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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him fired

354 replies

StupidSlimyGit · 09/03/2017 17:56

I've name changed for this as it could be very identifying and it's going to be a long one sorry. I'm open to being told I'm being unreasonable but want some advice.
I work for a very large retail company in one of their smallish stores as does my DP, we have maybe around 100 colleagues at most and I always thought it was a pretty friendly place to work.
I've not long had a baby, back when I was pregnant my dp had a wobble and we took a break so we could both decide what we wanted, we are back together now and have been happily so for several months. When I was about 6 months pregnant a colleague I don't know very well but who I shd worked with on occasion added me on facebook and sent me some very explicit messages. Also asked for photos of me baked, holding my boobs, in a nightie etc. I laughed the whole thing off, made fun of him for asking and blocked him from messaging me. He made it very clear in these messages he had been looking at my breasts while I was working and I found it very uncomfortable to work around him after that. I didn't report it because said colleague was recently married and had a baby of his own a few weeks old at home aswell as another child and I felt guilty that I could ruin his life. My dp when we got back together noticed how uncomfortable I was and asked about it, then, when told about the messages, went to see our stores manager without my permission who called me into her office to discuss it. I showed her the messages and discussed it but didn't put in a formal complaint as I didn't want it to end up with him fired and his wife and children in trouble financially. It was agreed that the manager would have a talk with him about appropriate behaviour, warn him that if anything like this happened again he would be in trouble, then we could all move on with our lives. That was then done. I have wondered whether I should tell his wife but not done so because I don't know if it's my place?
Since then I've found out that he has done this to other women where I work, including making one so uncomfortable she has quit her job. I have been very unsure since then on whether I made the right decision, should I have taken the offer of a formal disciplinary to make sure he knows he can't get away with it even if it meant he might have been fired?
Since then I've had my baby and noticed when I go in to do my shopping tiny town, only really one option to shop plus I get staff discount there is a real atmosphere when I'm around the team he works with and people he talks to a lot. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and am visibly shunned when I'm there which has made my preexisting anxiety worse and has made returning to work at the end of my maternity leave seem terrifying.
Today when shopping several people sniggered as I walked past, and I got up the courage to ask someone I'm friends with and can trust if she had heard anything. She admitted that everyone has heard about me and him sexting while I was pregnant and the naked photos I sent to him, apparently he has even shown some of the boys the photos!!!! I didn't send anything so they can't be me and certainly haven't engaged in sexting, I still have the conversation on my phone to prove it. Now I was single at the time, so it isn't like it could ruin my life, and my DP has seen the conversation between me and colleague on my phone so he knows nothing went on anyway, but I feel like my reputation is in shreds. I've been trying not to cry since I got home and I'm shaking knowing what they think of me and what bits of me some of the male colleagues think they have seen. I have agoraphobia and it's taken me so long to get into work and think of it as one of my safe zones, now I'm trembling at the thought of going back. I want to be sick.
DP and I can't afford for me not to work, so I cant just quit till I find something else, but I don't know what to do now. WIBU to go back to my manager, tell her what is being said and demand he has some serious repercussions? What about going to head office and requesting an internal investigation hopefully leading to him being moved/fired?
I feel guilty because it would be horrible for his wife to find out this way and I keep thinking about his kids but surely he is the one in the wrong? Should I tell his wife?
Sorry for length I'm trying not to drip feed.

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 10/03/2017 16:17

I'm sorry for the slow reply I have been to CAB with my partner today, they've given me a contact number for a legal team in the local area who deal with employment and harassment issues.
They have a half day on Friday but I am going to call them Monday and see what they say.
I don't understand why I was offered a formal solution the first time but now they won't. She said we already dealt with it Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 10/03/2017 16:20

Also my manager never directly said she had heard the rumours, but she did mess up and say something which made it clear that she had heard first hand.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 10/03/2017 16:21

Oh well done - that sounds like a good plan! And you are right - its disgusting to say that 'it's already dealt with'. No, we decided to let the original complaint slide with a slapped wrist. This slandering/defamation or whatever and the photos is a whole new thing. It's related, yes, but not convered by your original complaint. Your boss is lazy and doesn't want any trouble. Well tough shit. You have a serial sex pest on the payroll and you have to deal with it, manager!!

HashiAsLarry · 10/03/2017 16:22

They've dealt with the first issue, that's fair enough. But this continuation has not been dealt with and that warrants intervention alone.

Think of it like if your DC we being bullied in school. One day a kid beats up your DC. You complain, they get suspended, school says they'll keep an eye on it. A few months later the kid, whilst not beating your child, has caused a situation where a group of other kids are now verbally bullying your DC. Would you accept the school saying 'but we dealt with the beating'? You wouldn't. You'd be demanding they at least dealt with the group of other kids and trying to get the bullying to stop.

Well done on going to CAB and considering a lawyer on this.

Kahlua4me · 10/03/2017 18:01

Well done on contacting CAB even though police said they couldn't help. Well done you for finding the strength.

The best way to deal with it, I think, is to keep imagining you are giving a friend advice for the same situation. Think of what you would tell her to do, then follow that. Hopefully that will help you to keep going.

A slimeball like that should not be allowed to keep getting away with such dispicable behaviour. Do you have anybody there who would support you? Who would come to the manager with you?

troodiedoo · 10/03/2017 18:08

What an utter scumbag. Hope you get this sorted once and for all. Not at all impressed with your manager.

Hope you and your partner are OK.

LilQueenie · 10/03/2017 18:10

I would tell the wife everything tbh. Also be telling the workmates or him in front of them how you didn't take it further first time. This sounds like payback from him for making a complaint and I hope the slimy toads bollocks fall off. Flowers

kali110 · 10/03/2017 19:25

Don't let it drop. He's sexually harassing you. I'm appalled by your managers response!

notapizzaeater · 10/03/2017 20:26

I'd bypass your manager now and go higher - it needs to be dealt with properly.

Woobeedoo · 10/03/2017 20:35

Raise a formal grievance against him and submit it to the Head Office. They have to take notice of it and investigate. If you type into Google formal grievance template letter you should get a lot of sites with the actual letter pre-typed, you just answer a few questions and at the end it presents you with a letter to print out. You must make sure that across the top of the letter it states Notice of Formal Grievance.

Don't tell his wife as that'll give him the heads up to start deleting things, backtracking and making up a cover story. From now on you are going to be secret squirrel.

OnTheUp13 · 10/03/2017 20:50

I'm not saying this is the right was to deal with it but

I would print the conversation, leave it posted in every part of the store that wasn't accessible to customers and send it to his wife with an explanation.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 10/03/2017 20:55

I'm not going to tell his wife. I really don't want to and I think others are right on here when they say it isn't my place and could open me up to a counter complaint of harassment.
I'll look up those formal grievance letters and have one printed and ready before I speak to the legal people Monday, I just want to get their input before I take it any further now.
I'm really grateful for the support everyone!

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 10/03/2017 21:03

Haven't read the full thread but have just dealt with a similar situation (I'm a HR manager). The female employee complained and an investigation was started. She had the right to know the outcome of the investigation but not to have any input into the disciplinary that followed (he was fired).

So yes, report, but you can't "get him fired".

TittyGolightly · 10/03/2017 21:03

Happy to help you, by the way, if you need it.

TittyGolightly · 10/03/2017 21:07

Police were involved but female didn't press charges.

user1489189598 · 11/03/2017 00:31

I STRONGLY recommend typing an email to your manager recalling the main points from your conversation. Anything (even if its' the odd word here and there) that you actually recall her saying, quote in "quotation marks" even if it's something like .....and then he was saying "yesterday" that the canteen were serving "chips and" beans
End the email with a line like "if there's anything about this conversation you want to update or correct, please let me know". Put a 'read-receipt' on the email and after you know it's been seen, give it 24 hours of work time and then forward to higher-up.

Good luck!

viques · 11/03/2017 00:58

If you report this creep to HR and they deal with him appropriately then it is possible that you will be protecting his wife, protecting her from the shitstorm that will come her way if this perve is not stopped.

He has clearly escalated from his initial contact with you, he is not going to stop of his own accord and will carry on , getting bolder and increasing his foulness. One person you know has already left their job because of him, you are feeling vulnerable and anxious (thank heavens for your supportive partner) but suppose his nastiness pushes someone to even further extremes, even to self harm?

Liiinoo · 11/03/2017 01:02

OP. You are being amazing. So strong and determined in the face of applying behaviour from your colleague and shocking 'management' from above. I wish you ever success with your complaint - I am sure you will succeed. I think they both underestimated you!

ADayGivingMeHope · 11/03/2017 01:07

I've not read the entire post but can I just say @StupidSlimyGit that if this was my husband then I would definitely want to know what kind of man he was and what he was capable of!
Hope you get it sorted, it's not ok what he's done!

Tapandgo · 11/03/2017 06:38

Good luck on Monday - he has tried to make you a laughing stock and the butt of staff jokes - what joy when he realises you are no joke and clearly made of tougher stuff.

Masketti · 11/03/2017 07:02

Please don't give up. Just because you haven't had any support so far doesn't mean there aren't avenues to explore. His actions are unacceptable and you have the full support of MN to help you pursue that.

Graphista · 11/03/2017 07:22

I am appalled both police and manager fobbed you off!

Police could certainly have investigated the messages he sent under the malicious communications act.

Manager has behaved dreadfully throughout. S/he should have made it clear to him the first time that it was all to STOP and kept a record of what happened and what was discussed - to cover their own arse if nothing else!

Hope Monday goes well.

If you do ultimately decide to leave your job you could have a claim for constructive dismissal, but it's time limited so get on that quick if that's what you do.

NightWanderer · 11/03/2017 07:38

Good luck for Monday. What an utterly awful thing to happen to you. Sad

travellinglighter · 11/03/2017 08:27

The manager is weak and will fold as soon as she gets any form of legal challenge. I'm sorry you have to through with this op. If they're a national chain then their HR department will jump in on this to get it killed off asap.

Indaba · 11/03/2017 09:19

I have made this point before as ex Head of HR but want to make this point again as I read other posters comments. Do not discuss this with your work colleagues, do not discuss this with ex employees, and do not discuss with his wife! When there is a formal investigation he will argue that you have been going around talking about him, making life unbearable for him, even trying to break up his marriage by talking to his wife. He has behaved appallingly but you have to take the moral high ground. No matter how innocent your conversations are he will be able to use them against you. Even colleagues you think you can trust. None of this is your fault but do not do anything that will harm your case. You can tell HR that your are aware of other rumours about him with other employees but do not start investigating yourself yet. You may want to at a later stage but at this moment in time, you follow their processes. Then reassess. Good luck with CAB.