To be feeling really angry about this

[Nononono1]

I've namechanged for this. DP and I split after 2 and half years. He is now messaging me blaming me for giving him a lifelong STD.

Backstory after 6 months of being together I started to notice things were not right down there. First I had a urine infection, got antibiotics. Antibiotics didn't seem to work, back to Gp, another wee in a bottle showed no urine infection. Then I got BV (never had this before) back to GP more antibiotics. Then my vagina went numb. I had never experienced anything like this before and I knew something wasn't right.

All of this was going on for over a month. I was really worried and asked for a smear test. Smear test came back herpes.

My DP had no symptoms at all. However he tested positive too but continued to have no symptoms.

Fast forward 2 years, he gets extremely slight symptom and it's all my fault.

Prior to this DP and I were both in long term relationships. He recently admitted to cheating on his ex lots of times.

I'm feeling so angry that he has secretly resented me for 2 years, for something that may not been my 'fault'.

AIBU to reply to his message telling him to go fuck himself?

Hiv can now be tested for from as early as 4 weeks post exposure, certainly not years!

Other sti's it varies but generally speaking 6-8 weeks post exposure will give accurate results.

Op there are support groups for people who have herpes, you don't have to remain celibate the rest of your life it is manageable.

I would respond thusly: "Since neither of can say, categorically, that we didn't bring this into the relationship, there is no point trying to allocate blame. We are equally to blame for not getting tested before we started sleeping together. So do please refrain from telling people I 'gave' it to you. And next time use a condom.'

He's is a complete degenerate to go around telling folk you give him herpes. He needs to grow the fuck up and then some.

Herpes myths vs facts

Myth: Only certain sorts of people get herpes.

Fact: No, it is very common and anyone who has ever had sex can get genital herpes. It's not about being clean, dirty, good or bad – it's about being normal and sexually active.

Myth: Herpes isn't that common and I am unlikely to get it.

Fact: Herpes is very common and may be caused by both herpes simplex type 1 and herpes simplex type 2 (HSV-1 or HSV-2). HSV-1 causes "cold sores" on the mouth, and up to 80% of the population has this virus. However, HSV-1 may also be transmitted to the genitals through oral/genital sex and about 40% of genital herpes is caused by HSV-1. Up to 22% of sexually active adults have genital herpes caused by HSV-2. Most people with herpes will not have symptoms and therefore will not be aware they have it. 50% of people getting herpes get it from partners who are unaware they have it.

Myth: Herpes "cold sores" on the mouth are not the same as genital herpes.

Fact: Cold sores on the mouth or face are caused by HSV-1 and are commonly transmitted to the genitals (causing genital herpes) through oral to genital sex. Up to 40% of genital herpes is caused by HSV-1.

Myth: Herpes can only affect the genital area.

Fact: HSV-1 typically affects the mouth area. HSV-2 and HSV-1 affect the genitals, pubic area, buttocks, back of thigh or inner thigh. Herpes can also occur on other parts of the body, although this is less common. On the fingers it is known as herpes whitlow.

Myth: People always know if they have genital herpes.

Fact: No, 80% of those with genital herpes do not know they have it, as they may have no or very mild herpes symptoms.

Myth: People with herpes are always infectious.

Fact: A person with herpes is not always infectious but the herpes virus is occasionally shed from the skin when symptoms are not present. Most of the time when you don't have herpes symptoms you are not infectious.

Myth: When you have an STI check or a cervical smear it always checks for herpes.

Fact: Routine sexual health (STI screens) checks and cervical smear tests do not screen or test for herpes. Tests for herpes can only be done if a person has symptoms and a swab is taken directly from the lesion.

Myth: People with herpes cannot have children.

Fact: Herpes does not affect fertility in either men or women, and women with genital herpes can have normal pregnancies and vaginal delivery. Herpes can be passed on to babies, but this is rare. If you are pregnant and you or your partner has herpes, tell your health care professional.

Myth: Herpes causes cervical cancer.

Fact: Herpes is not associated with cervical abnormalities or cervical cancer. These are caused by HPV (human papilloma virus), which is not herpes.

Myth: Herpes is passed through blood.

Fact: Herpes is not present in the blood. People with genital herpes can still donate blood. Genital herpes is only passed through direct skin-to-skin contact, both orally and genitally.

Myth: If you have herpes you should always wear condoms in long-term monogamous relationships.

Fact: In long-term relationships, most couples choose not to continually use condoms, and understand that getting herpes is just a part of life. (Your partner may already have herpes without being aware of it). Whilst some people may experience troublesome herpes symptoms from time to time, for the majority, herpes is not symptomatic or causes only mild symptoms. Herpes medication is available for those that need it.

Myth: If you have genital herpes you can't have (receive) oral sex.

Fact: Herpes transmission to the mouth is uncommon.

Myth: I can pass herpes to myself from my mouth to my genitals if I accidentally touch myself.

Fact: Once you have herpes at one site, it is rare to then get the same type at another site. This is because your body develops antibodies which prevent this from happening.

Myth: It's risky living in the same house as someone who has genital herpes.

Fact: The herpes simplex virus (HSV) is not spread through sharing communal facilities. When the herpes virus leaves living skin cells, it dies. People with genital or facial herpes are able to use the same showers, toilets, washing machines and swimming pools as anyone else, without the worry of passing on the herpes infection.

If you were in a long term relationship before, this twat was your next sexual partner, and the previous partner doesn't have herpes... then I think we can be pretty certain of who gave it to who.

He sounds like an utter cock. A stupid one too.

That's a shame, Nono

I do know of people who deliberately sought partners who were already positive, so passing it on wasn't a problem - could that be an option?

Regarding getting pregnant with herpes, the only real risk to the baby is if you have an active outbreak during labour, in which case Caesarean is recommended.

No need to respond to the message. So what if you gave it to him or he gave it to you? What difference does it make to your future? None whatsoever.

I do know of people who deliberately sought partners who were already positive, so passing it on wasn't a problem - could that be an option?

Really? How did they do that?

Nononono1

You sound v considerate.

My friend has herpes and although condoms aren't 100% effective she obviously tells men this in advance, that she has herpes, what the risks are etc and that it is a life long thing - before they have sex so they can think about if they want to take the risk.

You would not believe the number of men that have pressured her to have sex without a condom even after full herpes disclosure in advance. Fucking twats. Those ones get zero nookie nad dumped ASAP.

Of course you can have children, and a sexual relationship. Herpes isnt a killer, it can be unpleasant and it can be painful, but you can take precautions to prevent passing it on as much as possible, or you may find that a prospective partner already has it, even if they are unaware. You can have children, but just need to be careful incase you were to get an outbreak near the time of birth, hence keeping healthcare professionals informed. Its seriously not the end of the world at all.

ChicRock there are websites that you can match based on herpes or other things

www.positivesingles.com/

Moving that's just the thing, maybe previous partners show no symptoms either. The only way to reliably test is a blood test. How many people have a blood test before entering into a new relationship?

Or maybe you both have it, have had it all your sexual life, from a previous, previous, previous sexual partner, show no symptoms, so therefore don't pass it on, I assume.

It's a minefield, that I wish I knew more about before the fact.

Argy it makes a big difference to my future. Not the who gave who bit, that's just making me angry. But my future in I will not be sleeping with anyone else. Especially after my ex's reaction.

How grim and unnecessary, a dating website where you're defined by your std status .

Thank god it's perfectly feasible to have herpes and still have a relatively normal dating life, with no need to resort to ivegotanstd.com to find a partner.

Just remember the implications if you become pregnant please

This is one of the many misconceptions about HSV. There is only a risk if the primary infection occurs during the third trimester.

How it was explained to me Nono is that most people will only test positive for herpes with a blood test if they have had it for 3 months. So when I had my outbreak the culture was positive but I didn't test positive in the blood test because I had only contracted it from stupid DH's shedding cold sore mouth less than a month before.

www.thehelpernewsletter.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=162:myths-and-misconceptions-about-herpes-whats-true-and-whats-false-&catid=180:herpes-101&Itemid=242

He's a dick acting like this. Telling every tom dick and harry you gave it him. It's most likely him that gave it him. No need for being an arse though.

DH's ex had to tell him she had herpes after they broke up. I think she had to tell ex partners from the last 6-12 months. We were together at the time, he's been tested a couple times years ago and was negative. Neither of us has any symptoms. So we assume we don't have it. We have never gone about telling anyone she has it.

Thefit thanks for explaining.

Ickle DP was the first person I'd slept with since splitting from my ex a year and half previously. DP told me he had split from his ex a year previously and had not slept with anyone. However, he recently told me that he cheated on his ex numerous times. So I don't know whether to believe he was celibate for a year, as he wasn't truthful about the cheating at the start of our relationship. Although that doesn't mean anything, although I was faithful during my previous relationship, there is no guarantee my previous ex was.

Does anyone know if you can have a severe 'primary outbreak' years after becoming infected or how likely this is?

I know it doesn't change anything and we both still have herpes. More just for my peace of mind.

Apologies for being wrong about the just remember implications when pregnany bit

www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes-detailed.htm

is it a type 1 or type 2 infection. think that makes a difference

Does anyone know if you can have a severe 'primary outbreak' years after becoming infected or how likely this is?

From what I understand it's pretty unlikely. People either have the primary outbreak (however severe) within 2 to 3 weeks or never at all. It's possible that if you're immune system was quite low you might have a severe outbreak years later. But I would assume you contracted it a few weeks before your initial outbreak.

Also, it's harder for a woman to transmit it to a man than vice versa.

looks like symptoms, if they come on, are 2-12 days after infection from that site

although this site says can be months
www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/tc/genital-herpes-what-happens

although this site says can be months

What's more likely though? That she randomly had a severe primary outbreak years after contracting it. Or her DP, who admitted cheating on his Ex, gave it to her 2 to 14 days before her severe outbreak.

He has just messaged again to say he told his ex and she 'has been to GP and got herself checked out and doesn't have it' I asked what GP took a blood test and he replied 'I don't know, but she doesn't have it' he seems hell bent on trying to prove it was me!

'Getting yourself checked' at Gp doesn't sound like a blood test. As far as I know you have to go private for blood test, as we did.

I want to reply maybe he should also tell the 7 women, who he slept with why with his ex and ask them for blood tests too.

It's just making me miserable, I'm going to block him and distance myself from any mutual friends. Which is probably his motivation in the first place, to 'turn' people against me.

Thanks for listening and for the advice.

he seems hell bent on trying to prove it was me

That's because it was most likely him.