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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she right?

133 replies

coccolocco · 04/03/2017 13:21

My daughter has started with a new music teacher. She is a very able student and way beyond her expected level for her age. As someone who has never had music lessons before and understands very little about it i have always sat in on her lessons to keep up with what she is learning. My child turned 6 a few months ago.

On our first lesson with the new music teacher she said "Are you planning to stay?" I replied "yes" Then she looked a little funny (however could have been my interpretation. She then said "you can sit in my lounge while i teach your daughter." I then replied that i normally sit with my daughter in her lessons so i know what to 'teach' her at home. She then replied "well i wouldn't expect you to teach her" i then replied "i don't mean teach her, but just to go through what you've done in her lesson." She then said "i don't have any children who have their parents sit in on lessons." Then proceeded to lead me to her lounge, where i stayed (in her defence she left the lounge door open and the music room door open)

I am now wondering whether i should have been more assertive or she was right, i shouldn't be sitting in the lesson with my child?

OP posts:
BeyondThePage · 04/03/2017 14:05

Totally different here - piano teacher comes to our house and I always sit in. In the corner, mouth shut, teacher gets me to take down notes for progress - DD now 16 doing Grade 8 piano + theory getting distinctions all the way... DD14 playing at grade 6 - chooses not to do exams or theory work.

piano teacher "wishes all parents would invest time" in their kids musical education (I am not musical at all, but can motivate my kids)

thatdearoctopus · 04/03/2017 14:05

Oh joy!

PinguForPresident · 04/03/2017 14:06

Secondly it is my right as a parent to make sure i feel comfortable with who is teaching my child

So you sit in on every school lesson too?

Sweets101 · 04/03/2017 14:06

Oh! Fair enough @ThumbWitchesAbroad

Grin @FittonTower my first teacher was like that, lived in a massive house too. Loved her.

I didn't know it was so frowned upon. It makes sense to me if you don't know music yourself. DM used to try to help DD's but would end up encouraging mistakes that needed correcting so apart from the encouragement to practice which was fab, technically it was a bit of a hinderance at times.

Cornflakedog · 04/03/2017 14:08

Think you're getting a hard time here OP. I had lessons from 7 and my parents always sat in with me - didn't distract me, and they could see how I was doing (they were always amazed I'd appeared to have improved despite having done no practise Grin)

I realise now that was probably not the norm but certainly no problem to my learning and I think you should at least have the option while she settles in if that's what you and DD are both comfortable with.

Original poster
coccolocco · 04/03/2017 14:09

She was doing the suzuki method hence why this was not the norm to me and i was asking, thank you.
Perhaps i may sound 'controlling', i do think without starting a major upset on MN that cultural may play a big part too, western parents can be quite relaxed in their parenting style compared to asians.

Oh and to the poster who said i was dragged from the room, she had just opened the door when her first comment was "are you staying" i think a fews lessons of sitting in first would have been nice to see if she was any good at her job..just saying!

OP posts:
midcenturymodern · 04/03/2017 14:10

Mine sends an email outlying what should be practiced between lessons. It's up to the teacher if she wants parents in or out of the room, regardless of how normal or abnormal it is.

Somehowsomewhere · 04/03/2017 14:11

Perhaps i may sound 'controlling', i do think without starting a major upset on MN that cultural may play a big part too, western parents can be quite relaxed in their parenting style compared to asians

Again, i don't think this is 'shocking' or will cause a 'major upset'. You're attaching too much importance to your issue.

FittonTower · 04/03/2017 14:12

She was an awesome teacher sweets and if she was especially drunk I'd get lots of chocolate for being really really good at piano! She lived in the middle of nowhere in a big house up a spooky drive. It was the stuff of very cautionary tales!

Original poster
coccolocco · 04/03/2017 14:13

somehow- it is important to me, it concerns me and my daughter.

OP posts:
RortyCrankle · 04/03/2017 14:14

YABU but not sure why you bothered asking since you don't think you are.

It is entirely the teacher's choice if you sit in or not, just as it's yours to find another teacher who will let you remain to enable you to 'monitor' your child's playing, although not sure how you actually 'monitor' when you can neither read nor play an instrument.

Original poster
coccolocco · 04/03/2017 14:15

also i don't interrupt the lessons even if they tell my child off. I sit quietly in the corner.

OP posts:
harrypotternerd · 04/03/2017 14:16

I am going to give you the perspective of being the child in this situation. I had many different lessons as a child and my mother insisted on sitting in on every single one. For the first few lessons I was happy about this because it allowed me to get to know the teacher with my mother close (I think I was 5 or 6 at the time) but after a few lessons I wished she would leave. There was one or two lessons she missed and ALL the teachers commented on the fact I had more confidence and was more focused at the times my mother was not there.
I understand where you are coming from OP. If my kids were starting with a new teacher I would sit in too but it sounds like from your post that you always sit in? not just for the first lesson or two?

C8H10N4O2 · 04/03/2017 14:18

fews lessons of sitting in first would have been nice to see if she was any good at her job..just saying!

If you are a complete non player how would you judge? You have presumably checked her qualifications, taken recommendations etc. If the child doesn't like or settle with a teacher that will be obvious without sitting in the lesson. The music teaching isn't something you can judge by sitting in on a couple of lessons.

Suzuki method is the exception in encouraging parents to stay in class but that was usually in the context of the parent learning alongside the child and I gather is a lot less common than it used to be. Additionally staying in the class is just one small component of a very specific method. If the teacher is not using Suzuki you should not expect to stay in the class. Interestingly my kids' peers who had used Suzuki had pretty much all abandoned it after the early learning stage and moved to conventional one to one teaching relationships. Not sure if that is the norm these days.

Original poster
coccolocco · 04/03/2017 14:19

Well Rorty let me answer your question.

Had posters delivered their responses politely i would have seen their views clearer. A simple "its not the norm" would have been a reasonable comment. However, I've been told: I'm controlling, relax a bit, your child is not as good as you say they are, helicopter parenting, how many teachers says a lot, etc. i now find the advice a little hard to stomach as the posters are obviously not very polite. So do i really want their advice? I think not now.

OP posts:
BeyondThePage · 04/03/2017 14:19

Don't need to be able to read or play in order to motivate a child to practise and tell whether they are improving.

But totally agree, it is up to the teacher if you stay in or not, we have a teacher who positively encourages it, we have not had any others (in the full 7 years our girls have been doing piano/music theory) - so did not know any different.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/03/2017 14:20

I am not a music teacher but since taking up the piano again I often visit the ABRSM forum and do sometimes have a nose on the teachers' threads.

Most of them seem to dislike having parents sit in. They mostly seem to find lessons go better, both for themselves and the pupils, if parents are out of the way.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2017 14:20

My friend is a music teacher and he insists that a parent stays in the room when he is teaching, he says that its to protect himself as much as to allow the parent to keep up with whats going on. I would wonder why she was so anti you being there, as I really dont see what difference it makes.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2017 14:21

Thats not to say I think she would abuse your child btw, just wondering what her problem is!

Original poster
coccolocco · 04/03/2017 14:21

OMG how many times, she was switching from the suzuki method (where you are suppose to stay with the child) to the conventional method. Secondly, after 4 years of music lessons and sitting in with her i'm not a complete dunce at music now.

OP posts:
BeBeatrix · 04/03/2017 14:21

I'm a music teacher.

I'd rather parents weren't in the room for lessons, but always encourage parents of younger children to stay for the first lesson, so that the parent feels comfortable with me before leaving a child alone with me.

If they want to sit in on lessons long term, I can't imagine stopping them! In fact, only one parent does. It's not particularly helpful, since they tend to interfere by correcting their child as they play, when I'd rather they got to the end of the piece, or had a chance to work out what they're doing wrong.

But I wouldn't be so strict as to say no, and certainly not for a first lesson. If it were my little child spending half an hour with a stranger, I'd want to see how they interact before leaving them alone, even when they are DBS checked.

Original poster
coccolocco · 04/03/2017 14:22

Thankyou, i did think it "what are you hiding." lol

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 04/03/2017 14:24

I suggest you get lessons and learn to play and read music for yourself, OP. That may help somewhat, with the excess energy and boredom if nothing else.

sameoldscene · 04/03/2017 14:24

My piano teacher enjoyed a cup of tea and two rich teas.
She tried to teach me very complicated pieces.
My Dad preferred me to practice green onions
I don't play anymore...
Oh, but we were left alone.
My Mum smoked a cigarette &I read the newspaper.
1980

NotTheMrMenAgain · 04/03/2017 14:25

My DD has had various music lessons since the age of 6. It's not normal to sit in the lesson room unless it's the very first lesson. I don't sit in the room. I've never seen another parent try to elbow their way into the lesson room. Parents wait in the waiting area or go to the on-site cafe.

I'm paying the tutors to give my DD 100 per cent of their attention, and I expect her to concentrate fully on what she's being told. My presence is only going to disrupt the balance of the tutor/pupil relationship and cramp my DD's learning style. I'm not paying to learn the instruments by osmosis!

So, the tutor is correct, it's not normal to sit there like a spare part.