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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be feeling really angry about this

75 replies

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 07:54

I've namechanged for this. DP and I split after 2 and half years. He is now messaging me blaming me for giving him a lifelong STD.

Backstory after 6 months of being together I started to notice things were not right down there. First I had a urine infection, got antibiotics. Antibiotics didn't seem to work, back to Gp, another wee in a bottle showed no urine infection. Then I got BV (never had this before) back to GP more antibiotics. Then my vagina went numb. I had never experienced anything like this before and I knew something wasn't right.

All of this was going on for over a month. I was really worried and asked for a smear test. Smear test came back herpes.

My DP had no symptoms at all. However he tested positive too but continued to have no symptoms.

Fast forward 2 years, he gets extremely slight symptom and it's all my fault.

Prior to this DP and I were both in long term relationships. He recently admitted to cheating on his ex lots of times.

I'm feeling so angry that he has secretly resented me for 2 years, for something that may not been my 'fault'.

AIBU to reply to his message telling him to go fuck himself?

OP posts:

Lunalovepud · 07/03/2017 10:21

Nononono1 YADNBU, your ex is being a dick.

I'm just really pissed off that he is telling his family and our friends that he has left me because I gave him it.

This ^ immediately makes me suspicious of him - why would he be making such a big deal out of it and telling people / blaming you if he had nothing to hide? It's like people who are having affairs who all of a sudden start accusing their partner of infidelity...

Firstly, there is no 'fault' here. STIs exist. People have sex. Lots of people have STIs. Some know and some don't. It only takes one time to contract an STI so it doesn't matter if you have only had one partner or multiple partners - it only takes one time.

The responsibility for safety in any relationship is with both people equally. You both make a decision to have sex and with that, the decision to accept any risks and consequences that go along with it.

Please don't feel that herpes will stop you having a relationship in the future - I know it probably feels at the moment like you are some kind of bonking pariah but this is really and truly not the case and it won't always feel like this.

There are lots of genuine men and women around who don't see STIs as a reason not to have a sexual relationship with someone, but just something that needs to be dealt with from a risk perspective. Don't let you ex colour the way you see the world and relationships - he doesn't sound like a great example of a good partner tbh...

Lunalovepud · 07/03/2017 10:23

And I'd bet you fifty quid that his ex hasn't been anywhere near a GP about this - she probably doesn't even know it's happening.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/03/2017 10:29

What makes it a bigger deal is social stigma. You're not dirty or damaged. Surely a person who knows they have it and watches for signs of an outbreak and is honest with their partner is likely to be more careful about sexual health?

Ex is bitter and he's struggling so the emotional ramifications are the worst symptoms. He is looking for someone to blame. He is not likely to be as vocal about his sexual history.
Don't let him put you off meeting men!
You don't have to somehow compensate for having herpes. You are great just the way you are.

Original poster

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 10:40

I thought I had been sensible and taken the right steps to protect myself from STD's. STD check (obviously not herpes) before deciding not to use condoms etc. I had regular smears which I wrongly thought at the time would show herpes.

I obviously didn't take the right steps to protect myself from a total dickhead

OP posts:

Wando1986 · 07/03/2017 10:44

It's herpes. It's not the clap. Most of the UK population has it and if he has a 2nd outbreak then his immune system is shafted in some way. Most only ever have the primary outbreak.

Original poster

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 11:02

Wanda I'm the only one who had a 'outbreak' as such, 2 years ago. It was quite severe and lasted for well over a month. My symptoms were mistaken for a UTI (burning when I pee) and i had numbness and very sore inside. I wasn't smothered in sores on the outside at all. I had what I can only describe as a couple of tiny bumps on the outside, I couldnt even see them, just feel them when I washed. All my symptoms were internal ones.

Since then I've had very minor symptoms about 4 times ie tiny raised bump, gone in a couple of days.

Ex DP had no symptoms at all (despite positive blood test) at the same time as me. Until very recently, he had extremely mild symptoms once.

That's when he decided it was my fault and I'd given him herpes. Despite knowing for 2 years he had it, same as me!

Seems he was quite happy to accept we both had it, we didn't know who gave who etc, until he got a symptom, then it was my fault

OP posts:

Lunalovepud · 07/03/2017 11:09

I obviously didn't take the right steps to protect myself from a total dickhead

Yes OP - unfortunately it is difficult to test for cretin as symptoms tend to only appear after a few months of contact...

Original poster

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 11:17

Lun what's making me angry is he is telling everyone the reason we broke up is that I gave him herpes, as if it's fact. He was quite happy to plod along for 2 years knowing he had it! Now I'm the scum of the earth and he has secretly resented me for 2 years for 'giving it to him'

Obviously his smiling face and still wanting sex dick, didn't get the memo 2 years ago!

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/03/2017 11:37

Ex might be more depressed than angry, which is his problem to sort out, but he's lashing out and I wouldn't engage with him because the stress isn't good for you.

Get sensible amounts of sleep, eat well, help your immune system. Take prescribed meds when you feel an attack is imminent.

You could totally abstain from sexual contact in future but like I said earlier, so many people are silent carriers, it is widespread. If anything, from now on you are likely to be even more fastidious.
Some men won't want to take the risk, but if you're not visibly upset about telling them and you don't convey how your panicky vindictive ex has made you feel, then a potential new partner may be reassured.

DJBaggySmalls · 07/03/2017 11:42

What he is doing could be construed as harassment. Law Centres give advice to people who cannot afford a lawyer. Go see one and see what your options are.
www.lawcentres.org.uk

Original poster

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 12:01

Donkey I think you might be right. 2 years when we both found out, we spoke about it, we researched it. We both agreed we would never know for sure. We both agreed it didn't matter, wanted to spend the rests of lives together, marriage etc, etc. We went about lives, usual stuff, holidays, planning things etc.

He seemed sensible about it, until he got a sore. Then his attitude changed completely. When he blamed me and I pointed out he has known for 2 years, why is it suddenly my fault. Apparently he has always thought it was me!

I feel quite betrayed as if I've been living a lie for the past 2 years. If that's what he truly thought why wait 2 years to tell me. I feel I didn't know him at all.

With regards to dating, how on earth do you go about it? Not that I want to right now. Do you tell men on the first date, before the first date? Maybe if they knew they wouldn't want a first date. Do you tell every man you speak to?

OP posts:

Lunalovepud · 07/03/2017 12:02

Nono please don't make the assumption that everyone believes him - a lot of them are probably thinking "The lady (your ex) doth protest too much, methinks"...

He obviously thinks that herpes is something awful, rather than a blister that comes and goes from time to time and isn't really a massive deal, so why he is telling everyone God only knows. Guilt probably...

Original poster

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 12:05

DJ I have blocked him now. There is no point with trying to reason with a man who thinks I'm the scum of the earth and has such a low opinion of me. It's just hurtful that he is telling everyone.

I haven't told anyone, apart from all of you! It has helped me talking it through on here. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 12:11

Lun yep he definitely sees it like that. He said he feels dirty. I disgust him and I'm scum.

A real charmer! I'm just as to why it's taken him 2 years to tell me this. Knowing you have herpes with no symptoms is perfectly acceptable somehow. Having a symptom and suddenly I'm filthy, disgusting and gave it to him

OP posts:

Lunalovepud · 07/03/2017 12:19

Maintain your dignified silence.

In terms of future dating, I would think the most sensible thing to do is to tell someone if it looks like your relationship is moving towards having sex. Don't tell everyone you meet as there is no need - you might go out with them twice and think they are a bellend and never want to see them again - no sense in telling something so personal to someone you might never see again...

Also, remember that safe sex is both partner's responsibility. You will be keeping up your end of the bargain in the future by not having sex when you have active infection and could pass it on and also by telling any potential long term partners about it before you DTD. That's all you have to do.

You don't have to become a nun, or be grateful to anyone who wants to have sex with you, or engage in some kind of self flagellation just because you have an STI. I know it doesn't feel like it now but it really isn't a massive deal for the vast majority of people.

STIs are very common and the chances are that most people you meet have either had one, have been worried that they had one or have a friend etc who has gone through the experience and will be compassionate about it. If they aren't then they are probably not the kind of person you want to be sleeping with in the first place. This could turn into something really positive and useful for you - a bit of a bullshit filter for potential future cretins.

Is there anyone you can talk to IRL about this? We are always here of course but it might help if you could confide in someone?

Thefitfatty · 07/03/2017 12:21

I probably wouldn't say anything of the first date. I'd bring it up when you're ready to have sex. Read up on it and explain that not only is it really common, but you probably won't be having outbreaks for much longer and that condoms are effective to prevent it from spreading.

Lunalovepud · 07/03/2017 12:21

Nononono1 did you split up over this?

He sounds like a candidate for bellend of the year to me...

Ferrisday · 07/03/2017 12:23

If your previous ex doesn't have it, then it's your ex, isn't it? Are you still in touch with him?

Original poster

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 12:30

Lun I just can't imagine dating at the moment, especially if they were to look at me in disgust when I told.

I just need some time for myself and to be kind to myself for now. Thanks for advice though, if I do feel up to it in future.

I don't really have a me friend. All our friends were mutual and trying to talk about it with them after he has already doesn't seem right. Like I'm trying to get them to take sides, rather than confide.

I will get over it, bounce back, I'm just feeling a bit low at the moment

OP posts:

Original poster

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 12:40

Ferris, I don't know if my previous ex has it. I have no way of contacting him. I had to get a restraining order.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 12:43

Lun yes we did.

OP posts:

Tangfastics · 07/03/2017 12:51

Op, I have been through very similar (although fortunately my ex was a dick but not to the extent of going around talking to others about it! That said he couldn't dispute it was his fault)

Anyway, for what it's worth......I was furious and be prepared for a seething rage to go on for some time. Sometimes I still get angry thinking about it but it doesnt get me down anymore.

I only had 1 primary outbreak and 1 very minor secondary (I think) in my case it's HSV1

When I moved onto my next serious relationship I explained events exactly as they had happened, potential risks etc. We have now been together 15 years, are married and my husband has had no problems at all,

You are right to look after yourself just now, it's a bombshell of course but it's not a life sentence. Take care.

Lunalovepud · 07/03/2017 13:13

Of course Nonono* there is not rush - my comment was only to try to reassure you that it isn't a huge deal and that your love life isn't over. I'm sorry for not explaining myself very well.

Lunalovepud · 07/03/2017 13:15

You are completely right to take time and be kind to yourself. It is a tough situation to be in when all of your friends are mutual friends of his too... Hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised that some of them come through for you - there are probably a few of them who think he is behaving really badly and are wondering how you are.

Original poster

Nononono1 · 07/03/2017 14:54

Thank you everyone for your advice and support

OP posts:

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