To think DH should stop seeing this female "friend"

[springycurls]

First time posting in AIBU, I really don't think I am but DH won't discuss it properly AT ALL

DH and I have been married for 6mo. I've known him 2 years. We're in our late 30s and met online. He was always open that he was looking for a serious relationship and our relationship is great. He can be a bit immature and there are things I'd like to change about him but overall I'm happy. He is in a very niche job working for the government that needs a lot of specific, high level qualifications (PhD as a minimum)- it can be very demanding and a lot of it he isn't allowed to talk about. (this is relevant!!)

He has this female "friend" who he met many years ago. She is in the same job but is 10 years younger and though he wasn't her manager he mentored her when she first started. They do seem to have a lot in common- DH has some quite strange interests that I think he's a bit old for TBH. They became friends and stayed in touch but there's always been something "off" about her. I've heard from friends who knew him before he met me that they used to go on "dates" e.g. for dinner or films even though she has a partner. That hasn't happened much recently. She's been with this partner a long time but they're not married so I'm dubious as to how serious she is about that.

Anyway I went through his FB messages and whatsapps and it seems like they message quite frequently- at least once every week. Sometimes she starts it, sometimes he does. Usually it's about some of these weird interests or sounding off about work- again the very specific stuff about their job that us "plebs" wouldn't understand - but I've noticed that she has a pet name for him that no one else uses and he uses a pet name for her. She sometimes ends her messages with xxx. They are due to be away for work in London in a couple of months. It's not required that they go as it's a seminar type thing, but I found a message from him asking if she was going and saying that he'd go if she does! She had replied saying thank god I'll have someone to sit next to, you're the only person I like out of all of them!!

She has in the past tagged him on facebook and it's always a bit inappropriate- like they both went to this comic book expo thing and she photographed him there with some models.

I have met her a few times and always felt she was actually a bit rude/cheeky to my DH- especially from someone so much younger who is in the same job and should be looking up to him. He says she's not rude it's just "we think the same way". I think she's a bit snooty as she seems to presume me and DH will have the same interests. We had her round for dinner once and it was awful! She's known DH's cat since it was a kitten so it loves her (cat hates me, I hate cats) and she made a bloody great fuss of it. She then wanted to talk politics which was a bit controversial as DH and I don't agree and she openly said she was shocked by that and not agreeing would be a "deal breaker" for her and her partner!
He wanted to invite her to our wedding but I said no. She sent us a card and a small gift anyway which I thought was quite passive aggressive!

I have tried to get him to talk about her but he just tells me to leave it and that there's nothing going on. I can't put my finger on it but it just doesn't seem right for him to have this sort of relationship. All his other female friends are our age, married and he's friendly with the husbands too. I've tried looking her up on facebook but her privacy settings are very strong so I can't even message her directly telling her to back off. I could get her number off DH phone but that seems a bit OTT

How can I get my DH to see this is a bit weird, and am I being unreasonable to think he should reduce his contact with her and keep it just professional? She's a young girl surely she should be making friends with people her own age anyway!

Why would he even NEED to defend his friend unless op was looking for faults just to feel superior? Why would he HAVE to agree with op over a dress for goodness sake? People have different tastes why should op think her oh should agree with her all the time?

Ffs she is a friend he has known 8 years longer than op. Why does the fact she is a woman automaticaly mean at some point in the next 10 years they will be having an affair? God we are not all at the mercy of our urge to procreate! If anyone told me who I could be friends with they could jog on.

Am I missing something here? There really sounds like there is nothing suggestive or innapropriate in this relationship. You have done some awful things going through his phone, not inviting clearly a pretty good friend of his to your wedding. Jealousy is a terrible thing and you may find yourself lonely all too soon. I'd recommend some friendly proffessional help. Sorry I don't mean that to sound rude but there are lots of counselling out there that might help you see what is going on is completely with you.

Sorry, I think this woman would annoy me quite a bit too. It's being overly familiar with your OH when you're all together that would seem just a little "challenging" to me.

Giving you a present for your wedding is definitely not passive-aggressive though. Even if you think it was a pointed gesture, an attempt to make a claim or a statement of some kind, passive-aggressive it is not.

But she still would annoy me.

That said, I agree that you need to conquer your feelings of jealousy as that will get you nowhere!

As a woman in (still) a man's world, professionally speaking, I've always been friends with my male colleagues. I also had multiple exes (now friends) as well as opposite sex friends at my wedding, including, as someone else said, Men of Honour/Brides-men. It was like 4 weddings but without the awkwardness (or the shagging in cupboards, AFAIK).

It is entirely possible to be very good, even best, friends with a man. If my husband had refused to have these guys at our wedding, I'd probably not have married him, as they are an incredibly important and long-standing part of my life and shutting them out would show how little respect he has for me and my needs. Instead my husband made friends with them himself, socialises with them, and actively encourages me to spend time with them alone. That's what you need to do, and if that's too difficult, leave them to it, but don't try to break them up.

His friend isn't being "overly familiar" -she's a good friend who has known him and been mates with him for 10 years. Why the hell should she walk three paces behind with her eyes averted just because the OP strangely and mistakenly thought getting married equals giving up your friends, hobbies and personality.

I only got to P4 but I had already posted. I cannot believe the scorn that has been heaped on the OP - I am staggered - she's been called all sorts of insulting names, some worse than others.

As far as I can see the OP feels upset about this r/ship and no one can get into the rights and wrongs of feelings - or they're pretty daft if they do. Many times women are encouraged to follow their intuition not told she is weird, stupid and god knows what else she has been called.

I wouldn't be happy if I found out my DH was messaging someone on a regular basis and refused to talk about the woman. AND no one seems bothered that they are going to a conference in London for 3 days that they don't need to go to, and it seems to me that they are going just so they can be together. Why else would they go - if she wasn't going the then OP's DH wouldn't have gone - he said as much. SO all of you would be happy if your DH did something similar.

I agree that OP might well be feeling insecure as she does not do the same job and it's pretty high powered. That is evidence by her saying that "us plebs" wouldn't understand.............give her a break FGS and - we all know it's entirely possible to be friends with someone from the opposite sex and it be platonic but I think it would have been kinder to try to understand the OP more. She's probably gone now and I can't say I blame her.

MN is a funny old thing - the number of times I read LTB when I think that's just ridiculous ...............

YANBU
I know i'm going against the grain - but trust your instincts and suggest combining the london trip with a romantic break - with YOU. Do not mention suspicions at this point - just that a break would be great and you really want to see x exhibition/show whilst he works during day.
If it doesn't smell right - its probably not in my experience. You are checking his phone because you sense something going on, trust your sense and be aware. I think straight men and women rarely can have really close friendships without a little spart of what if...

What would that achieve cody?

If i had plans with friends (male or female) and dh said 'oh ditch the friend and we will make a romantic weekend of it' i would say 'i have already made plans with friend, how about we do it another weekend'

No way would i ditch my friend because dh decided he wanted a romantic weekend instead.

Do you really think its ok to marry someone then demand they ditch a friend they have had for years, try and manipulate them into changing and then start playing games to prove you are right?

Its so controlling and not ok.

I think straight men and women rarely can have really close friendships without a little spart of what if

Sorry but that is rubbish.

"He can be a bit immature and there are things I'd like to change about him but overall I'm happy.

DH has some quite strange interests that I think he's a bit old for TBH.

She's been with this partner a long time but they're not married so I'm dubious as to how serious she is about that.

He wanted to invite her to our wedding but I said no.

I've tried looking her up on facebook but her privacy settings are very strong so I can't even message her directly telling her to back off.

She's a young girl surely she should be making friends with people her own age anyway!

I had hoped that once we were married these interests would end and his outlet would be doing things with me!

OP, do you listen to yourself? Your husband and this woman - because she is a woman - aren't doing nothing wrong. You sound extremely insecure, possessive, condescending, and dismissive of your husband.

The problem here is you. Not them."

^^ This

38

If I couldn't go away on a work thing I thought my spouse trying to infiltrate that and basically making me responsible t for having to keep him.happy and involved when they wouldn't have a clue about what was being talked about in the after meeting drinks I'd be running fir the hills.

It's will. They I'll want to doss cuss work like after possibly go out with some of the other attendees. A wife with a face like a slapped arse sat there making sure he's it chatting up the staff is not something to indulge...

It's work

Discuss

Ffs autocorrect

AND no one seems bothered that they are going to a conference in London for 3 days that they don't need to go to

A few people have explained this. Conferences in general are compulsory in academic-type jobs in which you need to network and keep up with research. You can pick which specific conferences and specific conferences don't tend to be compulsory but, if you suddenly stopped going to major and important conferences because your spouse had a tendency to jealousy you would be missing a major part of the job.

I've had similar conversations with both male and female friends. "Are you going to this? Great, I'll have someone to talk to!" Then when I get there I meet new people I like and chat to them instead, periodically checking my conference buddy is getting on OK. I'm not bothered by it because I've done it and not shagged anybody at least nobody with a partner

This isn't particularly helpful, but I realised my OH took a condom away with him to a work conference (and didn't bring it back). He subsequently said he had heard these conferences could get 'pretty wild' (sad fucker). Even if this is true, I doubt OP'S dh would be going with an old friend for this reason, unless there were other related red flags previously. Which there doesn't seem to be (beyond possibly being over friendly for OP'S liking)? Unless I missed any by skimming the massive thread.

JellyBelly I don't think you've missed anything in particular. I think for several people they would feel differently if the OP had been married for 10 years and the friendship was recent. But as it is the friendship is long-standing and the marriage is recent. Thus it seems odd that they would have an affair now when if they'd wanted to they could have got it together before.

Are you married to Sheldon?

Cody
Op has checked his phone etc and found ABSOLUTELY NOTHING apart from a few messages about work or hobbies.

Maybe it's cos there is nothing to find yet she still doesn't want her oh to have this friend.

It's perfectly possible to have friends of opposite sex and nothing else goes on. It's pretty insulting to suggest that we can't keep our hands of a friend just cos they are the opposite sex.

"....but I had hoped that once we were married...."

Getting married doesn't change people's behaviour - why would you expect anything to change?

I'm with Liz marriage does not change a person it's just a day!

If this friendship didn't have breasts there would have been a wedding invite and that's really all it boils down too, Op does not like husband having a female friend. In my experience it really doesn't matter what you do if he is going to sleep with her he will do it anyway so relax get some hobbies make some new friends and just let each other breath you will find you will appreciate each other more.

All of you...stop making this a human problem! Jeez. It's obviously it's the cat's fault. You need to get rid of it.

Sack. Brick. Water. Job done.

If you do this your life with your OH will be much better. If you don't, that animal will tear down everything you hold most dear, they're sneaky like that.

Whoa @bluntness100 I'm 34 and deem myself still young 😂 I often stay up till nearly 11pm and even had a cheeky Vimto last weekend 😂

I personally think you need to back off and relax. My OH is also quite a private person (through choice not work requirements) and he has friends that are girls and he messages. One of his female friends is an ex who he still sees at the football and they go to the pub together afterwards or during if it's an away game on TV. They message each other and ha e known each other before I came on the scene so who am I to tell him to stop. At the end of the day I am the one he married, I am the one he comes home to and whinges to and I am the one who he loves. I trust him and he trusts me. We don't have the most secure relationship either sometimes because we literally only just met before I fell pregnant and our relationship had to grow from that.

Going through his messages and Facebook is a bit stalker like. He should be glad he has a cat and not a bunny!

I seriously wonder how some of us are supposed to manage our careers: if we are not supposed to go to conferences where we might meet the opposite sex, not to make arrangements to meet up with colleagues of the opposite sex at conferences, not to go out to dinner with colleagues of the opposite sex and not to have long conversations with colleagues of the opposite sex which are incomprehensible to our spouses. Dh had better start studying for that PhD right now!

And the age thing is bollocks. In many jobs, age is a number. The eminent specialist on something you need to know might well be someone 20 years younger on a lower pay scale: you still respect them for what they know and you certainly don't expect them to kow-tow to you just because of your grey hairs.

We used to have a staff member who whenever he had to work with a female member of staff camped out in the shop. She'd sit up at the counter or on a nearby table with a pile of magazines....

As if we would jump him.the second she left