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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To advise MIL to tell this woman to fuck right off

145 replies

IllBeAtTheBarIfYouNeedMe · 08/03/2017 15:13

To be honest I don't think I am but My lovely future MIL has just called to ask advise after receiving a phonecall from her grandsons friends mother. Apparently this woman has rent arrears of 10 thousand pounds and is looking for MIL to lend her the money to avoid eviction. MIL has never even met this woman.

Both DP and I have suggested that if she were to she isn't likely to see much, if any, of it back and that this woman's problems aren't hers.

She could probably afford it but I don't see why she should have to.

Am I missing something here?

OP posts:
Noodoodle · 08/03/2017 19:57

Have definitely known council rent arrears to go that high. Not often but absolutely not unheard of. Judges (for some reason) love to give numerous chances to the people least likely to stick to repayment orders, no idea why. However, if it's true they are that high and this is her last chance to pay before eviction, there's no way in hell, as other pp have said, that she will pay mil back if she hasn't been able to keep up with her rent to that extent. Dil is clearly very dubious also if she thinks it's ok for her ds to say that to his gran!

Agree with pp, scam, all the way. Good on dh for deciding to speak with them for his mum.

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/03/2017 19:58

It's financial abuse, pure and simple.

AhNowTed · 08/03/2017 20:10

OP I have recently been through something similar. Long since ex-BIL not heard of for 2 decades asking for money.

So this barely acquaintance had gone through their entire phonebook of relatives on both sides, then friends to eventually get to you. In other words they have burnt all their bridges and nobody will give them any more money.

In short, don't!!

Doyouwantabrew · 08/03/2017 20:12

Contact the police op. There are laws to protect the elderly.

Tell the grandson and parents you are doing so. Might frighten them off.

Flowers1974 · 09/03/2017 17:48

This screams ALARM BELLS 🛎. There are surely no landlords who would allow rent arrears of that amount? It sounds like she's picking on a vulnerable victim and it sounds like a scam.......

Jem6738 · 09/03/2017 17:50

I would do one of two things. Get this woman's phone in,bee yourself and tell her to f%^k yourself. Or ring the police - sounds a complete con artist and if successful and gets the money from your FMIL they maybe powerless to help afterwards. She need a strong wording up!!

Onthecouchagain · 09/03/2017 18:09

Definitely call the police, this is not right.

CoraPirbright · 09/03/2017 18:15

Have you called the police OP?

SanityAssassin · 09/03/2017 18:26

To be honest if someone needs to borrow a large amount of money and can't qualify for a loan from a reputable financial body then that's all you need to know about the chances of ever seeing that cash again.

vixen68 · 09/03/2017 18:26

Well what a bloody cheek. I'd actually report her to the police !

Rainbunny · 09/03/2017 18:43

OP if I were your DH I would be sitting down to have a VERY thorough talk with his son (the GS) about this situation, you need to get to the bottom of this and find out exactly what dgs is up to. Since it's unlikely that this woman could have have arrears of 10k on a council property, as others have said this screams scam!! Is the dgs part of it or is he being led on by his "friend"? I would be furious if I was your DH actually and in his shoes I'd probably call this woman directly and tell her to stop asking for money immediately and that I am monitoring the situation and will not hesitate to go straight to the police if this happens again. In fact haven't they just strengthened the law regarding elder financial abuse?

You should explain to your MIL as well how very unlikely it is that this woman owes 10k on a council house so she doesn't get sucked in. If this woman and her son have your MIL's number you may want to see if you can block their numbers at the very least as they could call her when others aren't around and ask her to help them but keep it a secret...

Gosh I sound cynical but sadly I bet I'm right.

WannabeMNPrincess · 09/03/2017 18:51

I think GS, theres nothing 'darling' about him, is not as stupid or naive to think oh yeah Nan will 'lend' you £10'000 Shock

Call me cynical, but I'm feel like he's involved and is possibly getting a cut.

I don't buy burnt bridges with others, who on earth would you go to and say 'Hey, just wondering you got a spare £10k knocking about!' I wouldn't even ask for that from family. As for the bollocks about rent arrears, I believe they'll have it as a debt on her account she has to pay off each week or month. I don't think they would make a social housing tenant homeless over that as I'm guessing you'd be in sheltered accommodation quite a while. The other possibility is over payment of housing benefit, but still I believe from volunteering I've done, it's added as a debt to your account. You pay back whatever you can after affordability checks.

Unless living in a bloody mansion or thereabouts, I struggle to understand how you can rack up arrears that high, with out them taking action. That's why I think there's WAY more to this than meets the eye.

Definitely tell GS & 'friends' that you're going to the police. See how GS reacts.

Don't go oh poor GS has been duped, one of my siblings left school with no qualifications and wasn't the brightest tool in the box, but they fully well understood the value of money. If the GS thinks £10k is small in sum, he needs educating bloody quick.

I honestly thought we were talking about a young kid, I wouldn't expect my DD to grasp how much £10k is, but DS is at Secondary School and knows how much say trainers or a games console is, how much a car costs and how much a house costs. It's responsible parenting. When he was 10 it was cute he thought he could get a Ferrari with his savings, we didn't want to wreck that dream. But he certainly knows now what kind of car he might get for his savings.

WannabeMNPrincess · 09/03/2017 18:55

I know it sounds harsh but it's a very round number, I don't want to be flamed, but I think GS stands to benefit some how.

He's been bloody stupid even letting it be known that his Grandmother is worth anything. It's not something you talk about to anyone.

She's at risk now basically, if you don't want to point the finger at GS, then some member of your family is to blame for him divulging such information.

Stupidity doesn't cover it.

Yamadori · 09/03/2017 19:00

I'm beginning to wonder whether there might be something else going on and dgs friend's mum isn't the instigator at all.

The dgs has a friend, who he has probably known for a long time. I reckon that his mum (your soon-to-be MIL's exDIL) and pal's mum have known each other a long time too.

Your future MIL is being approached for money by her exDIL's friend. Presumably exDIL knows that MIL is fairly well off and a bit of a soft touch.

Could exDIL be the one who has hatched this plan with friend's mum and is at the bottom of it all?

Tapandgo · 09/03/2017 19:08

I think she is now vulnerable if 'her wealth' is openly being talked about. I would involve police and get the security of the house changed (locks too if dgs has a key). You never know where such talk ends up..........

Under no circumstances should she even think of lending money - if she did, for sure others would be after her too. There are legitimate agencies the woman can approach for help - random elderly people shouldn't be on the list. If your future MIL wants to 'help' the needy she can be encouraged to donate to homeless charities - then she won't feel she has 'turned her back' (if there is a danger she might feel that)

BrownEyedLady · 09/03/2017 19:17

There are loads of websites offering advice about protecting the elderly from scammers. There will be case studies so take a look and print a few similar stories out so she can see how bare faced some of them are.

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/03/2017 19:26

At 17 her DGS knows nothing about property or about debt. But he is out of order to try and persuade her to do this - give £10,000 to a stranger?!

Tell her to pass on the message that she should contact the CAB. I also second that no landlord would wait until a 10 grand debt was raked up to try and collect. She didn't pay rent for about a year? My landlord is on my back if I'm late by a couple of days! If your MIL is anxious about saying no, offer to do it for her.

Oriunda · 09/03/2017 19:36

When my grandmother was alive my then teenaged cousin (her GS) regularly used to pop round to ask her for money. She was vulnerable and family members had to step in to stop him doing it. If a friend of the GS knows the lady is wealthy she is definitely vulnerable.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 09/03/2017 19:42

Yamadori I think you may be onto something here regarding ExDIL.

I also suspect that the reason OP hasn't been back is that there is more going on.

greathat · 09/03/2017 19:57

I would be talking to the police

AutumnBlossom · 09/03/2017 20:10

I agree with Yamadori that it's feasible there's way more to this than meets the eye. It sounds feasible that ex DIL could be in on it all, which means SS would likely know about it.

I think his Dad wouldn't want to believe that his son could be so heinous. From experience, my Grandmother was open about her will, it changed so the amount payable to the GC was increased. There's a big gap between the eldest GC and the youngest, I'm on the elder side of the spectrum. I've seen first hand cousins talking in front of my Grandmother at 15/16 about this money they were getting, which happens to be £10k. They're older now and do not even visit even though they have had children of their own. (Mostly because their other Grandmother doesn't let them leave the house without cash in hand. My GM has been very generous to all of us over the years, so her money is what she lives off and inheritance is now split between her children to distribute so it's more equal.)

I would have said back then that the GC that was talking about it or Grandchildren, weren't exceptionally bright. But they knew the value of this money. That is was a considerable amount back then. Even now to me £1000 is a lot of money, regardless of savings. So don't be duped into thinking oh he's not that bright, I don't think he has the capacity.

I'm sure he knows how much his favourite trainers would be, or how much a new game for the latest console would cost. If you bear that in mind, he'll know full well that whilst £10k might not be a lot to his GM, it's still a considerable sum.

If my children get their hands at their wallet and purse, both know what they have and what it equates to in terms of certain products. We put pocket money in, we buy what they need, but if it's something significant and a long way off their birthday or Christmas, they'll know how long they need to save. One is at primary school, the other secondary.

I've NC as I didn't like my last name, but I think I said I wouldn't expect my DD to know what £10k is worth. But DS certainly does as he's like a hawk when it comes to his savings account.

I don't want it to be investigated without you even contemplating that the GS could be implicated, in what is the most stupid story or one of the most stupid stories, I've ever heard.

If you contact the 'friends mum' go maybe as if you're concerned about her situation, print outs from Shelter, see if she dares continue with it.

I don't know how old the GM is, but it sounds like the GS is at least egging that pudding, to pull on heart strings. I just get a feeling he isn't this clueless kid he's made out to be. Maybe that's a convenient front. Why would he be so worried about such a situation, when his friend could be housed in YMCA youth accommodation, which everyone considered pretty cool, having your own place.

Like I said if there is truth to it, there's been a benefits over payment, they simply have it on the account as a debt to be cleared. Social housing or council housing, I'm confident in saying that they'd push for eviction if anti social behaviour was involved. But a debt that significant in merely unpaid rent would have been addressed way before now.

I don't know why I'm assuming it's social or council housing. For a fact if it was a private rental, 2 months with no payment of rent and the landlord would be at the courts getting them evicted. Worse case scenario then is a CCJ for unpaid private rent arrears.

She wouldn't be in a tenancy like private rental, if a customer since before the changes, you basically get a lifetime tenancy, that's how organisations or councils would look at such a debt. Say a 3 bed semi, in most places you would be looking at around £110 a week if not less if she's been a customer for many years. So if she didn't pay for 5 years, base it on £100 a week with 4 rent free weeks, just under £5000. The government are reducing rents by 1% a year in that sector.

Janey50 · 09/03/2017 20:14

How very odd! What on earth goes through the mind of someone who thinks it's ok to ask someone they've never met to lend them thousands of pounds?Confused

Janey50 · 09/03/2017 20:17

Just another thought; how does this person actually know that your MIL is in possesion of £10, 000? Confused

Ticketybootoo · 09/03/2017 20:19

I would say they are trying it on and unless they are living in some palace I would say they would have been evicted by now with that amount owing. She does not need to lend them money or take pity on them as they are not her responsibility . I hope they leave her alone .

SherbrookeFosterer · 09/03/2017 20:25

This doesn't sound right.

We must pay our own debts and not rely on anyone else to bail us out.

I am worried she is being targeted as she is elderly. Might even be worth having a quick coffee and a chat at the local police station about it.