AIBU to think this girl is crackers

[glitterglitters]

There's lots of other back story here but in an effort to make things simple I'll try and keep it short.

I have a very limited support network, my mum died before I met my husband and I've always been offered support by my in laws who are separated.

When I was expecting dc 1 my mil said whatever I needed she was there etc.

Her partner's son got a gf who immediately got pregnant. She has a huge family nearby, as well as her partner's mum etc as well, however she decided that she only wanted mil's help and she constantly had drama, sickness, family drama, relationship drama, to the point that if I was with mil she would have to leave 9 out of 10 times to sort her out. At the time I was ok, coping etc.

Since we had our children she's treated my mil like a free babysitter, found out our important dates and booked babysitting specifically on those dates so we've not been able to go out. Fair enough etc. Mil ended up having to spend several Xmas dinners with their family because this girl threatened to stop letting them see the gc unless they went etc. So my dc hasn't spent Xmas with her own grandparents and my husband with his own mum.

This girl is a lot of health problems and was told, quite categorically, she will be putting herself in danger if she was to become pregnant again. Her partner has said he doesn't want any more kids. End of. She then posted on lots of groups about the best way to conceive etc and what can she get financially support wise if she left her partner etc. Said she would probably be moving in with his parents (?!) and now refers to my mil and her partner as mummy and daddy.

Made a joke that when we found out we were expecting dc# 2 that's if she got wind of it she'd get a call saying "oh I'm pregnant again". Went out of my way for her not to find out (blocked social media platforms, limited mutual friends who knew and gave mil and her partner instructions not to tell).

Lo and behold she found out and she's now pregnant. I've struggled a lot with this pregnancy and I've needed a lot of help, especially for my dc but once again I'm finding that this girls problems are outweighing any issues I'm having and despite my husband having word with his mum, the severity and drama of this other girl is meaning I kept being left in the lurch.

I know the sensible option is to basically not rely on or expect from my mil at all, but I haven't got anybody else I can lean on. My dad is elderly and infirm. My husband has to work a lot and my fil does more than enough.

I feel so childish but it's really getting to me that this girl is this huge support network, she's always out with friends, big family occasions etc and even though she knows the situation she seems to do it out of spite and attention. Mil is behaving a bit stupidly but she's a good person and if you were faced with "I've not slept all night as dc has been up. I feel horrendous and won't stop being sick" and "I'm having a miscarriage" you'll obviously go to the second one's aid even if it's a boy crying wolf situation.

Thanks guys. I think, tbh, it's probably pregnancy hormones that are making me super sensitive. Normally I'm like fuck 'em, crack on etc but I'm a puddle of mess at the moment.

I've been super sick this time round and was told just to ring her if I needed a hand. No matter what etc.

I had a horrendous day yesterday, really ill, hysterical tears from me, toddler tantrums galore, husband working late and my mil had planned to come over to give me a hand.

I thought brilliant, might get a break just to have a shower. But she had to cancel because she needed to run the other lady up for a doctor's appointment, she had forgotten about and she won't use public transport. Then the other lady cried as mil went to leave, and had something else happen etc and she never made it to our house in the end. It just left me feeling a bit deflated really.

showme I respect your opinion, but please don't be "professionally offended". Feral is a term used for someone whose behaviour is wild and out of control. It may sound worse but it does accurately describe her, more's the pity.

Whereas "girl" is inaccurate when the likelihood is she is not a girl (even though the OP doesn't give her age).

Get yourself a babysitter. We don't have reliable family nearby so pay. Of course we go out less but it cuts all this nonsense out. Then just don't take part in the competitiveness. Problem solved. Let the other woman play her silly games by herself.

I don't think you should be looking for your MIL to be your 'support'. If you have no friends to go to coffee/shopping with, then you need to work on that, not expect this woman to fill that role for you. She may want to be your child's grandparent without wanting to be your friend.

This girl does sound like a pain, but you're turning it into a competition. Disengage and let MIL come to you if she wants to.

I feel sorry for your MIL as well as you. I bet she's fully aware she's giving less attention to your DC but is in an impossible situation. Or maybe she thinks you're so capable that you don't need help? Have you actually sat her down and talked to her honestly about how you feel?
I'm assuming there are no relatives on your parents' side who could you could confide in and have those coffees/baby shopping trips with instead? An aunt, cousin, your mum's best friend?

I sympathise hugely and I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel frustrated by this. Unfortunately, I don't see there's anything you can do. .

Precisely what purple said. I know of a lady like this thankfully have little to do with her as I have my own long term health problems but she was incredibly ill with her last pg, been told not to have more but she's pg with no 6 (her choice - not knocking it - she knew the risks) again, incredibly ill, constant fb posts about how ill she is and no one gets it, although she too has a world of support around her.

I understand PPs saying that the MILs child rearing days are over, that may be so but it's clearly a case of favouritising doing more for one than the other here as she's still helping out the other lady more? MIL isn't exactly saying no to her is she?

Saying that though, PPs are right, although your MIL would be wonderful she's clearly not to be relied upon and you need to be able to accept that however hurtful it may appear to you. My own Mum has days where she simply says no. Can you ask any of your friends to help you out a bit more? I've had to learn to swallow my pride and ask for help from my friends when I've been struggling with my own health problems. They're all still my friend so I don't think I've been too demanding in my requests! you'll probably find you're a lot more relaxed if you manage to build up a support network with people who you find reliable.

Glitter it does sound like you have a lot going on, sort of " It doesn't rain, it pours" .

Although you were given the message 'call anytime', given the circumstances you've described upthread, can you try to arrange any alternatives so you aren't quite so dependent on your MIL. It sounds like her time will be too thinly spread to give you the resouce you need atm

midnite she's not a GIRL........ she's 22 years old!

Professionally offended? Never heard that term before.

By your reasoning, "girl" could also describe someone who is immature, hence why the OP said she used the word.

We do appreciate her. We take her out for lunch when we can and she's had lots of lovely presents and cards made by her gc.

Whenever I do see her I tell her to not put up with it and she says how grateful she is we don't put demands on her etc.

The one thing I would like to point I never whinge at her about any of this. It's very much "don't worry about it. Don't feel you have to do anything you don't want to do. Please never feel obligated to etc and we wouldn't want to take the piss". I don't think she realise quite how much it upsets me unless my husband has said something.

Probably partly our fault. I did explain that we pulled away as she seemed that they needed more attention and she is very negative about them. She says she feels so relieved her son and other kids don't rely or act the way his side do.

I think it's a case of her saying one thing to me but her actions telling a completely different story.

Tbh the only person i feel sorry for is your mil. Back away from this girl and stop giving her information for a competition.

I have a sister who is as much use as a chocolate teapot and completely unavailable in all sense of the word. My mum was from abroad and was estranged from her family (she died 10 years ago as well).

Friends wise, none of my friends have kids or those who do are utterly useless. The other day I planned a day with my mum friends and they all cancelled on the day.

I think sometimes in this sort of family dynamic you end up with one person labelled as the 'coper' and the other person as the 'cant-coper'. In the middle you will have someone who feels pulled in both directions and terribly guilty. I have seen it played out many times in family and friends.

You of course are the 'coper'.

In the end the only thing which seems to resolve it is time. In the mean time what you can do for DMiL is take the guilt off her from your side. Tell her you understand that she feels drawn to help the 'cant-coper'. Be her safe haven that she can come to when the stress of the 'cant-coper' is too much.

We had this with DB and his now ex-wife. DM felt she had to repeatedly rush to help them, to babysit as they went through one make-up crisis after another. In the end DM saw that she was being used and now many years later has a good relationship with my DCs but a far more mutual one than she has with DB's DDs.

The other woman relies on your MIL too much, but TBH, I think you do too. The whole going for coffee and a chat thing is the sort of thing that you do with your friends. Perhaps you should look at developing your friendship networks.

I get that it's nice to have grandparent involvement - my mum is long dead, my dad is wholly uninterested in my kids and my PIL are very elderly and infirm, so have no involvement either - but you're an adult and you need to be self-sufficient. Rise above it: get professional childcare in place, spend time with your friends, expect nothing from your MIL and if she wants to make contact with you, see her if you think it's worth the emotional upheaval.

We have no support network either really unless it's an emergency and even then it depends where in the world my parents are on holiday at that point in time- they informed me when I said I was pg that they absolutely had no plans to be childcarers when retired- which I accept (quite sadly- our choice to have kids) but Is a ballache when they won't help out for an afternoon but will look after my siblings kids for weeks at a time because he has an 'important' job!

gnome that's exactly what I try to do. She comes to here and vents about all of it because her partner doesn't really engage, her friends tell her to drop it all etc and it's not as simple as ignoring it. Im the only person that knows she still smokes and I'll make her lunch, take her out for coffee to give her as much of a break and she does for me in some respects.

I think she takes too much on from everybody really but just he company is often what I'm after. God I sound like a twat 🙈

You arent a twat. All you can do is try to be glad of what you do have (I know, easier said than done). Time will sort this.

All the drama with my DB is now some years ago. Gradually DM realised that DB was only getting in contact when he wanted something (normally free childcare when he had his DDs for a holiday). Gradually DM got the courage up to say 'no' to him sometimes.

I don't think you can do much about this other woman's dependence on your mil. I'm sure your mil feels a,most blackmailed into helping her and she also is concerned for her GC who is in a poor environment with such an unstable person. She probably doesn't get much support from her own family as they know what's she's like and keep their distance.

You just need to make friends in your own neighbourhood, maybe mother and baby groups, or toddler groups. Home working can be very isolating. Just grit your teeth for now and let the anger go because it's harming you more than resolving anything. Eventually when the baby stage is past your mil may regain a little more time and you can reestablish a normal relationship.

Some people are givers. Some are takers. My sil thinks only about herself and her health. Thinks nothing of mine. I couldn't trust her to look after my dd and I'm chronically ill. Yet she's all too quick to tell me what a hard time she's having in peri menopause. I'm there too and it's just an additional bit of shit on top of my illness as far as I'm concerned..... but she's struggling to cope!

Sadly you just have to accept it. Your mil otoh is being blackmailed, poor woman.

I arrived back in the uk heavily pregnant and not in my home town. I have no family in the vicinity, my fil is useless and lives abroad. My mother until recently cared for her husband, who went into a home and she spends much of her time there with him. My father is deceased. I, too, have no one apart from the odd friend I can get to help from time to time. As I said, I'm chronically ill. It's hard. I see others going out, having a great time with a massive support network and will occasionally complain because 'Nanny isn't available'. Such people don't know they were born. Frankly I could spend my life wretched and anxious and annoyed..... or I could just make the best of it. I suggest you do the latter. It's far easier.

YANBU. This "girl" manipulates your MIL. Although I agree with the others, that you should not automatically rely on anyone, except your DH. Imagine that you moved abroad and just don't have any family around.
Ignore this girl, at some point your MIL will realise she has been used.
My mother was like that, always found the reasons not to babysit DS1. At the same time, she always babysat my father's younger sister's kids. She just could not say "no" to her, and put her needs in front of mine (I am an only child). At one moment, she said "no" to me, and when I called her that evening, I could hear my aunt kids at the background. Apparently, aunt just dumped the kids at the front door and left.
I sucked it in and then moved abroad and paid for all my childcare.
My mother now realised that her SIL only contacts her when she needs something from her. But some people are just like that, they know how to manipulate other people and can be very successful.
Wait and see, that girl will make a mistake and may be it will be eye opener for your MIL and she will realise that she missed out on her own biological grandchildren.

OP I can understand that it's nice to get some support from time to time, though I do take pps points about developing coping networks and friendship groups. However, I do think you need to stop relenting and cancelling your own plans. Why should the other woman's plans take priority. Why can't she get her own family to babysit/change their arrangements? By giving in to guilt when your mil asks if you wouldn't mind changing plans etc, you're doing the same thing your mil is doing.

I'd have a frank discussion with MIL. Explain why you're upset. And ask if she can sometimes say no to this woman rather than let you down so often. It's not just for your sake it's for your children (and her grandchildren!). Btw it sounds like her husband is a bit selfish - I wonder if he puts pressure on your mil to put his son's family first.

I understand where you're coming from OP. Particularly feeling that your kids are barely getting to see their gp's because they're always with their cousins. When I was pregnant with my second, I asked PIL if they could take me to one of my scans as my car was in for repairs. They cancelled a few days in advance because SIL (also their DIL btw not their daughter, if that makes a difference) needed them for something she'd forgotten about.

It has affected the way we view our relationship with PIL's and BIL's family but on a day to day basis we now just try to let it wash over us and not upset us. DH mentioned to PIL once it would be nice if the DC saw more of them, they were sympathetic but in reality nothing changed, so there's not much else we can do except just get on with it by ourselves. As a pp said, it was us it was upsetting, not our DC so it was our issue really.

"I think it's a case of her saying one thing to me but her actions telling a completely different story."

I agree with this and is, I think, the crux of the matter. Whatever is going on with this demanding and manipulative woman, your mil is choosing to pander to it...and her choices are her own to make. No one is forcing her. She could say, "No xxxx, I can't help. I've already arranged to do blah blah blah today." but she doesn't. She scuttles off to order.

I think this is as much your mil's doing (if not more so) than her partner's dil's.

OP you don't sound like a twat. Everyone needs support and being at home with children can be very isolating. The whole set up sounds like mil is not saying to anyone else is needed her life how she feels except to you. You're not being unreasonable but it doesn't seem as though mil has got much emotional resilience either and is unable to say no.

I think you've received some harsh replies on here, with people focussing on irrelevancies like calling her a 'girl' and use of the word 'support.'

I agree that she sounds as though she has some major issues (and not just with the crises that keep popping up just when you and your mil have plans) and seems to be deliberately trying to sabotage your relationship with your mil. However much of a "coper" you are, it must nonetheless be hurtful that your mil constantly side-lines/cancels on you in preference to her.

But really, the only person who can sort this is your mil, and it seems she's reluctant to at the moment. So, sadly, you're going to need to back off and keep on as you are, with not building up any expectations of support from her.