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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she right?

133 replies

coccolocco · 04/03/2017 13:21

My daughter has started with a new music teacher. She is a very able student and way beyond her expected level for her age. As someone who has never had music lessons before and understands very little about it i have always sat in on her lessons to keep up with what she is learning. My child turned 6 a few months ago.

On our first lesson with the new music teacher she said "Are you planning to stay?" I replied "yes" Then she looked a little funny (however could have been my interpretation. She then said "you can sit in my lounge while i teach your daughter." I then replied that i normally sit with my daughter in her lessons so i know what to 'teach' her at home. She then replied "well i wouldn't expect you to teach her" i then replied "i don't mean teach her, but just to go through what you've done in her lesson." She then said "i don't have any children who have their parents sit in on lessons." Then proceeded to lead me to her lounge, where i stayed (in her defence she left the lounge door open and the music room door open)

I am now wondering whether i should have been more assertive or she was right, i shouldn't be sitting in the lesson with my child?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 04/03/2017 13:46

Yes that is very suffocating and YABU.

Presumably the teacher writes down in a notebook what the homework is.

Somehowsomewhere · 04/03/2017 13:47

It may shock you to know that!
I don't think most people are that easily shocked TBH Wink.
It's certainly the norm for parents to drop and go in my experience.

allchattedout · 04/03/2017 13:48

You need to chill out to be honest. You say yourself that you can't read music, so you are adding nothing to the lesson by staying there. The teacher can write down on a piece of paper what she wants your DD to do for next week. I doubt she is advanced just because you stay in her lessons.

As for the CRB comments, do you have genuine concerns? Otherwise, that's quite a nasty thing to imply, that your DD might come to some harm just because the lesson is in the teacher's house. If you have concerns, don't send her.

If she has her mummy sitting in, she won't develop the confidence she needs. I would also back off generally with her activities- it's your DD who is the musician, not you. It's always cringey when parents are over-invested in their DC's activities.

Funnyface1 · 04/03/2017 13:48

I think you should absolutely have the option of staying and I certainly would if it were me. If you want to sit quietly she should have no problems with that. Either insist or find another teacher. I would be finding another teacher.

Sweets101 · 04/03/2017 13:50

Actively being involved in music practice is no more 'helicopter parenting' then hearing them read or supervising homework.

allchattedout · 04/03/2017 13:50

Furthermore, some posters may think that 6 is the start of music learning but there are children out there who have been playing since they were 3/4 years old! It may shock you to know that!

Oh wow, yeah I am massively shocked. You should have put a warning at the start of your post- I was not expecting a bombshell like that.

Albadross · 04/03/2017 13:51

As a private violin/singing tutor anytime I had parents in the kids were just looking at them the entire time and not actually engaging, or the parent kept saying 'but our last teacher said...', which really wasn't helpful, so I wouldn't do it again personally either. I'm not saying you'd do that, but teachers just want to get on with the job and it's not the same as in a classroom setting with a group where there are others there anyway, it's a 1 to 1 focus that gets broken by a third person who's not also playing.

In 20 years of having lessons myself as a child I was always alone too. I will always write exactly what they should practice in a book clearly with pictures too, and since you won't know correct technique you could end up creating complications.

It's a great way for DCs to learn independence and have something for themselves that doesn't involve parents I think Smile but there's always the option of group teaching if that would feel better to you.

blackcherries · 04/03/2017 13:51

I had lessons since I was 7 and my mum never sat in. I was in a room with my teacher at the teacher's house and my mum was in the living room.

It would have affected my learning and performance to have my mum in there I think, adds an extra angle of pressure or just someone else to think about

ElspethFlashman · 04/03/2017 13:52

Sweets it is, cos it's the equivalent of a parent going down to the school and plonking her arse in the classroom.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/03/2017 13:53

Sweets - that was a very deliberately obtuse comment - the "helicoptering" was meant for the OP wanting to stay in the lesson, nothing to do with the helping at home Hmm

BackforGood · 04/03/2017 13:56

It may shock you to know that!

Nope - I've been on MN a long time. There is much that is far more shocking than people wanting to waste time giving their dc music lessons at 3yrs old Grin

thatdearoctopus · 04/03/2017 13:57

I would not have a parent sitting in on a tutored lesson. It's distracting and undermining. I've done personal tuition in maths/English before now (am a primary teacher) but never music, although I learnt myself to Grade 8 as a child.
I don't think the teacher was unreasonable in suggesting you leave. If she's not DBS checked and you don't trust her, then find another tutor. I don't see what herbeing an able student has to do with anything.

Crispbutty · 04/03/2017 13:57

I had piano lessons from the age of 5. My parents never sat in the lesson. They didn't even take me to them as my tutor was an elderly lady who lived a two minute walk down the road.

Albadross · 04/03/2017 13:57

Also music is different to other subjects because you have so many skills to develop simultaneously - the ear, the mechanical technique, the understanding of written music and then all the timing and general musicality. It's very cognitively taxing and you never know, she may do even better if you leave her to it.

Binglesplodge · 04/03/2017 13:58

I teach music - I currently only teach older children and adults but I have taught children your daughter's age and younger.

I know that the Suzuki system, for example, encourages parents to attend lessons in the early years and even to take part but you don't mention anything like that in your post so I'm assuming your daughter is having some sort of "conventional" music training.

I've always encouraged parents to visit the occasional lesson to get a feel for what we're doing but I must say it would be unusual and actively offputting to have a parent present regularly. Two reasons, really: they tend not to be able to resist getting involved, asking questions, coaxing the child "go on, have another go, you played it so nicely at home..." and generally interrupting the flow of the lesson; and secondly young children tend to behave very differently with their mum in the room. There's a lot of looking to mum for reassurance, whining that they can't do it, and clingy behaviour. I find they learn much better when they're in the zone. Kids like to compartmentalise and they work well when they've switched to lesson mode.

FittonTower · 04/03/2017 13:58

I started piano lessons at 5 and my parents always left me. And my piano teacher smoked like a chimney and was frequently drunk. Ah, the 80s! Was a simpler time....... (wistful look and a gentle cough of years of passive smoking)

DancingPenguin1 · 04/03/2017 13:59

Yes she's right, it's not normal or appropriate to stay

Albadross · 04/03/2017 14:00

Sweets it is - chances are the parent actually knows how to read and do homework.

Original poster
coccolocco · 04/03/2017 14:00

I actually don't think that a lot of people here posting have a very good delivery to be honest.

Firstly i am not 'suffocating' my child which is an extremely rude comment to make. It was her choice to play her instruments and i do encourage her hence why she plays them but i do not force her to play.

Secondly it is my right as a parent to make sure i feel comfortable with who is teaching my child (therefore my comment about CRB is absolutely valid to me)

Thirdly- I know my child is far above average in her music, i don''t need to justify it to anyone and her achievements and grade speaks for itself and no this is not a mummy who thinks her child is just brilliant at everything they do.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 04/03/2017 14:01

The advice to chill is good advice. A parent in the teaching space is both a distraction and interferes with forming a teaching relationship.

Mine also played from an early age, as I did and to a high level. I would never have sat in the lessons because that teacher/pupil relationship is essential to successful learning. When they were smaller I sat in the next room for a session or two until they were used to the teacher but that is all.

As a non player if you want to help your child the best thing you can do is facilitate this in the home with space and time and encouragement and maybe activities to foster the interest. If you try to repeat what the teacher is doing you and correct playing you will likely cause confusion just as if you were trying to correct a language you don't actually speak. Better still - ask the teacher how you can best help the child rather than trying to copy what she is doing.

ComeOnSpring · 04/03/2017 14:01

Its not normal for parents to sit in on any lessons.. you normally drop them off at lessons/activities. Its quite hard for the teacher to have the parent there as the child often behaves differently. It very similar to school, you couldn't make a case to sit in the classroom so you knew how to teach them maths/phonics... Learning music is the same..

Most music lessons are just with the music teacher. It does sound a bit awkward as it sounds like she tried to hint, and then had to practically drag you out the room.
You are asking for something different to standard IMO .. so I wouldn't get pushy, either you like the way she teaches or not. If not, then go somewhere else. As she has been quite clear that she wants to focus on the teaching.

PinguForPresident · 04/03/2017 14:01

You sound a bit controlling, OP. I've never expected to sit in on any music tuition my daughter has. I''m still perfectly capable of supervising her practice at home.

Perhaps you should specify to the next tutor that you expect to be able to be present for every lesson. Or perhaps you could trust them to be a capable and qualified professional?

Binglesplodge · 04/03/2017 14:02

A good teacher will provide clear practice instructions. Asking your daughter to explain to you what she's practising is good for her as explaining will help her consolidate her learning. I'm sure the teacher would rather answer the occasional clarification question from you about the practice than have you there for the whole lesson.

OhWellNeverMindEh · 04/03/2017 14:02

Sorry not read all replies but I would want to stay in the room for the first lesson too. She's only 6. It's not a big deal for you to stay, the music teacher should be more understanding.

blackcherries · 04/03/2017 14:05

YABU OP . I wouldn't change tutor because of this, it just seems like you have different expectations from the lessons. As I've said I would have found it difficult having my (perfectly lovely) mum in the lessons when I was a child. Sorry if you don't like my 'delivery' but you seem fairly intent on disagreeing with most other posters.

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