To want to have my wedding my way, not MILs

[Pembilton]

Ok so I need to rant so apologies for the long post.

Basically my partner (28) and I (25) are getting married this summer and according to MIL every little thing that we've done since is wrong and somehow suggests that we don't love each other and the marriage is doomed to failure.

Our "proposal" went something like this:
(On the way home from a friend's wedding)
Him: That'll be us someday...
Me: (smiling) yeah
Him: Someday soon?
Me: Okay
Him: (couple of mins later)...Are we engaged?
Me: Yeah (kiss)

That evening he asked if I wanted to go with him ring shopping or if I wanted him to chose. I told him I really didn't want a ring (I think it's an outdated tradition, I would have to take it off for my job everyday anyway, our finances aren't fantastic, I'm not a fan of diamonds etc.) Evidently not the response he was expecting and he was a bit surprised but agreed. A couple of weeks later he surprised me with an antique 1st edition book from my favourite author with a lovely message from him inside. It's beautiful and perfect and my most treasured possession.

We told people the next day. My parents were over the moon, they really like him and they're normal human beings. MIL gave partner a really hard time for not proposing "properly" and kept going on about how disappointed she was that there were no photos (of what? we were on a train and obviously no ring or anything!). I was really annoyed on his behalf. Then she had a go at me for not wanting a ring suggesting I had some reason for wanting to keep the engagement secret. She then said even if I didn't want a new ring I should wear something on that finger so people "knew I was taken". I'm not sure if I should be offended or complimented by her belief in my appeal to the opposite sex! Anyway we all moved on aside from the occasional "they're engaged, not that you'd know it... she doesn't want a ring apparently..."

So we knew we wanted to get married soon and wanted a nice honeymoon (it was the middle of winter!), but neither of us were that fussed about the big white wedding so it was an easy decision to have a smaller, cheaper wedding and spend on a holiday. My parents offered to give us some money towards it but I graciously refused as we've both been working for some time, have our own savings etc. MIL never offered any money which is absolutely fine as we wouldn't expect it or have accepted anyway but she then took umbrage with our plans. "If you can't afford to do it properly now wait until you can" etc. Great, but I want to be married asap not have a wedding and tonne of debt some time in the distant future.

So wedding plans currently: 28 guests of family and close friends (16 for me, 12 for him), intimate secular wedding ceremony in a pretty location, private room for nice meal in a fancy restaurant and then booked a couple of booths at a trendy nightclub we both know and love for whoever wants to party with us afterwards. Dress code smart casual for us all (clothes we can re-wear yay!). Mum's already told me she's still going to wear a fascinator because she's mother of the bride and no one can stop her and dad wants me to make sure the club will take requests so he can dance with me to "our" song (we danced to it at my 16th). This is exactly the reaction I wanted and shows how it can be simple and quirky and still work for us. Obviously MIL is a different story and to be honest I've been leaving DP deal with her over most of it but I know she's thoroughly disapproving.

Most recent development has been over speeches. In short I really, really don't want them. I've never been to a wedding where they didn't make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Not that they were dreadfully bad or anything I'm just a bit weird that way (I hate stand-up comedy too)! I hadn't even really thought about them until DP was talking about how he was dreading it. He was very happy to knock the whole thing on the head and so was my dad. Bearing in mind it's just a group of us sat around one table as opposed to a big hall anyway I really don't think we need them. I imagine my dad will probably lead a toast or something and obviously we'll say a quick thank you but really with so few guests everyone knows how special they are to us and we'll be able to go round and talk to/ thank everyone individually anyway.

So just got off the phone to MIL who had just found out that her son wouldn't be giving a speech. She was crying, telling me I'm ruining her sons wedding and clearly don't want to be getting married. I reassured her that I did, that I love her son more than anyone else in the world, that we were both planning the wedding that would be right for us together. I tried to find out why it all bothers her so much but all she seemed to say was that I was being a fool and I'd look back on this one day and regret it. I somehow ended up apologising for not running the details re speeches etc past her earlier (!) but at this stage I'd do anything for her to just let us do what we want.

To be honest I think she might have more of a problem with me than the wedding but I don't know why. We had a good relationship up to all this, I really love her son and I'm a nice person I promise! It's just really getting me down and although I'd never act on it it's getting so that I don't really want her there as I'm going to feel like she's just finding fault with everything! Ugh!

Obviously DP and I have spoken about this lots. He's completely happy with the wedding we've planned and very excited about it (he's even making some distressed wood flower planter things for our table decorations

Haven't read the full thread, just first two pages, your ideas sound great but just wanted to say how lovely to get a book that means so much as an engagement present/alternative ring. We also wanted to do things differently (bridesmaids could wear what they wanted, no head table, no speeches etc), we gave in on about half and the speeches went on so long we only had about three dances before having to leave for honeymoon! Won on the head table though, trouble is by the time we went up for the buffet meal (didn't want sit down cos of cost) most of the food had gone! I had a bit of rice, that was it, wouldn't change it though, got to talk to everyone, great fun. Stick to your guns.

And be prepared she will stand up to make a speech on the day....best buy a huge bottle of wine,monster bouquet,large card and gift bag. By the time you've laden her down with all these she will have to sit down!!
TBH whilst I agree it is YOUR wedding, it is her only childs big day. Can you find an 'important' and time consuming job organising part of the wedding you dont much care about? She will feel you've included and entrusted part of your day to her..and it will keep her out of your way. She gets'her proper bit'... Your mil is a long term project and can be an ally later on..but to totally burn your bridges with her over a 12 hour event is short sighted tbh. In 5, 10, 20 years you may well need her...

How can I get MIL on board without compromising my own wedding? Thanks
You can't. Seriously. I was you several hundred years ago, and like you a total people pleaser. You do the whole nice thing, as it's who you are and that kind of shit you're just not used to. You try to please everyone, and include everyone in the plans and tell you what you should and shouldn't be having and all sticking their oar in. You end up compromising your plans or wants.
With hindsight and years comes the realisation that if we were doing it again, we'd do it all our way as it's our day and not listen to family histrionics.

I haven't read the whole thread cos I am low on battery but OP your DP sounds utterly lovely (❤️The book instead of a ring) and personally I would just stick to one response to MiL - You might not like it but we could have eloped... a small quirky wedding is better than nowt!

Your plans sound amazing! Stick to them.
My DH is also an only child of a lone mother (MIL was widowed very young). MIL insisted on one aspect of our wedding.....her best friend HAD to come....even though MIL had a partner who was also attending. The best friend was rude and miserable all day!!! The only thing that was wrong with my lovely wedding day was her.

However it did please MIL that she 'got her way' ... a small price to pay.

Tell her your (joint) first idea was to elope or get married abroad but you changed your minds because you really wanted those closest to you to be present to share your special day. Keeping it small and relaxed allows you to focus on what is important and that is, the two of you rather than trying to please all the people all the time and put on a shallow, brash show. She has a dream and you will never bring her round so stop trying and cut down on the sharing (if everything is wrong), enjoy your wonderful day!

I feel sorry for you, what will happen when you decide to reproduce. It's your wedding and if you are both happy with it she should cowboy up and be happy for you. The wedding you have planned sounds perfect to me. Congratulations!

You are completely spot-on. You have your priorities firmly in place as you are thinking of your marriage - NOT your wedding. If couples gave the same consideration and thought to what it means to commit to a couple relationship as they do to their wedding day there would be far fewer broken marriages. This is your relationship, your day, your lives, your decision and all anyone else needs to do is accept your choice and give you support! My own daughter chose to get married to her partner in a private ceremony with a few of their close friends, she bought a dress from ebay, they all went bowling afterwards and had a nice meal in their favourite Italian restaurant. Unknown to them we contacted the restaurant and paid in advance for their meal and his parents paid for the drink. We stayed at home and looked after our grandson (their little boy) and we were all really happy for them, supportive of their choice and nobody was stressed/upset/interfering etc. Stick to your guns!!!!

Your Wedding will be amazing. I had 10 guests, in a church room that was dedicated to a lovely aunt. Dress £35, made by friend. Food at mums catered by golf club, my doggy was in pictures. Out of fineries asap then jeans t-shirt for an evening BBQ for friends. After 24 years I have no regrets. Money was not an issue I just wanted what we wanted!!

It's your wedding, you have whatever makes you happy, feel comfortable and what you both want. My sister is getting married for the he 2nd time this year, my other sister is married, the wedding planning and details, the favors, dresses, tables, caterers blah blah blah it's not for me- If and when I do get hitched it will be a very small low key affair, me, him, my children, his, and that's what matters to me, the marriage, standing next to the man I love vowing to spend the rest of my life with him because we love each other. To me it's not about fancy cars, big parties, posh frocks, big cake, flowers etc I couldn't stand that sort of planning and I feel it's not really worth it when the marriage is the important part. Your wedding sounds lovely enjoy your day x

I haven't read all previous posts, but please, PLEASE, do what you and your other half want. My DM and my DH passed away several years ago, but my DM was very manipulative (although very loving and clearly wanted what she thought was best for me, so don't take this the wrong way), and pretty much took charge of our wedding, and as she and my Dad paid such a huge contribution, DH and I went along with it. She chose the venue, catering and even invited a couple of guests which DH and I didn't know but were good friends of DM.
As a result my memories of what should have been the best day of my life are not. I refuse to marry my DP (respect to my DH? not sure) but fantasise about the kind of wedding that I would choose if I actually had my way. I feel that my wedding is not a happy memory (although the marriage itself is) and I would do things very differently if I had my time again.

My feeling is you need to draw a line in the sand over this. Otherwise she will walk over you both. And if you think she's ignoring your wishes now, wait til you have a baby. Enjoy your day your way.

I think your plans sound lovely!

I experienced major issues with my own mum in the run up to my wedding. We were trying to keep it small, which at one point was looking like 50people. I was only planning to invite family members that I got on with, and not invite ones that I didn't - I have an aunt in another continent, and we regularly talk and an uncle who lives 4 streets away who I never speak to. Mum was NOT HAPPY, and when she found out I planned to invite my father (her ex husband) started screaming down the phone that she wasn't coming.

This was also after offering to pay for my wedding dress, but when I asked for an idea of budget, started waffling about how she was so skint and it would put her in a lot of debt. To clarify, I didn't expect her to pay for anything, was more than happy to pay for my own dress. I'd have been fine if she offered me £20, but she just wanted to be able to say that she'd paid for my dress, without the inconvenience / cost of actually stumping up any money.

So after realising that every time I tried to discuss any aspect of the wedding with my mum, I usually finished the conversation in floods of tears, me and fiancé basically though "fuck this" brought the wedding forward, arranged the entire thing inside three months, and got married in Skye with ten guests.

Best day of my life so far and I wouldn't change a thing. Haven't spoken to my mum in a year, and to be honest, my life has been much less stressful as a result. I do find it hurtful that she couldn't put my needs ahead of hers for one single day, but that's how it is.

She also had several occurrences of saying to me and hubs "I know it's a big day for you... but it's a REALLY big day for me!"

I think your wedding sounds just lovely personal and thoughtful. Your engagement is a lovely story in itself and the book you treasure shows how well your fiancée knows you.

I agree with the others, you have to stop telling your MIL your plans. If she asks just say 'ooooh you'll find out on the day. It's a surprise.' Dodge the phone calls but send little text saying Hi hope you are well to keep from alienating her completely.

Your Fiancée also needs to reign her in and remind her it is his wedding and this is also what HE wants. If she is so intent on tradition and being the star of the show maybe she should think about a vow renewal.

Forgot to add, your whole proposal and wedding sounds amazing.
It's not all about the huge gestures. Just because it was a little conversation on the bus and "so we're engaged, then? Yeah. Kiss" doesn't make it any less so.
Fancy engagements mean Jack Shit really. Don't get me wrong, they're lovely, but how are they any more special - surely it's the relationship behind them that's the most important?
Our engagement came about from a "so shall we get married then?"casual throwaway comment in bed and me going "yeah, why not." Now DH saying "better do this then" and getting out of bed and doing the whole getting down on one knee thing and me getting all embarrassed and saying "whatevs, now get up
20 years later and still married.
Yours sounds awesome. Love the fact he's making distressed wood planters and getting involved too.
My long winded point is that it's not all the trimmings and shabang and glitz that's important, it's the relationship and marriage behind it! Mentally stick your fingers in your ears and pretend you can't hear any sulks around you as it's not what they want. It's not about them, it's about you and your soon to be DH.

We got engaged in a car park on the way back to the car. He tried to do the romantic thing but it was pretty just and he didn't want to make a show. Meh! It's the fact you got engaged that matters

*pretty busy

Wedding is for you and DP to choose and plan.
However there's a wee bit of your family's reaction is normal and wonderful whereas DP's family (MIL) is all wrong. I'm not convinced by that, and can't think it will lead to a happy future if it permeates all aspects of wider family interaction from now on.
It is ok for DP's family to do things differently and your family's way won't always be the only / best way.
So have wedding your way-it's your celebration. But compromise where appropriate, and the ability to recognise when that is, is likely to make for a happier future.

I'm with dansmum on this one. Congratulations on finding such a wonderful dp and planning an amazing wedding. However if mil brought dp up alone from such early age she obviously did something right. It's very hard for traditionalists who have had years to fixate on a dream scenario to picture an alternative. Not saying that is right- but understandable. Even when a ( best) friend of mine got married ( beforehand) i was dreading it because I was expecting to be bridesmaid etc ( sad I know, no flames please!!) we had to drive miles for what I thought was going to be a knees up in a field. It turned out to be one of the most genuine, loving and touching weddings I had ever attended. Some people find it hard to visualise alternatives and it sounds like all she is hearing is the "nots" i.e. Changes from what she expects. If you can get through this blip I am sure once the day arrives she will absolutely love it , you could also tell her your mum is wearing a fascinator so she realises she can still do the full fancy dress etc if she wants!! God luck and dont let anything spoil your wonderful plans - you sound a wonderful couple.

Your wedding sounds perfect! I think you're doing the right thing regarding mil, be nice and polite with her but don't give in!

You and your DP sound very well suited, your wedding plans sound great and I'm sure you'll be very happy together

In the middle of your first post you mentioned mostly leaving dp to deal with his mother, and I think that's the ticket here- now and in future when you're busy having kids and holidays and buying houses etc the wrong way too....

Hopefully MIL will see sense sooner rather than later. Best of luck to you both in the meantime!

I think it's often about complete different visions for the day. A day in which she was expecting to enjoy and look forward to.
Imagine if you'd agreed to go on holiday with someone, looking forward to a holiday and then they choose a holiday which you wouldn't want. But this time it's their choice.
If I was the MIL I would be hugely disappointed in your choice of wedding, but I'd have enough grace to just go along with it.

Stick to your guns.

I allowed (D)M to hijack my wedding and just turned up to a circus. She invited people we didn't even know, complained about me ruining her special day and wore a white ball gown. I really regret it now and wish I had made my own plans with DH.

Booboo
With mothers like that mine too you don't need mothers-in-law

It's your wedding and you should do it the way you want. Your husband-to-be and you just need to keep a united front and not let her takeover or change anything - make it your special day where it is the 2 of you that are important and you should have a day you look back on without regrets. You know what you like so don't let your mother-in-law spoil things with her own agenda/selfish unrealistic expectations - if she wants to live in a fantasy world then that is her lookout and shouldn't be allowed to impact your plans. Good luck and I wish you both a long and happy life together after your great wedding day :)