Which of these scenarios is the fairest?

[User24689]

Would love some opinions on this dilemma which has caused argument between myself and DH this evening.

Scenario is we live overseas, both sets of parents live in UK. One set live together in midlands, other set are divorced and live at opposite ends of country. We have one DC who is 1 and is very much loved by all grandparents but due to loving away has not spent much time with them at all.

Planning trip to UK later this year and discussion has arisen about which is fairer:

1. Time is split between 2 families. So one set of grandparents gets 2 weeks and the other gets 2 weeks. This means the second set actually only get 1 week out of the 4 we are home because they are not together.

1. Split the time evenly by 3. This means the 'together' parents only get 1/3 of the time through no fault of their own.

Before we had DC we would spend some time with our parents separately but now all they want is to spend time with DC so that doesn't work.

Which option is U?

But to the 'half' voters - and I mean no offence to OP or anyone else - what happens in the scenario where there is only one GP on one side of the family and two divorced GPs on the other?

We would still do exactly the same thing: allow each partner half of the available time to spend with their family. How they divide it is up to them.

Not read all the replies.

I'd do 50/50 because if I were the OP or her DH I would want to spend as much time with 'my' family as possible and as little with the in-laws. IYSWIM.

If it's divided in three then the DH would have to spend 66% of the tine with his in-laws.

To me it would all depend on my personal schedule ... so say for example you had to fly into London, your mum lives in Brighton, your DH's family in the Midlands and your dad up in Manchester, but your DH was brought up in the Midlands and you were brought up in Manchester.

I would fly in to London, then go up to the Midlands for 7 days, during which you will see DH's family and anyone else DH wants to visit with in his hometown, then up for 7 days in Manchester during which you will see your dad and anyone else you want to visit with in your hometown, then 7 days doing our own thing as a family, then 4 days visiting mum then travel back to London to fly home. Any travel time to get between the varouis places would be taken from mum's "entitlement" (hence the slightly shorter trip with her) purely because you will only be visiting with her in Brighton, not her and other people, therefore she gets a little less time to allow for that.

That way everyone gets to see their family, but more time is given to family who also just happen to be in the same place as other people you also want to visit rather than it being specifically an equal split per side.

I would do 3 long weekends with each of the grandparents - Thursday - Tuesday for example or Friday-Monday. Then spend the other days with friends.

I think a third each is fair.

My view is that the child involved has an equal right to know all their grandparents and the OP should be allowed the same time with her parents.

Placating the in laws isn't a good reason to give in to this idea.

I appreciate they want to spend time with their son and grandchild - but their wants are no more, or less important than those of the OP's parents and more importantly to the OP and her child.

Divorce is sadly not uncommon. Playing top trumps because you stayed together is somewhat distasteful.

We don't know the reason for the split, but how would any posters advocating a 50% arrangement here feel if they were one of the OP's parents who got marginalised because their DH had left them for example?

As has been pointed out, your child is not a timeshare. And you and your husband are going to have a lot of travelling on this holiday, with family you are visiting in the Midlands and at opposite ends of the country.

You have three locations you are going to be visiting. Long journeys between each. It makes sense to spread the time between those locations equally. The fact that two people are at one location, and only one person is at each of the other, is irrelevant. You get to spend the same amount of time with each of those four people. The four grandparents get to spend the same amount of time with you/DH/DC.

That two of the grandparents are there at the same time does not alter anything. Unless these two people are planning to whisk their grandchild away from their spouse at every opportunity? No? Then what are they kicking off about?

TBH the fact that they've kicked off at all, and that your husband is ready to capitulate just because they kicked off, is reason enough for me to query the priorities of the three of them.

Here's the obvious solution: don't have children with people whose parents are divorced, particularly if you are daft enough to think that their time with their parents isn't as important as yours.

Whaaat? There are 'consequences' to divorce, and divorced people should be 'punished'!? Yes, smite them down......anyway, moving on.....
Scenario 2. because then no one individual GP gets less time with your DC. If the spending equal time with your parents is an issue then there's nothing stopping your DH spending half the time with his parents is there? You could go to your respective parents alone with DC if necessary. And, the bit I really don't like is, basically the people who shout the loudest and make the most fuss get what they want? And those who don't make a fuss and say, whatever's easiest for you, get to lose out. Nah to that, if it was me in that situation, I'd do the opposite and give the most easy going and less troublesome GPs the extra time, whoevers side of the family they were on.

I honestly think it's ridiculous to get her up over the difference between 10 days (a third of the month) and 14 (half of it). Do whatever is convenient for you in terms of travel arrangements.

It's not a judgement on people who get divorced. My own parents are divorced. I can't monopolise family time because of that fact.

Isitjust I completely agree with you. It's outrageous to say there are consequences to divorce (I'm not btw). Yes to equal times for each unit of parents. And it would rub me up the wrong way if people started complaining to get their own way - even if it was my family. I wouldn't have a problem if my dh wanted to spend a little bit of extra time with his parents though.

It's also a good idea for you to have a few days to yourselves, maybe meeting up with other friends or just chilling.

TheBrilloPad I posted and then read your post!

"If your family kick off that much, tell them you can hire/rent a place in the middle and they can both come to you together."

That's just want I was getting at.

I came back to mention the Xmas thing and Brillopad had already mentioned it. Sorry Brillo, I agree with your mother, it should be 1 in 3 not 1 in 4, but obviously it's up to you - if you don't want to go, you don't want to go. Your inlaws are getting two Xmases in 4, your mother is getting one in 4 and your dad one in 4.

People will say why should the inlaws who have stayed married miss out just because the other set split up? Well, why should the set that split up be effectively punished with less time just because they did split up?

I've separated from my ex. Even if we were together I wouldn't wish the other set of grandparents to miss out. What a miserly attitude to have. It's all moot anyway as I'll be telling my kids to have Xmas at home with just their families if that's what they want. I won't be upset if they wish to do that.

We used to be expats. Don't know if you have done a long trip with your DC before but it sounds like you might be doing a lot of schlepping from one end if the country to the other and might end up not being fun for anybody. Are you planning to stay with the various parents or do you have your own I dependent accommodation sorted for any part of the trip? What about seeing friends? (though having willing and bailable babysitters on hand may make seeing friends much easier!) Might it be an idea perhaps for you to stay in an Air bn b somewhere in between your parents and get them to come to you in successive weeks rather than doing so much travel?

A few other drivers .....

Are you going to be jet lagged when you arrive? Which set of GPs or GP will be most help when you arrive? A couple of days 'recovering' at the start, shouldn't necessarily count the same as a couple of days mid holiday.

Do you all have to travel together? I used to come home a few days ahead of DH and spend those days as extra with my parents - I wasn't working, so didn't have a limit on holiday days, but he was more restricted.

Do you also want to visit friends while you are over? Which GP is most conveniently located for catching up with old friends and using GP as babysitter for the odd night out.

Which GP will be most welcoming and easiest to 'use as a base'?

Dh's parents are divorced,mine aren't. We also have siblings. So every other Xmas we spend with each side. That means more Christmases with my parents but the same number of Christmases with each set of siblings/our kids cousins.

It's not just about grandparents but wider family.

i also stand by treating my parents as two people - so there are four grandparents to split the time with - it just so happens that two of the four are in the same location. If I had three tickets to see my kids in a concert I wouldn't give only one to my parents because they are still married.

I would think in detail about what you have planned, other people -family and friends who live in the areas you are visiting and journey times and factor that in.
Then as someone said upthread - I'd probably do a 60:40 split - so DPs parents get 40% (or 20% each ) of the time and both your parents get 30% each and then 'sell it' as your parent only get 5% more than if you did a 50/50 split and DPs parents only get 5% each less ...
Or even DPs parent get 10% less time than with a 50:50 split
(Don't focus on the 20% difference....)

My parents are together and my inlaws are not. We live near both inlaws so a fairly moot point but for xmas etc we split the time 50 50 between families and then divy up that time as necesary. I have loads of extended family whereas DH does not so dh and I chose who we see during "our" time.

I'd get cross at his mum and dad if they think how much time you spend with your parents has anything to do with them! I'm the child of together parents married to a child of long divorced parents. We see all sets of parents frequently. But we are all adults (well, our kids aren't), and if we want to see each other, we ring and arrange it. They don't suddenly get the urge to see us because we saw the other one. I get on well with his dads wife, pre kids we went to a film together. I didn't do the same with his mums partner. Or my husbands step dad. Or my own parents. If I would have had to arrange all that, I wouldn't have bothered with the first one, which would have been a shame.
Do what you and dh want, not what you feel pressured into doing. I've spent different amounts if time with my kids GPs according to how much it suits us / them at the time, it doesn't have to be consistent.

Are your parents less nuts than his?

How about 'rewarding' people for not being controlling twats, whatever their marital status?

Yy that the child ours not a time share! Do what suits you best as a family.

For what it's worth, Personally I don't get the idea that the still married gps should get two weeks and the divorced a week each. Perhaps if they were doing one to one time, maybe - but both gp will see the dc the while time they're there - the presence of a second grandparent didn't change that!

I'm sort of the grown up version of you kid (different circumstances but same issues). I was given much more time with my mum's family than my dad's, and it really shows. I love them all dearly, but wish I'd had more to do with them growing up, because there's just not the same closeness. So because of that, I'd say 1/3 each.

There are consequences, just like there are consequences to having several children, or moving abroad.
I have a wider family to visit, so my "time" would be split further whereas my DH family is local to his parents so they are all are seen at the same time. But I don't demand extra time for my side.

Divorced parents could divide their time between themselves, just like they did when they had their own access requirements.

Third each is fairer but I probably wouldn't insist on being totally fair, for example if one person has more space and is more set up for a 1 year old I'd spend more time there.

I don't know about that happy but I'm out experience it's also important to spend time as a close family unit i.e. Just DH, me and DC. Especially as the DC get older and start school. It depends if they need to set a precedent now or not. I've no idea what the family dynamics are like.

An alternative is to book a 2 week self catering somewhere and suggest grandparents do too. We do this each year, far more comfortably with IL's. each have own place, meet in day if convenient.