AIBU to think this girl is crackers

[glitterglitters]

There's lots of other back story here but in an effort to make things simple I'll try and keep it short.

I have a very limited support network, my mum died before I met my husband and I've always been offered support by my in laws who are separated.

When I was expecting dc 1 my mil said whatever I needed she was there etc.

Her partner's son got a gf who immediately got pregnant. She has a huge family nearby, as well as her partner's mum etc as well, however she decided that she only wanted mil's help and she constantly had drama, sickness, family drama, relationship drama, to the point that if I was with mil she would have to leave 9 out of 10 times to sort her out. At the time I was ok, coping etc.

Since we had our children she's treated my mil like a free babysitter, found out our important dates and booked babysitting specifically on those dates so we've not been able to go out. Fair enough etc. Mil ended up having to spend several Xmas dinners with their family because this girl threatened to stop letting them see the gc unless they went etc. So my dc hasn't spent Xmas with her own grandparents and my husband with his own mum.

This girl is a lot of health problems and was told, quite categorically, she will be putting herself in danger if she was to become pregnant again. Her partner has said he doesn't want any more kids. End of. She then posted on lots of groups about the best way to conceive etc and what can she get financially support wise if she left her partner etc. Said she would probably be moving in with his parents (?!) and now refers to my mil and her partner as mummy and daddy.

Made a joke that when we found out we were expecting dc# 2 that's if she got wind of it she'd get a call saying "oh I'm pregnant again". Went out of my way for her not to find out (blocked social media platforms, limited mutual friends who knew and gave mil and her partner instructions not to tell).

Lo and behold she found out and she's now pregnant. I've struggled a lot with this pregnancy and I've needed a lot of help, especially for my dc but once again I'm finding that this girls problems are outweighing any issues I'm having and despite my husband having word with his mum, the severity and drama of this other girl is meaning I kept being left in the lurch.

I know the sensible option is to basically not rely on or expect from my mil at all, but I haven't got anybody else I can lean on. My dad is elderly and infirm. My husband has to work a lot and my fil does more than enough.

I feel so childish but it's really getting to me that this girl is this huge support network, she's always out with friends, big family occasions etc and even though she knows the situation she seems to do it out of spite and attention. Mil is behaving a bit stupidly but she's a good person and if you were faced with "I've not slept all night as dc has been up. I feel horrendous and won't stop being sick" and "I'm having a miscarriage" you'll obviously go to the second one's aid even if it's a boy crying wolf situation.

I'd take a step back, personally. It clearly upsets you when she cancels and you're being drawn into this other woman's drama. I'm pretty sure you don't need this shit while pregnant.
Don't phone, don't pop round and don't ask for anything. Be lovely and gracious if she manages to spend time with you but don't chase it. I'm sure you've had a good vent by posting here (even if you did get some not very helpful replies). Your MIL is choosing to favour a step DIL over her actual DSs wife. That's on her.
It's not easy just to go out and make friends......even once your DC go to nursery/school etc so you need to find other avenues to vent/bitch/moan. If not in RL then theres always someone here to listen. Xx

Glitter, I don't think YABU.

My MIL was a huge support to me until she died, even though my mum was around too. And it must be really hard not to have anyone in that role.

I don't know why people are giving you such a hard time about wanting to go for a coffee and a chat with her? (Wouldn't most MILs love that kind of relationship?) And can't you be friends with your MIL as well as your own friends?

I can kind of understand how you feel because my DH's dad has always prioritised his wife's daughter's children over our children - his own flesh and blood and it does upset me. And DH. If it was my parent doing that we'd end up falling out.

No real advice other than not to get involved in the petty games. But does sound like your MIL needs to get a backbone. And the other woman does sound nuts.

I haven't been able to read all the replies and I never comment on these threads, but I wanted to say I think people are being very harsh to you. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to have your mil as support. Going for coffee and shopping doesn't sound ridiculous. It's about you wanting to feel a bit looked after too as everyone does at some time. And with friends it's sometimes harder to ask for help as it's not their children, but with mil it is her grandchild, so I totally see why you want this and the girl does sound like she's got problems trying to compete with you. I'm not sure what your solution is, but no, yanbu

Sounds like you miss your mum and the friend that is your MIL, and you are pregnant which makes everything feel worse. Horrid situation. Your MIL sounds like she's being manipulated and maybe doesn't realise how sad you feel. Bug hugs.

Well ideally your MIL needs to be a bit firmer with her and say "no I can't come over I've already got something arranged but I can see you tomorrow". That sort of thing.

Yes she may threaten xyz but she sounds like a drama llama and doubt she would go through with it.

I always find these discussions baffling. We have no family nearby. The closest is 80 years old in Scotland. We live in London and over the years we have built a network of friends to support each other. I take turns with close friends to watch kids for nights out. I didn't get a coffee out until my kids were in school or a quick coffee at weekends, but we had 3 kids under 3 with health issues.

My suggestion is to build your life around your family and not the extended family. Don't have expectations and be happy when they are around. Your MIL has to make her own path. Though my kids do not see our respective families often (once a year if lucky), they have a good relationship. We call them once a week (or skype when possible. Basically, change your perspective and things will be easier.

To me you seem a bit demanding yourself also, infact it's crazy your both battling over your mil.

There's no pleasing the mumsnet MILs. You're horrid if you don't want to spend time with them, but apparently it's also crazy if you do want to spend time with them.

Living far apart from family is different to living close. Obviously.

If family is nearby it's nice to want a close relationship with them.

It's nice to have friends sure but that isn't what the OP is about. This is about a nearby MIL who apparently wants a good/close relationship but is being railroaded by the other woman.

I don't agree the MIL has a martyr complex. I think she probably wants to fulfil family obligations as much as possible and is someone who prioritises by how much she feels she is needed, rather than what she wants to do. Unfortunately people who don't put themselves first can struggle to forge friendships on equal terms because they spend so much time giving to 'takers'.

Am I being unreasonable?
We live next door to my DH mother. My SIL has one DS who is 5 and lives around an hours drive away. She works full time.
I am a stay at home mum with 3 DC, 8yr, 12yr and 13yr. My DH works away and is home every 2nd week.
I try and arrange things to do with my DC when they are off school at weekends. My SIL turns up to see her mum most weekends as her DH works away too. My issue is that I always end up with SIL DS. I understand that he is not going to want to stay at nans house when his cousins are next door. I have no problem at all on having SIL DS if it was not so frequent and she were to phone and let me know she is coming and if it were convenient, or that I don't have anything arranged ( I can then plan accordingly). On numerous occasions I have had to cancel or change what I have planned because she has just turned up. When this was mentioned to her she became very off and said she was coming to see her mum and could come when she liked without an invite!
It has got to the stage that when I see her car pull into the drive I have to quickly gather up my 3 DC and go out for the day.
This also happens whenever SIL DS is on school holidays only it's not just a weekend I have him, it's until the school goes back. She drops DS at her mums and heads back home, I have him then until she decides to come back for him ( which I never know when that is, it could be a week or 10 days)
I have asked my DH to have a word with her but he doesn't want to rock the boat as they had a big fall out around 3 yrs ago over the same issue.

mummyhappiness - again, you should start your own thread. To do that, you need to go to the top of this thread to where it says "Topics>> AIBU?" and just below that is a clickable link that says "Start new thread in this topic". Click on that. Start your own thread so that people can answer you as the OP - those of us who have set our preferences up have the OP's posts highlighted in a colour of our choice so we can see when the OP posts.
If you want answers on someone else's thread, it will be much harder for people to find your posts, and to be frank, most people won't bother - so better to start your own :)

Op you are not being unfair! if she does it for one she should do it for another! Have you thought that perhaps your MIL enjoys the two of you competing for her attention? My own mother is like this. Brother and his wife,neither of whom work for whatever reason , are always dumping their two children on her.When you say anything to her shell say oh ,but they need time to themselves! Dont we all?!!The boys are out at school all day; they are9 and 13 do they really need extra time together when they have all day? Anyway ,whenever i try to take my daughter round to see nanny its oh but so and sos coming round! Then shell complain she never sees us.Do what i did,tell her the problem and leave it to her to decide.Oh and make your own support network,that way your playing nobodys game but your own! Good luck.