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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that the male friend I secretly love is moving away

143 replies

30somethingellla · 03/03/2017 17:57

I've known him years but only became friendly with him 7 months ago when I made a new friend and she introduced him to me.

Weve got on really well and I think there's some chemistry. Our friends do joke that he's attracted to me but he's made no moves. We have so much in common, laugh and talk for hours.

Now he's told us all that he's moving to the south of England for further study. At the moment we live in a tight knit community and we see each other at least twice a week.

I'm almost 30 and I feel an absolute idiot for being upset about this. I'm not 14 ffs!!!

I'm asking this in AIBU as I want genuine and honest answers.

I'm being pathetic aren't I?

I just feel really sad. I'm completely in love with him. Never expected to feel this way at my age. I can't ask him out as if I've mistaken his intentions the repercussions would mean I'd probably have to leave the friendship group or at least things would never ever be the same again. I value these friends too much to lose them. I had always hoped there might be a 'moment'over a few drinks 😂

He will be back for holidays etc but it's not the same.

Go on, tell me to get a grip. I'm okay to be told that. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
30somethingellla · 03/03/2017 19:00

How is thIs remotely similar to a thread about a work colleague ignoring someone? 🙄

hea younger than me. I have some doubts about asking him out. I don't want to be the one pursuing. Would rather it came from him if it's what he wants.

He always did invite me out, always walked me to the last train home, sometimes tried to impress me, always sits touching me.

But I think something would have happened now if it was meant to.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 03/03/2017 19:02

And your "I might lose his friendship" excuse is rubbish, OP and you know it! He's moving away!

Original poster
30somethingellla · 03/03/2017 19:02

If I were to tell him it would have to be subtle. So that if he isn't interested in me he could say nothing and nothing would change.

OP posts:
mycatloveslego · 03/03/2017 19:08

I was in your position once. I thought that after knowing me for 7 years, if he was interested he would have made a move. He left, I didn't see him for 3 years. I felt so sad. I dated other men but couldn't move on.

He came back for a reunion dinner and the minute he walked in I knew I had to tell him. I told him that night. He told me he'd always loved me, didn't think I was interested in him in that way and didn't want to ruin our friendship or upset the group dynamic. We have been together ever since. That was 15 years ago.

If you tell him, what's the worst that can happen? He may not be interested, but at least if you know that you can move on. Or he may be The One.

There really is nothing better than being married to your best friend. Good luck, listen to your heart, not your head. Nothing that is worth having comes easily.

ButtonBoo · 03/03/2017 19:10

What I was thinking putthebunny

Gottagetmoving · 03/03/2017 19:19

Sounds to me from what you say that he does like you but you haven't responded to his attention? Even your friends think he likes you!
You sound as if you can't believe anything could ever happen and he is picking up on that.
FFS life is too short to miss an opportunity.

Emboo19 · 03/03/2017 19:19

Text him... you're really pleased for him. But you're really going to miss him.
Then tell us what he replys!!

titsbumfannythelot · 03/03/2017 19:21

Have a few wines tonight op and send a cheeky wee text

teenagetantrums · 03/03/2017 19:22

Tell him. I spent 3 years secretly loving my now partner. When l found out she was moving away l thought well might as well make a move. We have been together for over a year now. Its long-distance but we make it work and l will moving next month. You have nothing to lose

Kewcumber · 03/03/2017 19:25

Just say to him

"I find my self ridiculously sad that you're moving away. I hadn't realised that I would feel so bereft"

If he wants to make more of that he can, if he wants to ignore it, it won't be too awkward.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 03/03/2017 19:31

and nothing would change But it IS going to change because he's moving away! Unless you do something. Alternatively, maybe it's for the best and he'll meet some super-hot woman, fall crazy in love with her, get married and forget you ever existed..... (I'm not very good at reverse psychology but I'm trying!)

RebootYourEngine · 03/03/2017 19:31

I think you should invite him out for a farewell drink and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you are glad that you met him and that you will miss him.

Areyoufree · 03/03/2017 19:31

I was the one moving away. My now husband declared his feelings. Ended up coming with me. We've been married for for years. Telling someone you love them is never a bad thing.

ToastVacuum · 03/03/2017 19:33

Sounds to me from what you say that he does like you but you haven't responded to his attention?

I think so too. Either way, life's too short not to find out, and there's no time like the present...

HarmlessChap · 03/03/2017 19:33

He always did invite me out, always walked me to the last train home, sometimes tried to impress me, always sits touching me.

Perhaps he's been doing all that and waiting for the green light?

Its entirely possible that he's moving away to distance himself from what he perceives as unrequited feelings.

gamerchick · 03/03/2017 19:36

He has been asking you out really if you think about it. Just the 2 of you type of thing. Were you wanting to ask you out formally for a date? It doesn't look like that is going to happen.

I agree, you don't want to spend your life thinking what if. You don't need a guy to make the first move in this day and age man.

winewolfhowls · 03/03/2017 19:38

This is like a film with Hugh Grant in, about ten years ago.

Tell him or you will forever regret it,
You wouldn't have posted UNLESS you really wanted us to talk you into it!

Believeitornot · 03/03/2017 19:41

He's been making subtle moves but you're in denial. What kind of moveare you expecting?
Have you watched too many films?

If he sits touching you, touch him back. When you say goodnight, give him a peck on the cheek. Etc etc. Then he might have more of a clue that you like him too.

HelsinkiLights · 03/03/2017 19:46

Oh ffs TELL HIM
I don't want to be reading a thread on 'MumsAll-Inclusive.net' in 50 years time about how you've reconnected with a secret love & aibu to wear a long white wedding dress even though I'm 82 & my DH to be is 78.

Message me his phone number & I'll text him Smile

robinia · 03/03/2017 19:54

On the one hand you say 'he's made no moves' and then you say 'He always did invite me out, always walked me to the last train home, sometimes tried to impress me, always sits touching me.'

Honestly, if he sits touching you then what more moves does he need to make?

Don't be left thinking 'what if'. Life is too short for that. Tell him.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 03/03/2017 19:55

helsinki Yes! Let's crowd-text him! Or, at the very least, leave this thread casually open in front of him....

MimiSunshine · 03/03/2017 19:59

He's made his move, he's made loads of them. You've listed all the ways he's been making his move.

You're both just being too subtle about it, what would it take from him for you to know he wants to go out with you? For him to outright say 'would you go on a romantic date with me?' Youve said he's shy he's NEVER going to say that, most averagely none shy blokes wouldn't say that.

He's more than likely been thinking "I've asked her out for drinks and she's not made any move so she clearly just thinks of me as a friend".

Just text him and say "this is so embarrassing but I'm a bit gutted your moving away. I guess I waited too long to make my move, is it too late to say I like you more than just friends? If not fancy a drink tomorrow night?"

Then die a thousand deaths inside while you cringe with embarrassment but honestly I think it'll be worth it. A life half lived... and all that.

For what it's worth I met my bf OLD and he said he would NEVER have approached me in a bar, he'd have just been too nervous / shy / scared of rejection. Not all blokes have the confidence of Kanye West on a quiet day

ScrapThatThen · 03/03/2017 20:00

Ok, so at the very least you need to up the flirting - one of you has to be brave - send some clear signals and engineer some time together. Sit a bit too close, look at him longingly - and at least enjoy the crush while he's here.

HelsinkiLights · 03/03/2017 20:01

JingleJess I like that idea Grin

sonjadog · 03/03/2017 20:03

Sounds like he´s tried making many moves, tbh. I think even more now that you should text him. You don´t have to make it a declaration of love, but just make it clear that if he´s interested, you´d be interested in more.

I´m sure the good people of MN will come up with something appropriate but not too heavy handed to text (I´m terrible at writing the subtle text, so don´t listen to me).