Your husband "working away sometimes" does not mean you are virtually a single parent!Argh!!!

[MyMushroomsInATimeSlip]

I've heard this a few times from people I know and several times from the same person. Just in case anyone is ever tempted to utter this phrase to a single parent please bear in mind that single parenting involves a lot more than taking care of your home and children by yourself for a few days of a week.
Try considering holidays, children's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special o ccassions on your own. Half the income. No help if you're ill, no lie in. Ever! The stigma of being single and a single parent - not especially helped by the media and politicians, constant guilt about not giving your child a bigger/better family. Having no-one to talk to about your day. The fear of your child ever being I'll and needing to take time off work. Again. As no-one else will do it. The fear of being so ill/hospitalised that you can't care for your child and no-one else will. Or even worse - dying and leaving them all alone. Having no-one to share your child's achievements, milestones, funny quirks and comments with. Making do with cuddles only from a small person and knowing that this won't last. The terribleness of online dating, or just dating in general! Feeling crap every time you can't make it to a school event which seem to happen every other day and having no-one else to ask. Being solely in charge of another person's emotional, physical and social well-being. Oh, and not forgetting having no photos of yourself with you child as there's never anyone there to take them!!

Rant over.

Are all of these partners/husbands that work away co-erced into doing so, or is it a choice that the family has made for them to do that job, and take that income?

Not trying to be a goady fucker, but just wondering if I'm missing something?

Otherwise, is it not quite a bit different to the many single/lone parents who haven't made an active choice to parent alone both practically and financially, but found themselves in this situation?

For me it's been a cumulative effect. I found lone parenting easier when it was toddler groups and finger painting, and when I'd only been doing it for a few years.

Fast forward a decade, with the stress of the responsibility and the lack of time "off" to recuperate, and it's a very different story. The resilience just isn't there, and I've got the onslaught of the teenage years to get through yet.

It's a whole different ballgame to a temporary arrangement.

Just psychologically alone, there is a vast vast degree of difference between the life of a lone parent and the life of someone whose spouse is out of the home a lot.

Day-to-day activities may operate in a similar way, but the knowledge that it is temporary or permanent is extraordinarily important.

That feeling, that mindset, CANNOT be replicated.

I think there is a whole range of experiences. In fact it has been single parents that have commented to me on the similarities not me to them.
Not all families have two incomes, and certainly not guaranteed ones at that. It's not as simple as a binary lone parent / married couple comparison. My experience of parenting has been a world away from DH coming home every night at 5pm - and a world away from a lone parents experience.
And yes, if he could have got a different job he would have done.

at the language used cuid many families only have one income, even single parents, some of my friends also cannot work due to the disabilities and time constraints of their husbands work, so they only have one income, as do single parents.

I know many a working families who many a single families who are on the same income, be that on benefits, or low income.

So not its not "crass" as you state, as I said it is down to individual circumstances

I guess it's been said but comparison of any situation is pointless. I am separated with DC. I live somewhere new and have only acquaintances. I don't have any extended family. (Different country and unsupportive of situation).

One Monday a playground mum asked about my weekend and was so jealous that I'd had time to myself as my DC were with their Dad. She talked non stop about a family day trip Saturday and the huge Sunday lunch she'd cooked for extended family. I wanted to cry with loneliness listening to her.

A different day, out of the blue, she said to me that she wished she had the courage to do what I did and leave her husband. She told me some of the horrible ways he treats her. She was tearful. She was insistent she couldn't do it alone.

Well anyway, I'm rambling. But I suppose it reminded me of what I should know only too well, no one has a clue what anyone else is experiencing.

As a single parent I actually find my life easier than when I was married.I still do the majority of the child care, the school stuff, the staying home sick with a poorly child, around working full time and it's hard to juggle- but it always was, as ex gave little help with that stuff when we were married.The advantage now is that he has the girls a few nights a week and I get some time to myself. I don't have the constant rows about who is doing more or the disappointment of asking for help and not getting it-knowing it's just on me is actually easier to deal with.
I've got some good friends nearby as my family are a long way away.They are my lifeline sometimes.
Financially I'm worse off, though he pays generous maintenance, so I'm not struggling really, I just have to be more careful.And if I lose my job or am sick or whatever then yes I would be very swiftly financially screwed in a way that a married person might not be (depending on incomes/circumstances etc). My life choices are more limited but I'm very lucky to have them at all.
If I were a lone parent however I would struggle massively.There is a huge difference.

So these are my experiences....women who pull away their husbands when they see me coming, my receipt of tax credits making me 'on benefits' and you a 'working family', an assumption I don't work, an assumption that I am poorly educated, virtual strangers asking me if my children have the same father, my children first in breakfast club and last to leave after school club, women who make faux-pitying comments along the lines of 'your poor children must feel neglected as you are at work all the time/what a shame you have to work, we are all going for coffee', being left out of social gatherings, having virtual strangers look me up and down and ask point blank 'how can you afford that, being told I am not allowed to have holidays, my children not being welcome in your home because 'single mum' is the same as badly behaved, my children's SEN blamed on my single parent status....I could go on.

needs that sounds awful! Genuinely, I'm not a single parent (as established upthread) but I can't imagine applying any of those things to my friends who are-or anyone who is! People really wouldn't have your children in their house?! That's their problem and a lucky escape for your child. Thinking about it, we have a newish boy coming for tea later and I have no idea if his parents are together! (I'm that terrible mother who works full time too so never in the playground-which makes me snobby and standoffish apparently....)

I can't comment on anyone else's circumstances - it's not my place. But I am both a single and a lone parent.

I'm a single parent to DS1. His dad and I co-parent and his time is split between us 50/50. We talk through important decisions and make them together (education, health, discipline etc). If anything were to happen to DS1 I know he'd drop everything and be there.

I'm a lone parent to DS2 and it's very, very different. His dad died when he was a baby. The bit I find the hardest is that there's no one to talk those important decisions through with. They all fall totally to me (and there are a lot of them as he has SN). I have no one to back me up. And I never, ever get a break (made worse by the fact I'm disabled and need to rest more - I'm probably making my health worse). It's fucking lonely and I'm always scared I'm going to get it wrong.

Your experiences sound terrible, needs. (Very, very different from mine which was all very positive) What kind of area do you live in, can I ask, is it very traditional?

HHH3, that sounds really tough.

Yanbu. My partner used to work away a lot, sometimes for months at a time in a war zone. Yes it is like being a single parent in the physical day to day sense but it is in no way comparable to being a single parent. Whilst he may not have been there for dinner, baths, homework, weekends, trips away, illness, stays in hospital, birthdays and even one Christmas, we still had his income, my kids still had a dad 'on the scene' and i still had the emotional support of another parent during the times he was away (slightly limited at times albeit).

And I bloody loved the upside of having the bed to myself and full control of the remote

Our own perspectives are our reality. I see what you're saying OP, its when people who really aren't in the same situation as yourself that like to 'top trump' whatever situation you're in and pull out the victim card, I've met quite a few people playing with a full f**king deck!!
I salute all you single parents.

Well said Mushrooms, thanks for posting.

For me it's the crushing loneliness of not having anyone to share their achievements w, to toss ideas around with, to help when they've been ill (one is now adult). I could bear all the physical parts of working full-time & doing all the shopping, cleaning and cooking (ds now helps with the garden), though it must be heaven to share those tasks, but it's being the only one there for them that gets to me. Ds supposedly stays at his dad's one night a week, but exh cancels about half the time to go to gigs or when he's sick or even just tired!

I'm going to be controversial here and state that I have said that and will say it again. My husband works shifts and works away from home. He also works bank holidays and has worked Christmas (admittedly not every Christmas) as he works in a hospital and countless other holidays including birthdays. He commutes 116 miles a day and often doesn't get home until after bedtime. So I'm not a single parent but my family live 500 miles away so I'm sorry OP but yes, sometimes I share your pain. He misses parents' nights, plays, weekends and holidays and yes he also gets time off and is able to do things and yes it's not every weekend but I am still entitled to have feelings about this and have an opinion. Is it as bad as your situation, no. Does it affect my life and my child's, yes. So yes, sometimes I feel like a single parent because I am one when I am sitting at home alone after 'bedtime' having worked all week watching Netflix myself unable to contact my husband as he is busy. You have my sympathy but only because I know what you are feeling.

I agree with you to a point, OP. I'm fully expecting to get flamed now but I find that even though I'm married, I'm pretty much parenting on my own 99% of the time. Of course it's not the same as being a lone parent (and I'm currently weighing my options up as to whether I'm going to remain married..) but...
I never get a lie in
I never get an evening out
If I'm ill, he doesn't help much
We have no family nearby so I don't get any support or any breaks
I do all the shopping/cooking/cleaning
In the evenings he's either at work or at the pub, so my adult conversations are limited to online most of the time.
I go to bed on my own most nights.
The only benefit of being married is the financial one, as far as I can see.

So. It's never that cut and dry. Im wondering if being a single parent may actually give me some of that stuff back as he'd then have to have responsibilities on his weekends.

However, I would never compare myself to a single parent out loud. I may think it in my head at times, though...

There are single parents and single parent.

Liz Hurley once complained about being a single parent. I assume she meant emotionally. But as I was a SP on the breadlilne at the time I did not appreciate her "poor me" announcements.

In real life, some single parents have enormous support from their family, childcare after school, during the evenings, financial support and so on. Some have absolutely none, or a tiny, tiny amount.

Some single parents have alot of financial support from ex. Some have zero. Some get shared custody, allowing the lone parent evenings and weekends "off"! For others, the ex has disappeared over the horizon so they are the custodial parent 24/7.

Some single parents are awful and make zero effort with their kids - its just a way not to work and live a self-indulgent life off the state. Others are incredibly conscientious, to the point where their health suffers.

So, I don't think you can really lump single parents into one category is what I'm trying to say.

I really don't know why people are so dismissive of financial contributions. You can't live on fresh air

Financial contributions are incredibly important but sometimes all the crap that goes along with them aren't always worth it...

Surely it depends on finances, levels of engagement and partnership?

My OH has worked abroad for 11.5 of my son's 12.5 years. We don't speak while he's away (5-6 days/week minimum - but often here only 4 days/month), and rarely text. We do nothing together - not even simple things like cooking at the weekend. If he cooks, it's only for him and DS. He has been to one parents evening and two birthday parties. He didn't come more or engage more when my Dad was dying last year and didn't attend the funeral (despite us having shared a house with my parents for over 10 years). He's equally not changed his plans whilst I've been hospitalised, our son has been hospitalised (both serious emergencies) or whilst we were going through a horrific court case involving our son being abused.

He does pay most of the bills, but has no idea what they are, or even a bank account in this country. Equally, he "helps" with things like telling son he's fat and asking me whether son might have a metabolic condition (son is a little chubby from comfort eating following abuse and not having had his big growth spurt yet, but plays county level sport), criticising the state of the house (including why I give myself "stress" by doing things like decorating) and why I take so many pills (chronic illness, all prescribed).

Where do I fit in this ridiculous hierarchy of "who has it worse", which is what this whole single vs partnered thing seems to be about? Whether you are single, partnered or married, what matters is how much support vs "in-support" you actually get - whether financial, emotional, moral or practical....

From your post bibbety, your OH sounds like a waste of space and I assume your wondering why you're with him.

I was referring to the poster who said "apart from emotional and financial support" which made me splutter, like these things are MINOR and the poster who is being controversial above (aahwoof). You don't have a clue what my life is like. Split up with your husband if you want to know what single parenting is like.

*you're

Sorry - "un-support" - I can't think what the opposite of support is...

You are right of course, the two are completely different.
It's not a competition though.
What about people whose partners are in remote areas an they can't contact them for months on end?
Maybe a small group of people but they must feel like single parents during this time.
There are similarities like having to make all the decision yourself, being the only parent etc.
Only a temporary similarity and certainly not the same thing, but I can see how certain groups would find the two similar.
Away for a few days and contactable, no similarities at all.

Again, romina, your OH sound like a twat and I assume you are questioning if you should be with him.

I'm effectively not, squirmy, have done all the counselling stuff and was about to call it a day when all hell broke loose with the abuse, so my priority since then has been maximum stability for DS.