Which of these scenarios is the fairest?

[User24689]

Would love some opinions on this dilemma which has caused argument between myself and DH this evening.

Scenario is we live overseas, both sets of parents live in UK. One set live together in midlands, other set are divorced and live at opposite ends of country. We have one DC who is 1 and is very much loved by all grandparents but due to loving away has not spent much time with them at all.

Planning trip to UK later this year and discussion has arisen about which is fairer:

1. Time is split between 2 families. So one set of grandparents gets 2 weeks and the other gets 2 weeks. This means the second set actually only get 1 week out of the 4 we are home because they are not together.

1. Split the time evenly by 3. This means the 'together' parents only get 1/3 of the time through no fault of their own.

Before we had DC we would spend some time with our parents separately but now all they want is to spend time with DC so that doesn't work.

Which option is U?

Expatosaurus

Is your real identity Solomon? That is inspired!

If we are talking 28 days, then I'd do maybe 5 days with together parents then 8 with one divorced lot, 8 with the other then the last 5 back with together parents so they do get slightly longer but not significantly and they also get two visits split apart.

Grandparent A gets 1 week
Grandparent B gets 1 week
Grandparent C gets 2 weeks
Grandparent D gets 2 weeks.

How could anyone see that as fair?

Next point is would 2 weeks with the IL drive you to Timbuktoo?
(would me!)

1/3 each so you get equal time with your Mum and Dad and your DC get equal time with all their grandparents - it's not about them seeing you, it's about you seeing them.

I'd just do what YOU want and not be pressurised by anyone. Thirds seems fairest to me. Noone gets divorced to be awkward, and your inlaws need to grow uo if they plan on kicking off about it.

TheStoic:

Parent A gets to spend 18 days with her family.

Parent B gets to spend 9 days with his family.

Not fair either.

Half time visiting your family and half time visiting his.

I would be aiming to spend 50% with each family to be honest. How that family sets itself up during that time is up to them. One of the far away parents can come nearer to the other for a few days and vice versa.

It would only be the same if he had lots of relations to visit...half time showing your baby off to your side, you can divide that time how you like.

I'm still baffled.

Not fair either.

We are talking about child/grandparent time.

If it's adult/parent time, he can stay with his parents as long as he likes. I'm tipping they'll still kick off, if his child is not with him.

Sometimes there is no right answer/solution so have to look for the least problematic solution. Since problem seems to be the decision between 50/50 or 1/3 each then perhaps its possible for everyone to compromise a little and agree on 60/40 where the 60% is split evenly between the separated grandparents.

No Trifle.

He would get 9 days with his family.

She would get 9 days with half of her family, and 9 days with the other half. Unfortunately her family aren't 'one' any more.

I'd have a week with each sets (so 3 with parents) and a week alone somewhere doing something as a family at the end.

This, you should get a break too, it's your holiday after all.

I think half time with your family and half with his - however it's subdivided then is up to each parent surely.

I mean you might for example say oh I only want one day with my dad and the rest with my mum - it split how you want.

Otherwise the set of parents still together are punished and see less of their child.

I'd base myself for half of the holiday somewhere in between a divorced parent and the smug marrieds, and let them all visit! Then I'd move to the other side of the country and do it again.

Then you get your own space, can have days out like a proper holiday and have visitors when it suits you (even 3 parents at once!).

I win the the internet today! 🥇

Head how can they be seeing less of the child if as individuals they are seeing an equal amount to the other individuals?

I am getting too invested in this thread but some people have a strange idea of what's fair.

MrsandMrsSmith: So 18 days with her family in total then?

Third each.

TheStoic: But part of that time is for half of the couple (in this case the dad) to enjoy spending time with his family as a whole. I love spending time with my mum and my baby. I love spending time with my dad and my baby. I wouldn't imagine that I should get to spend twice the time with my parents, enjoying them building a relationship with my child, that my partner gets to.

I would want to see my parents for half the time. I'm afraid it's just one of those things that if you have divorced parents.

I'm going to refer to my earlier point and then give up.

Grandchild spends twice as much time with two grandparents than they do with the other two grandparents over several years and so they form a greater bond. That can't be fair.

If this is the type of crap you are dealing with when your child is one year old then good luck. I'd do what suits you and your husband. Life isn't fair unfortunately and I'd tell the grandparents who are kicking off what to do.