Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling really angry about this

75 replies

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 07:54

I've namechanged for this. DP and I split after 2 and half years. He is now messaging me blaming me for giving him a lifelong STD.

Backstory after 6 months of being together I started to notice things were not right down there. First I had a urine infection, got antibiotics. Antibiotics didn't seem to work, back to Gp, another wee in a bottle showed no urine infection. Then I got BV (never had this before) back to GP more antibiotics. Then my vagina went numb. I had never experienced anything like this before and I knew something wasn't right.

All of this was going on for over a month. I was really worried and asked for a smear test. Smear test came back herpes.

My DP had no symptoms at all. However he tested positive too but continued to have no symptoms.

Fast forward 2 years, he gets extremely slight symptom and it's all my fault.

Prior to this DP and I were both in long term relationships. He recently admitted to cheating on his ex lots of times.

I'm feeling so angry that he has secretly resented me for 2 years, for something that may not been my 'fault'.

AIBU to reply to his message telling him to go fuck himself?

OP posts:
Damselindestress · 07/03/2017 07:59

With his history of sleeping around, how do you know he didn't give it to you?

Original poster
Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 08:02

Exactly I don't! He seems to be basing it on I'm the one who had severe symptoms while he had none, therefore it must be me

OP posts:
ChicRock · 07/03/2017 08:02

Didn't either of you bother with an STD check before you started sleeping together without protection?

Original poster
Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 08:07

Yes we did. The only way to reliably test for herpes is a blood test. Which we didn't do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 08:09

Plus condoms do not protect from herpes, they just decrease the risk

OP posts:
Graphista · 07/03/2017 08:11

It shocks me how ignorant people are about stds.

Men due to their physiology tend to be less likely to get symptoms, symptoms mean nothing in terms of who gave who what, I mean actually that applies to all infections - you wouldn't claim the person with the worst cold was the one infecting others!

And as a lifelong condition he could well have had it before meeting you or equally you could have had it (and been symptom free - less likely in women but does happen) before you met him.

As chicrock says this is why regular testing especially before a new relationship is the best thing to do.

ChicRock · 07/03/2017 08:16

The only way to reliably test for herpes is a blood test. Which we didn't do

So the answer to my question then is no... and you'll never know who gave it to who.

Block him and forget about him.

Thefitfatty · 07/03/2017 08:19

To be fair they estimate that over 80% of the population has herpes (although it manifests in most people as cold sores) so it could have been anyone.

Creampastry · 07/03/2017 08:20

I think I saw on a programme that men don't show symptoms like women do, so he could have given it to you.

Strongmummy · 07/03/2017 08:22

I agree with Chicrock. Block him, forget about him.....then have a cake

Creampastry · 07/03/2017 08:27

But it could be total bollocks! It was on Girls!

Original poster
Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 08:28

Reading about it after the fact, he could have well given it to me. what I had sounds like a 'primary outbreak' ie first outbreak after becoming infected is usually the most severe.

The only thing I have to go on is smear tests, it's never shown on any previous smear tests. But again after the fact, it would only show if you had an outbreak at the time of smear.

I have never experienced anything like it before.

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 07/03/2017 08:36

Copy and paste all the relevant information and email it to him, with a fuck off it was your shitty behaviour that gave it to me, and never contact me again.

Birdsgottaf1y · 07/03/2017 08:38

""Didn't either of you bother with an STD check before you started sleeping together without protection?""

While I agree with regular testing, even HIV can take a couple of years to show up on a test.

This 'blame' is usually tied in with everyday sexism. People need to be a lot more mature about the risks of unprotected and protected sex, even within a relationship.

So yes OP, tell him to go fuck himself, it's the only way that you stay disease free.

NettleTea · 07/03/2017 08:38

well he is bullshitting you with the blame, based on his erroneous belief that lack of symptoms means lack of infection. I would give it to him back, that men often dont show any symptoms, and medical advice suggests (OK, google, but he isnt to know) that your symptoms were a primary outbreak, meaning that it is HIM who has infected you, probably because of his sleeping around in the past / possibly with you. Hopefully that should get him off your back.

Just remember the implications if you become pregnant please

STFU · 07/03/2017 08:40

What is BV?

It sounds like either of you could have the passer-on-er.

it would only show if you had an outbreak at the time of smear

Really? Whereas a blood test shows even without an outbreak? Is the same true for males? In that case, it could easily have been either of you, I guess.

StarlingMurderation · 07/03/2017 08:48

While I agree with regular testing, even HIV can take a couple of years to show up on a test.

This isn't true. HIV will reliably show up after 3 months. It certainly doesn't take a couple of years.

FurryLittleTwerp · 07/03/2017 08:49

BV is bacterial vaginosis which is not an STI.

Taking swabs from herpes blisters will diagnose acute infection - this is hardly ever done as the appearance is often typical.

Blood test will show that you have had infection, but not when, unless you have a negative test & then a positive test later.

brummiesue · 07/03/2017 08:49

Hiv takes a couple of years to show up on a test?
No it has a 3 month 'window period'
Why are you trying to give advice about something you clearly know nothing about?

Original poster
Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 08:49

I'm just really pissed off that he is telling his family and our friends that he has left me because I gave him it.

From reading it can lay dormant for years and years or even a lifetime. I cannot say 100% he gave it to me. But I strongly suspect it by the times, within 3 months of using no protection I had severe symptoms. Apparently the longer you have it the more the symptoms lesson. I haven't had symptoms like that again, they have been very mild since.

No chance of me getting pregnant Nettle, how can I have relationship, knowing that I could infect someone.

OP posts:
FurryLittleTwerp · 07/03/2017 08:50

"So yes OP, tell him to go fuck himself, it's the only way that you stay disease free." an excellent comment by Birds Grin Grin Grin

Thefitfatty · 07/03/2017 08:54

Blood test will show that you have had infection, but not when, unless you have a negative test & then a positive test later.

A blood test can show if the infection is new or not. If there are no antibodies in your blood it means that your body hasn't had time to create them, which means you probably contracted it in the last 2 months.

FurryLittleTwerp · 07/03/2017 08:56

Lots of people form sexual relationships if they are already positive for herpes, Nono

Original poster
Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 08:57

DP had a private blood test. He was told there is no way of knowing when as that is what the blood test, tests for antibodies. If you had no antibodies the test would be negative.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 08:59

Furry I don't think I could. Reading tells me Even condoms are not 100% protection as its skin to skin contact that passes it. Even if you don't have an 'outbreak' at the time.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread