AIBU to think this girl is crackers

[glitterglitters]

There's lots of other back story here but in an effort to make things simple I'll try and keep it short.

I have a very limited support network, my mum died before I met my husband and I've always been offered support by my in laws who are separated.

When I was expecting dc 1 my mil said whatever I needed she was there etc.

Her partner's son got a gf who immediately got pregnant. She has a huge family nearby, as well as her partner's mum etc as well, however she decided that she only wanted mil's help and she constantly had drama, sickness, family drama, relationship drama, to the point that if I was with mil she would have to leave 9 out of 10 times to sort her out. At the time I was ok, coping etc.

Since we had our children she's treated my mil like a free babysitter, found out our important dates and booked babysitting specifically on those dates so we've not been able to go out. Fair enough etc. Mil ended up having to spend several Xmas dinners with their family because this girl threatened to stop letting them see the gc unless they went etc. So my dc hasn't spent Xmas with her own grandparents and my husband with his own mum.

This girl is a lot of health problems and was told, quite categorically, she will be putting herself in danger if she was to become pregnant again. Her partner has said he doesn't want any more kids. End of. She then posted on lots of groups about the best way to conceive etc and what can she get financially support wise if she left her partner etc. Said she would probably be moving in with his parents (?!) and now refers to my mil and her partner as mummy and daddy.

Made a joke that when we found out we were expecting dc# 2 that's if she got wind of it she'd get a call saying "oh I'm pregnant again". Went out of my way for her not to find out (blocked social media platforms, limited mutual friends who knew and gave mil and her partner instructions not to tell).

Lo and behold she found out and she's now pregnant. I've struggled a lot with this pregnancy and I've needed a lot of help, especially for my dc but once again I'm finding that this girls problems are outweighing any issues I'm having and despite my husband having word with his mum, the severity and drama of this other girl is meaning I kept being left in the lurch.

I know the sensible option is to basically not rely on or expect from my mil at all, but I haven't got anybody else I can lean on. My dad is elderly and infirm. My husband has to work a lot and my fil does more than enough.

I feel so childish but it's really getting to me that this girl is this huge support network, she's always out with friends, big family occasions etc and even though she knows the situation she seems to do it out of spite and attention. Mil is behaving a bit stupidly but she's a good person and if you were faced with "I've not slept all night as dc has been up. I feel horrendous and won't stop being sick" and "I'm having a miscarriage" you'll obviously go to the second one's aid even if it's a boy crying wolf situation.

I agree she has to manage her expectations, but I do not agree that OP should became the emotional support to her MIL when her MIL gives her back so little in return, especially now when OP is soon to give birth and will have even less capacity to do so. She needs to put herself and her family first now, MIL is making her own choices. I guess we will have to agree to differ on this one.

OP, I don't think you're going to get the response you need on here - too many people pitching in determined to accuse you of being bitchy, wordy, needy and now unfit to have a second child.

Am so fed up with MN these days.

Op I can totally see why you would feel frustrated and hurt by the situation you've described but I think pps are right in saying you were hoping for mil to fill the gap where your own mum or siblings/friends would be.

You have no control over mil and this young woman. You are on the sideline watching this person seemingly manipulate and use MIL who, for whatever her own reasons, can't or won't change the status quo. You're not BU if you feel annoyed or second best or whatever in this situation but I think you need to mentally step back from it for your own sake. The relationship you would like to have with MIL isn't going to happen is it?

If you would like to develop a support/social network then look into ways of doing that in your area. Baby groups, clubs, MN local, whatever. It takes time but once you are a bit more removed from the MIL and crackers woman you'll be able to observe it with an eye roll and not be effected by it.

octopus Agree wholeheartedly. To the PP who said she will 'vomit' if she hears the word 'support' again - what exactly is Mumsnet for, then?

Glitter - that is rough, I feel for you. I also feel sorry for your MIL, not because of you in any way but because she is obviously under immense pressure to bow to this woman's every demand. And yet why? It's not her son, it's her de facto step son and his gf and their children that she's bending over backwards for - and this woman has her own family and own support network.

If the issue is that your MIL's partner won't get to see HIS GC, then he can bloody well sort her out. Except obviously that won't happen.

While I feel sorry for your MIL, she has pretty much brought this upon herself by kowtowing to the excessive demands anyway - so what she really needs to do is have a big chat with her partner about it and stop agreeing to everything.

I assume your MIL has been in the role of stepmother to her partner's son for many years - does his own mother figure in the equation anywhere or not? - so I can see why she feels that he's family too. But she has LET this get completely out of hand and she is really the only one who can choose to put a stop to it. :(

I agree with thatdearoctopus you sound reasonable to me. You've built a lovely relationship with your MIL and enjoy it for yourself as well as using it to ensure that your DC have a normal grandparent-grandchild relationship with your MIL. Whilst there is no obligation for your MIL to provide you with help it sounds like your MIL would like to do occasional babysitting for you and go for coffee etc. Helping out a bit with grand children seems quite normal to me. Most of my friends have parents who help out a bit and are generally supportive. You and your MIL are missing out because of the other woman and that is sad. It sounds very much deliberate on the woman's part. Unfortunately I think it is only by your MIL putting her foot down that this might be resolved - so you don't have any control and are stuck with it.

No i agree thatdearoctopus. I'm not quite sure what I was looking for, but mainly just a sounding board but (with the exception of the majority of commenters who have been very kind and lovely), there's certainly a few comments on here that have made me feel even worse from when I initially posted. I feel like I've had some crap comments for having feelings (!!!)

As a bit of extra background having a lot of trouble at the moment with my "friends" who are effectively ostracising me for my pregnancy. And as much as I'm trying to ignore it and "get better friends" I'm still really hurt and it's not as straight forward as "making new friends".

My husband just phoned me to say he's got to work late, so all the plans I had for our day are ruined and he has the car with the pushchair in it so I'm stuck at home.

Anybody I do know is with their families and busy. I don't even feel like I can call or text anybody, even my good friends because it'll just put shit they don't need on their plate.

I've spent the last few weeks going to groups and "putting myself out there", joined mummy apps to meet people and finding it harder than dating ever was. I really am trying. Whenever I speak to my husband he tell me I'll probably make friends when dc starts school 😞 so I'll just casually wait 4 years or whatever.

I'm just feeling a bit shit really, certainly exasperated by hormones and kind wishing I'd not even bothered.

Thumbwitchesabroad. Nope. He was an adult when they got together. He's almost 40. He has his own mum as well, as does she who lives opposite and is constantly mentioning that she'd love to see her daughter and gc more. That's what is so laughable 🙈

Also just had my mil on the phone to cancel coming to ours for lunch next week because they need to watch the gc because the girl has some tests at the hospital. I basically politely said to her I'm not rearranging it as I don't know what I've got coming up. She sounded a bit out but can't be arsed.

I wouldn't worry about calling your friends - I think most people are really glad if someone asks for a bit of help. It works both ways, you have someone to talk to and they feel good about themselves because they've been there for you. I agree that it's very flippant to merely suggest 'make some new friends' - I went to baby and toddler groups for four years, and while there were a couple of people I liked, I never met anyone who I became real friends with. It can be terribly isolating without any adult conversation all day, and even at the baby groups, people tend to just talk about their kids. I Remember being at one and asking a woman her name once and she replied "Wow, no ones ever asked me my name before - they only ever ask DD's"!

Thanks Ishouldhavebeenjinglejess. My husband just doesn't seem to get it. If I ever complain he says about how much he'd love to stay at home with dc all day. But when you try and go to the loo and they're screaming "mummy mummy mummy mummy" and you can't even have a cup of tea in peace, let alone get anymore sense out of them than the names of Teletubbies it's so demoralising.

I love what I do for work but it's a very solo undertaking and I've joined local freelance networks but they are mainly just people socialising at the pub on a Tuesday night. It's not something I can go and do as an employe either.

I just tried to call my friend but she was at the zoo with her family and my best mate isn't picking up. They'll be around Monday probably but hopefully I won't be in such a whingey mood then 🙈

It's hard really. I do just get on with it most of the time but some days it's harder than others x

Side note I love my child and I love being at home with her but I need just a bit more adult contact that doesn't involve some sort of awkward singing nursery rhymes or puppets.

I could be you.
I just leave themto it now, it got too upsetting and frustrating. Now I expect nothing I can't get hurt. Kids haven't see. Their gp since Christmas. It's sad but there's always 'needs' elsewhere and I don't want to add to that.

We have no support so I go on my own places with the kids, or as a couple we don't go out on our own. It's made us very tight. Hospital stuff is tricky but we just make it work as we don't have an alternative.
It's shit

YANBU - take the MiL factor out of it, would people be telling you to suck it up and support her if it was a flaky friend who constantly changed plans with you/cancelled last minute because another friend "needed her more"?

Occasionally doing it? Shit happens and I'd be fine with it. Nine out of ten meetups being fucked over? No way.

Also I've said that I don't want to change/make plans as she has a tendency to flake and I just get reassured that "oh no. It'll be fine! No. No. I'll switch my phone off". Then I get a call saying "x has rung up in hysterics.

I'd stop making plans - and if she argues, I'd point out that she said that last time, and it still happened and you can't risk it happening again as it ruins your plans and/or upsets your DC to be let down last minute.

It's like when I used to live abroad after splitting with my EX and he moved back to the UK for work. Every so often my Ex used to tell me that he had a long weekend from work/free time/Annual leave to use up etc so was going to fly out and see DD. I'd call the day or two before to check flight details/when or where to meet him/double check he was definitely coming this time and he'd promise till he was blue in the face that everything was on track and he'd be there. I stopped telling DD that he was coming because she used to get so excited about his visit and then at the last minute he'd call with the news that he'd been forced to work after all/forgotten plans/annual leave changed etc and I'd be the one with an inconsolable DD when I told her he wasn't coming after all.

If you don't want to just cut her off, I'd only make plans with MiL that can continue even if she flakes, and I'd tell her why. If she joins - great! DC can spend time with nanny at soft play - if she doesnt' turn up - so what? DC knows no different and still gets to enjoy soft play with mummy. If she can commit to coming to your house for coffee (not babysitting, just coming to see you), joining you on a walk in the park etc without flaking on you then you can keep extending the boundaries, but if she flakes on you then you scale back and make it clear that it's her behaviour that means she's losing out, not you.

I'd also try and talk to her - away from actually scheduling something or her flaking over it - to tell her that, going forward you can't trust her to keep her promise of plans and she needs to hearn that back. Yes you know she has a lot of other demands on her attention, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour towards you when you have made a committment - hether it's time, money or effort - it's still rude.

It also shows that you are not a priority to her and you do not want your DC growing up to think it's acceptable to just drop people, cancel plans last minute and not fulfil commitments unless there is a genuine emergency. Nor would I want my DC growing up to think they are less important than their step-cousins, because kids don't see the bigger picture, all they see is nanny repeatedly cancelling plans for a day out with them in order to spend time with her other grandchildren (whether or not they are biologically related is irrelevent) and their mum not standing up for them or putting a stop to it.

If you don't want to be a SAHM then why are you a SAHM?

Hire a childminder or find a nursery and do the work you love.

Incidentally, I met most of the mum friends I knew at that time, because of my child being at nursery.

I would have felt the same as a SAHM, that's why I didn't do it.

I really remember someone saying that about making friends at school - oh that's 4 years off but ok! No problem!

Have I missed where the OP said she didn't want to be a SAHM? [hmm}

Totally understand particularly your last post. I look back on my day as a sahp and we have wonderful mimentsz but your brain does get a bit fried from repeating the same things like counting their jumps or saying "yay" every time they do put a ball back in the ball pond. When DH gets home we have about 20 mins of functional conversation covering what we need to get done, things we need from the shops and how was your day but not real chit chat. I miss chit chat.

Re the semi SIL, she sounds like a drama llama but maybe there is more going on between her and her family than you know? It does sound manipulative and that MIL is a bit soft on her.

It's hard being your own emotional support. Most people do have family or friends to vent too or just hold your hand in the tough days. I'm in a similar situation to you but lucky that if I have a toddler meltdown day or DH pudding me off day I can whatsapp a friend or two just venting and they say that's shit etc.

I met friends through an NCT group. I understand you probably don't need the info the second time around. But it could be helpful in meeting people. Just a thought. Although you'd need a reliable babysitter, so someone other than mil.

Oh dear, well that's even more ridiculous and I have even more trouble working out just why in the name of fuck your MIL has to be the one at this woman's beck and call! What the hell is that all about?!

Either your MIL has a serious saviour/ martyr complex, or she's really fucking with you and pretending that she doesn't want to do all this stuff.

Your DH - ha, what a stupid yet typical response from someone who has no fucking clue.

And no, it's not that easy to "just find new friends" - I emigrated when DS1 was 20mo, and although we'd been to various activities in the UK prior to leaving, I didn't really bother myself too hard to get "mummy friends" because I knew we were leaving. When we got here though, I went to playgroups and other activities, and it was STILL fucking hard work! it was months before I could say I had even one actual friend, and a couple of years before that became a "social circle". Dh was worse than useless - had no friends himself (he'd always lived here) because he didn't feel the need to have any, still doesn't really have any now - so I had to do it all myself. Been here 7 years now and I still could only really call 4 people good friends, even though I know loads more to speak to. Bit fucking sad, that.

Anyway - my point is that it really ISN'T that easy to "just find other friends", as you've already realised. But you're not alone in that.

Have some and and get your DH to take some time off work, to give you even a couple of days rest, since his mother is off enjoying her self-imposed slavery on an unrelated person instead.

I had this too Op with my mil, i had moved to live with my exh in the area they were from. My sil and I had our babies days apart whereas i took pnd really badly my sil was well and working part time.
I asked her once to look after my ds as i was really ill and she told me to drop him off at her house which i wasn't even able to do.
Whereas she looked after her dd's daughter all the time while she was at work or looking a night out.
I got fed up with it all and moved back in with my dm back where i came from.
Mil visited for a few years the odd time but then stopped, why we will never know why as we were very good to her when she did visit.
Turned out she was visiting a local to us shopping venue frequently but couldn't/wouldn't make the 15 minutes extra time to see her dgc.
My 2 children don't think of her as their gm and call her by her first name.
Sadly they know she was never interested in them and only had time for her dd's dc.
Although they were very lucky in that they have very loving dgp's on my side..
I know how you feel exactly and it's very hurtful to your & your dc so don't be feeling bad about your own feelings

That sounds like my dh! He's quite happy with his lot and doesn't need anybody or any other friends. Trying to explain to someone so introverted is like trying to empty a bath with chopsticks.

• thatdearoctopus Have I missed where the OP said she didn't want to be a SAHM? [hmm}*

You saw the bit where she complained about being constantly on call and having no interaction, right?

And all the other bits where she can't shower, and her MIl or husband aren't there to look after her child and she has no friends etc.

Those are where she is saying she doesn't enjoy it. In fact, there has been absolutely no comment about how much she loves, or indeed even enjoys, being at home with them. The implication was also that her husband had no idea what he was talking about when he suggested he would love to do it.

If someone over the course of this kind of discussion can't find even one sentence of positivity about being a SAHM, it's hard not to conclude they really don't want to be. In fact, most SAHM, even when griping about it will tell you often how much they enjoy it but....

Those words are just not here.

And it very much seems that every person in OH's life is useless and lets her down. If I were in that situation where I had no-one I could rely on at all, I'd be wondering why and what I could do to change my life so it happens.

I'm the worst person ever at making friends, but even I've managed it through having children.

I do love being at home most of the time though. It definitely has its moments but I would hate for someone else to get to spend more time with my child than me. I'm sat on the sofa cuddling right now and wouldn't swap it for anything really but it's hard sometimes and it can be very lonely. Thus the thread.

But this thread is about the times when she needs support. Why would she be going on about the good times?