MIL enforced diet - I know IANBU, but I need to vent!

[winobaglady]

My in laws are lovely, I enjoy visiting them. We see them about every 3 months for a long weekend.

But oh man, at mealtimes.... she cooks a lovely dinner, dishing up tasty treats from her kitchen, but... why oh why does my DH and my FIL get 4 or 5 juicy slices of chicken breast and she dishes me and her 1 bit of breast and a thigh? Hos come the boys get 4 roast potatoes and the girls get 2? Same with veg, and desert.

And wine, if DH has a second glass - well "that''s boys". If I manage to get a second glass it's "now, you don't want to overdo it".

Argh! Just. Why?

What happened when women asked for seconds?

"And out of interest do you ever eat in a restaurant?"

Yes, as a short woman I often find the portions too big and am trying to train myself to stop when I'm full even if that means leaving something behind, but it's difficult so it often leads to overeating and indigestion.

"What happened when women asked for seconds?"

It didn't happen. This was 20 years ago, there must be more overeating these days.

Sometimes I want seconds. I'm a short woman. Is it for someone else to tell me not to have it? (Obviously I should be Exercising Appropriate Control and restricting myself to a ladylike demi-plateful but, you know, I like nice food and sometimes I fancy a second go.)

I can assure you plenty of us ate heartily 20 years ago. It was the 1990s, not some kind of post-war rationing era.

There was no facility to pay for it as it came with the rent.

Rent. Which you... pay?

Do you think men should get extra space in accommodation for the same price as women too? Because they're bigger, of course, and do after all need extra space for their important manly activities.

Hang on: so blokes asking for more was because they needed it but women asking for more would have been through reprehensible greed?

MIL sounds man-centred and not that lovely to you, OP:

"We girls have to watch our waistline" and 'only thinking of you" be damned. MIL is trying to put you in what she thinks is your place using seemingly harmless methods, knowing full well comments about weight can offend stratospherically. Ugh.

They asked for more food and the staff got used to it and started offering it.

Surely they should have just changed their standard portion sizes then?

Look I don't disagree that different people have different appetites. But that's usually linked to exertion, not sex or gender.

And it's not for anyone else to decide how much someone should eat. It's controlling and more than a little odd to try to do so.

""No, as a lapsed vegetarian, I don't even know what the best bits are (as mentioned earlier about the chicken) and wouldn't serve meat to any guests anyway. I'm talking about the quantity of food.""

But as a mestruating woman, to get enough nutrition, may have required them to eat as much, if not more of the Vegetarian food. When I went Vegan, I had to up my portions and could do and still lose weight.

""It didn't happen. This was 20 years ago, there must be more overeating these days.""

Women spoke up less about everything, 20 years ago.

"Do you think men should get extra space in accommodation for the same price as women too? Because they're bigger, "

No, but I have no objection to tall people being sat in places with more leg room in a plane.

" they should have just changed their standard portion sizes then?"

No, because the standard size was fine for the average person. These tall boys needed more.

"I don't disagree that different people have different appetites. But that's usually linked to exertion, not sex "

That's just scientifically wrong. Go and ask a doctor or a nutritionist.

"Women spoke up less about everything, 20 years ago."

Come on, we weren't shrinking violets in 1997. Where you around then?

"Sometimes I want seconds. I'm a short woman. Is it for someone else to tell me not to have it? "

No, but you may need to ask yourself whether it's your stomach or your eyes telling you to eat more and question whether you really need it. It may not be your case, but most of us eat too much these days.

No, because the standard size was fine for the average person. These tall boys needed more.

I'm 5'10, so taller than lots of 'boys'. I've been 5'10 since I was about 13 (secondary school was fun, as you can imagine).

So by your logic I need free seconds too?

I don't need to ask a nutritionist - the guidelines say that men need more calories because traditionally a) they're usually bigger and b) did more manual jobs.

But that's almost completely changed in the last few decades, and calorie recommendations just haven't caught up - hence there being more overweight and obese men in the UK than women.

but most of us eat too much these days.

I do agree - but men are eating too much too. And by the sounds of it you're one of the people doling it out to them!

"When I was a student two of my tall male friends were routinely given free seconds/extras by the canteen staff. I found it fair enough."

Assuming not troll, that is actually really disturbing. You think it's acceptable that men receive free items denied to women purely for being men? Nobody should be getting free meals in a commercial venue!

Men do need more calories so it's not that weird. I dish more to my husband...but if you want more, say so!

Gwen How about if you have guests, do you make a fuss or not bother? I think that if you have guests over then you should spread yourself a little, not just give with one hand iyswim? So when a guest comes, male or female, you give them something generous, regardless of whether their a man or a woman.

"Of course it's fair. It's fair because they NEEDED more food. They weren't just being greedy."
Awesome, can't wait to pop into The Ivy later and tell them I haven't eaten all day so they are obligated to give me free food because I NEED it and it's UNFAIR not to.

"There was no facility to pay for it as it came with the rent."
Kinda a big drip feed there. If people were paying for unlimited food then obviously the servers would give them seconds when requested.

And as for "no woman ever asked for more than one small portion", unless you stationed yourself like a hawk 24/7 to monitor precisely how much food each and every single woman was eating, there's no wa... oh wait, it's you, so you probably did.

YANBU OP.

I remember going to dinner at a friend's house (she is my age but very old school) and she served "boys' portions" and "girls' portions"

Boys had the massive lumps of meat and girls had the scraggy bits. Definitely no manual workers there, nor were the men vastly bigger or more active than the women.

I was very cross, and very hungry. And nicked some of DH's.

Some men need to eat more than some women. But often the reverse is true. I eat far more than my dad, for example. He's bigger than me but I have a much faster metabolism. Nobody should ever assume that all men need to eat more than all women and portion up accordingly.

but most of us eat too much these days.

Yeah but it's different for men don't you think? It's a far worse crime for a woman to be fat.

Yes, as a short woman I often find the portions too big and am trying to train myself to stop when I'm full even if that means leaving something behind, but it's difficult so it often leads to overeating and indigestion.

Which kind of brings me back to a previous point I made. You are projecting your own food issues onto other people.

The key thing here is that this is the MIL. Family.

This is not the first meal she has served OP.

So she clearly knows OP gets more food from her DHs plate but is continuing to try and make a point about how she ought to have less food.

It's rude. It's clearly, obviously rude and the opposite of warm and inviting.

Gwenhwyfar Me too, but why would a woman be hungry because she hasn't been given a man's portion, unless the missed the last meal or something?

Before you posted the above, you also quoted this post by NotCarylChurchill : "I once worked on a job where the woman serving the food was like that; gave the women teeny tiny portions."

BUT, you didn't quote it properly and missed off the important bit:
It's 6am in January and I'm in a field for the next 14 hours: give me a full English or I will EAT YOU.

Portion size is not just about being male or female but about being appropriate to the exercise someone undertakes as well. It isn't just "men need more".

I know I eat too much and that's now changing, as I've had to try and change the seriously fucked up eating habits I grew up with (my mum still has fucked up food issues and it's so hard to change it). But I do seem to have managed to get my DCs to eat reasonably well and they are not overweight like me.

"Kinda a big drip feed there. If people were paying for unlimited food then obviously the servers would give them seconds when requested."

No, we weren't paying for unlimited food. We were paying for standard portions but the canteen staff were nice and gave the tall boys extra. If you made friends with the staff at the Ivy they might do it too, but it's more likely that the boss will be around supervising.