AIBU to think this girl is crackers

[glitterglitters]

There's lots of other back story here but in an effort to make things simple I'll try and keep it short.

I have a very limited support network, my mum died before I met my husband and I've always been offered support by my in laws who are separated.

When I was expecting dc 1 my mil said whatever I needed she was there etc.

Her partner's son got a gf who immediately got pregnant. She has a huge family nearby, as well as her partner's mum etc as well, however she decided that she only wanted mil's help and she constantly had drama, sickness, family drama, relationship drama, to the point that if I was with mil she would have to leave 9 out of 10 times to sort her out. At the time I was ok, coping etc.

Since we had our children she's treated my mil like a free babysitter, found out our important dates and booked babysitting specifically on those dates so we've not been able to go out. Fair enough etc. Mil ended up having to spend several Xmas dinners with their family because this girl threatened to stop letting them see the gc unless they went etc. So my dc hasn't spent Xmas with her own grandparents and my husband with his own mum.

This girl is a lot of health problems and was told, quite categorically, she will be putting herself in danger if she was to become pregnant again. Her partner has said he doesn't want any more kids. End of. She then posted on lots of groups about the best way to conceive etc and what can she get financially support wise if she left her partner etc. Said she would probably be moving in with his parents (?!) and now refers to my mil and her partner as mummy and daddy.

Made a joke that when we found out we were expecting dc# 2 that's if she got wind of it she'd get a call saying "oh I'm pregnant again". Went out of my way for her not to find out (blocked social media platforms, limited mutual friends who knew and gave mil and her partner instructions not to tell).

Lo and behold she found out and she's now pregnant. I've struggled a lot with this pregnancy and I've needed a lot of help, especially for my dc but once again I'm finding that this girls problems are outweighing any issues I'm having and despite my husband having word with his mum, the severity and drama of this other girl is meaning I kept being left in the lurch.

I know the sensible option is to basically not rely on or expect from my mil at all, but I haven't got anybody else I can lean on. My dad is elderly and infirm. My husband has to work a lot and my fil does more than enough.

I feel so childish but it's really getting to me that this girl is this huge support network, she's always out with friends, big family occasions etc and even though she knows the situation she seems to do it out of spite and attention. Mil is behaving a bit stupidly but she's a good person and if you were faced with "I've not slept all night as dc has been up. I feel horrendous and won't stop being sick" and "I'm having a miscarriage" you'll obviously go to the second one's aid even if it's a boy crying wolf situation.

Have you told your mil that you don't want to make plans with her because she always lets you down?
It seems that your mil is being used by this woman but does she secretly like being the martyr?
I would tell your mil that while you are happy to see her whenever she likes the lack of respect she is showing you by constantly cancelling is getting old.

Why can't you get a shower unless MIL comes round??

OP. Are you aware of how you describe people?

Your language about your sister, your friends and Mil's partners DIL is quite judgmental and I'm wondering why that might be? I understand what it's like to have no family support, as I was orphaned as a child and am eternally grateful to my own MIL for her support. But. No one owes me any support.

My honest advice to you is to build your own networks. And instead of expecting MIL to support you, begin to support her. Invite her over for a meal but make it seem like a spur of the moment thing so that the plans don't get blown off course.

I am confused as to why you are having another baby. Your husband works 60+ hours. You run a business from home. You have no support network. A MIL who through emotional blackmail, has babysat for you once in 3 years. Nobody else to babysit for you very often.

It's going to be even harder now.

I can understand why you are upset, she is dreadful, but you can't do much about it and but you can't enter into a competition. Which means you are also being unfair on you MIL.

Ultimately you are responsible for making your own support network. My MIL lives miles away, I joined NCT, went to every playgroup/toddler group going did loads of stuff until I found a few friends who formed my support network. I think you are thinking of yourself as a victim in this, but really can solve it. Your DH is your choice, you didn't marry you MIL.

Your poor MIL needs to ultimately decide if she is going to be stronger and risk loosing her other grandchildren or suck it up. Either way her situation is way way worse in many ways as her whole life is being guided by others.

And add on the "You have to spend Christmas Day Dinner with my family so your own DS and his DC (OPs DH and DC) cannot spend the day with you and if you refuse you won't see my child " threats.
Not just once but several Christmas Dinners

Wow - that is blackmaily selfish behaviour on a whole new level

Why did you have another child if you cannot manage without your MIL's support, since you knew this was going to be the situation? Having a child is a personal decision, you should not expect other people to 'support' you through it. You MIL should be under no obligation to 'support' either of you, she sounds like the pair of you are taking over her life, poor woman! She is a person, not just a Grandmother.

And seriously - if your MIL calls her bluff is she going to turn around and say "Meh, I can cope , I don't need you" to her.
Very unlikely. She''d be cutting off her nose to spite her face and it wouldn't take long before she came whinging back.

Wow. Why am I having another child? I am able to cope thank you. And I am able to take maternity leave as well, so running my business will take a back seat in that time.

And it's tricky to describe things online. The written word lacks the nuance and tone of conversational English, so things not meant to sound judgemental, end up being inferred as such.

70 is right. I pointed out to my mum that dil wouldnt stop her from seeing the kids because she asks her every day. Even when she wanted to go to the supermarket.

If mum said 'no i can have the kids while you go food shopping', sils response would be 'well then can you go to the supermarket for me?'

There was no way sil would not have kept exoecting mum to do stuff for her.

"Have you told your mil that you don't want to make plans with her because she always lets you down?"

This

I understand where you are coming from, I was also friends with my MIL. And I have also been in the situation where a needy friend always used up all the support available in my support network, which gave me the rage.

But if you take the other woman out of the equation, what you have is a flakey MIL.

I were you, I would not go out of my way for any plans with MIL. If you are going to be in the house anyway and she says she is coming around, grand, just don't tell the children. I have flakely friends that I still love but who think nothing of cancelling at the last minute, so the only way to deal with them is like that.

madcat that's a bit unfair.

I had two children before I fell ill. I need support now. I didnt before.

The same could be asked of the sil too. Even though I still find it crass to do so.

OP isn't saying she's unable to cope. She's understandably frustrated that MIL drops everything and helps SIL but not her. She's already said she knows she's probably being a BU. Pg hormones do that. But nevertheless she's allowed to vent. It's only natural after all.

Thank you Awaywiththepixies

Also I've said that I don't want to change/make plans as she has a tendency to flake and I just get reassured that "oh no. It'll be fine! No. No. I'll switch my phone off". Then I get a call saying "x has rung up in hysterics.

It is worth pointing out dh hasn't got much of a relationship with his mum anyway.

YANBU, she is giving into pressure and drama for her step DIL, which to me is very unfair. And I'm not sure why she is because the kids r not even her Grandchildren. Just step right back and don't have any expectations whatsoever.
You need to create a group of friends who will grow in time to be your support network.

I think your missing the mother role from your life. Your looking to your MIL to provide the type of relationship that you may have been able to have with your own mum. When your pregnant I think that brings it into your mind even more. Your reminded again what you really need and what you're missing. I agree that you're not unreasonable to be upset but there is nothing really you can do about it without becoming embroiled in something that is massively disfunctional. If you need babysitting I know that when my dc were at nursery some of the girls there would take on babysitting outside nursery times. If you don't use a nursery perhaps as someone else said you need to try to cultivate some really good female friendships. Also I think you probably feel quite isolated because you're working from home. If you were in the workplace you would probably be able to get those conversations that you want with female colleagues. Have you thought about perhaps getting a job where you can have a couple of hours out of the house? Finally, talk to your MIL. You don't need to be confrontational just say that you, dh and dc would like to see her more.

In the mean time what you can do for DMiL is take the guilt off her from your side. Tell her you understand that she feels drawn to help the 'cant-coper'. Be her safe haven that she can come to when the stress of the 'cant-coper' is too much.

So the general view of this thread is that the OP should not rely on her MIL for emotional support even though she is having a hard time ATM, she needs to be self sufficient, find her own friends etc, yet apparently the same ca't be said of the MIL and she needs to be given emotional support by the OP even though she should not expect it in return? What kind of crazy bubble do people live in? In RL people do expect some sort of reciprocal arrangement when it comes to helping out families. Of course it works both ways.

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP as I had zero family support and 2 under 2 and at times I seethed with jealousy at people who had help seemingly at the click of a finger.

I also have ILs who talk the talk but don't walk the walk, and it was this disconnect that really was difficult to navigate.

Tbh I didn't entirely "get it" until they let me down badly one time. Then the penny dropped - I was THEIR support, not the other way around.

And I strongly suspect you are your MILs support, not the other way around. You have a Mum shaped hole in your life too, so welcome the company.

But in the kindest way, you have to wise up. She's not your Mum and she's a bit of a shit friend to you. I have a bit of sympathy for her too, but the lengths she is going to for this girl who is not even her daughter in law, are her own choice.

You cannot rely on her AT ALL. My life got a lot easier once I stopped expecting a damn thing from my ILs.

Stop believing she'll be over to help out. She won't. She'll flake at the last minute. And you can blame the other girl (who certainly has issues) till the cows come home but it's your MIL letting you down, not the other girl.

Stop making plans with her, stop telling her things, withdraw from being sucked in to listening about the toxic drama that your MIL totally enables.

Be pleasant and bland. And look into babysitters.

I think people are underestimating how unhinged manipulative some people can be. My Dad used to live in a lovely little coastal town miles away from anyone with his now ExGF. We lived 4hours drive away. His ExGF had two DDs. One lovely. The other she'd drop everything for. Even though the other one lived 2hours away and had a huge support network around her including the support from her DHs family and from her Mum and her friends.

We visited Dad as a suprise one year. His GFs DDs had been visiting the weekend previous and my Dad made a weekend of it. Took them out and spoilt them rotten. All was lovely and we went out for the day with my Dad and his GF. Walk around the beach. The shops. Just to have a lovely day with my 2 DCs, my Dad and his GF. We hadn't seen Dad in over a year. GFs daughter number 2 drove over the minute she found out. She drove the 2hours just so she didn't miss out on what was essentially meant to be a day out with my Dad. What should have been a nice quite day catching up just turned out to be completely awkward on every level and we ended up doing everything DD2 wanted instead. So I completely understand where you're coming from OP.

It's understandable that you're missing the Mother role too but I dont think you're being totally U to expect a bit of time from your MIL. You are her son's wife after all.
But you're clearly not going to get it so you're going to have to show her you don't need her, however bitchy that may sound to some, I would tell her what a pp said too though about making it clear she lets you down when you make plans. Try not to take it to heart too much, people just don't always think.

I think you're getting a hard time op. If all someone can comment on is your use of girls instead of woman that says it all. Here's someone who actually likes their mil and wants to spend to time with them and mumsnet still isn't happy lol. I don't think coffee and shopping is unusual lots of people do that with their mums, it's no different to enjoy it with your mil.

I think you're a bit stuck though. All you can do is ride through as best you can and wait for your mil to see and act for herself on the situation.

So the next time she cancels plans tell your mil that 'this is why I don't want to make plans with you'. If you want to prioritize 'her' go ahead but don't make plans with me in future. And back away. Don't expect anything from her, refuse to make plans with her.

DH doesn't have a relationship with his mum. You want to be her best friend, but are annoyed that his brother's GF is getting all the free childcare support, when presumably his brother actually has a relationship with his mum?

Not sure what exactly you think it is your children are missing out on, when MIL has already made it clear they aren't her priority. They are missing out and yet apparently she spends lots of time at your house complaining about her situation. If your business is in such a healthy state you can take maternity leave, then presumably you could also use a childminder.

You sound far too invested in what she is getting and you aren't. If there is a problem with your MIL being taken advantage of, it's her business, and your DH's. Presumably there is a reason he isn't close with her, and if he isn't concerned about it, I'm not sure why you would get involved. She isn't your surrogate mother, that's not her job.

My MIL favours nr 1 son. In fact, she was going to be looking after our girl in the Easter holidays but we are having to arrange everything around her looking after his cats whilst he has surgery. We can bitch and moan about it, or just see if her dates suit and if not find an alternative. It's her life and if that's her choice that's up to her. His brother rarely sees our girl, despite MIL pushing it. She maintains our girl is missing out on having her uncle in her life. Actually, he is missing out on having her in his life. MIL can be a bit of a sucker for running after lots of people because of social expectations. We can't ever rely on her for childcare. When she comes here and bitch about it, we listen and nod sympathetically, let her rant then move the conversation on. Not our circus, not our monkeys. We've said in the past she needs to step back. She chooses not to. No point in labouring the fact.

Build your own support network and find mum friends who don't want to cancel their plans with you at the last minute.

Originalfoogirl, it's not his brother. It's his mum's partner's son's girlfriend.

DH doesn't have a relationship with his mum.

original OP didnt say DH didnt have a relationship with his Mum. She said he didn't have much of one. Doesn't mean he doesn't have one at all. Maybe for the same reasons as the OP. He may also find her not someone to be able to be relied upon.

Eustace, no, the OP can't expect emotional support from her DMIL. She can wish for it, she can hope for it but the evidence is that it isn't going to happen. What she can do is change how she deals with the situation.

We have been there. We had DM lashing out at us because she felt she couldn't pull DB up on his behaviour (she admitted this some time later). Now she has little contact with him and doesn't expect much from him in terms of support.

All that OP can do is manage her own expectations. If she becomes someone DMIL comes to for support she may find that this actually helps herself.