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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DS being excluded because of his disability ?

502 replies

youcantgettome · 25/02/2017 16:30

I hope not.

So my DS has language difficulties and Autism. He is 7. I joined him into our local football training, I was a bit apprehensive because DS hasn't played football ! (Has an odd kick of the ball) and I didn't know how the team would take to him. But anyway I went along with it.

To my surprise, when I took DS to football, he was engaged in the game. He was playing around, kicking the ball or tying to get hold of the ball to kick it. Though, when the coach was giving out instructions he found it hard to follow, didn't really join in the warm-up as he has slow language processing...so when the coach was shouting at exercises.. DS would process the information and do the instruction but the coach and the others kids have moved on to the next exercises instruction. Ifyswim.

But other than that, I was amazed how DS did in the match...he was throwing the ball appropriately, kicking it, stopping when the players stop it. I was proud as before he would of found these difficult.

But after the session, the coach told me that maybe it would be better for DS to go to a specialist football team (there's hardly any) as its due to his understanding of language or processing of language is slow. Also, he cannot provide the attention DS needs and he has to attend to all the other kids.

I do understand but I felt a bit deflated. DS in my eyes, did excellent as he has never played footie ever ! Plus his social skills difficulties etc... he seemed he did ok. But I don't know, should we look elsewhere ? Should I give up on DS doing football ? I told a friend this and she was shocked and thinks DS was excluded because of his disability ? But I've heard that football is quite competitive so the coaches naturally are ?? Idk.

What do you mumsnetters think ?

OP posts:
WateryTart · 26/02/2017 06:31

I volunteer at an Arts Centre and we strive to be inclusive but sometimes we just can't accommodate every child. The performing arts classes are all volunteer led and we sometimes ask parents to stay or provide a carer for their DC if there is an issue as there is only one volunteer per class. We are not in a position to pay for someone ourselves and still keep the classes affordable. We aim to break even but still run at a loss and subsidise from our own pockets.

For example, for some years we had a DC with very limited sight and it was essential than she had a 1 to 1 for exercises which involved free movement around the hall. This was for her safety as well as the others. The leader could not possibly be expected to watch out for that one DC and all the others. The parents understood this and usually one of them or an older brother came with her. That's a reasonable adjustment.

She couldn't participate in everything we did but then neither could DCs in the group with other physical disabilities, sometimes people sat out for a few minutes while others were participating in a set task. That's a reasonable adjustment. Workshops can't be run around the needs of all participants we can only aim to be as inclusive as possible without stopping doing "essential" warm up activities. It would be a very limited session if all participants had to be able to take part in every exercise.

Reading some comments here has me quite worried that there are people who think we should just shut up shop.

LouKout · 26/02/2017 06:32

He didn't make an adjustment of any kind though. Just kicked the boy out.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 26/02/2017 06:36

One session and asking him not to come back isn't a reasonable adjustment though.

I find it really depressing when people make sweeping statements or make assumptions about a child with SN/disabilities when in actual fact they have no idea what this child, or any other, has to contend with every day. It's NIMBY-ing on an epic scale, and all it does is teach my sons and many other children that they don't belong. Which is bullshit, because they do.

WateryTart · 26/02/2017 06:51

He didn't make an adjustment of any kind though. Just kicked the boy out.

I agree that seems very unfair. But I'm trying to see all sides. If he doesn't feel competent to deal with OP's DC and find adjustments what can he do? Larger groups can pay for training for their volunteers, this just seems to be a small local group without the money for training volunteers. He feels out of his depth and has no previous experience, I think he panicked a bit. In a larger set up he could probably chat to other coaches who do have some experience and could help or advise him.

I'm sure there are inclusive groups somewhere near the OP and hope she finds one, especially as he enjoyed it so much.

As I said before we aren't a family that's into sport at all but I have heard how competitive such groups can be, it's not something I'd want for my DCs.

Just because I feel a bit sorry for the coach doesn't mean I think it's right.

cowgirlsareforever · 26/02/2017 07:01

I am finding a lot of the posts on this thread depressing.
I have two ds who between them play a lot of sport. In my experience if there is an exceptionally talented child all coaches are happy to give that child extra time, extra attention, tailored coaching and so on. The message that's coming through loud and clear on here is that a player at the other end of spectrum, a disabled child who just wants to have a go, is a burden, a nuisance and their parents are wrong to think the world revolves around them. As I said, it's depressing.

LouKout · 26/02/2017 07:41

It is

JacquesHammer · 26/02/2017 08:10

Following a really bad nights sleep wondering how I could have got it so very wrong I just wanted to say to all the parents on this thread how sorry I am.

I still maintain my motives are genuine - my suggesting that children with SOME additional needs might have safety issues remains however much you try and dress it up as competitiveness or being unable to be bothered.

However I would be absolutely heartbroken to cause offence/distress and make someone feel they're not wanted.

I maintain you need a very thick skin to volunteer and deal with all the criticism and I just don't think I have that anymore.

Rather than inadvertently cause distress I have decided to give up - it is possible as some of you said maybe I am just the wrong type of person to be coaching.

Apologies once again

LouKout · 26/02/2017 08:18

Or maybe you WERE wrong in this respect but now have learned something important so are very much the right person? Flowers

JacquesHammer · 26/02/2017 08:20

It just doesn't change anything. No extra volunteers. No ability to accommodate certain needs therefore I think it's time to quit.

There are problems I just can't solve

LouKout · 26/02/2017 08:21

Well..your choice

JacquesHammer · 26/02/2017 08:23

I think it's the right one. It feels right.

CosyNook · 26/02/2017 08:26

Yes, you are right. It is sad the Ops son couldn't keep up and the OP recognised this. Its sad that there are two or three posters who seem to have all the facts and have jumped to the conclusion that disablism has taken place.

Maybe the Coach realised in that one session that he wasn't able to accommodate the son. How many sessions would you find acceptable for him to come to this conclusion? Two, Four? Twenty?

Maybe the team play in leagues where only the best are selected, NT or not? Where to be in the team the kids need to fast, quick thinking and skillful?

Maybe the other 10 kids or so in the team have problems and this is their one chance a week to shine? Perhaps their parents have just separated, their sibling is ill/severely disabled, they are struggling at school? etc

No. All that matters is one child here, as sad as that maybe.

If my son was a rising star in football (and most parents think this (and rightly so)) and the team changed to one that became more of a kick-around I would be moving him to another team where his talents where encouraged and developed - because my child matters too.

JacquesHammer · 26/02/2017 08:26

I took over two years ago to stop the groups from folding. I've spunked loads of cash on equipment to be spares for those that didn't have it.

And my washing machine is going to celebrate it doesn't have kit to wash Grin

Two years is a long time to live and breath something. I think this was the push I needed to make a change and stop trying to juggle so many things!

LouKout · 26/02/2017 08:27

Lovely that people see this as something that kids with SN need blamed for.

LouKout · 26/02/2017 08:28

Bet those NT kids are glad you are fighting their corner against a kid with SN cosy. Go you. Its such an unfair world for the able.

WateryTart · 26/02/2017 08:34

Jacques, I hear where you are coming from. Sometimes all of us in the voluntary sector feel like throwing in the towel and saving money, time and energy. We are somehow expected to be perfect and accommodate all, when it just isn't possible. Don't be pushed out of doing something you love doing.

You've taken an unfair bashing here. Please reconsider - but I understand if you feel you can't.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2017 08:34

Exactly, it is football for young children, not the premier league! Really, the children's football sounds more competative, than the adults non league football. It is sad, but it is how it is for children with SN, not only in Football but in other activities. My daughter who has ASD, learning difficulties goes to Brownies, but we have to get a carer to support her, as they have so many children, they told me they can't give her the attention she needs. Also, she goes to dancing, again a carer accompanies her, as they would not be able to give her the attention she needs, and her needs are so much that they do not have the time or expertise to help her.

CosyNook · 26/02/2017 08:35

Lovely that people see this as something that kids with SN need blamed for.

No, it's people like you who make people give up, not the children. Clubs will fold and all children will suffer.

LouKout · 26/02/2017 08:36

Well, hopefully your replacement will not throw in the towel because of one online thread from the parent one child who was excluded Jacques.

LouKout · 26/02/2017 08:36

People like me? Amd err the law.

LouKout · 26/02/2017 08:37

Its nice to see that i, as an MN poster, have so much power though Grin

CosyNook · 26/02/2017 08:38

No the law says 'reasonable' not 'unreasonable'

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 26/02/2017 08:38

No. All that matters is one child here, as sad as that maybe

Literally nobody said that! One week isn't enough to assess whether the OPs DS would manage, or enough to cause the other kids progress to "suffer". Dress it up however you like, but OPs kid wasn't given a chance and it's obvious. Fair enough, if after a few weeks he was struggling and the other kids were struggling I could see the coach saying "maybe it's not for him", but he did what so many people do to my kids on a regular basis, he wrote them off without giving them a chance because it was hard work. Until you've had that happen to your kid, wind your neck in with your statements of "fact"

JacquesHammer · 26/02/2017 08:39

Replacement? Oh bless you 😂 do you honestly think we'd be struggling along with two of us if there were others willing to help.

I have already accepted I got it wrong and am making steps to ensure it doesn't actually happen. FWIW we have never turned a child away. Ever.

But I cannot compromise my belief that the sport wouldn't be for everybody therefore I am not the right coach.

If that's throwing in the towel so be it. I prefer to see it as making the necessary changes to ensure I don't distress people.

LouKout · 26/02/2017 08:40

Ok. Well its a strange reaction to a thread on Mumsnet but hey ho.

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