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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your husband "working away sometimes" does not mean you are virtually a single parent!Argh!!!

270 replies

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/03/2017 12:41

I've heard this a few times from people I know and several times from the same person. Just in case anyone is ever tempted to utter this phrase to a single parent please bear in mind that single parenting involves a lot more than taking care of your home and children by yourself for a few days of a week.
Try considering holidays, children's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special o ccassions on your own. Half the income. No help if you're ill, no lie in. Ever! The stigma of being single and a single parent - not especially helped by the media and politicians, constant guilt about not giving your child a bigger/better family. Having no-one to talk to about your day. The fear of your child ever being I'll and needing to take time off work. Again. As no-one else will do it. The fear of being so ill/hospitalised that you can't care for your child and no-one else will. Or even worse - dying and leaving them all alone. Having no-one to share your child's achievements, milestones, funny quirks and comments with. Making do with cuddles only from a small person and knowing that this won't last. The terribleness of online dating, or just dating in general! Feeling crap every time you can't make it to a school event which seem to happen every other day and having no-one else to ask. Being solely in charge of another person's emotional, physical and social well-being. Oh, and not forgetting having no photos of yourself with you child as there's never anyone there to take them!!

Rant over.

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 03/03/2017 21:01

Can anyone answer my question?

FriendofBill · 03/03/2017 21:05

Rino they are the same thing as far as I know, it was how a single poster defines.

I'd say you're a single mother.
I sometimes call myself a lone parent/single parent.

FriendofBill · 03/03/2017 21:06

For all the single parents

CakeCakeBrewWineFlowersWineBrewCake

wildpoppiesanddaisies · 03/03/2017 21:06

Why does it matter Rino? And no one can answer your question because people have different definitions.

FWIW I would say lone parent financially.

TitaniasCloset · 03/03/2017 21:08

Thanks for the cake Friend of Bill!!!

feelingdizzy · 03/03/2017 21:09

Well I'm a lone parent ,the kids see their Dad maybe twice a year, so its me who thinks about, organises and pays for everything I have done this for 13 years.
Its knackering but I appear to have a lot of energy.I don't live my life in comparison of others,as although my life looks hard its actually great,but when I was married it looked great but the abuse I lived with was horrific.For all I know those whose lives look wonderful may actually be far from it.

Want2bSupermum · 03/03/2017 21:17

Rino I would say you are a lone parent because you are doing it all on your own. A single parent still has support, just not someone who is with them. That support might be money from their ex or their parents helping them. They aren't parenting totally alone though.

What you are doing is really tough. Living 3000 miles from home I can empathize with your situation. This weekend I am totally on my own with my DC, all three of them aged 5 and under. I have a mountain of laundry and about 20 hours worth of work to complete before Monday. I am exhausted and its only 4pm on a Friday here. I will be lucky to get 9 hours of sleep over the whole weekend. On Monday morning I will come to work and have to perform, working a 14 hour day.

Through all of this I know I have it a lot easier than a lone parent who is doing this every weekend with no end in sight. I know from April 15th onwards I won't be working weekends and next weekend DH is home. That is what I think makes being a lone parent so so much harder.

Dallyw · 03/03/2017 21:26

I'm a single parent with 2 Dc, my ex has them one night per week 6pm sat til 6pm sun...I literally had to persuade him that the two hours he took them to macdonalds on a wed evening did not make him a good dad. His excuse "if I have them Every sat night when do I get a chance to go out?" Errr mon tues wed thurs fri and sun??? Or get a fucking babysitter like I have to! To be fair there are women in relationships who have the outward appearance of a "happy family " when the women does all the work, he earns and fucks off out every night. I'd rather be single and my kids appreciate who raised them than saying thanks to both a hands on mother and a dad who handed over a percentage of his earnings and never read a bed time story in his life

PlanIsNoPlan · 03/03/2017 21:28

Haven't read the full thread but I think OP has described the life of many LPs really well, it describes the life I have had for 15 years at the very least; it might not sound like yours, or your 'mate', or your cousin or that woman down the road - but it certainly describes my life.

cuirderussie · 03/03/2017 21:32

Was a single (though co-parenting with ex) parent for a few years. It's hard and lonely as fuck. I was better off than some although I had no help from my family. It wasn't all bad and sometimes I miss our small family unit where we travelled lighter. But god it was a grind and I did occasionally get that zinger from women "I know how you feel, my husband works away in his highly paid job so I'm just lije a single mother" ARGH Angry

buttfacedmiscreant · 03/03/2017 21:33

This whole thread sounds like when people try and out disable you because someone they know has it harder than you do so how dare you feel overwhelmed. There are degrees of everything, lone parents included.

selfishcrab · 03/03/2017 21:35

YANBU I was a single (the father buggered off not to be seen or heard of again) parent for 12 years, just my income, just me, no one to help etc and whilst very rewarding bloody hard work and at times unbearably lonely.
My now DH works away for 6 months solid, I have to go to see him but in no shape or form is it like being on my own. There are 2 incomes and he is there all be it on the other end of the phone, text,whatever to help and support me or listen to me!
It just doesn't compare.

elodie2000 · 03/03/2017 21:50

I can see both sides.

An extreme example I know but I have one 'friend' (I use that term loosely) who is an absolute martyr. She is a 'lone' parent to two children and likes to tell me regularly how hard her life is compared to mine (I have a DH.)

The truth is, she has her parents and sister literally at her beck and call.
Between them, her relatives, who live 2 mins away from her, do the school run for her, provide her children with an evening meal and take them to evening clubs. The Grandparents do the children's washing & pay for outings and holidays. Every other weekend the children stay with their father.

This woman drives me mad comparing her 'difficult' life with my 'easy' life.

My DH works long hours (leaves the house 5 days a week 5.30am-7.30pm) so I do all the childcare before and after school as well as working 4 days 8am-4pm. I have absolutely no family nearby.

I understand that it can be very lonely and hard work as a lone parent but it can lonely and hard work when you're part of a couple too. Especially if you don't have parents/ family to fall back on.

katienana · 03/03/2017 21:54

YANBU my Dh works away twice a month door 2-3 nights and usually every quarter for a week. I find it really hard when he's away, no one to make me a cuppa or hand off the baby to so I can go to the toilet, worse sleep etc. I think it gives me a bit of insight into what my day would be like if I was single but as pp have said it's the emotional support and knowing it will end that are so different. And for forces families worrying about their safety on top I can't imagine what that must feel like.

AdoraBell · 03/03/2017 22:00

YANBU OP

My DH has travelled for work so much recently that today is only his 4th day at home since the first week of January.

I have the house, dogs and DC to deal with, but I am in not a single parent. Not even remotely close.

MsJamieFraser · 03/03/2017 22:06

It depends on the individual circumstances, I know many who do feel they are single parents.

Friend 1, husband works away 9 month out of 12 and is only home for 3 weeks 2 x a year, she gets his income, however no more than child support.

Friend 2, her husband works in the services, hes home been home 4 months in the last 3 years.

Friend 3, her husband is staring up his very successful business overseas, he hasn't been home in the past 10 months.

I dont see them as any different from single mums, as they do 90% of the childcare and homecare.

Passthebiscuit · 03/03/2017 22:14

Can see both sides. I count myself as a single parent - kids get taken to dad / collected by me every week. Friend (also a single mum) says that doesn't make me a single parent as I have ExDP still around . However , I pay for 99% of their things, we aren't friends who are raising them together , and mostly I don't have someone I can text when I've had a bad day - or basically someone i know is there for me even if physically they aren't - they just don't exist in my situation !

DanGleballs · 03/03/2017 22:25

The worst time for me as a single mum was 2am with a toddler with a high temperature and a baby asleep. I just wanted to talk to someone and get a second opinion as to whether to wake the baby and go to a & e. You could ring a husband working away. I had no one and the weight of responsibility for the health of a poorly child when my brain was already addled with tiredness was suffocating.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/03/2017 22:35

Its not comparable at all. Not in the slightest. I dont care if the dh works away the fact is they and their income are there. There is someone in it with you.

Try being alone if dc is in intensive care or having to have a foster placement for them if you go into hospital as there is literally no one else.

The fear of what would become of them if anything happened to you....they would be alone.....

Trust me. As previously a wife of a husband who worked away and now a lone parent, there is simply no comparison.

user1471538348 · 03/03/2017 23:04

I do think there is a spectrum here.
I felt like a single parent even when I was with exH as he had raging alcohol dependency and actually I was better off when we parted - emotionally, financially etc

But the first time I took my (youngish) kids abroad on my own I suddenly realised that there was just me and if something happened to me it could be catastrophic

Since splitting with my children's father I have had no practical support (still too drunk most of the time) and no financial support. In fact he took me to the cleaners somewhat and then , having no income, has never contributed financially. (To be fair I agreed on a clean break with no maintainance just so I could keep my pension for myself - but he took half our savings and half the house). So I sometimes have had to explain to my kids that unlike some of their friends with divorced parents, we only have my wage - some of the children they know have substantial financial support from the other parent. I have never had my children spend time with or see their father either but actually I don't mind that - I was very happy to facilitate a relationship between them and their father but he was always too drunk (do never turned up and it wouldn't have been safe anyway) and he has now moved to the other end of the country

Despite all the above, what I relate to is not the financial aspect OP or even the practical support but the emotional support. I never really had it until I met my amazing wonderful partner who never tried to be a 'dad' but had a lovely relationship with my kids and most importantly gave me support, a sounding board and a shoulder to lean on. He died very suddenly and unexpectedly a year ago. My kids were devasted and my life has fallen apart but, in addition, it has shown me how much the emotional support - the 'we are in this together' - matters.

Lone parenting....single parenting....I don't think people see me as a line parent funnily enough. I'm not the stereotypical single mum. But it's tough.....

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2017 23:08

The thing about "DH is going to Iraq for 4 months/I am on my own for Xmas" and people saying "Oh I would love the bed/tv to myself...etc" is probably more about trying to look on the positive side of a shitty situation rather than actually implying that the person concerned is lucky.

thebakerwithboobs · 03/03/2017 23:10

And it's about as effective as me telling a lone parent that I'm just like them....

cuirderussie · 04/03/2017 00:07

Msjamie ffs do you not notice that crucially they have another income coming in which a single parent doesn't? I can't believe people can be so crass Angry

PrancingQueen · 04/03/2017 00:46

What do you think is the 'stereotypical single mum' then User147?

Madwoman5 · 04/03/2017 02:22

My husband worked away during the week and spent at least one day at the weekend in the yard doing maintenance. He missed virtually every birthday, anniversary, event, school play, hospital appointment or admission, parents evening and family get together. We went away without him as we could never arrange anything without something coming up. We operated independently of him and he only started parenting when his job changed a few years ago by which stage both kids were teenagers. Yes, I referred to myself as a weekday single parent as when he was home he was absolutely exhausted and slept all the time. I could not discuss or talk through squat. I had the ring and his love but none of the couples stuff cos of his working hours. Getting used to him being around again was harder than him being away!