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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DS being excluded because of his disability ?

502 replies

youcantgettome · 25/02/2017 16:30

I hope not.

So my DS has language difficulties and Autism. He is 7. I joined him into our local football training, I was a bit apprehensive because DS hasn't played football ! (Has an odd kick of the ball) and I didn't know how the team would take to him. But anyway I went along with it.

To my surprise, when I took DS to football, he was engaged in the game. He was playing around, kicking the ball or tying to get hold of the ball to kick it. Though, when the coach was giving out instructions he found it hard to follow, didn't really join in the warm-up as he has slow language processing...so when the coach was shouting at exercises.. DS would process the information and do the instruction but the coach and the others kids have moved on to the next exercises instruction. Ifyswim.

But other than that, I was amazed how DS did in the match...he was throwing the ball appropriately, kicking it, stopping when the players stop it. I was proud as before he would of found these difficult.

But after the session, the coach told me that maybe it would be better for DS to go to a specialist football team (there's hardly any) as its due to his understanding of language or processing of language is slow. Also, he cannot provide the attention DS needs and he has to attend to all the other kids.

I do understand but I felt a bit deflated. DS in my eyes, did excellent as he has never played footie ever ! Plus his social skills difficulties etc... he seemed he did ok. But I don't know, should we look elsewhere ? Should I give up on DS doing football ? I told a friend this and she was shocked and thinks DS was excluded because of his disability ? But I've heard that football is quite competitive so the coaches naturally are ?? Idk.

What do you mumsnetters think ?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 25/02/2017 23:33

OP - apologies for the massive derail. Hope you find an activity that works for your son

bumsexatthebingo · 25/02/2017 23:55

Funny how it's only parents of disabled kids whose parents are expected to qualify as a football coach just so there child can go. At least they'd actually get paid though so it's not quite as bad as the disablist trolls who helpfully suggest the parents of disabled kids should quit their jobs and go and help their child out in school for free if they're struggling. They're always fun.

PuraVida · 25/02/2017 23:55

Our local leisur centre does a thing called kickabout ( I think it's like a franchise thing, they do parties as well) it's more football skills than competitive league matches. Might be worth seeing if you can find one near you?

CosyNook · 26/02/2017 00:02

Why dont you volunteer then Bum set a good example?

MsJamieFraser · 26/02/2017 00:03

I think on this occasion OP YABU, the coach has basically said he is not qualified or has the time to teach your ds.

I'm a grassroots coach, and I have a little one in my team who needs an additional 2 hours work on top of the routine training/games etc...

Now maybe parents only see what we provide on the pitch but their is a lot of background also (new skill drills, making it fun, development training, team work, first aid, safeguarding etc... at the moment I can provide the additional training, but most coaches do it voluntarily, and t fit in between family and work life.

bumsexatthebingo · 26/02/2017 00:03

Volunteer for what?

JigglyTuff · 26/02/2017 00:13

Statistically - I know that.

None of us want to take anyone to court. But imagine how frustrating it is to have pretty much every single activity barred to our children. Not because they're not very good - actually sometimes they may be better than yours in terms of their physical prowess. But because they don't learn in the same way or they behave 'oddly' or whatever.

It's not just excluding for the children, it applies to the parents too - it's not just the activity itself, it's all the social interaction that goes with it. We are othered and isolated as families. And that's something that no one ever thinks about. We are cut off from the community.

manicinsomniac · 26/02/2017 00:19

It isn't always a negative or hindering thing if a child with AN requires a larger share of a coach's time than other children - even if it means that the take longer to pick up a new skill or don't progress as quickly. Safety is one thing but, if it's just about taking a little longer to process and follow, I think it's a real shame your son isn't being included.

I don't know much about sport; my expertise is in performing arts. But I think similar problems come up in terms of selctiveness and inclusion.

Just as an example - my 9 year old daughter is a competitive, high level dancer. She's got a lot of talent but around October I was seriously considering pulling her out of our studio because of her attitude. She was becoming a self obsessed little prima donna who only cared about being the best. Then, in November a little girl with cerebral palsy joined the studio and became friendly with my daughter.

Just after Christmas she came out of a class saying her and 'Lucy' (not name) were going to a duet in a competition. I was a bit surprised (due to DD being so competitive) and she must have picked up on that because she said, 'it's fine, I don't mind if I win any more, I like being with Lucy more. And she's doing really well now, she can nearly do a whole turn'

That comment, to me, reflected more progress and learning than anything else she has achieved this year. If it's taken her longer to get her triple pirouette because the teacher's attention has been concentrated on helping Lucy find her balance and master a single then I really don't care. Lucy's presence is turning my conceited, overly driven 9 year old into a good friend who values the personal achievements of other people - obviously a much, much better lesson!

If she does want to go on to do professional training then yes, the groups she works in will have to get more and more selective. My older daughter is at a full time stage school and, although there are children with AN there, there aren't any who aren't top level performers. But, for young children who are just learning and having fun, I would back no exceptions inclusion all the way.

StatisticallyChallenged · 26/02/2017 00:24

Jigglytuff, I'm well aware of the challenges that those with SEN face as I'm actually autistic myself. I spend my life excluded, just in more subtle ways as I'm an adult.

But, perhaps as a part of being autistic in my case I'm also very very logical and practical and for me, it doesn't make sense to make activities unavailable to everyone because they can't be made accessible for some. That's not saying I don't believe people, companies, clubs, organisations should do what they can because they should. But I don't think being rude and borderline abusive (which some on this thread have been) to people who volunteer for the love of a sport is remotely the right way to go. They're volunteers, they have no obligation to do anything and (as we often see on threads on here) it's often done at the expense of time with their own families.

bumsexatthebingo · 26/02/2017 00:32

I don't think that them being volunteers excuses excluding kids with sn. I've volunteered my time at a number of schools and also for 2 charities over the years. I still had to abide by rules and the law. If I had discriminated against a child with sn during my time in.Schools I doubt they'd have said 'aww it doesn't matter - she's giving her time for free'. I wouldn't have been considered suitable for the role - and rightly so.

bumsexatthebingo · 26/02/2017 00:33

*unsuitable

StatisticallyChallenged · 26/02/2017 00:47

Again what is reasonable for a school - whether supported by volunteers or not - is very different for what is reasonable for a small club run entirely by volunteers.

Discriminating because you cannot reasonably meet someone's needs is not the same as just Discriminating because you don't want to.

bigearsthethird · 26/02/2017 03:06

It seems this child isn't good enough to be on the team because of his Sen. It's a team sport so it is competitive whether you like if not. It's a requirement of the team to be able to work at or near a particular level . The coach, most likely a volunteer cannot accommodate a child with Sen. He has been honest about that and I don't think that makes him a wanker.

He would also not be able to accommodate a child in a wheelchair in the team. Should we then be jumping up and down saying the wheelchair bound child should not be excluded because that's disabilist?
What about a blind child? What about a child who has a deformity and can't run? Where is the cut off point?

My child can't join guides. Because he's a boy. Is that sexist? No it's a requirement of the group to be a girl.

Someone suggested that if the club couldn't accommodate a disability it should be shut down. So then no one can go. What a messed up attitude.

Unfortunately the ops child has a disability and on this occasion the disability means he won't be able to keep up with the other children. There are however groups and clubs where he will be able to keep up and some posters have added some links to these.

That is being useful and hopefully the op will find somewhere fantastic where her son can thrive at his pace.

angeldelightedme · 26/02/2017 03:18

Some of the sn parents on this thread ( not the op)are being unreasonable idiots. The world does not revolve around your child.P eople have suggested the effectiveness of the training scheme and the safety of the other athletes should be compromised to include your child. No! Coaches give up time and considerable amounts of money because they have a passion to coach not babysit.others have suggested the club absorb the cist of paid help ie putting the fees up for everyone! None of
these things are reasonable adjustments for a small volunteer led club!

LimeBubbles · 26/02/2017 03:48

The world does not revolve around your child.

they just want some understanding, for their kid to be involved, for some reasonable adjustments to be made, such as Asking what can be done to help him rather then just saying don't come back, that's not saying the world should revolve around them, for saying they should get to be involved with groups with their peers

There isn't very many special needs only clubs really esp in some places, so in some cases they just won't be able to join any.
The world does not revolve around NT kids either, it won't kill them having someone who is slightly delayed doing the warm ups with them. It might even be good for them.

EmeraldScorn · 26/02/2017 04:22

Could you maybe try to set up a little 5 a side team with other local mums? That's probably a stupid idea but maybe worth considering if you can't find a "specialist club", although to be honest your son should have been made welcome at the club he first attended without question.

I hope you can sort something out for him soon, good luck!

angeldelightedme · 26/02/2017 04:22

Op saw a delay in the warm ups but the coach saidvit was an understanding of verbal instructions. I suspect he got the measure of the ops son and cancelled some of the drills he had intended to do. I know it doesn't seem like much to you but many kids take their sport very seriously and if being held back by others they are not puyshing the boundaries of what they can do ,which is the only way to improve.otally defeats the object . you see someone a bit weaker, the coach sees 15 kids being held back

LimeBubbles · 26/02/2017 04:28

I suspect he got the measure of the ops son

In one session Hmm in one session he got a small glimp of his first try at football (which anyone would be slow at when first begining) not the measure of ops son. to refuse after one session is stupid the ops son might of gotten more of the hang of it once he'd gotten used to it

angeldelightedme · 26/02/2017 04:35

To be fair we weren't there.the coach was and has presumably ycoached many many kids before and has a better idea of how things are going to pan out.

angeldelightedme · 26/02/2017 04:37

He didn't say it was a problem with his lack of footballing skill but a problem with his lack of understanding

LimeBubbles · 26/02/2017 04:44

Ffs I'm out, I hope your son finds a good football club op, im sick of twats justifying every week why special needs people can't go in their places for reasons.

It's football for 7 year olds ffs it should be about fun and inclusivity it's not Olympic training. I don't think it would of killed anyone for the coach to ask how to help and offer to keep him in the training even if not the matches.

angeldelightedme · 26/02/2017 04:53

No sports training is about progressing otherwise why have a coach!

LimeBubbles · 26/02/2017 04:56

It's 7 year olds and I'm sure the ops son would of progressed to

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 26/02/2017 05:58

Some of the sn parents on this thread ( not the op)are being unreasonable idiots. The world does not revolve around your child.P eople have suggested the effectiveness of the training scheme and the safety of the other athletes should be compromised to include your child. No! Coaches give up time and considerable amounts of money because they have a passion to coach not babysit.others have suggested the club absorb the cist of paid help ie putting the fees up for everyone! None of
these things are reasonable adjustments for a small volunteer led club!

Your disdain for anyone who isn't NT is disgusting, much like many other people I've sadly encountered over the years.
Oh and I'm not an "SN parent", I'm a mum of 3, 2 of my kids have SN, one doesn't. Just like my boys have SN, they are not SN kids.

LouKout · 26/02/2017 05:59

Discriminating because you cannot reasonably meet someone's needs is not the same as just Discriminating because you don't want to.

He didnt try.

Angeldelightedme theres no need to be so bloody rude.

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