To want him fired

[StupidSlimyGit]

I've name changed for this as it could be very identifying and it's going to be a long one sorry. I'm open to being told I'm being unreasonable but want some advice.
I work for a very large retail company in one of their smallish stores as does my DP, we have maybe around 100 colleagues at most and I always thought it was a pretty friendly place to work.
I've not long had a baby, back when I was pregnant my dp had a wobble and we took a break so we could both decide what we wanted, we are back together now and have been happily so for several months. When I was about 6 months pregnant a colleague I don't know very well but who I shd worked with on occasion added me on facebook and sent me some very explicit messages. Also asked for photos of me baked, holding my boobs, in a nightie etc. I laughed the whole thing off, made fun of him for asking and blocked him from messaging me. He made it very clear in these messages he had been looking at my breasts while I was working and I found it very uncomfortable to work around him after that. I didn't report it because said colleague was recently married and had a baby of his own a few weeks old at home aswell as another child and I felt guilty that I could ruin his life. My dp when we got back together noticed how uncomfortable I was and asked about it, then, when told about the messages, went to see our stores manager without my permission who called me into her office to discuss it. I showed her the messages and discussed it but didn't put in a formal complaint as I didn't want it to end up with him fired and his wife and children in trouble financially. It was agreed that the manager would have a talk with him about appropriate behaviour, warn him that if anything like this happened again he would be in trouble, then we could all move on with our lives. That was then done. I have wondered whether I should tell his wife but not done so because I don't know if it's my place?
Since then I've found out that he has done this to other women where I work, including making one so uncomfortable she has quit her job. I have been very unsure since then on whether I made the right decision, should I have taken the offer of a formal disciplinary to make sure he knows he can't get away with it even if it meant he might have been fired?
Since then I've had my baby and noticed when I go in to do my shopping tiny town, only really one option to shop plus I get staff discount there is a real atmosphere when I'm around the team he works with and people he talks to a lot. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and am visibly shunned when I'm there which has made my preexisting anxiety worse and has made returning to work at the end of my maternity leave seem terrifying.
Today when shopping several people sniggered as I walked past, and I got up the courage to ask someone I'm friends with and can trust if she had heard anything. She admitted that everyone has heard about me and him sexting while I was pregnant and the naked photos I sent to him, apparently he has even shown some of the boys the photos!!!! I didn't send anything so they can't be me and certainly haven't engaged in sexting, I still have the conversation on my phone to prove it. Now I was single at the time, so it isn't like it could ruin my life, and my DP has seen the conversation between me and colleague on my phone so he knows nothing went on anyway, but I feel like my reputation is in shreds. I've been trying not to cry since I got home and I'm shaking knowing what they think of me and what bits of me some of the male colleagues think they have seen. I have agoraphobia and it's taken me so long to get into work and think of it as one of my safe zones, now I'm trembling at the thought of going back. I want to be sick.
DP and I can't afford for me not to work, so I cant just quit till I find something else, but I don't know what to do now. WIBU to go back to my manager, tell her what is being said and demand he has some serious repercussions? What about going to head office and requesting an internal investigation hopefully leading to him being moved/fired?
I feel guilty because it would be horrible for his wife to find out this way and I keep thinking about his kids but surely he is the one in the wrong? Should I tell his wife?
Sorry for length I'm trying not to drip feed.

What's your manager said?

I'm sorry to hear both the police & your manager were hopeless in their response. It's not good enough.

I do think that your colleague is in the realms of criminal harassment - 'where a person pursues a course of action which amounts to harassment of another individual, and that they know or ought to know amounts to harassment. Under this act the definition of harassment is behaviour which causes alarm or distress.'

The fact he has been previously spoken to by management about his behaviour shows that he knew his conduct was causing distress and was unwanted. He has gone one step further and escalated his behaviour.

I get the point that at the moment what you have is based on hearsay - but that is exactly what the purpose of an investigation is to do - to gather evidence. That is the case whether it is a criminal or a disciplinary investigation.

I know in our police area, where there is an allegation of harassment, but police do not believe the offence is complete (usually because there isn't evidence of a course of conduct, or knowledge on the part of the perpetrator that the conduct was unwanted), police issue what is known as Police Information Notices - basically it is a warning that if the person continues the alleged conduct, they will be arrested for harassment.

I would go back to the police and advise them you wish to make a report of harassment and ask for a crime number. If they refuse to take any action, then you can consider a complaint against the police.

In terms of your employer, get a copy of your grievance or bullying & harassment procedure. Follow the procedure to the letter and submit a grievance / B&H report. Don't be fobbed off by your manager - if needed, go above her head to her manager & HR.

By his actions, this man is effectively trying to make it impossible to work there. By their lack of actions, your employer is enabling him.

Do you have any legal cover on your house insurance? It might be worth looking into whether you could get legal advice on it. A legal letter may also focus the minds of your employer and make them realise how their lack of action could leave them really vulnerable to a claim of constructive dismissal.

One thing to be aware of - I have seen it time and time again - people will very often tell you about so and so who left because of the same thing, or that he did it to someone else. When it comes to putting pen to paper though, people suddenly don't want to get involved. I would echo pp advice about not conducting your own enquiries.

I also know you have said on the thread that you won't be contacting his wife, but please, please, please, could other posters stop suggesting this? It will leave the OP wide open to counter allegations and will serve no purpose. It's really bad advice.

The legal team have given me an appointment to sit down with them next week and bring in all my evidence to see what can be done. They have also said to go back to the police and work. I went back to work who are still unwilling to do anything and I will probably try the police again tomorrow. I'm beginning to think maybe what he did just isn't that bad though and this is all in my head. I get my anxiety makes me over react sometimes. Surely someone would take it seriously if what he did was bad?
I'm not going to investigate myself, I don't want to go into the building let alone start talking to people about it. Just feels so dirty. And as you say Beryl noone will admit to anything. The people who have approached me and told me what's gone out while I've been gone aren't willing to get involved officially because of the redundancies threat. DP has also come home with a letter from company about a review of his work!?!?!? These aren't policy and they can't provide any reason other than company redundancies but noone else on his department is having one, feels like they are trying to get rid of him to punish me.
We do have legal cover, but I'm loathe to use it for something this pathetic, it's nothing really or someone would take me seriously and if we need it later I've wasted it.

Also to reiterate, please noone suggest talking to his wife because I'm not doing it. I DO NOT know her well enough for her to expect it of me. I DO NOT feel it is my responsibility. It would definitely leave me an emotional wreck and spark my anxiety into overdrive. Plus as Beryl and others have said this could well cause me MORE trouble than I'm already having.

I think I'm just going to leave it and look for other work, hope I can find something before my mat pay runs out. Sorry to have wasted everyone's time. If people who have seen the messages all think there's nothing wrong with his behaviour then I must just be overreacting. Its probably just my anxiety making a mountain out of a molehill. Sorry again.

Get him fired and speak to the police.

Get him fired. I was harassed once , physically, and had it out with him the next day, but told him I didn't think he needed to get involved. On reflection , I thought what if I were more sensitive, worked directly for him etc, his behaviour was genuinely unacceptable... I felt quite bad about changing my mind after telling him it wasn't going to be raised, but went to hr. who were great, and it was the right thing to do. Get his ass fired.

OP, I've read you update, and want to say so much. I have to go at the moment, but will come back to the thread. I think you should have a good read through the thread, because if memory serves me right, not one single poster has tried to defend what he has done. He has acted appallingly AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Please submit the Formal Grievance I told you about earlier. Employers have to investigate them, they cannot ignore them.

If they come back to you and claim it's been investigated and you feel it clearly hasn't, then you can hand in your notice then claim under Constructive Dismissal at an employment tribunal. The formal grievance shows you mean business and adds more weight to your leaving should it come to that.

Please stop talking to your HR Dept as its getting you no-where and instead send them that letter.

Surely someone would take it seriously if what he did was bad?

You're wrong to be thinking this way. Actually what the big-wigs are hoping is that it all goes away so they don't HAVE to take is seriously. This is very, very wrong of them, and why people like you shouldn't just shut up and go away - this is what they are HOPING will happen.

Keep making noise... you're doing the right thing.

You are not making a mountain out of a molehill.

The way he's behaved is really unacceptable. Your work and the police are choosing not to take action as it makes their life easier, not because you're wrong.

You are not overreacting!
Raise a complaint! Your manager is not handling this correctly at all!
As for what they are doing to your dp
Take this as far as you can, they are in the shit and they know it.
They want you to back down.

Sexual harassment and slander against an innocent mother who has just had a child and worked things out with her partner .., destroy the heartless dick-lead cunt

I really hope the legal team can show you some support as you have been treated appallingly. Don't make any decisions until you have spoken to them.

And tell them about your DP too.

More often than not in cases like this it's easier to silence the complainer rather than deal with the perpetrator. It boils down to two things, firstly it tends to be a long process with at best training or worst paperwork mountains to sack the guy and not be sued by him, secondly it reflects badly on them that they didn't take the initial informal complaint seriously enough and deal with it appropriately

Just found this thread. I echo the opinions of everyone here how disgusting it is And you are being let down by your employer and the police.

You sound a compassionate person considering that vile person's family.

If you can persist with your grievance, it will give the company a severe message that they cannot sweep this stuff under their filthy carpet. They must be responsible for safeguarding employees. They are currently supporting an unsafe workplace, which is unacceptable.

You will do yourself and other people a favour. But it does suck the life out, having to go through these arduous work processes.

Do what's right for you and your family.

Thankyou everyone for being so nice. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not overreacting. Just wish someone other than my dp who had seen the messages behaved how you all have, trying really hard not to think it's just because I've explained it to you all and that if you saw the conversation you wouldn't change your minds.
Went to the shop this morning because I had to get some bread and milk and oats, and he was at work. Stood there talking to another colleague laughing and watching me when I was there. Realistically I know they probably weren't talking about me and its my anxiety making me paranoid but I practically ran from the store and had a panic attack. I haven't stopped crying all day since, just feel so shitty over the whole thing and I want to go hide in my bed but I can't because DD needs me.
DP keeps saying I have to take it further because even if I don't want to what if he does it to someone else. Why do I always have to be the one to protect other people? No one else bothered to protect me.
There's nowhere locally that I could face working coward hiring at the moment so I can't afford to not go back. Especially because they've taken my PIP off me so I wouldn't have any income at all and DPs would barely cover our bills let alone food money and clothes for DD, it's so infuriating, I was so happy to be pregnant and have her here. We had talked about it and we had enough to live comfortably even if my PIP stopped but now there's a chance we'll both end up out of work and she'll have nothing. Feel like I've just failed everyone, can't leave because I can't do that to her, cant cope with constantly fighting them to do something about him especially soon as there's no guarantee they will, might have cost DP his job, just shit.
Ergh I'm rambling I'm sorry. I just don't know what to say anymore. Thankyou everyone for your support.

Reading back through the thread I realised I missed some questions.
I've tried HR head office who say it has to be dealt with via my stores management.
My union have been less than no help. Got a vague, "we'll see if anyone might be able to help but we think the only reps in your local area work at your store so we will get back to you".
Yes work knew about my agoraphobia when I applied for the job, I'm registered on their books as a colleague with MH difficulties, agoraphobia, PTSD, depression, and anxiety. They have known everything because sometimes I need a little support so I wanted to be honest with them.

If I was your DP, I would be formally asking if there is any connection between this 'review' of his work and the fact he was a whistleblower in relation to sexual harassment in the workplace.

Oh OP, what a truly nasty bastard he is. I'd just read the whole thread hoping for something positive at the end.

So, things to remember;

1. this is absolutely not your fault, what he has done IS that bad and any unbiased person would see that. Do not try to minimise it because you feel like your over reacting..you absolutely are not.

2. re read the thread, there is a lot of very good advice re grievance letters and following correct procedure.

3. write down everything you remember. Put it into a time line if possible...reference any evidence you have if possible I.e on x date he said this and I know it because y. This will help the legals.

4. you've spoken to head office HR? Good, that means you have a contact there, do you have an email address? If so great, if not call them back and get it - for your records. After this copy this person on any correspondence with your manager - she's shit, she's going to take the path of least resistance and that is you quietly putting up with it or resigning - it's already worked in someone else as you said. Trust me, head office HR will get involved very quickly...you just have to make it their issue by treating it in a way they can't ignore. If you want you could escalate the complaint to head office HR by complaining about your store managers handling of the problem...as you said she's heard the rumours.

Sorry if that sounds a bit badgering, I get a fair bit of anxiety myself and I find it helpful when faced with difficult things to write myself a list of points to follow as if I'm a slightly hectoring 1950s PE teacher!

this is a truly appalling read... I cannot believe the lack of integrity from your Employer and Union.. someone must be able to pursue this for you

This is awful! I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Don't give up. Don't let him get away with it! Try every avenue.

I've had a phone call from the maternity leave department (not the real name) at head office today in regards to an email they have received from my union. Apparently they emailed them saying that they were sorry they couldn't help in this instance and a quick outline of their investigation.
Spoke to a lovely man who was horrified because apparently no investigation was held by stores management. It is policy that even if it's being dealt with informally it has to be investigated. explains why she won't do anything
He's going to phone my HR area manager and demand to know what they will be doing about it. He offered me a transfer to another store but I can't get to a different store and he admitted although it's policy to do so he didn't feel comfortable offering as I have done nothing wrong and shouldn't have to move.
They wanted an outcome I would accept other than him being fired and I've said that if we are never in store at the same time. The problem with this is I work strange hours for childcare reasons so he is going to suggest Mr Slimy is transferred.
They're going to call me back, hopefully later today, and tell me what's going to happen next. He has also given me his extension number so that I can contact him directly as he doesn't feel I was being taken seriously. I'm so relieved to have someone at head office I can contact who is friendly and understands!
Thankyou for the support everyone!

So glad someone's taking you more seriously
Sorry I had nothing helpful to add but really glad you've taken it further. And hopefully you'll never have to deal with him again

Glad you've got someone backing you up there