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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my Lodger?

146 replies

Nic8880 · 06/03/2017 21:34

Evening,

I bought a house in September and decided getting a lodger for around 1 year in could be a good idea to help me save for some home improvements. A friend from work stated her friend was looking for somewhere to live, so literally not long after I moved in, she followed.

We are both single and 30. We work full time normal hours. At first, we got on extremely well; I couldn't believe my luck. We began socialising after work sometimes too. She is very neat and tidy.

Sadly, things went downhill quickly and, naively, she paid me no deposit and I didn't set many ground rules to start with which probably hasn't helped.

A few months ago I couldn't help but notice she had COVERED her walls with paintings and pictures one weekend! I was really upset and told her to ask me to ask permission before putting things up in future. I started noticing little comments such as her "contemplating" painting the kitchen..! To which I said no. She has replaced one or two things in the house which really she should have told me and asked me to do, such as light bulbs and light fixtures all around the house. she has also assembled furniture I've bought for the house before I've had the chance. To some it may seem crazy I'm complaining but I feel she is treading on my toes.

More recently, she has been having 3-4 family members at a time to stay for weekends without asking me first. When I come home from work most evenings, she is already home and running between cooking her dinner and watching her favourite tv programmes and films. she never asks me what I want to watch or if I mind, and so most nights I find myself going up to my room to watch things on my iPad. She has made comments about her going away for an upcoming weekend and about how relieved I must be to be able to "watch what I want" all weekend!? This would be a strange comment (although a lot less stranger) even if I, as her landlady, had made that comment to her.

She has also opened a lot of mail addressed to "the occupier" or "homeowner" when she has come in from work, and she always parks on my drive, leaving me to park on the road.

I could go on, and on, and on. She refers to my house as "ours" and even in front of mutual friends I've heard her call the house hers (as in "mine")!!! She, unsurprisingly, has not lived with a live in landlady before. She seems very deluded and is almost in the mindset she owns the house? Having said that, even as the home owner id never dream of binge watching things on tv, seemingly oblivious to her needs and wants.

This whole issue is causing a lot of tension. I'm enjoying the money and feel kind of pressured into keeping her since we now have a lot of mutual friends (one of whom is my work colleague), however when I tell her/ask her not to do something, she absolutely cannot take it and either goes off in a strop or ignores me. I asked if she could stop wearing her muddy boots in the house last week and she never responded to my request and went and shut herself in her room all night. I also once asked if she wouldn't mind asking before putting the heating on (it's on a timer but she puts it on "on" if she gets cold), as she just pays me a set amount of rent each month whilst I pay the bills, and she just said "yep" and again took herself off to her room.

As her responses to me are quite dramatic, mumsnet - am I being unreasonable here? Any pearls of wisdom?

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 06/03/2017 22:05

The problem is that it sounds as if you didn't lay down your boundaries to begin with.
As in she has to pay a deposit, no pictures, photos stuck on walls without checking first. Shoes off in house and so on.
She's treating the house as though it's a house share, not like you are the land lady.
You're in charge so you need to assert your authority here. She's invading your boundaries. Sounds like a nightmare to be honest.
Can you sit down and have a 'review' of how you both think it's going. Then you can air your thoughts.
Situations like this fester if you don't speak up. I'd be tempted to give her 3 months notice I think.

228agreenend · 06/03/2017 22:05

Unfortunately, no house rules were put in place at the beginning. Consequently, , she feels entitled to use the lounge, have visitors, putting heating on etc - it's her home also. You almost sound like your her parent.

However, opening post, making furniture, painting the kitchen is overśtepping the mark.

harderandharder2breathe · 06/03/2017 22:06

Oh and I always asked if it was ok when I had 1 friend or family member to stay, whether in a houseshare or as a lodger. It's common courtesy. I never had more than 1 at a time

ChickenVindaloo2 · 06/03/2017 22:06

She is going to go radio rental when you kick her out!

FriendofBill · 06/03/2017 22:06

Going against the grain, it's her house too.
She's paying for that space.

And takes up more space than you in communal areas. Not a good fit.

Say that your sister is going to move in, and you want the room in 2 months. Also, no more than a single guest, on a weekend from now on.

Agree with PP, next time you set clear ground rules.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/03/2017 22:06

Is it possible, she could get a tv for her room maybe.

JoJoSM2 · 06/03/2017 22:07

She sounds like a psycho. I'd get rid of her ASAP and find someone more normal. I'd also sign a contract and have clear rules.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 06/03/2017 22:08

I wouldn't be surprised if you get home one day after giving her notice and she's changed the locks and your stuff is on the pavement!

HopefulHamster · 06/03/2017 22:08

I would give her notice now. Lodgers do not require very much. She sounds like she doesn't understand how it works and as if she could get worse quite quickly.

southeastdweller · 06/03/2017 22:19

Give her a months notice now and learn from the experience. Is the extra money really worth the stress you're feeling? Tbh I don't have a lot of sympathy for you as you should have been clear regarding the boundaries from the beginning. If you do get another lodger then best to get a stranger in (and check them out thoroughly) to avoid this awkward thing of having mutual friends.

boobah23 · 06/03/2017 22:22

Next time you have a lodger have a contract for them to sign, and set out the ground rules. Think of having this lodger as a useful experience, as she's given you a good idea of the kinds of things you need to cover in the contract. It's all a learning experience.

Original poster
Nic8880 · 06/03/2017 22:25

Thanks all. I take total responsibility for not laying ground rules; this would probably have come more naturally if I'd had taken in a complete stranger. You live and learn! I do like the idea of having a bit of a review about how it's all going; that could work.

Although, interesting side note - I did set one ground rule with her from the word go - to ask before putting things up in her room (walls freshly plastered and painted before she moved in to her room). She ignored this and put things up anyway. So when I asked her not to in my OP, that was technically the second time. I'm not trying to make excuses here for myself, but thought it builds an interesting picture.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 06/03/2017 22:27

I'd be honest and just say you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all as you've not had a lodger before and although you are glad she feels at home living with you, you'd like to discuss things such as hanging pictures etc as it is you that has to make good any damage, and that communal areas such as the kitchen and lounge need to be shared respectfully. If she's neat and tidy, that is a big plus and I assume she pays her way on time. I could put aside some little niggles for those plus points, but it is your home and perhaps she just needs a gentle reminder especially if she's not lodged with someone before.

dowhatnow · 06/03/2017 22:27

If your sister moves in instead, set firm boundaries for her before she moves in, or you'll find yourself in exactly the same situation again.

HotChoc10 · 06/03/2017 22:28

what is the expectation of a lodger over a flatmate? That they just stay in their room all day?

BestZebbie · 06/03/2017 22:34

I don't think you can complain at all that she replaces blown lightbulbs or starts cooking her dinner when she gets in, even though you don't get home until after she does.

Most of the other stuff would irritate me too.

SpartaCarcass · 06/03/2017 22:37

It's such a shame you don't have a deposit as you are now vulnerable to her doing things to your house - but then you can always threaten the Small Claims Court for costs relating to any damage she might do.

I have lived with many different people as a lodger and as a house share and she sounds like she's living a fantasy of being a co-owner. I'd NEVER have done most of the things she does.

I would sit her down and tell her in a completely NON apologetic way that you have issues with the way the house is running and you need to set them straight.

  1. the drive is YOURS and YOUR car parks on it
  2. opening YOUR post is ILLEGAL and she is not to do it again
  3. Repeat about the heating. Say if she wants to put it on without asking then she needs to stump up £100 extra rent a month as a heating subsidy. If that's not okay then she is NOT to doo it. On this can you lock the thermostat? Or put a kind of telephone lock on the heating controls?
  4. Start being more assertive about the TV. Say - I'm going to watch x. Or just switch it over when she is in the kitchen. Do it repeatedly and don't budge. If you have to watch something shit for half an hour for her to get the message then so be it.
  5. Tell her that it is not a guest house and more than one visitor is unreasonable and is NOT to happen. If it does - another rent rise. Explain it is your house to enjoy and your rules.

I know it's hard but her running away to her room is avoiding the issue. It needs laying out clearly so she KNOWS the exact way it is.
Say if she's not happy with this then this is her month's notice.

I am sure you can get a short-term lodger until your sister arrives. And when she does you'll have some rules for her :D

In all of this NEVER say sorry. She is the one wrong. Be firm and clear and assertive.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/03/2017 22:38

It sounds like two friends sharing rather than the lodger situation you wanted, but I agree with elessar it's not that unreasonable if you haven't discussed these issues. She perhaps sees it as a more informal arrangement than you. I can't see anything wrong with parking in the drive if she's home first.

If you can't confront her and discuss some agreed rules, you'll have to just give her notice, but make sure you learn for next time!

brasty · 06/03/2017 22:38

This is a bit of both of you.
Why should she not park on the drive? Or refer to the house as hers, it is her home? Or put on the heating?

DAMNgina · 06/03/2017 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fruitbrewhaha · 06/03/2017 22:48

I dont think she sounds that bad to be honest.

When she moved in you got on really well, so that set up the relationship. Rather than being a lodger who's needs were to come below yours, she was an equal. She has fixed things or replaced things that broke or needed replacing. I expect the kitchen could do with a freshening up and she offered to paint it. She has only opened mail addressed to the owner so it's only marketing crap not your personal mail, putting together flat pack furniture was doing you a favour. Of course she has put on the heating, it's been cold.

I think she can't win. You're naffed off that she is home before you and watching tv while cooking, so you strop off to your room and then complain that she hogs the tv all evening. Well you are in your room.

Is she paying the equivalent of half the cost to rent in your area? If so then I don't think yu can blame her for having her feet firmly under the table.

Alice212 · 06/03/2017 22:50

What Sparta said...but write it down.
She will claim she forgot otherwise.

INeedNewShoes · 06/03/2017 22:52

This is barmy!

I think you need to relax a bit on the heating, putting pictures up, and her being in the way in the kitchen. Unfortunately those things are par for the course when sharing a house (you could specify to future lodgers that they don't have use of the living room if the TV bothers you a lot).

Aside from those things she is totally out of order! It is your house and she has no right to open the post, assemble your furniture, replace any fixtures/fittings. The fact she thinks this is ok suggests to me that she is on a completely different wavelength and your only option is to ask her to leave before this gets completely out of hand.

novemberontrumpwatch · 06/03/2017 23:00

Does she think you're a couple? [biggrin]

SpartaCarcass · 06/03/2017 23:02

brasty "why should she not park on the drive?
Because it is OP's House!! She owns it! She pays the mortgage, the insurance, the bills, the maintenance, the maintenance of the drive, has all the responsibility and it is HERS. So wtf should she be the one trolling down the road for a parking space when she has one she is paying for?