MIL enforced diet - I know IANBU, but I need to vent!

[winobaglady]

My in laws are lovely, I enjoy visiting them. We see them about every 3 months for a long weekend.

But oh man, at mealtimes.... she cooks a lovely dinner, dishing up tasty treats from her kitchen, but... why oh why does my DH and my FIL get 4 or 5 juicy slices of chicken breast and she dishes me and her 1 bit of breast and a thigh? Hos come the boys get 4 roast potatoes and the girls get 2? Same with veg, and desert.

And wine, if DH has a second glass - well "that''s boys". If I manage to get a second glass it's "now, you don't want to overdo it".

Argh! Just. Why?

"I don't agree with dishing up for everybody, it's not up to me to decide how hungry people are. We rarely eat in the kitchen anyway, and I don't know many people who do. "

Dishing up in the kitchen doesn't mean the food is eaten in the kitchen. It could be brought to wherever you're eating.

"It's rude to leave something in your plate when you are a guest"

It shouldn't be, but it's because of this belief that I do think people should get the amount they need on their plate.

"Not fair enough though is it? No one reasonable could ever say people in the same role, being given extra stuff for free based on their 'maleness' or their size, was fair."

Of course it's fair. It's fair because they NEEDED more food. They weren't just being greedy.

"I'd be pretty mortified if somebody left my table feeling hungry, or sat there seeing better food on other people's plates!"

Me too, but why would a woman be hungry because she hasn't been given a man's portion, unless the missed the last meal or something?
Ideally, there would be enough food for everyone, but if I was dishing up seconds I would absolutely encourage the men to have it first and if eating with a man always serve him a larger portion, except if they flatly refuse it (I do know two men who eat the same or less than me and they are both too skinny).

"Do you host people often?"

No and I don't do formal "dinner parties". When I've had people over it's been for things like stew/risotto where there's no need to have lots of different serving bowls.

"do you consider yourself to be a good host?"

In an informal way, yes, but I suppose it's up to my guests to decide.

Gwen if I know you please never, ever invite me round to dinner.

Out of interest if you served something up to someone and they decided they didn't like it and didn't want to eat it would you view that as wasteful also?

I have never read anything like your posts in my life. It's just baffling how difficult sometime can make 'ask guests how much food they want.... give guests requested amount'

And out of interest do you ever eat in a restaurant?

I am picturing my friends' faces if I only offered seconds to the men present...

Of course it's fair. It's fair because they NEEDED more food. They weren't just being greedy.

How is that for anyone else to decide but the person eating?!

If you want extra food, in a canteen, you PAY for it! The canteen staff don't get to decide who deserves extra food free of charge and who doesn't. That's utterly batshit crazy.

Also the face of my delicate-looking 16yo if I only offered seconds to her strapping boyfriend...

The interesting thing being that men need feeding up while actually there are more overweight men than women in the UK 🤔

Why can't you just let people help themselves to whatever food they want? Sometimes you are hungry, sometimes you are not. Neither my husband or I eat the same amount if we have been on a 2 hours run or if we have spent the day sitting in the office.

It's one thing to ask your kids if they want more food, but when you have friends, is it really necessary to interrupt all conversation to ask them how much food they want, and to draw attention on the amount they want? Just let people help themselves!

I have never seen anyone offering food to men first, it's always the women who get served first, or the plate just goes round the table in an informal setting.

But this need isn't being decided on medical/nutritional need and it never has been.

Otherwise the Women/girls would get the best meat and the Men/boys fill up on Carbs/Veg, but that never happened.

What was considered the best, the meat, went to the males. Which probably helped in the amount of anemia/still births/high infant mortality/maternal deaths.

My two eldest DDs would kick up a fuss, both are extremely active, lift weights and small sizes. Whereas their Partners only stand up/move when they have to.

The 'eating for two', saying started because otherwise they wouldn't get enough food to sustain pregnancy and BF.

""but if I was dishing up seconds I would absolutely encourage the men to have it first and if eating with a man always serve him a larger portion, ""

That's bizarre unless you know their calorie/nutritional intake in detail.

The interesting thing being that men need feeding up while actually there are more overweight men than women in the UK 🤔

Yes, quite.

I was once working on a project with a strict deadline, and in the final days before it was due to be submitted my team was working all hours, including through lunch breaks. My (female) manager used to actively send away the men to get food for themselves, saying things like 'no man should have to work on an empty stomach'.

The women, however, were expected to just get on with it.

Patronising, archaic rubbish.

It's one thing to ask your kids if they want more food, but when you have friends, is it really necessary to interrupt all conversation to ask them how much food they want, and to draw attention on the amount they want? Just let people help themselves!

That's what I do. The other poster didn't have room to put it all out. So just likes to guess what people want based on size and then expects them to eat it all because otherwise it would be wasteful. In that scenario it is better to ask.

Ideally, there would be enough food for everyone, but if I was dishing up seconds I would absolutely encourage the men to have it first

"do you consider yourself to be a good host?"

In an informal way, yes, but I suppose it's up to my guests to decide.

I'd guess that about half of them think yes, about half of them think no...

Gwen, do you also hold with the men being given the 'best bits' then and the women given the bits the men don't want? Because that is what is coming across here.

I dish up less for myself than I do for my DP. My mum dishes up in order: DB (most), DP, DF, Me, DM. Because that's how much food we need, through trial and error of who always leaves food (me) and who always wants seconds (DB, who eats my leftovers!).

But if I were to get a chicken thigh instead of breast, or not given yorkshires while the men got them I'd be incandescent. Yorkshires are the best bit and I don't like chicken thigh anywhere near as much as breast. Just because I am a woman, I eat less than my 6ft 4 DB, but although I eat less food I still deserve to eat NICE food.

I have some 'We'll Eat Again' type cookbooks where old WW2 recipes are printed out and some of the background shared. One is a Ministry of Food poster showing a young lass and a large, strapping bloke. The caption underneath said, 'She needs her protein just as much as he does.'

There were lots of leaflets to make sure that women and children got their fair share.

I am a bit of a feeder when it comes to entertaining. If it's just every day meals then I do normal portions but if guests come and can leave at a walk faster than a waddle I feel like I have failed. You don't invite someone around and give them half a plate, not unless it's dire circumstances.

Gwen - you do offer someone a cup of tea when they come round, don't you?

My late MIL didn't offer a cup of tea to a visitor. I couldn't cope with that. If I was there and a visitor called I would have to sit on my hands to not ask, 'tea or coffee?' It was a form of torture.

Gwen - you do offer someone a cup of tea when they come round, don't you?

A lady must make do with with a second go on the teabag used by her husband. Anything else would be greedy.

ShoutOutToMyEx and is it in a man's cup or a ladies' cup? Is it china with flowers or pottery with stripes?

Lisa a cup?! Christ no. That's far too much, don't you know how fattening tea is? Ladies should sip from a thimble, or failing that go and lap up water from a puddle outside.

My mil told me I only needed to eat 1 biscuit. Wtf. No one tells you how many biscuits to eat.

Gwen are you OPs MIL?
OP Yanbu, 2 roasties isn't worth sitting down for.

There is just so much wrong with this attitude, but I think the thing that irritates me most is the implication that the things men do are just so much more IMPORTANT than the things women do, so much so that they need extra food and strength to carry them out.

"Gwen, do you also hold with the men being given the 'best bits' then and the women given the bits the men don't want? Because that is what is coming across here."

No, as a lapsed vegetarian, I don't even know what the best bits are (as mentioned earlier about the chicken) and wouldn't serve meat to any guests anyway. I'm talking about the quantity of food.

"Of course it's fair. It's fair because they NEEDED more food. They weren't just being greedy.

How is that for anyone else to decide but the person eating?!"

What? The person eating had decided. They had asked for more food and the staff got used to it and started offering it.

"If you want extra food, in a canteen, you PAY for it! "

There was no facility to pay for it as it came with the rent.