To think DH should stop seeing this female "friend"

[springycurls]

First time posting in AIBU, I really don't think I am but DH won't discuss it properly AT ALL

DH and I have been married for 6mo. I've known him 2 years. We're in our late 30s and met online. He was always open that he was looking for a serious relationship and our relationship is great. He can be a bit immature and there are things I'd like to change about him but overall I'm happy. He is in a very niche job working for the government that needs a lot of specific, high level qualifications (PhD as a minimum)- it can be very demanding and a lot of it he isn't allowed to talk about. (this is relevant!!)

He has this female "friend" who he met many years ago. She is in the same job but is 10 years younger and though he wasn't her manager he mentored her when she first started. They do seem to have a lot in common- DH has some quite strange interests that I think he's a bit old for TBH. They became friends and stayed in touch but there's always been something "off" about her. I've heard from friends who knew him before he met me that they used to go on "dates" e.g. for dinner or films even though she has a partner. That hasn't happened much recently. She's been with this partner a long time but they're not married so I'm dubious as to how serious she is about that.

Anyway I went through his FB messages and whatsapps and it seems like they message quite frequently- at least once every week. Sometimes she starts it, sometimes he does. Usually it's about some of these weird interests or sounding off about work- again the very specific stuff about their job that us "plebs" wouldn't understand - but I've noticed that she has a pet name for him that no one else uses and he uses a pet name for her. She sometimes ends her messages with xxx. They are due to be away for work in London in a couple of months. It's not required that they go as it's a seminar type thing, but I found a message from him asking if she was going and saying that he'd go if she does! She had replied saying thank god I'll have someone to sit next to, you're the only person I like out of all of them!!

She has in the past tagged him on facebook and it's always a bit inappropriate- like they both went to this comic book expo thing and she photographed him there with some models.

I have met her a few times and always felt she was actually a bit rude/cheeky to my DH- especially from someone so much younger who is in the same job and should be looking up to him. He says she's not rude it's just "we think the same way". I think she's a bit snooty as she seems to presume me and DH will have the same interests. We had her round for dinner once and it was awful! She's known DH's cat since it was a kitten so it loves her (cat hates me, I hate cats) and she made a bloody great fuss of it. She then wanted to talk politics which was a bit controversial as DH and I don't agree and she openly said she was shocked by that and not agreeing would be a "deal breaker" for her and her partner!
He wanted to invite her to our wedding but I said no. She sent us a card and a small gift anyway which I thought was quite passive aggressive!

I have tried to get him to talk about her but he just tells me to leave it and that there's nothing going on. I can't put my finger on it but it just doesn't seem right for him to have this sort of relationship. All his other female friends are our age, married and he's friendly with the husbands too. I've tried looking her up on facebook but her privacy settings are very strong so I can't even message her directly telling her to back off. I could get her number off DH phone but that seems a bit OTT

How can I get my DH to see this is a bit weird, and am I being unreasonable to think he should reduce his contact with her and keep it just professional? She's a young girl surely she should be making friends with people her own age anyway!

Honestly, the thing that comes through most here is that you don't like or respect your husband at all.

I'm just shocked he didn't leave you when you told him he couldn't invite a close friend who's been nothing but nice to you to his own wedding.

Yes

Please can some body explain what a reverse is!!
OP I think you should have a good talk with your husband about why you are so upset. Hugs xxx

Sounds like she is jealous of you.
I don't trust her not him. Despite what everyone says unless you are in a couples relationship having a friend that close is asking for trouble. He should know better. Maybe she strokes his ego.

OP I think you should divorce your DH as soon as you can.

You don't deserve him and you are living in a fantasy about what marriage is and how to be married.

I think you need therapy, not counselling.

If I was your DH and I saw this thread, I'd divorce you tomorrow, and head for the hills without a backward glance.

Your lack of respect and disgust of who your DH actually is is absolutely shocking. I bet you've even thrown out some of his clothes because you don't like them.

The cat is spot on.

Hi op. Im really sorry that people are being so unkind on here. I dont think you are being unfair. You cant help the way you feel and you have every right to comminicate your feelings to your dh. Me and my dh would consider ourselves 'jealous' 'insecure' people. We are completely honest with each other. Im welcome to go thru his phone, he is welcome to go thru mine. We understand each others feelings on things so try hard to make things right. Follow your gut feeling. Communicate your needs and try to reach a solution thats right for both of you.

They knew each other before you met him and they were good friends then and I don't imagine much has changed. And you still married him. You need to accept that he is going to have female friends at work. She hasn't said anything inappropriate on what's app etc by the sounds of it

YANBU trust your gut and give him an ultimatum

What do you mean, your husband "won't discuss it properly AT ALL"?

FWIW, I can be a fairly jealous person, I would be uncomfortable with this, but I wouldn't try and interfere with this friendship. Your jealously is irrational and disproportionate to the nature of the friendship you describe.

Do you mean he is actually refusing to discuss it or just that he is refusing to say the things you want to hear?

Thanks OP. This thread has been good!!

Now go get that divorce. Your relationship is doomed unless you get a complete personality transplant. I can't believe you looked up her fb to try warn her off??!

You try get rid of his friends.
You don't want him to have interests outside of you.
You invade his privacy (which shows you have no respect for him).
You hate cats (worst of all).

She sounds really nice and smart to me. You sound like an awful person!

As I said before, most of the men with jealous partners that I know have plenty of female friends- they just keep them quiet.

Pretty much. I have a few male friends who have kept their friendship with me anz DH underwraps. My DH knows me and male friend meet up. Their DW don't always know when we meey up because it's 10 times easier than getting grilled on a coffee trip.

HVe you asked yourself why he married you if this other woman was on the scene?! U think the answer is that he wants to be married to you! She's a work colleague! I often say stupid things like that to guys and girls I work with ... bit of banter, friendly chat and others are kind of switched on to similar things to me- I've got pet names for some as have others for me ... it's nothing ... it's just friendly working colleagues. I actually tell my husband things like 'thank goodness xyz is going to this conference / meeting it's going to make it less dreadful!' - it's just close working relationships
Does he work at PD by any chance?!

I doubt the OP will come back.

Give him an ultimatum? Thats a joke right?

Here is how it would go;
Dh give up your hobbies I am not interested in them and neither should you be.
You are not allowed any friends of the opposite sex especially any you knew before I came along.
You are not allowed to be in contact with work colleagues outside of work especially the opposite sex.
You can't go on work trips unless I have vetted who is going in case there are any of opposite sex.
I will be the only person of opposite sex in your life you will only have interests that include me.

Put that in relationship board from a woman about what her husband had told her..
Can you imagine the avalanche of responses of RED FLAGS and LTB before it gets worse?

The guy has done nothing wrong. Despite ops best efforts to find something. Why is it ok for this behaviour from a woman but not a man?

Jeanne
Don't you have people in your life you have known for 10 years? Are you planning on having an affair with them?

Seriously just cos she is female does t mean she is after him. She is in her own long term relationship if something was going to happen they wouldnt be with other people. Give them some credit. People can have friendships without being overtaken by a raging compulsion to shag each other it's called being an adult.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a talk. Going through is messages and snooping round behind his back smacks of irrational jealousy. He married you, not her. As you say, you've only known him 2 years, and you can't expect him to forget everyone he knew before you came along. If you feel that insecure, tell him.

I despise football. Don't get why people act like it's life or death, I think the whole thing's ridiculous. But I accept it's a big passion of DH's and I would never expect him to give it up because I don't like it. He has other friends he can talk to about it and we have plenty of our own shared interests.

DH also has lots of work friends who are 10+ years older than him (he's in his late 20s) and I would LOL if anyone described him as a "young boy".

What's wrong with going for dinner/to see a film with your friend? It sounds like he stopped doing it when he met you anyway so it's hardly a cause for concern.

Not everyone in a committed relationship wants to get married. You seem to have a lot of set rules about what people should believe, people aren't strange just because they don't have the same beliefs/interests/values as you.

It is not healthy behaviour to go through your husband's messages when you have no real reason to suspect they're doing anything wrong.

Messaging once a week or so is really not a full on friendship. If they were messaging every day about intimate things then I would also be concerned, but occasional messages about hobbies, work and cat memes is just a normal friendship.

Pet names aren't a big deal either in the context of everything else, especially since they've been friends a long time.

"I'll only go if you do, so glad you're going so there's one person I actually like!" is exactly the sort of thing I'd say to my best (female) work friend.

Why should she look up to him?! Again, the age difference isn't that big. They are friends, surely it's normal to have a bit of a laugh?

Why is she not allowed to like his cat, just because you don't?

If they both work in government at a high level then I can imagine they talk about politics a lot. I also couldn't be with someone who had vastly different political views to me, might be slightly tactless to say that to a couple who have differing views but it sounds like something I'd say without thinking. And why can't she come round without her boyfriend?

Sending a small token gift to a friend who's wedding you haven't been invited to is a lovely gesture. Why should she ask for the gift list?! She wasn't invited!!

You're lucky her Facebook privacy settings are so strict, if I knew DH had messaged a friend of mine telling them to back off I would be seriously considering ending my marriage.

This sort of controlling behaviour is going to push him away, you really need to get this jealousy under control or you will lose him, and not because of her.

Apologies, but I think you're being V.Unreasonable. My other half has a female friend who is his bestie at work, and they're in contact a lot outside of work aswell.
If you're truly comfortable with your relationship with DH and trust him, then it shouldn't be a problem. I know my OH loves me more than anything and would never cheat or be disloyal, we're best friends at the end of the day and it's because we really love each other that we want each other to be happy. You can't be your DH's only source of happiness, you both need to have good times together and apart.
This just sounds like it's your problem, not his. What's the point of being with someone if you're not happy with who they are. I don't share all the same hobbies or interests as my DH, but I'd never in a million years want to change those things about him, they make up who he is.
Perhaps try and think of these things in more of a positive frame of mind, it's great that he has a friend that he can share these things with, especially with his job being as high pressured as you said.
Sorry it's not going to be what you want to hear, but I really doubt that there's going to be many who agree with you xx

At the risk of identifying myself I had a "best man" rather than a maid of honour.
My husband works away from home and sometimes I go out while he is away. In fact sometimes I go out without him when he's home.
He has female colleagues - one of whom I refer to as his other wife.
I have had old male colleagues that I called by nicknames and who called me by a nickname.
I'm a cat person my husband isn't I told him when we got together that if we were going to have a future it would have small furry companions in it. He cried when my old girl was PtS and suggested we get a new kitten a few months later.
I don't understand his job or he mine.
I love him, I respect him despite all the things that aren't perfect about him - he's messy and plays computer games and dresses like my dad. And if he ever asked me to give up any of my friends - male or female or ditch my hobbies I would laugh at him.

Be very careful OP - if you start punnishing your husband for being a cheat he might end up thinking that as he is alrrady doing the time he may as well do the crime (but it won't be with the female colleague as she probably feels like I do about my male friend - that it would be like shagging my brother.
Sort your head out OP or your marriage is doomed!

I think you're being given a bit of a hard time here tbh. Many women would feel a bit put out by this relationship and I don't think it sounds 'entirely' innocent if there are pet names and xxx's however you also sound a bit insecure about the strength of your relationship as well, so you're probably struggling to make a rational assessment.

I think the problems in your relationship probably boil down to you not liking cats. Only people who are cold with a deep hole where the soul should be don't like these beautiful, loving creatures.

The nicknames (rather than pet names) don't appear to be romantic/sexual in nature and for all we know could be used by their other colleagues too.
I recently signed off a text to a male friend xxx it was a reply to a text saying his wife had just given birth. Does this mean I was coming on to him while his wife was recovering from labour? Does it heck, it means I am right chuffed for him, his lovely wife and their gorgeous little one.

I don't understand how people can be so absolute, either side regarding OP's case. OP, only you know the exact details and chemistry between the two and how much time your husband dedicates to you, if you make an effort to propose things for both of you to do or he doesn't do enough etc.

Maybe e.g. the way that his friends looks at him suggests more than would be acceptable and we haven't witnessed it so we can't help?

Is she naturally a warmer person than you, less formal, more expressive or more of an extrovert than you are consequently less affectionate to your husband than she is and you don't like it?

OP, do you feel that by talking to this friend he ignores you for long periods of time? Do you feel that he spends enough time with you after his interactions with her, other friends and all his hobbies? He does seem to spend a massive amount of time with her already because they work together, anyway, Do you both spend lots of time working and the little time that you have is not enough so you feel that he should limit his friendship or hobbies to something less? Does he often stop you from doing things together so he can do his other hobbies (which he is entitled to) leaving you to spend too much time by yourself?

You would expect people to reduce the time they spend with their friends or hobbies once they become couples by a reasonable to them amount as otherwise they wouldn't spend any time together. Don't you feel that he has done that?

Personally I seriously don't get the "if you go then I will definitely go", i.e. be away from his wife for 3 days so that he can meet with her in a seminar that otherwise he didn't consider it important enough to attend!

Lastly, we have all heard of men who spend hours playing computer games ignoring their wives/kids/chores. Is this the case OP or is it a harmless past time?

I'm a gamer a serious one, done it all my life. DH isn't we are not getting on but that's not the issue. I gamed for the entire 19 years of our relationship though there were times I couldn't so much due to dc.

There is an entire subculture that you either understand or you don't.

Proc that headshot
Damage mitigation
Rerolled loot
That ability stacks

Just some boring old gaming terms that unless you do it no one has a freaking clue what your talking about. That's why they chat. I have messaged 3 of my gaming buds this morning. One purely about gaming and the other two about my shit marriage and gaming.

Your jealousy levels are bad and to quote my Mother if men are going to be unfaithful they will and there is nothing you can do about it but by being jealous you drive them away anyway.

Honestly you need to calm down your jealousy will drive him away not some geeky gamer girl, gawd I hate that term. I took two male friends to a gaming convention in the summer I managed to not have sex with either of them.

OP I can understand why you're hassled by this friendship, your husband sounds like he's captivated by her and enjoying having his ego massaged by a 28 year old, very smart, attractive colleague who makes him feel special and vice versa, suspect she enjoys the attention.

Whilst it might be innocent and you could overlook it when it's confined to work, you're being asked to tolerate their friendship outside work. This would be ok if she was making an effort to get to know you too but instead she does the one thing which is bound to get someone's back up, she's being overly familiar with your husband in front of you when you don't have a long standing separate friendship to support that kind of familiarity.

In the circumstances, I can understand why you are not happy about the London trip and your husband's motivation being to spend more time with her:

"They are due to be away for work in London in a couple of months. It's not required that they go as it's a seminar type thing, but I found a message from him asking if she was going and saying that he'd go if she does!"

Am genuinely surprised so many people on this thread would be ok with that.

'There are lots of things we both like, it's just that this friend likes those things too and the other, weirder things.'

On what planet is liking computer games and comic books weird??!!