Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell the parents that he's been putting a bit of pressure on her?

103 replies

ShallITellThem · 25/02/2017 18:52

Friends of 14yo DD. They've been 'going out' for some months. Very innocent, afaik. Girl is 13 (and a half), very innocent. Boy is just 15. He's a lovely lad.

DD told me that their texting had ramped up a bit and he asked a couple of inappropriate questions (which she didn't answer), one of which being had she ever 'sent a picture to anyone of her in her underwear?'. The girl felt very uncomfortable. They then were doing a text message 'truth or dare' and the girl felt that the boy was trying to coaxe her into a 'dare' situation whereby she disclosed quite intimate details about herself.

Girl is very uncomfortable, but insistent that she doesn't want to tell parents (which is what DD advised). DD pointed out that she should be able to firmly draw boundaries about what she's comfortable with. Girl said she didn't want to be 'not polite'. Hmm

I've given advice to DD, and feel that if I interfered by telling either mum (both of whom I know well), I might do more harm than good, regarding trust of my DD to confide in me, and girl's trust in DD to keep a confidence. I'd rather she told me this stuff so I knew what was going on.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShallITellThem · 27/02/2017 15:35

Thanks for the kind comments. Smile

I was wrong about the boy's age - he's not yet 15, so there's a year's difference between them.

Have spoken to the girl and told her that I need to tell both mums. She was ok about it. Also gave her a little pep talk on how politeness never ever takes precedence over your own personal boundaries and safety.

Have spoken to the boy's mum and shown her the screenshots. I'll tell the girl's mum in the next couple of days. Have told DD that I'm very proud of her for having the maturity to recognise that something needed to be done and for telling me.

I've sent that NSPCC link to DD and had her forward it on to her friend. Thank you for that.

OP posts:
Libitina · 27/02/2017 15:46

OP, your daughter sounds amazing. She must get it from you. I'm so happy she felt able to talk to you.

FuzzyFalafelz · 27/02/2017 16:39

Well done!!!

Mynestisfullofempty · 27/02/2017 16:46

I'm so glad you've done that, OP. How did the boy's mother react?

Octuscactus · 27/02/2017 16:47

Great job!

What did the boy's mum say?

Original poster
ShallITellThem · 27/02/2017 17:59

She's going to talk to his father and then to the boy. She's talked to him about consent before, but says she obviously needs to have that conversation again. I think she feels that it's fairly normal exploration and feelings to have at that age. She did acknowledge, though, that the phrasing of the messages was putting pressure on the girl. She was glad that I'd told her what was going on. She did know that the two of them are 'going out' (quotation marks because they're never really alone together, so it's a very innocent thing except for these messages!), which the mum of the girl isn't aware of, I don't think.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/02/2017 05:27

Well done! You've handled this extremely well!!

FuzzyFalafelz · 28/02/2017 06:54

Mmmm.... I wonder if the mum isn't aware of the law around taking/storing/forwarding indecent images of underage children. It might be worth sending both parents the nspcc link for parental guidance.

FuzzyFalafelz · 28/02/2017 06:55

I think she might minimise without realising how serious things could potentially get.

RedHelenB · 28/02/2017 08:31

He's a child too, presumably just one school year ahead in age Fuzzy.

PoorYorick · 28/02/2017 08:37

I think a few people have been minimising, actually. I know he is also a child but as I said before, he's old enough to know better and certainly old enough to be corrected and be told the potential penalties of this if he doesn't stop before he grows up. (Contrary to hysterical belief, I have not suggested he be sent to the Tower.)

Urging women of any age to send sexual pictures when they're not comfortable with it is serious, and even more so when that person is underage, even if you are underage too. Stating this, though, is apparently bad for men's PR and that's more serious than children sexting. (Can't believe I'm supposed to feel sorry for boys feeling 'pressured to be sexual' and therefore the victims when they push girls to send them naked pictures. Where do you even start with this level of inanity?)

But good on OP for taking action, that's brilliant to hear. Hopefully important lessons will be learned all round.

RedHelenB · 28/02/2017 08:43

Like it or not secondary school aged kids send nude pics to each other and often they do the rounds. Just as underage sex happens. It's not minimising it but it is a different category from an adult coercing a child into sex/to send nude images.

PoorYorick · 28/02/2017 08:46

Like it or not, all sorts of awful things happen every day that we'll never be able to stop completely, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't take action where we see it happening. Especially when we could potentially prevent it from becoming an adult coercing a child situation in the future.

RedHelenB · 28/02/2017 08:51

No I agree that the OP should have told the parents what was going on but I think its a bit naive to think sexual exploration will wait until they pass 16.

Octuscactus · 28/02/2017 08:51

PoorYorick

I totally agree with you. Some type of people like to minimise and normalize serious behaviour like underage sex and nude picture "in rounds". I don't think a one moment conversation will solve anything. You should be talking regularly about that so your kids are prepared and aware. Not one in a life time when something might happen.

RedHelenB · 28/02/2017 09:00

Its not a matter of normalising it, it is what happens in secondary schools!

PoorYorick · 28/02/2017 09:03

RedHelen, nobody has suggested that kids don't explore their sexuality! I'm just saying that a young boy who pressures girls to send him nude or nearly nude pictures needs a very firm message about why that's wrong, and possibly to be told about what could happen if he does this once he's an adult!

From this I have been told that I can't possibly have a son (I have, but if I hadn't, why would that invalidate my opinion?), that I want the kid on the sex offenders' register, that I hate men, that he's the victim because he's 'pressured to be sexual' (presumably victimised by top shelf magazines and an internet awash with porn, neither of which affect girls, apparently) and a whole load of similar guff.

And it sounds to me like a foreshadowing of what we see on the Relationships board all the time; 'he can be so nice', 'it's my fault really', and all the rest of it. Yes, he's a child and those are adults, but presumably the adults learned at some point that this was acceptable behaviour. Could it have been during their highly formative teen years?

It frankly terrifies me that taking a firm stance on pressuring children to sext results in such hysterical inanity and it makes me see, sadly, where these sorts of attitudes have their roots.

PoorYorick · 28/02/2017 09:05

Well truanting, bullying and smoking in the toilets happens at secondary schools but most of us agree that we should be taking steps to try to stop it!

Octuscactus · 28/02/2017 09:30

Well truanting, bullying and smoking in the toilets happens at secondary schools but most of us agree that we should be taking steps to try to stop it!

That!

Basicbrown · 28/02/2017 10:07

Yes the idea that because something happens it shouldn't be tackled.... If this was the case then we would have a society that thinks that rape is entirely the woman's fault (victorian times) and racism/ homophobic abuse is perfectly acceptable.

I couldn't disagree more tbh. Yes it is a new problem, yes it happens but it needs to be prevented/ stopped as far as is possible.

Original poster
ShallITellThem · 28/02/2017 16:52

I met the girl's mum today and told her. She didn't know anything about them being boyfriend/girlfriend, so it was a double shock to find that that's been going on for a couple of months (and other people have known), and to see the content of the messages (I showed her the screenshots). Sad

I feel awful now that I didn't tell them as soon as DD told me. Blush I should have told the girl's mum as soon as I knew that she was going out with the boy, too, I guess? It's difficult at this age; they are entitled to a degree of privacy and if DD tells me something in confidence, I don't want to go bleating it straight to the parents. I kind of assumed that the girl would tell her mum anyway. When the boy asked her out, he told her not to tell anyone, apparently. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ShallITellThem · 28/02/2017 16:58

I mean I assumed she'd tell her mum that she was going out with him, not that I assumed she'd tell her about the inappropriate messages.

OP posts:
FuzzyFalafelz · 28/02/2017 17:08

Red - it's illegal to share/take/store sexual images of children. Being a child does not make an illegal thing legal.

FuzzyFalafelz · 28/02/2017 17:14

The main thing is that you've told the mum so don't worry too much about the delay.

Swipe left for the next trending thread