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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL enforced diet - I know IANBU, but I need to vent!

301 replies

winobaglady · 02/03/2017 18:28

My in laws are lovely, I enjoy visiting them. We see them about every 3 months for a long weekend.

But oh man, at mealtimes.... she cooks a lovely dinner, dishing up tasty treats from her kitchen, but... why oh why does my DH and my FIL get 4 or 5 juicy slices of chicken breast and she dishes me and her 1 bit of breast and a thigh? Hos come the boys get 4 roast potatoes and the girls get 2? Same with veg, and desert.

And wine, if DH has a second glass - well "that''s boys". If I manage to get a second glass it's "now, you don't want to overdo it".

Argh! Just. Why?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2017 10:26

"Really, the food should be on serving bowls on the table and people should help themselves."

Not everyone has massive tables to facilitate this and it makes no sense with certain kinds of food that are best dished up and then brought to the table.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2017 10:29

"I do everyone's the same."

That's a bit silly if someone doesn't like much of something and another wants more.

rollonthesummer · 05/03/2017 10:31

I'd be a bit pissed off that my DH hadn't nipped this in the bud with his mother, to be honest!

haveacupoftea · 05/03/2017 10:33

Gwen, of course I don't know, I am presuming based on the fact the men get the more prized parts of the chicken and the women get the cheaper legs and bits. The MIL doesn't know OP prefers leg, she gives it to her anyway. And even if it were a weight issue, it's still extremely rude. You should never dole up portion sizes according to what you think someone else deserves to eat based on their size!

Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2017 11:10

"You should never dole up portion sizes according to what you think someone else deserves to eat based on their size!"

Completely disagree. The average man needs more food than the average woman, who needs more food than the average child (teenage boys aside). It would be extremely wasteful to give everyone exactly the same amount of food then have to give seconds to the bigger people and throw away what was on the smaller people's plates.

I didn't know about certain bits of chicken meat being more prized than others. Is this universally acknowledged?

carefreeeee · 05/03/2017 11:10

Men do eat more than women though....

motherinferior · 05/03/2017 11:20

I knew the minute I started reading this thread that people would pile in accusing you of being unreasonable in - heaven forfend - wanting a reasonable amount of food on your plate and saying This Is Why We Have An Obesity Crisis, all these dreadful women wanting more than two roast potatoes....

OP, of course you are not being bloody unreasonable in objecting to this division of food according to who's got a Y chromosome or not.

Original poster
winobaglady · 05/03/2017 11:29

Just to pop this thread into the dishwasher - mentioned it to DH, who was sort of aware and had given me stuff off his plate before.

He has promised faithfully to fill my wine glass first (no, I don't have a problem, I just love good wine) and to be more alert to portion sizes.

WineWine Wine

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2017 11:54

"wanting a reasonable amount of food on your plate "

She's wanting a man's portion. That's not reasonable.

haveacupoftea · 05/03/2017 11:56

Yes Gwen it is universally acknowledged, you can get about 20 chicken legs for £2, breast meat is much more expensive. Are you always so bloody obtuse?

Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2017 12:06

I don't eat whole bits of chicken so wouldn't know. Still we don't know this particular MIL's motivation and there are posters on here arguing that women should eat the same as men from a calorific point of view, not just one of the value of the food.

motherinferior · 05/03/2017 12:08

Yes, she wants the same amount of food as a man. Perhaps she likes food. And likes chicken. And frankly apportioning other people's food according to your opinion as to how much food they should have is appallingly rude.

motherinferior · 05/03/2017 12:11

It's not particularly 'should eat the same as a man', more: don't bloody decide for another adult how much you think they should eat!

Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2017 12:15

"apportioning other people's food according to your opinion as to how much food they should have is appallingly rude."

It's the norm for children and traditionally also between men and women. Would you consider it rude to offer seconds to a 15 year old boy and give a toddler a small amount of food? Is it some kind of misguided feminism that makes you think men and women should eat the same amount?

Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2017 12:17

"don't bloody decide for another adult how much you think they should eat!"

MIL is not deciding how much OP should eat, she's deciding how much food she's giving her in her own house. She hasn't stopped OP bringing her own food in if she wants more or prevented her eating what she wants at her own house.

Thefitfatty · 05/03/2017 12:22

YANBU OP. Thankfully my MIL doesn't do this, but if she did I would be upset. My MIL loves to put on a spread (and she's quite good at it), so generally I don't eat much for breakfast and I have no lunch on days I know we are going to there's. In anticipation of a big meal. So I would easily have as much as DH, because he's usually eaten more than me throughout the day. (That's at the people saying its unreasonable to expect a woman to eat the same amount as a man).

motherinferior · 05/03/2017 12:23

And you can't see it's presenting the OP to ask for another slice, or for a second glass of wine?

It's not 'misguided feminism' to think it's not particularly the norm to serve women half what you serve men. And also this is about hospitality and welcome. It is the norm to offer guests in your house a generous amount of food and drink, in pretty well all cultures.

Pannalash · 05/03/2017 12:25

Gwen

'a man's portion' Really, so men are all the same size? The 1950's are alive and well.

PickledCauliflower · 05/03/2017 12:50

The average bloke is bigger than the average woman - that is true enough so they usually need more calories.
That is not written in stone though, there are some very small framed inactive men around, as there are taller very active women. I wouldn't decide as a host, who deserves to have what.

I generally eat less than my husband, but we also eat in a different way. He has a large breakfast and lunch, doesn't eat a big meal in the evening but snacks. I eat very little during the day, but like a big evening meal.
And if there is wine on the go, I like a fair bit of that as well!

If I went to a relatives house, and the host decided I was having a small evening meal (and rationed the wine as I was female), I would be pissed off.

AgeingArtemis · 05/03/2017 12:52

The average man needs more food than the average woman, who needs more food than the average child (teenage boys aside)

Why teenage BOYS though? Teenage girls need quite a lot of food too! On average teenage boys will need a bit more than girls, but a teenage girl (particularly if active) will need more food than her mother, and probably her father too.

It reminds me of something I noticed recently online (when researching safe levels of iron supplementation). Men need something like 8-12 miligrams of iron per day, and on average get 18mg, so plenty. Women (of menstruating age) need 18mg, but on average only get 13mg per day, and as a consequence mild anaemia is practically epidemic in women. I think this is party down to women eating less meat than men (and filling up on carbs) whereas actually young women are the ones who need that big juicy steak more than the menfolk

PickledCauliflower · 05/03/2017 12:53

I mean, what next? BMI measurements before sitting down for a meal?

A good host makes sure that everyone is well fed, and without the pressure of expecting those with smaller appetites to fill up.

LucklessMonster · 05/03/2017 13:00

She's wanting a man's portion. That's not reasonable.

You're making yourself look really silly in this thread.

acornsandnuts · 05/03/2017 13:02

I was in a discussion with ILs about how rarely we eat good steak due to costs with a family of four near adults. She honestly looked confused and asked why I wouldn't only buy DH the steak and we could eat burgers, Yeah right.
She also not only serves smaller portions but gives all the women plates slightly bigger than a tea plate while the men have regular dinner plates. DH ALWAYS puts more on my plate and asks if I want a bigger plate but she has never got the hint.

And generally I do eat less than DH as I'm smaller and less active but at a family get together I choose to loosen the belt buckle and go for what ever I want once in a while. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Basicbrown · 05/03/2017 13:16

Gwen It's pretty simple. You ask adults how much they want if for some reason you have to serve the portions up. You give equal access to food for all so they can decide themselves. You don't decide that because someone has a vagina they automatically have the appetite of a sparrow and thinks all the prime cuts should go to those with penises. And if someone who is overweight wants to eat too large a portion it is their decision....!

blackteasplease · 05/03/2017 13:20

Gwen your posts are shocking me as much as the MIL's awful actions.

I always think equal meat (if that's considered the best bit as it is in our house) and then the bigger people get more potatoes and veg or whatever to fill up on. Not for my toddler ds, who clearly wouldn't eat as much, but I think stbxh (complicated as to why he would be there!), male au pair (or female au pair when we had one) pre pubescent dd and I all "deserve" equal meat.

I usually serve kids first, starting with toddler to shut him up. But I might well give dd the best bits or the most red meat as she needs it.

Don't pubescent and pre pubescent girls have the highest need for iron of anyone? And women and children need more iron than men, don't they?