AIBU to think this girl is crackers

[glitterglitters]

There's lots of other back story here but in an effort to make things simple I'll try and keep it short.

I have a very limited support network, my mum died before I met my husband and I've always been offered support by my in laws who are separated.

When I was expecting dc 1 my mil said whatever I needed she was there etc.

Her partner's son got a gf who immediately got pregnant. She has a huge family nearby, as well as her partner's mum etc as well, however she decided that she only wanted mil's help and she constantly had drama, sickness, family drama, relationship drama, to the point that if I was with mil she would have to leave 9 out of 10 times to sort her out. At the time I was ok, coping etc.

Since we had our children she's treated my mil like a free babysitter, found out our important dates and booked babysitting specifically on those dates so we've not been able to go out. Fair enough etc. Mil ended up having to spend several Xmas dinners with their family because this girl threatened to stop letting them see the gc unless they went etc. So my dc hasn't spent Xmas with her own grandparents and my husband with his own mum.

This girl is a lot of health problems and was told, quite categorically, she will be putting herself in danger if she was to become pregnant again. Her partner has said he doesn't want any more kids. End of. She then posted on lots of groups about the best way to conceive etc and what can she get financially support wise if she left her partner etc. Said she would probably be moving in with his parents (?!) and now refers to my mil and her partner as mummy and daddy.

Made a joke that when we found out we were expecting dc# 2 that's if she got wind of it she'd get a call saying "oh I'm pregnant again". Went out of my way for her not to find out (blocked social media platforms, limited mutual friends who knew and gave mil and her partner instructions not to tell).

Lo and behold she found out and she's now pregnant. I've struggled a lot with this pregnancy and I've needed a lot of help, especially for my dc but once again I'm finding that this girls problems are outweighing any issues I'm having and despite my husband having word with his mum, the severity and drama of this other girl is meaning I kept being left in the lurch.

I know the sensible option is to basically not rely on or expect from my mil at all, but I haven't got anybody else I can lean on. My dad is elderly and infirm. My husband has to work a lot and my fil does more than enough.

I feel so childish but it's really getting to me that this girl is this huge support network, she's always out with friends, big family occasions etc and even though she knows the situation she seems to do it out of spite and attention. Mil is behaving a bit stupidly but she's a good person and if you were faced with "I've not slept all night as dc has been up. I feel horrendous and won't stop being sick" and "I'm having a miscarriage" you'll obviously go to the second one's aid even if it's a boy crying wolf situation.

I don't see how a couple of sentences on here having a whinge means she hates being a SAHM. Few of us actually enjoy not being able to pee in peace.
Why should she counter those gripes with a ridiculous and unnecessary list of the bits she loves just to satisfy people on here who are determined to have a go?
Ffs, the OP is understandably pissed off that her mil keeps blowing her out on arrangements they've made in favour of someone who appears to be deliberately attempting to sabotage things. She's come on here to ask if she is BU. I don't think she is. But since then we've had the whole "you're clearly inadequate" brigade piling in. Why do people feel the need to do this?

Been there a bit but not so bad. MIL used to cancel on me a lot in favour of overdramatic family members.

My advice is to start being honest with MIL about being upset with being let down. I used to say things like 'oh gosh that's a shame, I'm quite upset I won't get to see you. Still I hope you enjoy [blah]' I DONT mean being sarky or PA. Just getting over your awkwardness at saying how you feel and openly saying 'I am upset by this'. My MIL is so susceptible to other people's displays of emotion, if I'm not clear about my feelings she just assumes I'm fine, wasn't too bothered anyway etc.

Second, stop making plans in advance. If you have a free day Tuesday, tell her you might be free Tues or Weds and then ring her on Monday asking if she wants to meet up tomorrow. An appointment in the diary seems to have less emotional sway than remembering oh yes DIL phoned yesterday and sounded keen to see me I'd like to go. And also keeping it short notice means that it's less likely to be discovered by others.

I went through a period of only seeing MIL when I had the whole day free to wait on her availability because she couldn't make set times, something would always happen.

Things are much better now. I have been a support to her during times when the other family members have pulled away and got caught up in their own stuff. She sees my house as a nice break and a chat. Also, we had a chat a couple of years ago - which was mainly her talking and me making sympathetic noises - during which she came to the realisation that she was providing support to tons of people some of whom were giving her nothing back. I didn't jump in to twist the knife, just said ah well you're always welcome here for a chat and to escape if you need it. Since then she values me more as a friend I think.

It ultimately depends how much you see her as a potential friend. If there's a friendship to be grown there you'll get there with time.

I've seen this before. I'm not surprised you feel hurt - the 'girl' is dominating, and yes, it is a competition - she wants to be No.1 daughter/female/mother with the grandkids. She wants all the attention. She is, yes, deliberately fighting with you, whether you want to fight or not.

I spent years watching a similar situation unfold. I started out being kind and reasonable and thinking 'surely not?' and wondering why I felt a bit uncomfortable with it and a bit hurt. Over years I've accepted that actually, yes, someone did have a problem, and they were making waves, and that's why it felt bad. Some just want to be the No.1 daughter in law, and will do anything to get there and keep it. They will literally push you out of the way.

Ok, so that's the easy bit: yes, the girl is a pain, and is competitive with you.

As for what you actually need and can expect from your MIL. Well, firstly you are in the most vulnerable position, because you don't have your own mum here. I'm really sorry for that, and it does make you more dependent, of course it does. You have nobody to do those nice things with like the trips for coffee and looking at kids' clothes, etc. - I totally understand that, and I imagine your MIL does too, as she sounds a sweetheart. (She's just pulled in too many directions. And you're the least demanding. She probably likes you best, if that's any consolation!)

I think maybe take a different tack. Try to think about how demanding and actually un-loveable the girl is. Step back. You don't need to compete with her. Just quietly one time fix a few dates with your MIL, write them in the calendar and see if your MIL is able to honour them if the girl gets in the way and tries to take over. And also detach a bit emotionally from all of this - part of your upset is the frustration and sense of injustice and how you're being deliberately shoved out - yes - you're right - that is happening, and you're right to be cross about it - but you can't change the girl, so just step back and let her get on with being a pain.

Try to carve out a few times and moments with the MIL, even if just short and not very often, but do that planning with her, and hopefully you will be able to get that bit of time with her.

And also, although this may be a hard one - try to reduce the importance you put on 'having' the MIL for the children and you. That will only upset you. Try to be graciously independent, but just focus on getting a few dates sorted.

I'm sorry because the best I can really offer is solidarity - I've seen something very similar, and it is very annoying. But at the mo I still have my mum, so I wasn't so dependent on the MIL. And it's far far worse for you.

The only thing really that works is to stop wanting, and then it won't matter - but that's quite a hard one.

I'm sure your MIL appreciates you, even though her time is monopolised by others. Even if you just get a cup of tea at her house sometimes, that's still something.

I'm sorry OP but you sound bitter and jealous. I feel sorry for mil being pulled in different directions.

Instead of being jealous look at what you do have....dh....and count your blessings. He should provide your emotional support.

It may be a hard pill to swallow but perhaps mil just likes this womans company?

Willyou, I so totally disagree with you. The MIL is not poor. The MIL cancels on the OP all the time for which MIL is responsible, nobody else, frankly.

I don't feel sorry for MIL, she needs to get a backbone instead of being blatantly manipulated by this woman. I don't think the OP has ever come across as sounding jealous - just confused as to how valid her expectations of this relationship are. Very easy to judge someone who might like a maternal figure in their life if you haven't lost your own mother.

Everything Wingsofdesire said (except I couldn't have said it myself). These situations do exist, and women can be very competitive in the inter/intra-family environment. OP, don't let the negative comments on here get to you too much (someone referred to them hilariously as the 'you are clearly inadequate' brigade...). Yes, life would be so much easier if you were as emotionally amazing and totally mature and in control as some people on MN profess to be, but meanwhile back in real life you have a bollocks situation to deal with. I personally would massively persevere with your MIL as she sounds like a good person and you like her - just be really tactical about it, and either arrange things on the QT or just do things in a less planned fashion so that you're not on the receiving end of hurtful cancellation scenarios. You can't do anything about this other woman so just don't engage, ridiculously hard as that will obviously be.

I have to agree that there is probably a point to letting your MIL know how disappointed you are when she cancels on you AGAIN for the umpteenth time.
Otherwise, how is she going to know that you're upset? If you just brush if off lightly every time (understandable, don't want to put pressure on her, don't want to add to her woes, don't want to make her feel bad etc.) then she's going to keep doing it because she thinks you're ok with it.

So you do need to have a chat with her and tell her that actually, you're NOT ok with it and while you don't want to put added pressure on her, you would really like it if she would try to make more of your planned dates, because it's quite hurtful to be always put second.

She might not actually have realised this, with you being gracious and reticent all the time.

But don't make a big song and dance about it, just say it once, and then it's done. If she carries on doing what she's doing, fair enough, you've laid your cards out and she's still treating the stepDIL preferentially - you know where her priorities are, you know how the land lies, disengage.

But if you want things to change, then you have to take steps to bring the change about - and this seems like a reasonable step to take.

YANBU

I have zero sympathy for MIL. She is not "poor MIL", she is CHOOSING to have a martyr complex. She is CHOOSING to toss the OP aside in favour of someone who obviously has some sort of agenda. Who knows whether that's jealousy, insecurity, or just being a complete bitch.

I bet MIL loves this competition for her time between the two of you; it makes her feel important to want to be needed.

I'd give MIL one more chance, and when (not if, as it'll definitely happen), she cancels in favour of the other girl, I'd say to her, "so you're happy to cancel on me yet again for no good reason, and let your grandchild down yet again? DC gets upset each time you make a promise to see her/him and then don't follow through. Just let me get DC on the phone and you can explain to DC yourself why you're not coming over this time". Put her on the spot and call her on her shit.

After that, 'd drop the rope. Stop making plans with her, and when she asks why she hasn't see you/DGC for a while be honest. Tell her that there's no point in making plans with her as you know she'll toss you aside for (name of girl) as soon as she clicks her fingers.

I dont feel sorry for the MIL at all. She's a grown woman who's quite clearly capable of saying no, she does cancel on the OP all the time and say no to the OP after all. If she can say no to the OP she can say no to demanding DIL. She just chooses not to. I have very little time for people that choose the martyr complex to try and justify their behaviour. This isn't a one off let down, this is consistently letting someone down. No one made the MIL do anything. She chose to let OP down, for the umpteenth time. Why couldn't MIL have said, got to take demanding woman to hospital appointment at 10 so won't be able to meet you at 11 but I'll meet you at 1pm?

Anyone would be upset over that, not bitter. It's not just the OP being let down here, it's the OPs DCs too.

The reality is, in many cases, that it is too difficult to say No, so the MIL ends up over committing herself.

Let's not turn this into another MIL bashing thread. Sounds like she's caught between a rock and a hard place.

But it's not too difficult for MIL to say no is it? She says no to the OP.

No one is bashing the MIL. Just rightly pointing out she's a grown woman who has the choice in who she says no/lets down. No one is holding a gun to her head and making her do more for demanding DIL.

I have a wonderful MIL. I just disagree that she's stuck between a rock and a hard place. She really isn't.
OPs children will be all grown up one day and will remember this themselves.

The MIL is doing all of it altruistically! She isn't a paid career. She could turn her back on everything. Instead she is given "no sympathy" on here (direct quote) like she's the bad person.

The OP, MIL and their partners need to ensure that their plans to meet up don't reach the other woman as she can't ruin plans she doesn't know about. But that means everyone acknowledging that there is a problem.

In response to a few earlier posters, I don't see this as yet another MIL bashing thread. It's virtually irrelevant in this case that involves a MIL.

It could be the OP's own mother, sister, father, brother, SIL or best friend and the result would be the same - they're treating the OP like shit. Making plans with one person (OP) and then continually cancelling them to appease one other person (SIL) is a crappy thing to do no matter who does it.

MIL is obviously quite capable of saying 'no' as she says it to the OP all the time. She's not "torn" between two people, she's CHOOSING to act this horrible way.

OP, if you want to try and have a relationship with MIL then start pushing back. Take control. Call her out every single time she pulls her martyr shit. But for me personally, it wouldn't be worth the effort. If anyone treated me as badly as MIL has been treating you, I'd just walk away. She wouldn't be worth my time.

She then posted on lots of groups about the best way to conceive etc and what can she get financially support wise if she left her partner etc.

How do you know this? If she was posting so publically about leaving her partner wouldn't be have got wind of it?

Sounds like she may be jealous and overcompansating. Explain to mil that some one to one time would be good. I am raising my two after losing both parents, no local friends to speak of, dh with long hours of and no inlaws, it can be tough but it's dooable.

It's annoying. But the easiest way is just to stop relying on your mil and stop involving yourself with this demanding person as she does sound a bit of a pain in the neck. Yes it is unfair that she gets more help than you but there is no point in being jealous. A lot of people don't have any family to rely on for suppport and childcare. They just have to make their own arrangements with friends or pay a babysitter.

It sounds like a really miserable situation, OP. This young woman does appear to be setting herself up in competition with you for time and energy from your MiL, and you seem to be emotionally invested in your MiL as a parent figure for yourself. The fact you lost your own mum must really be hard for you, not simply the need for support with the children, but also someone to parent you (you appear to be in the position of parenting your dad due to his health). I am in no way diminishing the impact of feeling yourself to be alone and needing practical help with small children, but you do seem embroiled in almost a sibling rivalry with this younger woman. I suspect were this merely about feeling supported, the friendship of more women your own age would do it (and there has been some good advice on that on this thread already). I would also suggest playing the same game as the younger woman will just leave you exhausted and even more distressed. I know it can feel like a 'catch all' but I wonder if you have considered some counselling for yourself around the loss of your mum? Your dad also seems to be still struggling with the loss too, which must leave you feeling very alone with your own emotions.

Well, with two incomes, can you afford to buy childcare to cover your requirments? and keep your relationship with your mother-in-law and her partner to a strictly social, familial one, uncomplicated by any expectations of her meeting care needs?

Cromwell1536 but they don't really get to see her socially either if you RTFT. She has cancelled on just normal visits with the GC with op present who miss her too.

I totally get it but I think you just have to accept that 'it is what is it'. There is absolutely nothing you can do so accept that she is extremely needy and that your MIL isn't able to be the MIL you want.

Accept and move on, maybe invite MIL over for Sunday dinner (assume she won't come) but just keep asking. Eventually she will realise and maybe start standing her ground, although I would assume nothing will change.

Best advice I've ever been given is that you can't change other people but you can change you.

I really feel for you - sounds like you're having a rubbish time and of course things are heightened when you are pregnant.

For what it's worth whilst I agree with some of the comments that you could look to build a support network from a group of friends and go from there, I also think it's lovely to have a friendship with your MIL and go for coffee/shopping etc without necessarily expecting anything in return.

I think your MIL from the sounds of things might relish a little escapism over coffee and cake and, although she is making the choice to rush to this other persons' every whim maybe a wee chat and a friendly ear is what you both need right now.

Friends and support networks come in all shapes and sizes.

Am I being unreasonable?
We live next door to my DH mother. My SIL has one DS who is 5 and lives around an hours drive away. She works full time.
I am a stay at home mum with 3 DC, 8yr, 12yr and 13yr. My DH works away and is home every 2nd week.
I try and arrange things to do with my DC when they are off school at weekends. My SIL turns up to see her mum most weekends as her DH works away too. My issue is that I always end up with SIL DS. I understand that he is not going to want to stay at nans house when his cousins are next door. I have no problem at all on having SIL DS if it was not so frequent and she were to phone and let me know she is coming and if it were convenient, or that I don't have anything arranged ( I can then plan accordingly). On numerous occasions I have had to cancel or change what I have planned because she has just turned up. When this was mentioned to her she became very off and said she was coming to see her mum and could come when she liked without an invite!

It has got to the stage that when I see her car pull into the drive I have to quickly gather up my 3 DC and go out for the day.
This also happens whenever SIL DS is on school holidays only it's not just a weekend I have him, it's until the school goes back. She drops DS at her mums and heads back home, I have him then until she decides to come back for him ( which I never know when that is, it could be a week or 10 days)
I have asked my DH to have a word with her but he doesn't want to rock the boat as they had a big fall out around 3 yrs ago over the same issue.

mummyhappiness I'd recommend starting a new thread so you can get feedback just for your issue rather than in between Ines for this thread x