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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Which of these scenarios is the fairest?

133 replies

User24689 · 25/02/2017 12:03

Would love some opinions on this dilemma which has caused argument between myself and DH this evening.

Scenario is we live overseas, both sets of parents live in UK. One set live together in midlands, other set are divorced and live at opposite ends of country. We have one DC who is 1 and is very much loved by all grandparents but due to loving away has not spent much time with them at all.

Planning trip to UK later this year and discussion has arisen about which is fairer:

  1. Time is split between 2 families. So one set of grandparents gets 2 weeks and the other gets 2 weeks. This means the second set actually only get 1 week out of the 4 we are home because they are not together.
  1. Split the time evenly by 3. This means the 'together' parents only get 1/3 of the time through no fault of their own.

Before we had DC we would spend some time with our parents separately but now all they want is to spend time with DC so that doesn't work.

Which option is U?

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 25/02/2017 13:46

The baby is one - the baby doesn't care where he is or who he is seeing.

None of the grandparents have any claim to your baby's time. And you are not just the thing that totes the baby around, you are also a person who would like to see their relatives.

So it comes down to where you and your DH want to spend your trip when you visit really! If it's going to drive you crazy to spend two weeks with his DPs, then don't. If you would like to spend two weeks with your DM, then do.

And his DPs are going to be in the same space with the baby. It's not like one will be shut out in the garden while the other holds him. They will each get the week with him, together!

INeedNewShoes · 25/02/2017 13:46

When I read threads like this I always think that there is no way I would pander to one set of grandparents having a tantrum over fairness of time spent (unless for years on end one side of the family had been neglected). Its so childish and would certainly not make me inclined to spend my holiday with them full stop!

EweAreHere · 25/02/2017 13:48

1 week per family. 4th week to yourselves.

Don't schedule your entire holiday around pleasing other people. It's a trap. You will be forever expected to do this.

Stabbytheunicorn · 25/02/2017 13:51

If it's 4 weeks (28 days) I would allow 7 full days with each set. A cross over day between for travel.

day 1 arrive pm
Days 2-8/ set 1

Day 9 travel. Leave late am. Arrive set in the pm

Days 10-16/ set 2

Day 17 travel. Leave late am. Arrive set 3 in the pm.

Days 18-24/ set 3

Day 25 travel. Leave late am. Arrive family time pm

26 & 27 your time
Day 28 - travel to airport.

I'm a bit of a planner and would definitely split time by each set of GP's

diddl · 25/02/2017 13:52

I'm not sure that I'd be trying to be "fair" tbh.

Presumably parents can also come out to you at some point?

Will you be staying with parents & if so, where is everyone most at ease?

If I had to have a week with my MIL & then a week with my FIL, I wouldn't be wanting 2wks with my parents just because iyswim.

In fact I don't think I would want 2wks of staying with my parents & yes we do get on!

However I do have friends near my parents that I would want to see & none near ILs, so if I did stay for 2wks, it would be with the idea that quite some time would be as a b&b!!

GatoradeMeBitch · 25/02/2017 13:53

1 week per family. 4th week to yourselves.

I think this sounds best. Let's face it, who really wants to spend more than a week visiting a relative? Do the family circuit for three weeks, then you'll have one week to relax.

moobeana · 25/02/2017 13:53

Split by 2.

It's unfair to parents who stay together otherwise!

TheAntiBoop · 25/02/2017 13:55

We do half each as otherwise they are being rewarded for being divorced (as opposed to being punished!).

I don't like to be treated as a couple - dh and I are two people. So why divide by 3 and not 4?

TheBrilloPad · 25/02/2017 13:57

I have this problem at Christmas. My mum (divorced) said it was unfair she was getting 1 xmas in 4 (her, then in laws, then dad, then in laws) and that she should be getting one in three (her, inlaws, dad repeat).

I said DH had a right to spend every other xmas with his family, like most married couples, and it was just the way it fell due to my parents not being together. She didn't like it, but tough. So with that in mind, I would probably do 50/50. You should spend half the holiday with DH's parents and half with yours, otherwise he is spending 20 days out of 30 not with his own family on a rare visit to the UK, and you get far more time with yours, which seems unfair on him.

If your family kick off that much, tell them you can hire/rent a place in the middle and they can both come to you together. And if they aren't amicable/mature enough to do that, then tough, their loss, they get less time.

FrenchLavender · 25/02/2017 13:58

Assuming you will spend your whole four weeks staying with parents one way or another, and given that you will have to travel quite long distances between all 3 sets of grandparents it makes most sense to split your time roughly equally between the three households.

It's daft to say that the 'together set' only get a third of the time due to no fault of their own as this assumes that the other two 'apart' grandparents are somehow at fault and don't deserve as much time with their child and grandchild because they had the temerity to get divorced!

FrenchLavender · 25/02/2017 13:59

But if you have the option to have a week alone then go for one week at each grandparent's house and a week alone.

9GreenBottles · 25/02/2017 13:59

Split your DC's time equally between all three grandparent locations but your DH spends a few extra days with his parents before he travels to yours?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 25/02/2017 14:03

We do half each as otherwise they are being rewarded for being divorced (as opposed to being punished!).

Shock why should they be punished for being divorced????

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 25/02/2017 14:05

*Split by 2.

It's unfair to parents who stay together otherwise!*

Seriously what is wrong with people? So it's OK to be unfair to divorced couples but not the saintly ones who stay together

FrenchLavender · 25/02/2017 14:10

Right okay, having read the thread and all the different opinions, go to the together parents for 10 days, and go to the divorced parents for 7 days each. That way no-one can be perceived as being punished or rewarded (which is an awful way to look at things anyway) and the difference between time with his parents and time with her parents is not so pronounced in favour of the divorced parents. And the difference between time with the grandchild is not so pronounced in favour of the together parents. Plus they get a few days left over to go somewhere on their own.

MrsandMrsSmith · 25/02/2017 14:10

So, one last comment from me.

OP I really think you just do what suits you and your DH and DC and don't be bullied by demanding grandparents.

But to the 'half' voters - and I mean no offence to OP or anyone else - what happens in the scenario where there is only one GP on one side of the family and two divorced GPs on the other?

Italiangreyhound · 25/02/2017 14:10

Upwolves part of me agrees with LucklessMonster "Your child isn't a timeshare to be divided up scrupulously fairly. Do whatever is more appealing to you."

But realistically, I think it is fairer to treat each adult as a unit and give them a week each. The parents still together will therefore get two weeks between them. The parents who are divorced will also get one week each. Fair.

TheStoic if 'Third each' is fair to you because you think anything else is
'... to punish them for being divorced'; I'd say that third each looks like punishing the ones that stayed together!

I agree with potoftea, "I'd say half each family. Otherwise the together parents get less alone time with child. They have to share with their partner. Whereas separate grandparents each get a week of one on one time."

and Trifleorbust "Split by 2. The person with parents who are together shouldn't get less time with their family as a whole than the person with parents who have split."

I'd also agree with Witchend "... don't let them know how long you're staying with the others."

You do not need to make the time exactly equal, one family may end up with half a day more or less this time, it doesn't mean it will happen every time. Don't set up the expectation you will always be able to do everything totally equally.

Do you trust any parents enough to leave the child with them for the day, the night, so you and your dh can have some alone time?

IF you trust one parent or one couple more (e.g. think they will do a better job) don't feel you need to tell the other parents about it, you don't! Baby can't talk yet!

PS what kind of jobs do you do that you get 4 weeks holiday all together!!
Thanks

BackforGood · 25/02/2017 14:11

If i were only in the country for 4 weeks, then I would also be wanting to see friends, and maybe other relations, so I'd have to factor all that in too.
If one set live where i grew up, id probably want to spend more time there, to see other folk, for example.
If either of you have siblings, then that would be a factor.
However, I'd also factor in other things like the amount of room they had - 10 days or 2 weeks is an awful long time to have guests in your house, so, if I'm honest, personality would come into it to.

I dont think its as straight forward as equal number of days although if it was, I'd divide between the 3 places you need to spend time.

Italiangreyhound · 25/02/2017 14:12

Trifle is right, it is not just about them being divorced, is about them living opposite ends of the country.

OP If your parents lived in seperate homes but around the corner from each other, would you spend 2/3 of your time in the area your parents both lived and only 1/3 where your Parent-in-law live?

BeBeatrix · 25/02/2017 14:15

MrsandMrsSmith: They wouldn't be getting less time with their parents. They would be getting the same time with their parents in total as their partner got with theirs. It would be really unfair to set a precedent whereby the total time available to spend with extended family always had to be given more to one family than the other because they got divorced

This

Italiangreyhound · 25/02/2017 14:19

Cross posted with BackforGood who makes excellent points!

"I would also be wanting to see friends, and maybe other relations, so I'd have to factor all that in too."
and

"id probably want to spend more time there, to see other folk, for example."

plus, yes, siblings, and for me comfort, would you be staying in a hotel, B and B or back bedroom? Would the back bedroom be claustrophobic so less time there, or would the hotel or b and b pricey so less time there?

As said "...things like the amount of room they had - 10 days or 2 weeks is an awful long time to have guests in your house..."

In the long run OP I would be more tempted to find a nice house to rent (if you can afford it) in a lovely location and invite them to join you (sharing the rent for the time they come for). I'd do this for the first or middle or last two weeks. Then I'd offer out weekend or a few day visits either side or before or after my 'holiday' when I'd go and stay with relatives!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/02/2017 14:19

I'd go to France instead 🤣

However, if you are still going to come to the UK then I'd do one week with his parents, one with your Dad & one with your Mum - I'd have a few days in between each somewhere nice, not a Grandparent in sight.

His parents are individually getting one week with their Grandchild as yours will be. They share a house, surely they can share their Grandchild.

If you need any ammo, then tell them that my Mum would happily share her Grandchildren with my Dad, but she cannot because he died. So, just be bloody grateful that they still have each other & a grandchild! FFS.

Any more nonsense from them & DH could bloody well go on his own.

MrsandMrsSmith · 25/02/2017 14:25

I'm not sure how many people on the thread have been in this situation. I would have thought a lot.

My personal experience is that I didn't live abroad but a long way from any of the parents involved (and they lived a long way from each other) when I first became a mother. My parents had been divorced since I was very young. It would never have occurred to me (or even my now ex despite him being a selfish arse) that my side of the family should only have half the time of his side for visits.

Headofthehive55 · 25/02/2017 14:26

there are consequences to divorce and this is one of them!

MrsandMrsSmith · 25/02/2017 14:31

Heads so based on that I and my child would be punished for a divorce that was nothing to do with us by spending, for instance, half as much time with my DF as my partner spends with his? Let's all stay in unhappy marriages then for fear of not getting to see our grandchildren.