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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that the male friend I secretly love is moving away

143 replies

30somethingellla · 03/03/2017 17:57

I've known him years but only became friendly with him 7 months ago when I made a new friend and she introduced him to me.

Weve got on really well and I think there's some chemistry. Our friends do joke that he's attracted to me but he's made no moves. We have so much in common, laugh and talk for hours.

Now he's told us all that he's moving to the south of England for further study. At the moment we live in a tight knit community and we see each other at least twice a week.

I'm almost 30 and I feel an absolute idiot for being upset about this. I'm not 14 ffs!!!

I'm asking this in AIBU as I want genuine and honest answers.

I'm being pathetic aren't I?

I just feel really sad. I'm completely in love with him. Never expected to feel this way at my age. I can't ask him out as if I've mistaken his intentions the repercussions would mean I'd probably have to leave the friendship group or at least things would never ever be the same again. I value these friends too much to lose them. I had always hoped there might be a 'moment'over a few drinks 😂

He will be back for holidays etc but it's not the same.

Go on, tell me to get a grip. I'm okay to be told that. AIBU?

OP posts:

laurzj82 · 03/03/2017 22:15

Tell him. Life is too short.

30somethingella · 03/03/2017 22:20

Thanks everyone. He's going away in a few weeks.
He will be back in term times. He's actually on holiday now and back at Easter so will see him then. Will have to see him then.

We've arranged to have an evening cooking pancakes so it's hardly a romantic setting! 😂

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 03/03/2017 22:24

Aw. Doesn't matter, you'll be together. Come on, OP - we're all with you on this.

stayathomegardener · 03/03/2017 22:24

Can't you say how much you are going to miss him/going out and you always thought something might happen between you and laugh it off.
Honest but the perfect opportunity for him to make a move or just laugh with you too.

30somethingella · 03/03/2017 22:25

I don't have th confidence to say that. It needs to be subtle. I don't think I'd ever have the courage to do anything more than friendly flirting.

He might not even like me that way anyway.

Emboo19 · 03/03/2017 22:27

Who arranged the pancake evening?
Maybe it's not romantic, depending on your notion of romance. But it is sweet, fun and intimate and could so easily lead to a different kind of fun!!

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 03/03/2017 22:29

He does! And if he doesn't, more fool him! Think of it this way - whatever the outcome, it will change your life. Best case scenario, he tells you he feels the same. Second best case scenario, you've learned you can be brave. What's not to like?!

30somethingella · 03/03/2017 22:35

It was his idea. But there's other people going. So not a date 😭

Mysterycat23 · 03/03/2017 22:40

He invites you to hang out just the two of you and you think he's not interested?! You said he's shy OP. Honestly life is too short, if you feel strongly there is any chance hes the one for you then get on with it! try sitting closer together on the sofa or something and see if he reciprocates. He probably is too shy and nervous in case you are the one who doesn't reciprocate!

If you fancy him he's not your friend anyway and sorry to be harsh but when you say you value his friendship too much, that's just an excuse not to take a risk. You're just kidding yourself. Get on with it and if it doesn't work out, move on and find someone else!

Seriously, life is waaaay too short

dontcallmeduck · 03/03/2017 22:45

Just tell him. You regret what you don't do not what you do. Well mostly. Sounds like he's made moves and you know it but are too scared, Just take the plunge

SteppingOnToes · 03/03/2017 22:47

I've been there - 10 years where I thought he wasn't interested and it turns out he thought I wasn't interested. We eventually did get together but sadly he passes away - so many wasted years for the sake of pride :(

greenworm · 03/03/2017 22:59

I'm completely in love with him. Never expected to feel this way at my age.

OMG you're 29!

Do some flirting, do the kind of banter whee you make it clear you're interested but don't say it in so many words, so it gives you both an easy out if he's not interested.

Applebite · 03/03/2017 23:03

If you don't try, you'll never know. You only regret the things you don't do, OP!

robinia · 03/03/2017 23:05

When he touches you, touch him back. Touch him a bit more than he touches you.

BeastofCraggyIsland · 03/03/2017 23:13

LTB

I think you mean TLB (Tell the Lovely Bloke)

NameChangedddd · 03/03/2017 23:30

I think I'd go for a combo of two bits of earlier advice the get drunk advice and the tell him you are surprised how you feel.

This has many advantages.

Getting you both drunk lowers inhibitions so you are more likely to feel freer to speak yourself and more likely to get a more honest (Vino veritas) answer from him.

Plus if it doesn't go your way you can dismiss it as "just a bit drunk" and you can move on.

But saying the "I'm surprised how I feel/will miss you" means you've got that off your chest and there's a little bit more too it than a drunken snog.

All I'd say is if you feel like this now, how will you feel if in 5 years you are still feeling the same way, still single, and he pops back for a holiday to introduce you to his fiancee???

Life is short. You don't need to put your soul on the line but equally you shouldn't dismiss trying to do something (drunk/say a little hint combo).

pillowcase6 · 04/03/2017 00:48

*So what do you want from this thread then? Just a place to make melodramatic sighs? To have people bow smoke up your arse?

You sound very immature tbh*

The above reply is ridiculous. Please ignore it, OP.

It's so strange that you would think you're too old for a crush. Don't you think anyone over 20 gets married or starts new relationships? How do you think they begin? With a handshake and signed documents? They all begin with a crush and butterflies in one's stomach!

I was listening to an interview with a guy in his 80's the other day who had an intense crush on his female friend and desperately wanted to propose. He sounded like a teenager too, and I thought, wow it never changes.

30somethingella · 04/03/2017 00:55

I turn into a teenager when I like someone. It's ridiculous!

I'm going to wait until Easter and hope
Something happens during our pancakes dinner date (with loads of other friends present).

livelyredjellybean · 04/03/2017 07:39

Does he ever invite other females from your friendship group to hang out just the two of them? If not, you have your answer!

Also pancake making can of course be flirty and fun! Swiping jam or chocolate spread cheekily on him...??

marthastew · 04/03/2017 07:46

Tell him.

You'll feel much sadder if he ends up with someone else or many years down the line he ever says 'I liked you but was too shy to say anything'.

Joey7t8 · 04/03/2017 07:58

Stop pissing about with subtle hints and let him know explicitly that you fancy him.

If a bloke invites a women out with just the 2 of you, it's asking you out, but it sounds like he's too shy to make a move.

Let's bust a myth here: men don't do friendship with women that they don't fancy. All you women out there with long term platonic male friends, those guys fancy you and are secretly hoping that one day you'll see what a great guy they are (in comparison to all the bastards that you've been dating) and suddenly start fancying them.

He could also be gay.

coconuttella · 04/03/2017 07:58

Ignore the few idiots who've posted "if he liked you he'd have asked you". Men are shy too... the best kind often are! TELL HIM! Lots of good advice already on how to do this, so decide on your plan and get on with it!

30somethingella · 04/03/2017 08:02

He's not gay. But don't think he's interested.

Something tells me he's not. I do think he finds me physically attractive. But I don't get the feeling he's secretly into me.

I think you can just tell.

30somethingella · 04/03/2017 08:02

He never talks about liking anyone or any romantic subjects at all.

SouthWestmom · 04/03/2017 08:07

Why have you changed from

30somethingella

30somethingellla

Are you the same op?

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