MIL enforced diet - I know IANBU, but I need to vent!

[winobaglady]

My in laws are lovely, I enjoy visiting them. We see them about every 3 months for a long weekend.

But oh man, at mealtimes.... she cooks a lovely dinner, dishing up tasty treats from her kitchen, but... why oh why does my DH and my FIL get 4 or 5 juicy slices of chicken breast and she dishes me and her 1 bit of breast and a thigh? Hos come the boys get 4 roast potatoes and the girls get 2? Same with veg, and desert.

And wine, if DH has a second glass - well "that''s boys". If I manage to get a second glass it's "now, you don't want to overdo it".

Argh! Just. Why?

"the guidelines say that men need more calories because traditionally a) they're usually bigger and b) did more manual jobs. "

No, it's because of muscle mass or other biological differences. Just like how men can drink more than women - it's not just size.

"You are projecting your own food issues onto other people."

This shows how overeating has become normalised. I don't have food issues. I'm aware that restaurant portions are too big, at least for me so I'm learning to stop eating when I'm full even though it goes against society's 'rule' that you should finish your plate. That's a healthy attitude to food, not an unhealthy one.

There is growing evidence that calorie requirements variation between people is significantly affected by fidgeting, or not. Not just male/female or exercise level.

This article suggests that fidgeting could use up to 350 calories a day. That is more than the recommended difference in calorie intake between men and women for the same activity level.

So a twitchy woman could eat more calories than a non-twitchy man without getting overweight.

In other words: don't police something that you can't be certain about.

"Portion size is not just about being male or female but about being appropriate to the exercise someone undertakes as well. It isn't just "men need more"."

Yes, men need more is a generalisation. It's not true in some circumstances like the one where the person is going to work in the fields for 14 hours, but it's true IN GENERAL. That's not really what we're arguing about though, posters are claiming women should have the same portions as men all the time.

"a twitchy woman could eat more calories than a non-twitchy man without getting overweight. "

Yes, but the MIL is this case doesn't have to be the one to supply those 350 calories. She's not 'policing' what the OP eats. She doesn't stop her eating whatever she wants at other times, she just gives more to the men from the food that she's serving.

"How about if you have guests"

I've answered this upthread Lisa.

Don't you have a problem with the sexism Gwen?

This shows how overeating has become normalised. I don't have food issues. I'm aware that restaurant portions are too big, at least for me so I'm learning to stop eating when I'm full even though it goes against society's 'rule' that you should finish your plate. That's a healthy attitude to food, not an unhealthy one.

No it doesn't. Someone without food issues does not stuff themselves until they've finished every morsel on the plate. That is what you do which is why you are 'training yourself' otherwise. Jeez does everything need to be spelled out?

But like I said this isn't a new friend, a one time host, or a meal with strangers.

MIL is family. She should know the OP and feed her according to her tastes. That's being a good host. Knowing two of your guests have similar appetites and feeding one more than the other is rude regardless of the presence or absence of penises.

posters are claiming women should have the same portions as men all the time

No. Posters are pointing out that there are many valid reasons that women may want/need to eat the same portion size as men, and that these reasons are not outlying anomalies but actually quite common.

Thus giving lie to the suggestion that men "normally" eat more than women.

Thus making it rude to offer men more in a social setting.

posters are claiming women should have the same portions as men all the time

No they are not. They are claiming that you should not automatically treat men and women differently. You should adapt to the circumstances/wishes of the particular people in front of you. Or leave people to serve themselves.

Actually I think you should damn well let adults decide how much food they want on their plates. I might qualify for someone with an eating disorder or who was morbidly obese but I certainly wouldn't try to tell someone - even someone shock horror a bit overweight - that they should have a smaller plateful.

"Someone without food issues does not stuff themselves until they've finished every morsel on the plate."

Basicbrown, I disagree. Finish your plate was definitely said when I was growing up and one of the posters here has admitted she still says it. When I eat out all my friends do it too and I've had a friend tell me off for 'wasting'. I agree that I shouldn't finish my plate even when I'm full, but it's a societal thing, it doesn't mean I have issues myself.

" I think you should damn well let adults decide how much food they want on their plates. "

We've been over this so many times. They obviously don't have serving bowls on the table for whatever reason so the hostess is dishing up for everyone. I don't know if she's doing it at the dinner table or in the kitchen and then bringing it out.

"Thus giving lie to the suggestion that men "normally" eat more than women. "

So you are denying that men normally eat more than women???

Surely the solution is to give everyone the same measly amount to everyone, then?

the hostess is dishing up for everyone. I don't know if she's doing it at the dinner table or in the kitchen and then bringing it out.

She can still ask though surely? That's what I do if serving. "Who wants big, who wants medium, who wants small" or "How hungry are you feeling" usually do the job.

Me too Navy. Inherited from my mother who does the same...

Then you're no better Navy and minipie. My grandmother did that - gave food as a way of showing affection rather than just to feed people.

I think it's better to give people too much than too little. At least with too much they can simply leave some (not everyone has your issues).

Obviously I try to give people the right amount though, which is why I ask them how much they want. It isn't rocket science.

I agree that I shouldn't finish my plate even when I'm full

but we are back to allowing people to put the food they want on their own plate! My kids are told to finish their plate, but they are also told to put ONE slice of pizza on their plate, not 5. (bad example, but the easiest to illustrate my point). They can have another only after they finish the first one if they are still hungry. They can also ask for half a slice if one is too much.

The whole point of not wasting food and finishing your plate is not to over eat because someone has cram your plate with half a chicken/ 6 potatoes/ 2 yorkshire puddings/ a bowl peas etc...

I hate full plates, especially in the evening. If I eat too much, I can't sleep because my stomach hurts.
I think it's worst to over feeding your guest than under feeding them. If you are still hungry when you go home, you can always have a snack.

What's wrong with wanting to give people nice food because you like them?

I have cooked a chickpea and aubergine curry for my lot this evening. I hope they like it. I shan't feel unloved if they don't eat it but I will be pleased if they do. DD1 is coping with Y11 and GCSEs at the moment and wasn't well yesterday. I would like her to have a nice tea. And I'd like her sister to have one too, not least because DD2 likes food and cooking. (Both of them are thin, before you ask: DD2 is tiny.)

Finish your plate was definitely said when I was growing up and one of the posters here has admitted she still says it. When I eat out all my friends do it too and I've had a friend tell me off for 'wasting'. I agree that I shouldn't finish my plate even when I'm full, but it's a societal thing, it doesn't mean I have issues myself

No its an issue that YOU have. I don't have that issue. Many other people don't have that issue. You are in denial.