To be enraged at DH's suggestion that he gives up work to become S/WAHF

[Millipede170]

I'm nearing the end of my mat leave with our first child. It's been harder than I thought it would be, difficult birth, some PND, have felt unsupported by my DH (long story, detail prob not relevant, but he's not a hands-on father so far). But I adore my son and will miss him terribly when I go back to work, and wish I didn't have to. We were discussing my return to work the other day, our DS going into childcare etc, when DH pipes up that he could quit his job and become a full-time Dad. Just like that. Because he said his salary is capped whereas my career has more legs (true, currently, but needn't always be the case).

It was like taking a bullet. I think because

1. he has absolutely no appreciation of how hard it is looking after a baby 24hrs a day (I have done both days and nights pretty much for the past year as I've been bf'ing and he's been working) and it just sounded so flippant - like yeah, I could do what you do no problem
2. I feel like I've done the really shit/hard bits, carrying DS, childbirth (breech), the newborn sleepless months, stuck in the house settling DS endlessly for naps etc. And now here comes more of the interactive 'fun' phase (not saying it isn't hard work mind you) and I get to go back to work and earn the money too 🤔

Am I U to feel that way?

Amazed there's an actual discussion going on about trialling a biological/legal father looking after his own kid. Madness

pretend to be open to the idea (no need to be enthusiastic, just open to thinking about it)

At the weekend, go and see an old friend somewhere far, alone.

Don't just say it, but plan it and do it.

When DH kept talking about my easy life, stuck in a flat with a colicky baby, I planned a few days out for myself, I said;" I am glad you find it easy, as I find t hard. So I'm going a day hill walking with friend X next weekend, I'll be back next day lunch time)

I only had to do it once. (but still go out regularly!)

Leaving him to hold the babies completely changed his idea on my "easy life being at home"

It's something you can't explain, you have to experience it.

My DH suggested this...he thought it would all be fun and games! Endless hours on his PS4, I seriously think he thought the fairys came and did the housework/cooking/washing/dog walking etc.

So I fucked off for a long weekend Thursday evening to Monday evening and came home to total distruction...

He barely survived, and to be fair DC1 was a fairly easy baby. Slept 12 hours, wasn't breastfed by this point.

He begged me for him to go back to work, I went part time.

If he's serious about this do a trial run, a long weekend to start then 2/3 weeks.

If it's a case of him sitting on his arse playing on his phone while the baby's needs are barely met it would be a firm no from me.

Don't let this happen. First of all: he will be lazy and leave lots of the work to you and spend loads of money on bought entertainment and crap packaged food.
Second of all: when you try to remonstrate about any of this he will not be able to hear you as he has no respect for "women's work", doesn't understand that it isn't easy and won't be able to understand that he should be doing more.
Third of all - when your only option is to leave this man whom you now utterly resent, you will have to leave the children with him and pay maintenance to support this half-arsed shit show.

Definitely let him do a trial run, maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised!

Let him do it for a weekend. If he complains about being tired because he has been at work all week, remind him gently that he will feel like this EVERY DAY when he is a SAHD. Then have him take a week off work and do it all week. Running for the hills, mate

annandale you've definitely hit on something there; i'm definitely in the Lucy and Tom camp while DH is not, which reflects each of our upbringings exactly. But then Cwandry makes an excellent point, in that loosening up and letting him crack on without being under pressure to wring added value out of every moment might be a joy for us all.

ShowMe the father has done sweet FA in ten months, it seems.

ShowMePotatoSalad: It's not madness - the trial is so he understands what he is asking for.

His proposal would set off alarm bells with me. If he has done little to help with the care of your DC so far he doesn't look promising as a good SAHD. He sounds like a slacker who wants away from his job. Imagine how you would feel, missing you DC, losing a whole salary and probably coming home to do the laundry, mop the floors, change beds, clean out the fridge, whilst he has played with baby for a bit, run the hoover round the living room and washed only the dishes in the immediate vicinity of the sink and thinks he has done a full days work. TBH, I think you working part time will do you good. You sound a bit worn out by the first few months of motherhood. It is tough going.

Intrigued by the Lucy and Tom idea... Off to google. Too late for mine they are strictly in the Insta and Snapchat world now. I have to really let go when DH looks after our kids or it woudl drive me nuts. I had to travel for 2 weeks once and when I got back the oldest said 'great a change from chicken wings every night!' .... And they have movie night every night!!!!!!

you woudl need to really let go.... And remember he is not paid nanny. I reckon the trial run is the way to go. I like it though, it perked up the toddler groups having a few Dads there not all women.

"And now here comes more of the interactive 'fun' phase"

Ah ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha-ha. Ha.

Wait until they hit 2 :-)

Toddlers definitely harder than babies!!!

^^d'oh I know, sorry. I didn't mean that the way it sounded! But I do think it's the first time that DH can really enjoy our son, up til now it's all been boobs and nappies pretty much, and there's been zero interest from DH

That's bollocks. If he's barely lifted a finger to care for his child now, of course he'll think it's easy!

Yes sorry to be the fun police but my first thoughts were exactly the same as @Aderyn2016

I feel I have to defend him a little, he's not a waster, he holds down a good job and tinkers around the periphery to keep us afloat. He's just not good at emotional support and up til now hasn't had much of an affinity with DS.

Perhaps that would change if I wasn't around - and by 1yo DS is slightly more bomb-proof .... sounds like I ought to try leaving them to it!!!! Scary. But would be an education for us all.

If he's been hands-off till now he's a pretty shite excuse for a father - apart from breastfeeding there's nothing he can't do, so the fact that he's actively chosen not to rings massive alarm bells. I agree with other posters, try a 2 week trial.

I'd have accepted the invitation if my DH had offered, because he was a good father.

Comments about you 'not letting him' really get my goat

I have an older one, a 19 month old and a 9 week old. DP stats home with them 3/4 days a week and he is brilliant! Does far more activities with the toddler than I ever would and the house is always spotless when I get in.

You won't know if he'll Manage unless he gives it a go.

Be honest- has he not done a lot so far because4he couldn't be arsed, or did you just do it all and not give him a chance?!
I'm not having a dig, I did exactly this with DC1, because I BF I obviously did all night waking, so felt I may as well crack on with it all in the daytime too and didn't let anyone do anything. Didn't make this mistake with 2 and 3

I don't get what he's done wrong, he's offered an alternative solution which might work. Give it go, it may work really well for everyone.

I'm also saying do a trial. Parental leave is 18 weeks - novelty will DEFINITELY have worn off by then!

m.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1637

My thoughts are:

1 can you really afford it? Seeing as currently he does extras to 'keep you afloat' bear in mind if he voluntarily leaves his job he won't be entitled to any benefits for at least 6 months

2 if he's sahd and you're in forces - chances are high he would get full residency and you'd have to pay maintenance. I'm from a forces family and family court judges tend to think it's an 'unstable' life, I know several forces people who've tried to foster/adopt, been through residency battles and judges tend to think you'll regularly be overseas, move too frequently etc

3 if he hasn't got off his arse to help so far I'm willing to bet he'd be the type to ONLY do the childcare, you'll come home to a tip that he'll expect YOU to clean up because he's been 'busy with the kids, I'm knackered'.

4 also doesn't sound like he's given any thought beyond making sure kids fed and clean, early years development is important

5 he also doesn't seem to have considered how he'll feel if he's dependant on you financially, especially as you'll be on a tighter budget.

6 he's also not thought about the lack of adult company/interaction, mental stimulation of his job, perhaps feeling 'odd one out' at any baby/toddler groups.

Definitely trial.

And I say all that knowing men that have/are sahd's, and single parents.

Being a sahp is not easy and is not for everyone whatever gender.

When DS was 6 weeks old DH announced he wanted to give up work and be a SAHD when I went back to work. I was surprised/apprehensive - not because I thought he was incapable but because it came out of the blue. But I certainly wasn't 'enraged'- what a strange reaction Also, we live in the country and our tiny town is not exactly awash with SAHD's... Like you, it made more financial/career sense for him to stay at home than for me to do so.

It's worked out brilliantly for us and I'm so glad I chose to embrace the idea. You need to be more open-minded about this; as a parent he's no less capable than you of looking after your child. He'll do things differently to how you do things - but it doesn't make them wrong... it could be life-changing for you both (in a good way)

Bar the first few weeks personally think 2 is the toughest age

Gumbo

The op is annoyed because he hasn't stepped up to be involved so far (as she says in her posts). Unlike you DH

But it's probably all her fault for not letting him