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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Transing a 4 year old

818 replies

ShadowChancellor · 24/02/2017 09:10

On Monday, all the children at my kids school were taught about being transgender because the parent of a reception kid have decided that X is actually Y and are now sending their kid in as the opposite sex and have changed their name.

According to my kid they were shown a video that was all about how if you were a boy and liked girl things and girl clothes you were a girl and it was all very positive.

No parents were told before this happened. We only found out when the kids came out of school on Monday and told us.

AIBU to a) think that transing a kid at 4 years old is more to do with the parents not liking the fact that their kid prefers girls toys to boys toys and b) that the other parents should've been told before they showed our kids this film and promoted it all in school.

Its caused a lot of confusion with the younger kids who think you can change whether you are a boy or girl just by wishing it and didn't mention at all all of the problems that it can cause.

OP posts:

joystir59 · 24/02/2017 14:17

All you parents of 'transgender' children- how would you respond if your child was equally convinced that they needed to remove a limb because it really didn't belong to them and was causing them distress?

CoteDAzur · 24/02/2017 14:18

1st step would be to get a copy of the video they showed the children.

BarrackerBarma · 24/02/2017 14:18

In fact, this whole trend for separating mind and body as if they are two separate entities is really unhealthy.

atheistmantis · 24/02/2017 14:20

If you have female brain traits but were born with a penis, you will identify as a female in a male body and vice versa.

What a load of bollocks. I'm female. I have a set of characteristics which are more commonly found in men. Are you telling me that I am wrongly identifying myself as female?

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 24/02/2017 14:21

Or if they were looking in the mirror believing the reflection to be fat and in need of slimming.

CoteDAzur · 24/02/2017 14:24

This "identify" crap gets on my nerves, too.

I am a white woman. I can't "identify" as a zebra, deer, child, a black person, or a man. What is so special about people who want to be the other sex that we have to accept that they are the other sex?

BurnTheBlackSuit · 24/02/2017 14:27

I do really feel for parents whose child announces "I am a boy" or "I am a girl", against the evidence of their genitalia.

We all want to do right by our children and have all heard the stories of those who have grown up being "denied their true gender" and unsupported by their parents or by suicides of those who weren't supported. There is so much around about transgender children that if your child announces something like this, plays with that genders toys and wears their clothes, then a desire to do right by your child may well end up with you seeking support of CAMHS and trans organisations and by supporting your child in their beliefs.

It is completely different than your child declaring they are a dog- we are not exposed to messages that if you don't support your child in their dog-desires then your child will be mentally disturbed as a result.

It is not (always) the parents of the "transgender" children who are at fault. Mostly, like the rest of us, they are just trying to do their best for their child.

Muddlingalongalone · 24/02/2017 14:28

I've been following this thread with interest all day stuck at home with a sickly toddler. It's not a subject I know anything about despite it being "current" but wanted to share as I've never really known how to respond. Don't want to be offensive but my gut feel is it's strange. None of the other parents have said anything although I don't know them well.

DD1 was in a class with Max in reception who dressed up as Elsa etc. Went in to year 1 and first week back dd comes out of school saying guess who was wearing hair clips/school skirt etc - Maxine. Who's Maxine say I - is she new? No silly Max is now called Maxine I'm told very matter of factly. Apparently even though she was born as a boy she feels more like a girl inside.
No video involved, essentially just a everyone is individual type talk. As far as I can tell just a be kind and tolerant message received by dd.
Only area of concern is if dd accidently calls Maxine, Max then apparently Max can tell the teacher and she can lose a class point.
It's a difficult one for all parties I guess to deal with in the best interests of the child and classmates

joystir59 · 24/02/2017 14:29

Totally with you Cote. And why do we have to pussy foot around the issue with young children in case we cause offence- I love the parents here who have kept it simple with their children and really just nipped the whole ridiculous thing in the bud. How are you helping a child by encouraging the nonsense that they can identify as something they are not? It is abuse.

BarrackerBarma · 24/02/2017 14:31

To be honest, if she'd said she was a dog and had clear reasons for feeling that way I'd probably have gone with that too.

OK. Hang on.

First, your pants are on fire.
Second, you've made it perfectly clear that clear reasons are not something you require at all.

I suspect this was a waste of time engaging with you on the basis of that statement you made.

joystir59 · 24/02/2017 14:31

I tell you why the pussy footing- because MTT transactivists (with all their male entitlement intact) are loud and vitriolic in their campaign to get women to shove over and give them space. Even to the point of insisting that the penis is a female sex organ (because they feel like women and therefore are women), and that referring to the vagina is offensive because some women don't have one (???????????).

AssassinatedBeauty · 24/02/2017 14:32

Muddling your DD will lose a class point if she accidentally calls Maxine Max, even though she's known the child as Max for a year?! And Max would seem an acceptable short form of Maxine too. I can understand it if using the old name is done deliberately to be mean/bully. But to say it accidentally?

joystir59 · 24/02/2017 14:33

Burn. But gender isn't an innate characteristic- RTFT

upsidedownmonkey · 24/02/2017 14:33

Slightly off the OP but while we are teaching our children acceptance of others how about we teach them not to give a shit about what other people think of them - no idea how to do this - I have one child with it the other not so much!
It makes me very proud and a little in awe when my DD(8) challenges gender issues she sees as unfair - she wears trunks to her swimming lessons because it's more comfortable. I did prepare her for being asked if she's a boy or a girl, she decided it wouldn't bother her. Result - it's much easier to go to the loo once she's changed!

joystir59 · 24/02/2017 14:34

Muddling I would complain- the children are being asked to lie, and to deny the evidence of their own eyes, brains and senses- Max is in fact a boy. This is a case of The Emperor's New Clothes isn't it?

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 24/02/2017 14:35

Has anyone explained WTF a "female brain trait" is yet?

Fish . We've talked before, it sounds bloody tough for you & your child.

AQuietMind · 24/02/2017 14:36

Mostly, like the rest of us, they are just trying to do their best for their child.

I dont believe for one moment that encouraging this nonsense is doing the best for their child.

EenyMeenyMo · 24/02/2017 14:39

ragamuffin I don't understand what to feel like a girl is - i know my 6 year old doesn't - or at least his assumption is that girls think differently because they prefer different things in general - being clean for example- so what does your child mean by it? ( i am genuinely interested)
if my child expressed a belief he was a girl i would question what he thought girls were and what he thought boys were- identifying with girls doesn't mean that you are a girl just that you have more in common with girls (or what you see) - as i said before I think the stereo typing starts so young and is so pervasive that i can imagine a child who doesn't fit thinking it was him who was the problem and not the stereotypes. But what does your child think being a girl means?

I think its interesting that a lot of the contributors on this were tom boys- i think it is a lot harder for boys to do stereotypical female things - they are regarded as lower and I think this boundary is harder to cross

BurnTheBlackSuit · 24/02/2017 14:40

joystir59 I have RTFT.
My point was that I sympathise with parents who have been led down the trans path thinking that is the best and only way to treat their child who says "I am a boy/girl" when they are not.

AntiQuitted · 24/02/2017 14:41

My brother tried to cut his penis off with a toy saw when he was 4 because he wanted to be a girl. He's a 50 and has led a pretty stereotypically blokey lifestyle with no hint of discomfort with himself.

It seems that lots more is being read into the simplistic actions of small children. For my brother? My dad was a shit to him, perhaps that was the reason, or perhaps he just got it into his head because he was 4 and anyone who knows four year olds knows they're hardly rational thinkers.

I've had 2 trans friends, one a transwoman, one a transman. I've only ever discussed trans issues with the transman and he said he read about it online and knew that's why he'd felt out of place his whole life and so his whole life is now a story of how he felt like a man and that's why he didn't fit into an all girls school, why he didn't care about danger to himself, why he would punch people, why he didn't care about hair and makeup. He was brought up in a very gender stereotype family and given the diagnosis of his child and what he suspects of other family members it's likely he was an autistic woman.

BurnTheBlackSuit · 24/02/2017 14:42

AQuietMind - no, me neither. But I do think that the parents think it is when being encouraged by society to think like that

joystir59 · 24/02/2017 14:43

Burn OK, Sorry, I misunderstood

BarrackerBarma · 24/02/2017 14:48

If a doctor says "your child has a common cold. Here are some antibiotics." I think, a. you are incompetent, b. No, I will not give antibiotics to my child and c. I may take steps to ensure you do not perpetuate misinformation and potential harm on another child.

If something conflicts with what I already know to be true, I challenge it.

As adults, it's our job to not blindly accept what people who appear to be in authority tell us. For the sake of our children, we are each responsible for challenging anything we suspect to be wrong and not in their best interests.

If I make a duff decision and my child one day asks me why, I want my defence to be "I questioned and challenged everything. I looked at all options. I listened to different opinions. I fact checked. I kicked the tyres of every option and went with the one that held firm, that was supported by the best evidence, that was the most likely to be in your best interests."

I do not ever want to say "I did what I was told and didn't question it. Sorry"

Original poster

ShadowChancellor · 24/02/2017 14:49

I've managed to get the video info from one of the mums. It's this one. On the daily mail website of all places.
I am lily

OP posts:

Original poster

ShadowChancellor · 24/02/2017 14:51

Now I've watched it, I'm not surprised my kid came home with the idea of girls stuff = girl.

OP posts:

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