AIBU to not tell the parents that he's been putting a bit of pressure on her?

[ShallITellThem]

Friends of 14yo DD. They've been 'going out' for some months. Very innocent, afaik. Girl is 13 (and a half), very innocent. Boy is just 15. He's a lovely lad.

DD told me that their texting had ramped up a bit and he asked a couple of inappropriate questions (which she didn't answer), one of which being had she ever 'sent a picture to anyone of her in her underwear?'. The girl felt very uncomfortable. They then were doing a text message 'truth or dare' and the girl felt that the boy was trying to coaxe her into a 'dare' situation whereby she disclosed quite intimate details about herself.

Girl is very uncomfortable, but insistent that she doesn't want to tell parents (which is what DD advised). DD pointed out that she should be able to firmly draw boundaries about what she's comfortable with. Girl said she didn't want to be 'not polite'.

I've given advice to DD, and feel that if I interfered by telling either mum (both of whom I know well), I might do more harm than good, regarding trust of my DD to confide in me, and girl's trust in DD to keep a confidence. I'd rather she told me this stuff so I knew what was going on.

AIBU?

... and I agree with people who say that your DD told you because, at least subconsciously, she want you to do something to help.

My dd is 13 and I'd be upset/furious if I found that an adult who I 'knew well' had known my dd was out of her depth or struggling with something like this.

Does the 13 year olds mother know she is 'going out' with a 15 year old? It sounds like you have a great relationship with your dd but not everyone does. I'd worry that I knew things about her dd that she didn't.

Actually, the more I think about this, the more abhorrent it is.

An almost adult (because he is, like it or not) is harassing a 13 yr old (a child, like it or not) for photographs of herself in her underwear and she doesn't want to be impolite?

On reflection, yes, I'd go to the school.

He needs a good reality check before this gets way out of hand.

Tell the school pastoral team so it can remain anonymous. They both basicly need to know the law about sharing/storing/taking photos of underage kids. This topic could be delt with with PSE or assembly.

I trust the OP that this boy is normally a 'lovely lad'. Please let us not crassly over simplify him as a predatory monster. Boys are under just as much pressure to behave sexually inappropriately as girls and they are under huge pressure to ask for sexual images.

Unfortunately , it has become a normalised expectation of courtship amongst young people to the extent that they state it is a part of dating...

That does not make it OK but the boy needs educating just as much as the girl.

Some schools will call in the police under these circumstances (if an image ahs been sent , received and distributed).

I think you MUST pass this on OP to protect BOTH children. And I agree that is really what your DD wants you to do.

I leave it up to you as to whether you inform parents or school : I'd go for parents if you know them well enough.

He's a lovely lad....the girl felt that the boy was trying to coaxe her into a 'dare' situation whereby she disclosed quite intimate details about herself.

I'm starting to see where the ubiquitous "he can be so lovely", "he's a good father", "he's not like that all the time" thing comes from. As well as male entitlement.

Good God, a child is being pressured to sext and you wonder if you should do something? I know legally he's a child too but he's old enough to know better and he's certainly old enough to be very very firmly corrected before this goes any further. Yes tell the parents and tell the school, perhaps even tell the police so he can have a nice mano a mano discussion about why good men don't pressure women (children) for sex and sexual pictures.

ps having reread your OP carefully, my instinct would be to begin with the boy's parents and nip his activity in the bud.

Imagine if your daughter was the girl involved and her best friend's mum kept this from you. How would you feel?

I would tell the girl's parents and the boy's parents (as the mother of a DS I would most definitely want to know what he'd been doing). And explain to my DD that confidences can't be kept if someone else is at risk. You are an adult that knows a child is being pressured. You have a duty to step in. Inform the parents though, don't put this solely on the school's plate. While schools do act on information like this, it's the parents who should be doing the parenting! The 13yr old girl's parents can tell the school if they want. Unless you know that the parents of either child are not sufficiently able to parent, in which case tell school yourself.

Boys are under huge pressure to be sexual too. Yes, he is absolutely wrong in this situation and must be stopped. As a mother of boys I don't want to think that this could be one of my DSs in this situation but if it was (through pressure/bullying by others, through stupidity or through malice) I would want to know so I could deal with his behaviour pronto.

Tell the police??! Good grief! They will not act until a crime has been committed anyway but this seems very heavy handed!!! No parents of boys on here then. Or has this just awoken the 'all men are entitled monsters' brigade...

These children have been going out for a few months. I am assuming he cares for the girl but has misplaced ideas of what moving up a stage might mean. He needs educating and mentoring and nurturing.

ime police don't really do Mano a mano chats any more. They can be quite heavy handed and I wouldn't imagine PPs really want to see this lad on the sex offenders register?

Relationships are a minefield theses days for teenagers. I am so glad I am not a teenager now.

Boys are under huge pressure to be sexual too. Yes, he is absolutely wrong in this situation and must be stopped. As a mother of boys I don't want to think that this could be one of my DSs in this situation but if it was (through pressure/bullying by others, through stupidity or through malice) I would want to know so I could deal with his behaviour pronto.

This

I think your DD has told you for a reason - its not over coffee random chatter, she is worried about her friend. If it was nothing/ stuff that went on all the time then you wouldn't have been told. At that age 13/ 15 is a significant age gap, she is very young and her parents have the right to know if you know.

The police absolutely will become involved if they are told.

We had a 14 yr old and a 16 yr old about to have sex on a school trip. The owner of the establishment we were in caught them and called the police. Both students were interviewed and had the frighteners put on them before being sent home by the school.

Heavy handed? No, teaching 14 yr olds that they can say no, and teaching 16 yr olds that they risk prosecution.

If this was happening to my dd,and an adult friend of mine knew ,and didn't tell me....they would be no friend of mine when I found out

Vintage - I still think there are other options available first which the OP should explore. These children don't need the frighteners as a first approach. No pictures have been sent yet.

This does vary from area to area - in my area police could not do anything at this stage. I am a safeguarding lead so I am not talking out of my backside.

Vintage - it wasn't the school that phoned the police though was it? I don't think you would have done. You would have done the chat, reported it to your safeguarding lead to follow up later and sent them home. The police bit was the proprietor's choice.

Anyway, that aside, I think the OP should tell parents. They can then decide whether they need the help of professionals.

So am I.

Which is why I was on the trip in the first place and why we were happy for the police to deal. In our area, and our school, they are almost the first port of call. Especially when there appears to have been coercion. In our case, there hadn't been. The 14 yr old was more pissed off with us than the 16 yr old tbh.

X post. I am the safeguarding lead.

What would I have done had the proprietor not intervened? Dunno. It's a tough one where all too often, even in positions of trust and responsibility we can tend to downplay stuff and assign terminology that belittles the situation (like the "naughty pic" comment upthread)

I don't know. I probably wouldn't, I guess. But I think maybe I would have done the wrong thing in that case.

Anyway, sorry for me-rail. I'd go to the school.

13yr old's parent's 'shall, I am so worried, X has been sending naked photos to Y.'
Shall 'Oh yeah, I knew all about that'
13yd old parent ''

Why wouldn't you want to protect a 13 year old is the question?

Ok Vinatge - all fine. You must have more proactive police by you! There has been quite a lot in the education news about the police back pedalling on heavy handed placement of 15/16 year old boys on sex offenders register.

I agree that 'naughty pics' needs to be stamped out, along with 'child pornography' as terms!

Sorry should have written Vintage

Tell the police??! Good grief! They will not act until a crime has been committed anyway

I'm not suggesting they charge, for God's sake. I'm suggesting they might speak to him to explain where this kind of thing can go in the future and what the penalties can be.

No parents of boys on here then.

Wrong. And irrelevant. But why do you think parents of boys wouldn't want boys to be taught how to treat women?

Or has this just awoken the 'all men are entitled monsters' brigade...

Wrong again, nobody has suggested anything of the kind. But if you don't think there's an enormous culture of minimising appalling male behaviour with "he can be so nice", you need to spend some time (thirty seconds) on the Relationships board. Or you need to look right here, where a young girl is being sexually pressured yet you think men are the victims!

I wouldn't imagine PPs really want to see this lad on the sex offenders register?

You said yourself that nothing would happen until a crime had been committed, so I don't know where you get this from.

He is NOT almost an adult ffs. He is 15.

He may well be a 'lovely lad' (WTF with putting him the same catagory as an abusive husband). He may be a lovely lad who has never had any sort of guidance about consent, sexual relationships etc. Boys do not spring from the womb knowing about this stuff. They need an adult to help them.
The same as girls. We don't expect them to know all about right and wrong and relationships do we?

This sort of thing is sadly normal to many children. NOT their fault. They need education (as do we, clearly from this thread).

Its far to easy to demonise boys (boy, not man).

SHE needs to be protected and educated into how to deal with this. We know it will happen again.
HE needs to be protected and educated so HE doesn't do it again and understands why he shouldn't do it.

Or just write him off as a sexual predator now

or what Ilikebeans said.

The answer is so bloody obvious. You need to tell HER parents. This is not a joke and they will be glad you did tell them. Just go on past mumsnet thread and see that the majority of the mothers don't check their teenagers phones out of privacy. Please do something right!