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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell the parents that he's been putting a bit of pressure on her?

103 replies

ShallITellThem · 25/02/2017 18:52

Friends of 14yo DD. They've been 'going out' for some months. Very innocent, afaik. Girl is 13 (and a half), very innocent. Boy is just 15. He's a lovely lad.

DD told me that their texting had ramped up a bit and he asked a couple of inappropriate questions (which she didn't answer), one of which being had she ever 'sent a picture to anyone of her in her underwear?'. The girl felt very uncomfortable. They then were doing a text message 'truth or dare' and the girl felt that the boy was trying to coaxe her into a 'dare' situation whereby she disclosed quite intimate details about herself.

Girl is very uncomfortable, but insistent that she doesn't want to tell parents (which is what DD advised). DD pointed out that she should be able to firmly draw boundaries about what she's comfortable with. Girl said she didn't want to be 'not polite'. Hmm

I've given advice to DD, and feel that if I interfered by telling either mum (both of whom I know well), I might do more harm than good, regarding trust of my DD to confide in me, and girl's trust in DD to keep a confidence. I'd rather she told me this stuff so I knew what was going on.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PixieGrace · 25/02/2017 18:55

He doesn't sound like a lovely lad if he's pressurising a 13 year old I'm afraid. Personally I would let his parents know as I was forced into several things as a teenager by boys that wouldn't take no for an answer and it sickens me!

MajesticWhine · 25/02/2017 19:01

YANBU. Don't intervene. Unless parents are from another planet they will be aware that this is the sort of thing teens get up to, unfortunately, and should be looking out for their child. If you really think the girl is being exploited, rather than just uncomfortable, then maybe that's the time to say something.

Expatosaurus · 25/02/2017 19:13

Would she speak to you about it?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 25/02/2017 19:23

No he isn't a lovely lad at all Hmm
Personally I would encourage her to speak to her parents about it or tell her 'fuck off' is an entirely appropriate response to his requests.

MapMyMum · 25/02/2017 19:33

Could you get DD to tell her that HE is the one not being polite and her either ignoring said behaviour or refusing any questions/requests is not impolite. 13 is way too young to be dealing with this alone I feel. Could you speak to her parents in general terms about how she my need some advice and support on how to deal with boys of that age so they could approach the subject generally due to her age rather than being told of specific incidents. I dont feel saying her parents should be aware is a nice way of looking at it, if they are trying to approach her but she has deleted the offending texts etc then how are they to know. If a 13 yr old girl gets pressured into sex way before she's ready because of that attitude I think its very sad

Pollyanna9 · 25/02/2017 20:13

Get this on their phones - ready-made comebacks so they don't have time to think and be pressured - they just send one of these:
www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/sexting/zipit-app/

You could share this with your daughter who can also share it with this friend and it can be mentioned to other parents etc until it spreads virally (well, let's hope!) through the whole bunch! It comes from Childline so it's a safe app.

NancyJoan · 25/02/2017 20:19

My DD is only 11, so we're not quite there yet, but if this was happening to my DD, and another adult knew, I would expect to be told. Could you talk to someone at school? This is a safeguarding issue.

Pollyanna9 · 25/02/2017 20:25

I hate to be harbinger of doom here and I'm not saying it's happened to your DD (not at all) but to think that an 11 yr old will not have received any requests like this or been asked to text or sext or send images, just because of the age of 11, doesn't rule it out (sadly).

This starts VERY early in schools - in primary school. Children are getting sexualised much earlier, earlier than we realise so we CANNOT assume that at this age they aren't getting this, or being sent inappropriate texts or asked to sext.

NancyJoan · 25/02/2017 21:09

Thankfully she doesn't have a phone or email, so I can be sure. I understand your point, though.

TheSkyAtNight · 25/02/2017 21:36

It's a safeguarding issue. There's potential for a lot to go badly wrong here. Her parents need to know so they can support her.

DogMama89 · 27/02/2017 03:44

Are they all at the same school. I would nip in/call up/email and ask to speak with the safeguarding lead at the school. It's for the best. And they will be able to breach it very well.

KickAssAngel · 27/02/2017 04:41

You say that you'd rather your DD talk to you so that you know what's going on, but there's not much point if you don't then do anything about it. I know you've given DD some advice, but my DD is 13 1/2, and I would 100% expect to be told if an older child was pressuring her like that. She's a child who doesn't have the ability to defend herself. (And although older, he's also a child. You're doing him no favours if he thinks this behaviour is normal and OK.)

Talk to your DD, explain why you can't keep this to yourself, and then decide who best to speak to about this.

Some of the children falling out with each other is MUCH less serious than the possibility of her being sexually harassed and him facing criminal charges. The worst case scenarios of telling/not telling bare no comparison.

Crumbs1 · 27/02/2017 04:46

Tell the other parents and protect the children. Lad needs to know he could end up on sex offenders register. Girls need to know it's not OK and they must not do it. How are parents meant to provide support if they are unaware?

MutePoint · 27/02/2017 04:54

Would you want to know if adults knew this kind of pressure was being put on your DD?
I would.

LindyHemming · 27/02/2017 05:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/02/2017 05:13

I'd want to know if it was my DD or my DS so I could talk to them about how to conduct a healthy relationship.

At the very least can you plant some seeds by having a general chat to the parents about your kids growing up and how you've been talking to your DD about the dangers of sending photos, pressure in relationships etc. you might be able to gauge from this what they know about what is happening.

Pollyannas idea is also pretty good

Frazzledmum123 · 27/02/2017 05:49

I completely understand your reluctance to break the confidence of your daughter but I have to agree with kissassangel on this, you've been entrusted with information and I think you need to do something. I think you should have a talk with your daughter and be honest, tell her some things are too big for you to not do something about and get her involved with how you should handle this - could she get her friend to come to you to talk or would it be better for you to go direct to the mum.

I know from experience how damaging this can be. My first bf was 16 and me 15 and he constantly badgered me to go further than I was comfortable with. I was strong enough to end it just before I turned 16 as I felt I'd 'run out of excuses' once I turned 16 but not before he'd basically spent several months touching me way too much. It led to years of struggling with sex as I'd tense up even when I was comfortable with my partner and even issues with breastfeeding my baby as I felt uncomfortable having someone desperately grabbing at my boobs. I wish someone had intervened with me

By the way, well done for raising what sounds like a lovely caring and switched on kid who obviously feels she can talk to you when needed. I hope my daughter feels the same when she grows up x

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2017 05:51

I'd want to know. The girl thinks she would be impolite. She sounds very naive and her parents need to know she's not yet equipped for the teenage world.

1frenchfoodie · 27/02/2017 06:24

I like your approach and think breaking the confidence of DD and through her, the friend could have negative consequence but is the friend naive because her parents are? Could you sufficiently subtily bring up the perils of dealing with sexting, dealing with naughty pic requests with them?

ImGonnaSingTheDoomSongNow · 27/02/2017 06:31

I would agree with others and say some kind of intervention needs to happen. Yes the girl may be upset but in the end it is the lesser of two evils. Perhaps speak with the school safeguarding team and they could do some talks or whatever in school. Or speak with the boy's parents? Others probably have better advice on how to handle but it needs acting on. I would hope an adult who knew this was happening to my daughter wouldn't keep it to themselves.

Wriggler79 · 27/02/2017 06:35

Your daughter sounds great, and a good friend. No advice, sorry - just wanted to thank the previous poster who linked the Childline app. My daughter is 9 but I'm already aware of how young she's likely to be when exposed to this sort of thing so it's good to know there are such clever resources available.

VintagePerfumista · 27/02/2017 06:36

He is not a "lovely" lad, and her parents need to be told.

If they are reasonable people, they will deal with it appropriately and without it impacting on your dd's friendship.

Iggi999 · 27/02/2017 06:40

"Naughty pic" is not the right way to describe illegal images of an underage child.

stolemyusername · 27/02/2017 06:51

You need to tell them. If she sends him any image there's never anyway of getting it back. It's terrifying how fast images like that are spread also.

I really think that on this occasion the safety of this girl comes first. The parents don't even need to let her know how they know, they could've randomly checked her phone.

NotYoda · 27/02/2017 06:59

If they go to the same school, I would inform the school. They will know how to deal with this