Page 5 | Aibu to not want to apologise anymore (sex)

ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 2017-02-23T13:46:57+00:00

My dh and I went through a really difficult phase in our relationship a couple of years ago. He struggled having sex but that turned to him pressuring and guilting me into doing things I did not like it was an upsetting time - I accused him of being abusive. He is better now. We have talked about it and he doesn't do that now. But I can't enjoy sex, I just can't. He also has gone too far the other way he always wants sex but I have to constantly tell him it's ok and apologise for him being upset for the accusations I made which I find really uncomfortable. Apart from this one little issue we have a really good relationship. So aibu to be so uncomfortable with sex? He tries really hard but I just can't enjoy it.

CaptainBrickbeard · 23/02/2017 16:45

Well, it sounds like he wants to abuse you but for you to not call him abusive. He doesn't want to stop being abusive, he just doesn't want to have his abusive behaviour identified as such. That's isn't a dichotomy you can resolve. You don't want to be abused and you don't want to pretend that abuse isn't abuse. He won't be happy with this because he enjoyed abusing you and he doesn't want to accept that it was abusive - but it was. There isn't a way out of that for you unless you allow him to abuse you and deny that it's abuse. That's not an acceptable solution.

Carollocking · 23/02/2017 16:46

He's raped you if you didn't consent that's a fact and as in more than one occasion it's multiple rapes if you didn't want this.
Are you actually happy with this person ? you must see other things he's doing to manipulate you and control even if not direct outright obvious.because for someone to make you seem to feel the way you do it must be more I'd think.
Sometimes it's not obvious the way he's having control but maybe if you take a step back you'd see it in other aspects too,like maybe over money over bills over all kinds if things.
I hope you really consider things more as for you to post here I have a feeling you have more on your mind.

NewPuppyMum · 23/02/2017 16:51

OP - please get some help. This is not a loving equal relationship.

dataandspot · 23/02/2017 16:54

this man disgusts me

Keeptrudging · 23/02/2017 17:03

He's making damned sure that you're going to get no pleasure, ever, whilst still enjoying it himself. Horrible. I agree this is abusive, he's showing no respect or care for you. That's not a loving relationship.

Miserylovescompany2 · 23/02/2017 17:04

This man gets sexually arroused by knowingly causing you pain and distress.

Yet, you have been the one left apologising? Sorry, OP, that's a whole new level of fucked up.

He has abused you. He enjoyed abusing you. He got a sadistic thrill out of abusing you.

Hissy · 23/02/2017 17:15

My love, you need to get out of this scenario as quickly and safely as you can. He's thoroughly abusive and sadistic and is now getting off on reminding himself that he anally raped you and now too that you're begging for his forgiveness

Stop having sex with him. Please

AliceInUnderpants · 23/02/2017 17:16

Have you posted about his abuse before?

Original poster

ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 17:17

Alice at the time (a year or so ago) I did and after that and people being quite horrified and then going into hospital and getting loads of time to think about it I confronted him about it. And it stopped

OP posts:

OverthinkingSpartacus · 23/02/2017 17:20

He guilted and coerced you into anal sex, he knew you didn't want it, he knew you were not enjoying it and he just continue used anyway? I'm so sorry he did that to you OP

You pointed out its abusive to make someone have sex they don't want, and to keep continue having sex when you know your partner is uncomfortable.

He's resentful that you've made him stop making you have anal sex you don't want, he hasn't stopped being sexually abusive, and Im actually worried that he is deliberately trying to make you feel guilty every time you have sex he will end up manipulating you back into the anal sex he knows you don't want because you'll be worried about hurting his feelings.

He's making out like he's scared of you saying he's abusing you again, he's pretending he doesn't know what things you do like and is making out like he shouldn't feel like he has to ask if it's ok in the first place, like you can't possibly expect him to know the difference bewtween consensual sex you are enjoying and sex he's coerced you into and that you've told him you are not enjoying.
It sounds like he is still enjoying having sex with you when he knows you are not enjoying it. He's deliberately making you uncomfortable and unable to relax during sex. That's very very worrying.

balence49 · 23/02/2017 17:24

Did you post about it at the time? Seems vaguely memorable.
He was/is/ abusive. You should not be apologetic about anything.

Yes 16 years is a long time. But if you have a small baby I'd hazard a guess at you still having many many more years ahead of you to live a happy life. So do you want to have had 16 years with him, or a lifetime?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2017 17:25

The more I read, the sicker I feel.

omygosh, there is no way his behaviour can be 'explained away' in an innocent manner. It's vile, abusive, and wrong. Unless he agreed to seek counseling for both his sexual dysfunction and his abusive behaviour I think you should seriously consider LTB.

It doesn't matter how 'nice' he is outside of the bedroom. Nastiness in the bedroom attacks the very heart of any relationship. It's the most intimate, 'sharing' part of any relationship and if a partner would use it to manipulate or abuse, then the relationship is not a healthy one, no matter how it may appear in the other, most public, parts. Remember this: "The measure of a real man is how he treats his wife when no one is looking".

Also, I have a feeling that if you examine your marriage closely, that you will see other incidences of control through guilt/shaming. It's just not realistic to assume that someone like him would limit his control to the bedroom. You really need to look at the totality of your marriage. Do you walk on eggshells to keep him sweet? Do you find yourself 'managing' your own behaviours or your children's to avoid upsetting him?

You need to take a good hard look.

SanitysSake · 23/02/2017 17:32

Well, it sounds like he wants to abuse you but for you to not call him abusive. He doesn't want to stop being abusive, he just doesn't want to have his abusive behaviour identified as such. That's isn't a dichotomy you can resolve. You don't want to be abused and you don't want to pretend that abuse isn't abuse. He won't be happy with this because he enjoyed abusing you and he doesn't want to accept that it was abusive - but it was. There isn't a way out of that for you unless you allow him to abuse you and deny that it's abuse. That's not an acceptable solution.

THIS - All day long.

He keeps bringing it up, wanting you to apologise, because he wants the anal sex issue to be back on the agenda. For you to concede to it, just to make him happy... Because if you were really sorry about what you said, you'd allow him to do it?

He is the worst kind of controlling human being. Twisted, too. Enough, OP. Seriously, enough.

hearyoume · 23/02/2017 17:35

It sounds like he's still being abusive then. It's about control for him.

wowbutter · 23/02/2017 17:39

I am a bit confused...

When he was struggling to have sex, what was it he made you do? Was it a certain position, or a certain act in the run up to sex?
Or did he make you demean yourself, let him hurt you etc in order for him to get turned on?

One thing is okay, one isn't. Whatever it actually was, you said you didn't like it, and felt it was getting abusive, and he has reacted by becoming more abusive and controlling? You need to sort this, and explain to him properly why you said it was abuse in the first place and why it feels like it now.

Apologising during sex is weird, for me, but I ha e seen porn where men shout at women and the women apologise for liking sex.

Orangetoffee · 23/02/2017 17:40

What everybody else has said, he is very abusive. He might have stopped raping you but he is still punishing you for not doing what he wants.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2017 18:00

I'm in agreement with other posters here. He got off on subjecting you to a sexual practice you disliked, and now he gets off on pretty much making you beg for it. He is one sick bastard.

Strongerandleaner · 23/02/2017 18:11

What overthinkingspartacus said

Carollocking · 23/02/2017 18:58

I do remember you posting now you say about it a year ago,I genuinely thought you'd left him.
I wish you had and now your back I'm sure you think that now too

DevelopingDetritus · 23/02/2017 19:17

"The measure of a real man is how he treats his wife when no one is looking". wow, fantastic statement.

Chloe84 · 23/02/2017 19:44

How do you know what it was that OP didn't want to do, originalSpartacus?

Also, this from CaptainBrickbeard is very well said:

Well, it sounds like he wants to abuse you but for you to not call him abusive. He doesn't want to stop being abusive, he just doesn't want to have his abusive behaviour identified as such. That's isn't a dichotomy you can resolve. You don't want to be abused and you don't want to pretend that abuse isn't abuse. He won't be happy with this because he enjoyed abusing you and he doesn't want to accept that it was abusive - but it was. There isn't a way out of that for you unless you allow him to abuse you and deny that it's abuse. That's not an acceptable solution.

DevelopingDetritus · 23/02/2017 19:56

OP mentioned in one of her posts about what he made her do.

Whocansay · 23/02/2017 20:00

He doesn't want to orgasm unless you are suffering one way or another. How is this not abuse?

I'm sorry, but he enjoys your discomfort OP.

Chloe84 · 23/02/2017 20:55

Thanks, just re-read the thread.

OP, this isn't one small thing, this is big. Someone who puts their pleasure ahead of your wishes/unhappiness is not a partner/lover/husband.

He doesn't deserve you.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2017 23:32

I'd like to take credit for it Detritus, but I heard it from Dr Phil years ago! But it was something that hit me profoundly because it is so true. So many abusers are so charming in public, but are simply vile in private.