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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell the parents that he's been putting a bit of pressure on her?

103 replies

ShallITellThem · 25/02/2017 18:52

Friends of 14yo DD. They've been 'going out' for some months. Very innocent, afaik. Girl is 13 (and a half), very innocent. Boy is just 15. He's a lovely lad.

DD told me that their texting had ramped up a bit and he asked a couple of inappropriate questions (which she didn't answer), one of which being had she ever 'sent a picture to anyone of her in her underwear?'. The girl felt very uncomfortable. They then were doing a text message 'truth or dare' and the girl felt that the boy was trying to coaxe her into a 'dare' situation whereby she disclosed quite intimate details about herself.

Girl is very uncomfortable, but insistent that she doesn't want to tell parents (which is what DD advised). DD pointed out that she should be able to firmly draw boundaries about what she's comfortable with. Girl said she didn't want to be 'not polite'. Hmm

I've given advice to DD, and feel that if I interfered by telling either mum (both of whom I know well), I might do more harm than good, regarding trust of my DD to confide in me, and girl's trust in DD to keep a confidence. I'd rather she told me this stuff so I knew what was going on.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kahlua4me · 27/02/2017 08:58

If it was my son, I would want to know.

RedHelenB · 27/02/2017 09:05

Just make sure your dd encourages her friend to say no to nude pics - they do the rounds at school and the outcome is never good.

notapizzaeater · 27/02/2017 09:06

Agree if it was my son (or daughter) I'd want to know, then I could educate my children, it's a scary workd out there and all children need teaching the rules

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2017 09:09

My dd knows there are certain things, which must be discussed with other adults. I think this is one of those times.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 27/02/2017 09:22

TheFirstMrsDV 08:31 - thank you for writing what I was thinking, only put much better. Teenage boys deserve as much education and support as teenage girls in sex education matters. It might need to be communicated differently but needs to happen and keep happening.

A comment above referred to the police being concerned about young teeage boys being placed on the sex offenders register. I am pleased to hear that concern being expressed. It is an action that has severe consequences whereas better education and openness might have avoided the issue happening in the first place.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 27/02/2017 09:25

I was going to answer you Yorick but MrsDV said it all.

The police went through a phase of not 'just talking' to teenage bboys and routinely placing them on sex offenders regsier - badsed on some interpreatation of government guidleines. They have admitted this was heavy handed.

I just think there are better ways of dealing with this - like talking to either parents or school first. School can then make the police decision as professionals.

I don't think my comment about parents of boys is irrelevant. it is easy to demonise boys as sexually depraved predators until you have one or know a lot and see the amount of peer pressure they too are under. OP knows the boy and says he is lovely. Misguided, yes . Can still be lovely - and, if lovely, will appreciate any education and help sooner rather than later, embarrassed as he no doubt will be.

Both children deserve the same care.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 27/02/2017 09:27

Scuse typos - computer playing me up !

sonjadog · 27/02/2017 09:31

Yes, you should tell the girl´s parents and let them deal with it from there. Don´t tell the police - that would be a massive overreaction.

dowhatnow · 27/02/2017 09:49

Tbh the parents of a 13 year old should already be having concerns about her going out with a 15 year old. The age gap is too big. A 15 year old boy is going to be thinking about sex a lot - hopefully not acting on it, but I think it is naive of the 13 year olds parents not to be discussing these very pressures with her.
If I knew the parents well, I would talk to them about it and ask them to keep my child's name out of it and ask them to talk to their son/daughter in general terms about resisting pressure/pressurising. If I didn't know the parents I would try to give my child the words to use to persuade their friend themselves. I wouldn't approach strange aquanitances but I would talk to parents if I know them as friends.

katronfon · 27/02/2017 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AristotlesTrousers · 27/02/2017 10:00

Please tell somebody about this OP.

When I was a teenager, I was coerced into sex acts with a boy and sexually assaulted several times (the difference being we were both the same age and older than your DD - which makes your DD's friend's situation even worse).

I could never tell anybody because everybody thought that he was a 'lovely lad' and I was the one who was a monster for letting him see me visibly upset (apparently I was 'emotionally blackmailing' him Hmm).

My experience of being sexually abused scarred me for life and if I ever found out that an adult had known or suspected anything and not done anything about it, I know I'd be distraught.

FurryLittleTwerp · 27/02/2017 10:06

I's tell DD that she has done the right thing in asking for help for her friend, but that you have to act on the information now that you have it.

Make sure she knows it is you breaking the confidence & not her responsibility.

I'd then speak to the friend initially (with DD there) & help her explain to her parents.

Original poster
ShallITellThem · 27/02/2017 10:09

DD has just shown me the screenshots the girl sent her. He was definitely pressuring her. I'm going to tell both mums. DD has read this thread and understands why we need to intervene.

OP posts:
FuzzyFalafelz · 27/02/2017 10:09

Could your daughter send both kids a link to the law around sharing/taking/storing images of underage. It's very clear!!

You could also speak to the school pastoral team

You could tell your DD the law around sexting. Then email the NSPCC parents advice link to all your friends with teen kids. Blanket email explaining about it being really useful guidance that everyone needs to share with their teen.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/sexting/

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 27/02/2017 10:12

Great OP - exactly what needs to be done, I think.

What a great mother -daughter relationship you have :)

paxillin · 27/02/2017 10:14

I'd tell both mums.

FannyDeFuzz · 27/02/2017 10:14

Tell her parents for Christ's sake. This was me at 13 with my 16 year old boyfriend. Naice lad at naice school. It escalated... ruined my teenage years and changed my life for ever.

FuzzyFalafelz · 27/02/2017 10:14

If you recognise that it is pressurising, you do have a duty of care as a responsible adult. Yes best to inform parents - their kids are vulnerable. But do email the them nspcc link above.

I'm sure your DD will eventually understand that it's in everyone's interest to tell the parents.

I know she might see it as a betrayal. But its also a lesson in doing the right thing/speaking up for the people you care about and love.

gingercoffee · 27/02/2017 10:16

If it was my daughter being pressured like this then I would want to know. Of course I understand that you want your dd to be able to come to you in the future and don't want to lose her trust.

However, to put it in perspective, if you worked in a school or childcare setting and this came up you would be obliged to share the information, as it's a safeguarding issue. And sexting between children is also illegal, (even if it's from one child to another). Also like others have already pointed out, once a photo is sent it can't be unsent or unseen, and countless people could then see it.

Your daughter sounds very sensible and mature, and It would be worth explaining this to her so that she can understand why this kind of secret is one that should not be kept. The nspcc has a very useful site about sexting, worth showing to your daughter and getting her to show to her friend. www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/sexting/

gingercoffee · 27/02/2017 10:17

Sorry, I just saw that the link has already been posted, should've read all of the messages!

thunderbuddy · 27/02/2017 10:20

I'm glad you are telling the Mums. A friend of the dc is in a similar situation and if it was mine I would want to know.

Makes me cross though. We seriously need to teach our girls that saying no to sex isn't being impolite Angry

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 27/02/2017 10:38

thunder - lots of agencies now want consent to be central to PSHE lessons. Unfortunately PSHE is usually not taught be experts, or even by particularly willing volunteers and has often also been presented over a period of years with rather unfortunately 'positive' as some might see it ,presentations of sex : certainly normalising ones, in all but the best of schools in terms of this aspect of education. It is also of course being squeezed out by academic pressures and budget cuts. Sigh. The materials and advice need constant updating too, which is a pressure. That's why these internet sites like Childline and NSPCC are so invaluable, I guess.

Not just a school's job, of course...but I think we all know that!

FurryLittleTwerp · 27/02/2017 10:38

you are doing the right thing Smile

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 27/02/2017 10:38

Which is why OP's DD is so lucky to have her!

AristotlesTrousers · 27/02/2017 10:47

Brilliant OP. You're a great mum! Star