To want to have my wedding my way, not MILs

[Pembilton]

Ok so I need to rant so apologies for the long post.

Basically my partner (28) and I (25) are getting married this summer and according to MIL every little thing that we've done since is wrong and somehow suggests that we don't love each other and the marriage is doomed to failure.

Our "proposal" went something like this:
(On the way home from a friend's wedding)
Him: That'll be us someday...
Me: (smiling) yeah
Him: Someday soon?
Me: Okay
Him: (couple of mins later)...Are we engaged?
Me: Yeah (kiss)

That evening he asked if I wanted to go with him ring shopping or if I wanted him to chose. I told him I really didn't want a ring (I think it's an outdated tradition, I would have to take it off for my job everyday anyway, our finances aren't fantastic, I'm not a fan of diamonds etc.) Evidently not the response he was expecting and he was a bit surprised but agreed. A couple of weeks later he surprised me with an antique 1st edition book from my favourite author with a lovely message from him inside. It's beautiful and perfect and my most treasured possession.

We told people the next day. My parents were over the moon, they really like him and they're normal human beings. MIL gave partner a really hard time for not proposing "properly" and kept going on about how disappointed she was that there were no photos (of what? we were on a train and obviously no ring or anything!). I was really annoyed on his behalf. Then she had a go at me for not wanting a ring suggesting I had some reason for wanting to keep the engagement secret. She then said even if I didn't want a new ring I should wear something on that finger so people "knew I was taken". I'm not sure if I should be offended or complimented by her belief in my appeal to the opposite sex! Anyway we all moved on aside from the occasional "they're engaged, not that you'd know it... she doesn't want a ring apparently..."

So we knew we wanted to get married soon and wanted a nice honeymoon (it was the middle of winter!), but neither of us were that fussed about the big white wedding so it was an easy decision to have a smaller, cheaper wedding and spend on a holiday. My parents offered to give us some money towards it but I graciously refused as we've both been working for some time, have our own savings etc. MIL never offered any money which is absolutely fine as we wouldn't expect it or have accepted anyway but she then took umbrage with our plans. "If you can't afford to do it properly now wait until you can" etc. Great, but I want to be married asap not have a wedding and tonne of debt some time in the distant future.

So wedding plans currently: 28 guests of family and close friends (16 for me, 12 for him), intimate secular wedding ceremony in a pretty location, private room for nice meal in a fancy restaurant and then booked a couple of booths at a trendy nightclub we both know and love for whoever wants to party with us afterwards. Dress code smart casual for us all (clothes we can re-wear yay!). Mum's already told me she's still going to wear a fascinator because she's mother of the bride and no one can stop her and dad wants me to make sure the club will take requests so he can dance with me to "our" song (we danced to it at my 16th). This is exactly the reaction I wanted and shows how it can be simple and quirky and still work for us. Obviously MIL is a different story and to be honest I've been leaving DP deal with her over most of it but I know she's thoroughly disapproving.

Most recent development has been over speeches. In short I really, really don't want them. I've never been to a wedding where they didn't make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Not that they were dreadfully bad or anything I'm just a bit weird that way (I hate stand-up comedy too)! I hadn't even really thought about them until DP was talking about how he was dreading it. He was very happy to knock the whole thing on the head and so was my dad. Bearing in mind it's just a group of us sat around one table as opposed to a big hall anyway I really don't think we need them. I imagine my dad will probably lead a toast or something and obviously we'll say a quick thank you but really with so few guests everyone knows how special they are to us and we'll be able to go round and talk to/ thank everyone individually anyway.

So just got off the phone to MIL who had just found out that her son wouldn't be giving a speech. She was crying, telling me I'm ruining her sons wedding and clearly don't want to be getting married. I reassured her that I did, that I love her son more than anyone else in the world, that we were both planning the wedding that would be right for us together. I tried to find out why it all bothers her so much but all she seemed to say was that I was being a fool and I'd look back on this one day and regret it. I somehow ended up apologising for not running the details re speeches etc past her earlier (!) but at this stage I'd do anything for her to just let us do what we want.

To be honest I think she might have more of a problem with me than the wedding but I don't know why. We had a good relationship up to all this, I really love her son and I'm a nice person I promise! It's just really getting me down and although I'd never act on it it's getting so that I don't really want her there as I'm going to feel like she's just finding fault with everything! Ugh!

Obviously DP and I have spoken about this lots. He's completely happy with the wedding we've planned and very excited about it (he's even making some distressed wood flower planter things for our table decorations

if you fancy swapping MILs at all I'm open to suggestions!

Now there's a solution!

I am an only child. Thank goodness my DPs were happy to give me the wedding we wanted. Reading threads like this makes me appreciate them even more.

Baahahaha @redexpat!! Owls...!

HopefullyAnonymous I hadn't heard that version before. Thanks for the recommendation!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Thanks for your comment and for playing DA it's good to have these things to think on. I haven't sorted out flowers/ decorations for DF planters yet so that might work. Although I do want them pastel peach/ white colours and I don't want her messing with my colours... yeah perhaps I'm not as laid back about all this as I might like to think!! I'll leave it for now and see if DF has any brilliant calming-the-waters ideas.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret sorry I'm taken (despite the lack of ring!) but I have a sister if that helps!

Stick to your guns OP

MIL has a fixed idea in her head about what any wedding "should" be like, she sees it as a standard process that has all its rules laid out. In her head, it follows a prescribed pattern and order of events, she is showing you she is unused to coping with anything that deviates from her idea of accepted social convention.

It's making her uncomfortable as she can't work out how it will be a "proper" wedding, that's why she's like a broken record, suggesting all the conventional things that you don't want.

I thought a pp's suggestion of her having a dance with your DH after you and your Dad have your dance was absolutely lovely and I think that will create a great memory for her to take home from your special day.

Otherwise, have the day you and your DH want, it's your wedding and your plans sound wonderful.

She seems to have forgotten that it is your wedding, not hers.

Ignoring her and not "running things past her" to ask her opinion is the way forward. Present a done deal on the day and make sure you have a good photographer on hand to capture her best cat's bum face.

My wedding was almost 24 years ago. Thankfully, we didn't have too much interference and we're left much to our own devices.

I do, however, remember my parents' complete horror when we mentioned that we would be drawing up a wedding list at a well known department store which guests could buy from if they wished. Wedding lists were a relatively new thing back then, perhaps.

The reaction was "You can't do that!!" They were convinced that everyone would be offended by it and nobody would use it. We went ahead anyway. Almost everyone, including my parents, bought from the list. It was never mentioned again, and by the time my sister got married a few years later they didn't bat an eyelid at her having a similar list.

It sounds like the only way to get MIL on board would be to do everything the way she wants to give DP the wedding of her dreams.

Clearly this isn't a sensible solution.

I think I'd be wanting DP to have a firm word with MIL to make it clear that the planned wedding is the type of wedding he wants, not some ruination of the weddding he's been dreaming of since he was a little boy

livefornaps Yeah I completely get what you and some other posters mean and I'll definitely keep it in mind whenever her disappointment comes up. I guess it's just frustrating because the relationship was so much better before all this started. DF and I are both very family-orientated so she has no real reason to fear losing him. We all had Christmas day together (DP, me, mum, dad, sister, MIL + ex) and got on perfectly well. I would never have dreamed of her not being a part of our life before but she's making it less and less appealing!

I'm dreaming of my dd's wedding day - I'm hoping I'm on an exotic beach alone with a cold cocktail and I get a phone call saying 'Mum - I've just got married!!!!'

In my experience this kind of emotional blackmail behaviour about weddings is often because the person is worried about what Sheila from church or her sister Margaret will think because they did x and y when their kids got married. Weddings were also quite different back in the 70s and 80s; my relatives who got married then just did church and then a buffet in the local! So while she is being a total nightmare, I don't think "she had her chance" is helpful. I second giving her a dance and a role as witness. See if she wantss her hair or makeup done with you, or nails, if you're having anything like that done?

In my experience this kind of emotional blackmail behaviour about weddings is often because the person is worried about what Sheila from church or her sister Margaret will think because they did x and y when their kids got married.

VEry true.

MIL was apparently also terribly embarassed by our wedding (but not because of the church. But because of her family, apparently... Her DH's sibblings etc)

FiveMinutesAlone haha that last line made me laugh. That's exactly the face DF pulled when I told him what she said about me ruining his wedding today. Definitely no long-term wedding dreams being shattered on his end. I think he'd happily elope tomorrow if we could!

Pem DH actually did have some wedding "dreams" ;)

Well, more food-related dreams. He really wanted mulled wine (which was developed into a hot drink station. the hot chocolate was very useful for the little sprogs as a "pick me up" before going home/to the hotel)
He knew what cake he wanted (no arguments from my side)
And that he wanted comfy shoes :0

And some slightly more outlandish nerdy stuff ;)

Firstly, I think you should have the wedding you want and ignore her comments.

But I also think that you should try not to hold what she has been saying against her, especially when you have had a good relationship before. Bringing him up alone with no contact with his father at all must have been challenging and he has presumably been the main focus of her life for many years. It sounds like she has been playing out how things are going to be for him as an adult for years, and now he´s there and it isn´t like she imagined it or she isn´t seeing what is going on, she´s having some trouble adjusting. Doesn´t mean that she won´t ever, but not everyone is that flexible in their thinking and some people do have trouble letting ideas and dreams go. I think kind but firm is the way to go.

PNGirl DF is definitely going to go with a dance as long as the restaurant is happy with us setting up an iPod dock for a few songs (just the bride/groom, dad/daughter, mother/son ones)-- thanks to everyone who suggested it. We hadn't sorted witnesses so we like the idea of both mums doing it and it keeps her away from any wedding details! But DF wants to make it clear to her first this is the way the wedding's going to be and then once everyone's a little calmer I can ask her (rather than him suggesting it now and me being villain still). As far as hair, nails etc. I'll be back at home that morning (I do want the traditional separate nights before thing, I can't explain why I like some traditions and not others!) with my mum, sister and best friend and we are just going to fend for ourselves. If I could be sure she'd be in a good mood I'd happily have come over but if she's still a sourpuss about the whole thing she can stay on DF's end thank you very much!

OP your future MIL is clearly lonely and demanding and somewhat mental. Take her out with her DS and explain the whole thing. She might confess why she wants to run the whole thing and DS can explain why it suits the both of you.

ClaryIsTheBest My DF has views on cake too. He doesn't want "any of that fruit rubbish" and wants lemon drizzle instead (which now I come to think of it is a fruit but you know what I mean). So I'm not the only one breaking tradition here!

Totally fair enough! I just invited my MIL to the hairdressers with my mum, me and my 3 bridesmaids (one of whom was my SIL) so she felt included. She paid for her own hair and stuff but it was nice to see her before the wedding.

Also DF has said he'll still want to toast the two wonderful women in his life even if he's not doing a "proper" speech so that should please her. Anyway he's going to try and work his magic over the weekend and then I can mention some of your great suggestions (witness etc.) if appropriate later. And if that doesn't work you've given me the courage to just stay firm and stick with what works for us.

I feel much more positive about things now thank you all :)

Your plans sound great. Congratulations on your engagement. DH toasted and thanked our parents and especially our mothers, then a mate brought out some flowers for our mothers on our behalf. They seemed to like it.

I'm a MIL and can honestly say that I didn't interfere with DS's wedding. I think yours sounds fine, it's your day. Is there something small that won't ruin your day that she could be in charge of such as the flowers or cake?

We had the exact same with MIL when we got married.

BIL got married a couple of years before we did. MIL caused huge arguments as the bride and groom made all the decisions. Also caused DH and BIL to argue on the day. Was miserable affair for everyone and the photos show this.

Afterwards she told us that if we were to get married we should elope and save the hastle.

Guess what we did? Eloped to vegas.

We told parents before going and this did not go down well with MIL. Apparently she wad kidding for 2 years when she told us to elope.

Like the OP we had a reasonable relationship before this. Its never recovered. MIL now has a tendancy to throw tantrums if she doesn't get her way. Most recent was accusing us of ruining the fact i was pregnant for her as we were only telling parents until 12 weeks.

Your plans (and you) sound lovely, can I ask if you're having a photographer? Our wedding photos are incredible and are treasured 5 years later, we had mostly reportage style so not too much posing.

If you are, or if one of your guests is doing it, could you have a slightly belated engagement shoot? it would let you get used to your photographer and would give your MIL something for the mantlepiece?

Dormouse200 A friend of mine is doing the "official" photographs before and after the ceremony. He has a part-time photography business besides his regular job and is very good so we have lucked out there :) He is a very close friend and I didn't even ask so I'm not exploiting the relationship I promise! He is adamant about it being a gift so officially we are going to pay for all the prints we want and he is giving us the "shoot" and a touched up CD of photos for free but we are also sorting out a special thank you gift for him.

Once we go on to the restaurant I just want him to enjoy the evening as any other guest so my sister who also loves any excuse to take a million photos is planning to get lots of candid ones for the rest of the time, especially for our dances I hope, and even the likely less elegant night out afterwards. She has a good track record at getting lots of good photos and is our designated family event facebook photographer. I'm quite crafty so I want to make these photos plus some from the CD into a scrapbook myself and then a couple of quicker small photobooks for the parents. Plus of course the formal photo prints for mantlepieces etc. I think my mum would have a problem too if that wasn't on the cards!

It's a lovely idea but I'm not sure what would constitute an engagement photo for us, there's nothing really significant enough to make it not just feel like we were doing it for the sake of it. Also it's only 2 and a bit months now so would be trumped by wedding photos pretty soon. If I had to have an engagement photo I'd want it sat on a bench at a little train-station in the middle of the country with my partner and my old book in my hands. I'm not sure this wouldn't come across as a bit of a slap in the face to MIL!

After getting married twice and seeing a lot of friends get married, my take on it is this...

There is always, always a weird power dynamic between someone and someone. First time it was me and my DParents and DPIL. Second; me and late MIL. How you handle it is important. Because it will foreshadow your relationship. First time it was drama and arguments and everyone shouting and tears and weirdness. Second time, MIL (who was normally lovely and supportive, I miss her tons) just got told and she had to suck it up.

Guess which relationship worked out.

Because boundaries are important and you and DFiance become your new family. If you are still acting like children and them as parents (rather than all as adults) that will continue into life and parenting.