. My ideal child day is essentially Lucy And Tom's Day by Shirley Hughes, and I think a lot of parents have this sort of thing as an ideal, i.e. that what you do is based on modelling positive activities, using everyday chores and outings as opportunities for learning and a bit of fun, and that you are always always thinking ahead to make the most of what you do for the children's benefit (if we leave 10 mins earlier they can take their time watching the water run down the drain and can count the numbers on the house doors; it's nan's birthday next week so I'll get them to draw a picture for her now; if I do a pie tonight they can play with the spare pastry for a bit etc etc etc; however much of a battle, it's worth the pain to keep tooth brushing going). God knows none of us manage it all the time but most of us manage it a lot more than we think. Is this the way he sees it working?

[Cwandry]

He coudk be brilliant at it. I think women get more caught up in trying to 'do it right' and we sometimes make a meal out of it. most of the stay at home Dads I know find it a breeze and love that they can keep up with the cricket.

Whenever my DH has the kids (and we have 3) they all have a really good time and the house is usually tidier than when I am with them.

Can he try it for 2 weeks? You have to let him do it his own way though. When you start to micromanage others it never ends well.

[ComeOnSpring]

YANBU. He hasn't thought it through at all.

My DH said this too and when I asked him a few basic questions, turned out it was a fantasy of playing and watching sport all day... not sure who with as all his friends work, and he would have a small child with him