Which of these scenarios is the fairest?

[User24689]

Would love some opinions on this dilemma which has caused argument between myself and DH this evening.

Scenario is we live overseas, both sets of parents live in UK. One set live together in midlands, other set are divorced and live at opposite ends of country. We have one DC who is 1 and is very much loved by all grandparents but due to loving away has not spent much time with them at all.

Planning trip to UK later this year and discussion has arisen about which is fairer:

1. Time is split between 2 families. So one set of grandparents gets 2 weeks and the other gets 2 weeks. This means the second set actually only get 1 week out of the 4 we are home because they are not together.

1. Split the time evenly by 3. This means the 'together' parents only get 1/3 of the time through no fault of their own.

Before we had DC we would spend some time with our parents separately but now all they want is to spend time with DC so that doesn't work.

Which option is U?

A third each from me - give or take.

I'd say half each, and I don't see anything wrong with him trying to avoid his parents kicking off and feeling hard done to, I'd do the same, he can hardly control their behaviour, they are who they are, just as yours are who they are.

It would also depend for me on who else you would want to see in each place; if you all grew up in the Midlands or both previously lived there so have siblings, cousins, friends etc to see there then it would make sense to spend more time there so you can see others.

There's more to it than just the grandparents

Do you consider your child to have four grandparents or six? Are your parent's partners long established figures who will always be in your/your child's life, who will be baby sitting/ buying gifts/ a part of your family?

Because if the above is the case surely it isn't about who's family is who but how much time you can spend with all your loved ones?

And I agree with PP's btw - your child is not a timeshare!

So, for instance, Trifle, if the parents went to visit overseas, it would be perfectly acceptable to say to the couple you can come for a whole week, but to the separate parents, sorry you can only come for half a week each? Nonsense.

You have no idea why the parents aren't together but you want to penalise them for it. Do you have personal experience of this kind of situation? It's very difficult to manage and to be fair.

I don't see how time should be split 25% each, unless they only spend time alone with the child rather than as a couple.

It doesn't matter who's together and who's not.

There are three sets (two of whom are individuals) of family to visit.

Why should any of them get more than any others.

You are the parents so you get to decide and everyone else can fuck off with their opinions!

Saying all the above I like the idea of a week at each "set" then a few days to yourselves or with friends or cut the visit short and get a few days back at home.

My parents are divorced although my dads dead now so it's s redundant scenario but why should my mum and step dad get any more time than my single father or dps single mother? Just because they are a couple?

GabsAlot: I don't see it as them being penalised. It's an inevitable consequence of them not being in the same place. My parents are divorced but I'm not going to force my DH to spend more time with my family than we do with his. He has the right to see his family as much as I see mine.

Half for each side of the family. It's not your fault that one set of grandparents live apart. If they have a problem with having less time, they should bury their differences for a fortnight and meet together.

A third is the fairest, surely. So his parents get 2 weeks and yours get 1 week each? That's not fair. People get divorced. You don't punish then for it! And it's not a punishment for his parents they get the same amount of time. It's just the way it is.

MrsandMrsSmith: I wouldn't be telling them they could only come for half a week each I would be telling them that X amount of time is available to spend with my half of the extended family. My DH has the right to spend half of that time with his extended family (parents, siblings, etc).

They would be getting the same time with their parents in total as their partner got with theirs. It would be really unfair to set a precedent whereby the total time available to spend with extended family always had to be given more to one family than the other because they got divorced.

So,just to be clear, you think someone like me should get less time with their (hypothetical!) grandchild just because my XH had an affair? Seriously? It's not my fault my XH was a wanker.

One week with each of the grandparents and a week on your own as a family to preserve your sanity!

Anyway, OP you should split the time according to how it suits you. I think 1/3 each group is fair but it should be whatever is practical.

A week each and then on the final week plan a holiday somewhere and say any grandparents who would like to attend are welcome - unless they really don't get on, that is.

I was looking at it more from the point of view the grandparents will want to see the grandchild more than their kids . If your DH wants to see his parents for longer, or they him, then let him stay for 2 weeks with them and you do a week and go and have a nice relaxing time with your mum. You shouldn't have to stay the whole 2 weeks with them. Your parents will want to see you/your DS.

The people who are behaving badly in this are the together parents who have kicked off.

SoupDragon: I don't see it as splitting the time with the grandchild. I see it as splitting the time available between the two sides of the family. The only fair way I can see to do this is to do it equally: 50:50. I happen to have a huge family - siblings, nieces and nephews, divorced parents, the lot. If we split the available time according to people there are to see, my DH's family would rarely see him. We don't. We split it 50:50 and I see individual members of my family on fewer occasions. Because that is fair.

Well it will take some time to move between places. I'd assume 1 week in each place, with other week to mop up travelling between and maybe stopping places for a couple of days just you guys.

Just do what works practically in terms of journeys etc. It doesn't have to be fair to the day....why would anyone count anyway....they should all just be glad to see you.

TBH, I think you have been too meticulous in working out e act divisions of time and giving different scenarios to the GP. It would have been better to just say 'we can come to you for about a week to 10 days at the start/middle/end (depending on what works for traveling in a loop)'

Don't obsess about exact fairness and don't let them either.

When we travel around visiting relatives, sometimes one group just see us for 2 days and the others for 8 days.....it's just how it sometimes works out for practical reasons....and it's fine. You and they shouldn't be counting hours and minutes.

Let's put it this way. The child spends 50% of their time during visits with the couple. The child spends 25% of their time with each of the separated grandparents. This goes on for many years. Inevitably the child will have more opportunty to form an attachment with the couple that with their other two grandparents. Is that fair on the child?

I would split your time into 4. 1 for each set of (3) grandparents and then one for you DH and DD to do something alone together.

I can see DH's point in that to you and him there are two families and two very strong attachments, so the deal for you and him compared to dd is different. He wants to spend half the holiday with his family and for you to have half with yours - whichever parent you're with, you'll all still be with your family, so his experience is 1/3rd his family and 2/3rd yours.

However for dd there are three separate groups. Tough one! It's one of those hidden joys for children of divorce like trying to negotiate a wedding without the use of barbed wire segregated areas.

I don't think there can be a right answer. I would probably go with the half and half since dd is so little and your and dh's need to see your own families is probably stronger than hers yet, and because wider family will be able to be involved with both those visits. I agree I wouldn't be advertising to the family groups who got what time or putting pressure on yourselves to be scrupulously fair and time share yourselves out. Apart from anything else you're setting a precedent, so it's worth setting carefully.

Half each family is the only fair way....the couple who divorced could choose to spend time together and therefore an extra week with grandchild

I think you would drive yourself crazy trying to treat everyone equally. Make plans that suit you and your dh and ds while still including all gps. You have to think of the travelling, budget, where you will be staying, flexibility in case dc is ill etc.