Aibu to not want to apologise anymore (sex)

[ohmygoshnoonesaymyname]

My dh and I went through a really difficult phase in our relationship a couple of years ago. He struggled having sex but that turned to him pressuring and guilting me into doing things I did not like it was an upsetting time - I accused him of being abusive.

He is better now. We have talked about it and he doesn't do that now. But I can't enjoy sex, I just can't. He also has gone too far the other way he always wants sex but I have to constantly tell him it's ok and apologise for him being upset for the accusations I made which I find really uncomfortable.

Apart from this one little issue we have a really good relationship. So aibu to be so uncomfortable with sex? He tries really hard but I just can't enjoy it.

He used to have coercive sex with you - sex without freely-given consent. He enjoyed that sex despite being aware that you didn't. This is rape and I'm so sorry it happened to you.

Nowadays, you start sex consensually. During sex he says something he knows upsets you (asking for an apology). At that point you no longer want to have sex but you continue because you feel you have to. He knows he's upset you but continues with the sex without your ongoing freely-given consent.

I think he's getting off on the non-consent and, when you're giving consent, he's purposely upsetting you so you don't want sex and he gets to make you continue. He likes non-consensual sex.

I expect he is abusive in other ways. This is not a safe place for you to be. Look at your relationship. Is it the kind of relationship you'd want for your daughter when she's grown up? If it's not, you already know it's very wrong.

It's time to gather up your strength and your self-respect and get out. What he's doing is not ok and you're worth much, much more.

Excellent post Moosey

I think you've delivered a fantastically calm, concise summary of the situation.

I wish you all the best op.

Flying I'm not sure it's just he says why he's asking and then says it's really difficult for him now since I said that and that I end up saying don't worry I'm sorry etc

OP, you told him you don't enjoy a particular thing (which is a big no-no for many women). You're fine with 'normal' sex so not sure why it is difficult for him to continue since you told him you don't like the other stuff.

If he really needed re-assurance, wouldn't he say before sex 'Are you sure you're ok with this? Tell me if you're not at any point, and I'll stop?'

As MooseyMouse says (and I agree completely) he's getting off on the non-consent and, when you're giving consent, he's purposely upsetting you so you don't want sex and he gets to make you continue. He likes non-consensual sex.

Pond55 that's ok, I pinch quotes all the time and write them down in my notebook, I've now included Dr Phil's! Always liked a bit of Dr Phil .
A profound statement indeed.

OP, I hope you're doing ok today, I'm sure you have lots to think about. There's some wonderful advice on this thread. You truly deserve to feel safe, free, happy and secure, to be able to be yourself. Best wishes.

Dr Phil can be 'corny' at times, but there is often quite a bit of truth and common sense in his colloquialisms and sayings.

I like your notebook. I have something similar as a word doc on my laptop!

That's right.
I noticed he has his son doing the same I think now too.
It's nice to be able to look back and read them for a bit of inspiration when needed isn't it :)

Would you consider couples counselling? It sounds like you are stuck in a bit of a trap but that things aren't necessarily too far gone to be improved

It's only going to work if you can both forget the past and start afresh. You can't keep apologising for what happened, and presumably neither can he.

Also, you can't continue being sexually incompatible. Do you want to have more sex or would you prefer things stayed the same? Are you willing to seek help to improve your sex life?

If not then you might have to reconcile yourself with the idea that the relationship will not work. If my DH didn't want sex anymore, and didn't want to see our sex life improve, I would have to end the relationship at some point. I couldn't go through life with no sex whatsoever.

Looking at some of the other posts I think the way he treats you is horrible, it's really unhealthy. I don't think you should be with him.

He is punishing you over and over again op.

Leave. You can't have a relationship with someone like this.

Some people really need to RTFT. Couples counselling is really poor advice when one partner is abusive.

Also, you can't continue being sexually incompatible. Do you want to have more sex or would you prefer things stayed the same? Are you willing to seek help to improve your sex life?

He coerced and guilted his wife into anal sex.
He knew she didn't want to do anal, that she was consenting because he had coerced her.
And rather than stopping the second when she made it clear that she wasn't enjoying, that it was hurting her, instead of stopping and saying they wint ever do it again, he continued penetrating her anus until he was finished and continued to coerce her into doing it again and again and again.

He's now bringing it up during regular sex, he's pretending he can't tell when is wife of many many years is enthusiastically consenting to things and in the middle of sex knowingly makes he feel so guilty that she has to apologise for asking him to stop the anal, he knows she stops enjoying it at that point as he's made her feel bad, but again, continues until he's finished.

I don't think it's the OP who needs to seek help to be honest.

Overthinking if you read my second post I make it clear that after reading the subsequent posts I don't think the OP should be with him anymore.

And also in my OP I didn't say it was just her that needed to seek help. I was referring to both of them. But this is obviously not just a case of sexual incompatible he has been abusive and I acknowledged that in my post.

Sorry this is so late . . .

Hopefully, there's no compromise: no means no.

Just sayin.
If a woman wants to have anal sex, has had it before, wants it again but her partner has never done it or has & doesn't like it, might he get to like it? Is she being abusive if she desperately wants to please him as well as enjoy herself, so she begs, pleads, cajoles, sulks, goes quiet, won't share other responsibilities (kids, housework etc), grumps, withdraws . . .

How could she ask him to do it . . .
(a) because she likes it so much?
(b) to ask him in a way that communicates her desires without being abusive in telling him what she wants him to do.
(c) aren't relationships give & take, learning, compromising, balancing . . .

Just sayin

Overall & with no compromise, no means no.

LTB