AIBU with my Lodger?

[Nic8880]

Evening,

I bought a house in September and decided getting a lodger for around 1 year in could be a good idea to help me save for some home improvements. A friend from work stated her friend was looking for somewhere to live, so literally not long after I moved in, she followed.

We are both single and 30. We work full time normal hours. At first, we got on extremely well; I couldn't believe my luck. We began socialising after work sometimes too. She is very neat and tidy.

Sadly, things went downhill quickly and, naively, she paid me no deposit and I didn't set many ground rules to start with which probably hasn't helped.

A few months ago I couldn't help but notice she had COVERED her walls with paintings and pictures one weekend! I was really upset and told her to ask me to ask permission before putting things up in future. I started noticing little comments such as her "contemplating" painting the kitchen..! To which I said no. She has replaced one or two things in the house which really she should have told me and asked me to do, such as light bulbs and light fixtures all around the house. she has also assembled furniture I've bought for the house before I've had the chance. To some it may seem crazy I'm complaining but I feel she is treading on my toes.

More recently, she has been having 3-4 family members at a time to stay for weekends without asking me first. When I come home from work most evenings, she is already home and running between cooking her dinner and watching her favourite tv programmes and films. she never asks me what I want to watch or if I mind, and so most nights I find myself going up to my room to watch things on my iPad. She has made comments about her going away for an upcoming weekend and about how relieved I must be to be able to "watch what I want" all weekend!? This would be a strange comment (although a lot less stranger) even if I, as her landlady, had made that comment to her.

She has also opened a lot of mail addressed to "the occupier" or "homeowner" when she has come in from work, and she always parks on my drive, leaving me to park on the road.

I could go on, and on, and on. She refers to my house as "ours" and even in front of mutual friends I've heard her call the house hers (as in "mine")!!! She, unsurprisingly, has not lived with a live in landlady before. She seems very deluded and is almost in the mindset she owns the house? Having said that, even as the home owner id never dream of binge watching things on tv, seemingly oblivious to her needs and wants.

This whole issue is causing a lot of tension. I'm enjoying the money and feel kind of pressured into keeping her since we now have a lot of mutual friends (one of whom is my work colleague), however when I tell her/ask her not to do something, she absolutely cannot take it and either goes off in a strop or ignores me. I asked if she could stop wearing her muddy boots in the house last week and she never responded to my request and went and shut herself in her room all night. I also once asked if she wouldn't mind asking before putting the heating on (it's on a timer but she puts it on "on" if she gets cold), as she just pays me a set amount of rent each month whilst I pay the bills, and she just said "yep" and again took herself off to her room.

As her responses to me are quite dramatic, mumsnet - am I being unreasonable here? Any pearls of wisdom?

These things would drive me mad too! I also have a lodger, and she wouldn't dream of intruding on my life like this. Are you in or near London or another major city? You could try theatredigsbooker.com. They specialise in finding lodgings for actors working in theatres. As such the lodger is out till late every evening and won't surface in the morning until after you've left for work! A friend of mine has done this for years and met some very interesting people (who aren't in the house much!😀)!

Ffs it isnt illegal to open post not addressed to you. It's only illegal to do so if you're using the information inside for naughty things. The post thing is a red herring anyway, because I think the op means those rubbish advertising flyers addressed to the homeowners.

she seems to see herself as an equal flatmate rather than a lodger.

This is exactly the problem and unfortunately your naivety may have been partly responsible for that. you obviously didn't lay out the ground rules and boundaries clearly enough in advance. I think you have two options here.

A) You sit her down for an honest chat about how things are not working the way you had envisaged and while you are prepared to take some responsibility for that, you wanted a lodger not an equal house share partner. You can either ask her to

1. start living within the boundaries you set, for the current rent she pays, or

2. you negotiate a new arrangement that you are both happy with and she pays you much more rent to reflect the way she actually lives and uses the house.

But that will only work if you are genuinely still happy in her company and think that you can live with option 2. Quite honestly I think it's unlikely she will be happy with option 1 and trying to enforce it at this stage will be very awkward indeed for both of you.

B) You give her notice. Being mindful of mutual friends and the need for diplomacy, you explain that while you take some responsibility for not making the boundaries clear enough in the beginning, you don't feel you can relax in your own home with her there and you don't feel it's fair to ask her to change the way she uses your home now, so it would be best if she moved on.

You could just say you've had a change of heart over a lodger and want the house to yourself, which saves having to confront the real issues, but it will be awkward if she finds out you've taken a different lodger. Better to just be honest.

Just want to clarify something - most mail addressed to the homeowner/occupier ISNT junk mail - I had just bought the house when she moved in, so she has read confidential post from my solicitor and also a lot of mail from the council relating to council tax and other issues!

Thanks for all of your replies. I've read every single one. There does seem to be a large mix in opinions though - as I said, I've been a lodger a good few times and I think that's where I've picked my understanding up of how to be a lodger. However some people posting here seem to have a different view of it all? It is interesting!

Your solicitor addresses your letters with 'to the occupier'?

I also think you're being a bit unreasonable. I'm surprised by some of the responses. I can't see the issue with her putting the heating on if she's cold, cooking her dinner or replacing blown bulbs. I've not idea why your solicitor writes to uou and addresses it to the occupier. Normally to the occupier is junk.

She lives there, you seem to want her to ask permission for everhing, stay out of your way and just pony up the cash every month. Yes some things she does are insensitive like tv, guests, parking and she should be more inclusive with that.

I think uou need to lay down the ground rules with your sister before she agrees to move in, because otherwise it's going to be the same and you will damage that relationship.

Tell her she can't have guests without asking, she can't put the heating on without asking, nothing on the walls, she can't use the kitchen without checking if uou want to use it first, she mustn't replace blown bulbs, she shouldn't buy anything for the house, the parking is yours and she must ask about the tv. And see if she still wants to live with you...I suspect not.

I couldn't live like that OP, I would give her notice, explain that you've decided you no longer want/need a lodger and leave it at that.

I thought you meant she'd opened confidential post. She doesn't sound trustworthy Op, give her notice and keep a watchful eye during the notice period.

On the car parking, of course you should be parking your car on what is your driveway but I also wondered about your car insurance. Have you stated it's parked overnight on your driveway or the public road?

Bluntness All perfectly reasonable expectations for a lodger who is paying a lower rent for a bedroom.She is not a tenant. The Op pays the mortgage, utilities, why should she pay for her lodger and 3 to 4 overnight guests to crank up the heating whenever they feel like it. And it's certainly not up to the lodger to decide to be more 'inclusive' with the TV and parking, it's the Op's house and she should have private enjoyment of her living room in the evenings if she wishes. I'd be expecting the lodger to watch her own TV in the room she rents.

Some of the issues you have mentioned i.e opening your mail, replacing light fittings and building furniture have stepped over the line and YANBU to be annoyed about these. Things such as watching tv and parking on the drive, whilst annoying, are really your fault as you should have drawn up some ground rules at the beginning and said no parking on the drive and no use of the living room if that's what you prefer. It's a bit much to be moaning about that now. With regard to the pictures on her bedroom wall, putting the heating on when it's cold, and cooking when she gets in from work, well that's what most of the population does surely so it's not out of order that she does. So YABU there. I think you've fallen into the trap that lots of people who take in lodgers fall into: that you see the £££ signs but forget that your lodger is paying you that money in exchange for a room, bed, heating, lighting, and use of the facilities! The household utility bills will increase somewhat because you have an extra person living with you. You are not living on your own any more so you will have to compromise with sharing the kitchen. It's really not unreasonable for her to want to eat when she gets home from work! If you can't comply with the compromises necessary when living with someone, whether a house share or a lodger, then taking in lodgers is not for you, but if you can then you need to set some reasonable ground rules from the beginning, that you are happy with, but also ensure that you attract and keep tenants. You yourself said you like the money they bring in. Surely a happy medium/long term tenant paying regular rent is preferable to unstable short term tenants who leave under a cloud interspersed with periods of an empty room?

Watch the TV in her own bedroom?? Lodgers rent not just their bedroom, but use of communal spaces too.

If you don't want a lodger to use the living room, you have to make that clear before they agree to rent a room. Not many people would agree to rent on those circumstances though.

I think you've not mentioned anything that can't be sorted with a sit down and a cup of tea.

Explain that you're finding it difficult to live with her under the current arrangement and that it's partly your fault as you did it lay down ground rules etc as your head was swimming with buying the house.

Then explain what's bugging you, but in a polite manner. Things like heating etc can either be sorted amicably or you explain that you'll reduce her rent but she now needs to contribute to all bills - 25%-50% depending - ie I don't think she should have to pay half your council tax bill.

That should get you through to April, by which time you'll know if she's changed her ways or just continuing to annoy. If the former, problem solved. If the latter serve notice of two months, getting you your saving goal.

YANBU except for the part about referring to the house as hers.
Everybody refers to the place the live in as theirs, especially if paying rent/mortgage.

Please say that, despite the lack of a deposit, you at least have a proper lodger agreement with her? On paper, with notice periods defined...

she rents a room from you with right to use the kitchen and bathroom and she is seriously overstepping the mark and needs to use her room as her living space

Is that honestly how lodging works? You're not allowed to use the living room? What about the garden?!

Gosh, it would want to be bloody cheap.

No that is not how lodging normally works. And I have been a lodger.
Also I say - lets go back to our house - when I am talking about a holiday rental. I don't think it is really my house, it is a turn of phrase.

Where do her 4-5 guests sleep?

She must be really lacking in social skills if she thinks it's ok to redecorate the house.

The issue you have is that you're a complete walkover. She will continue to do what the hell she likes until you tell her or get rid.

Does she have a tv in her room? Or is her hogging the tv do do with a sky/vigin box? Ask her if she wants to pay extra to have it set up in her room.

Her parking on the driveway would tip me over the edge. I assume you car insurance company thinks that's where yours is overnight? House owner should have priority parking.

Then that needs to be made clear. Because few people will want to live in one bedroom.

Hmm I think things like changing light bulbs, referring to your house as her home and putting the heating on when she's cold are pretty normal tbh.
I wouldn't like to feel I couldn't watch TV in my own front room though but surely you could come to some arrangement about that?

Also changing light bulbs? Do you expect her OP to sit in the dark until you come home?

Anyone else feeling a bit sorry for the lodger?

She's going to be forced to sit in the cold and dark with no TV and a rumbling stomach until the OP gets home.