Aibu to not want to apologise anymore (sex)

[ohmygoshnoonesaymyname]

My dh and I went through a really difficult phase in our relationship a couple of years ago. He struggled having sex but that turned to him pressuring and guilting me into doing things I did not like it was an upsetting time - I accused him of being abusive.

He is better now. We have talked about it and he doesn't do that now. But I can't enjoy sex, I just can't. He also has gone too far the other way he always wants sex but I have to constantly tell him it's ok and apologise for him being upset for the accusations I made which I find really uncomfortable.

Apart from this one little issue we have a really good relationship. So aibu to be so uncomfortable with sex? He tries really hard but I just can't enjoy it.

op How are things outside of the bedroom on a day to day basis how is he towards you? Are you asked to apologise in other aspects? IE if you asserted yourself about something he'd omitted to do (forgot to hoover, late to meet you, .....) would this be twisted at a later date as you having been mean to him, and you'll then have to apologise over and over for speaking out or is this just confined to sex?

Um. This, to me, sounds something along the lines of a version "I've been a bad girl, please have your way with me".

Which when forced is a bad thing and is abuse.

Do you think he understood the distress and dislike you had for it during? Do you feel like He continued regardless of knowing?

No it's just sex . We just get on normally other than that.

Yes Kung he did understand and continueed

I think he's watching porn too and that's no excuse.

He sounds very nasty op. He's getting off on your initial not wanting anal sex and now he's getting off on controlling sex with you unless you apologise.

He's really messed up.

If he knew you were uncomfortable and didn't like it op he raped you. Sorry love but that's what it sounds like to me.

He enjoyed 'forcing' you to do anal and he's enjoying forcing you to apologise to him.

He was abusive, as you rightly pointed out, and he still is now. Making you apologise during sex is sick. He isn't going to admit that he is abusive. You are being unreasonable to stay in a situation where this nasty cunt continues to abuse you.

Sounds a terrible unhealthy life that I know I couldn't be involved in,sounds like he is controlling in other ways but you maybe don't see it that way

How does that make you feel about the man he is op? Do you feel like you understand what his actions mean in clinical terms?

Sorry for asking so many questions, but I feel questions help us to understand ourselves and the situations we find ourselves in, but don't feel that you have to answer them on here if you don't want to.

Who's getting a hard on about the bloody introduction / analysis / suggestive deductions & suggestions, nay is it not a finding of fact, that there's porn involved?

How did that bit of guess work and the very introduction about porn, just how did it morph into becoming the root of all of the other half's evil?

Iwanttogetitright People have suggested it. I think that is a fair comment given how many men watch it.

There is nothing inherently wrong in watching porn. It's how its approached.

But are we not in agreement that the OP's other half is coercing the OP into his own sexual fantasies?

I don't know if he watches porn. He might or might not I don't know.

Kung - I was upset about it but I wish he would stop reminding me of it and just get on things I would be happy with thatS

op I'm glad it's okay I'm other aspects. But that also raises the question as to why he can handle other "feedback" without constant apologies. It doesn't make sense that he needs constant apologies for your speaking out against something you didn't like if you two are no longer doing that. It might make some amount of sense if you had changed your mind, and requested it and he needed reassurance that you really do now like it. (Clutching at straws here)
Moreover what's most concerning is you've told Kung that he did understand but still continued.
You shouldn't have had to put up with that, and you shouldn't ever, ever have to apologise.
We don't know your dh, but you do. You know him and you know yourself, you need to consider if you're being respected and being treated fairly. From what you've described it sounds as though he was not only abusive then and still is because he's manipulating you into apologising for not liking it.
Do you feel like you want to stay?

Oh it's just not acceptable. He's making you apologise during sex or withdrawing affection. And punishing you if you don't do everything according to his script. This man doesn't understand mutual consent (or doesn't want mutual consent).

You have nothing to apologise for.
He pressured you into sexual acts that you did not want.
you were brave enough to recognize this as abuse as called him out on it but he doesn't accept that. It sounds as though he's punishing you or feels guilty about having assaulted you and need you to accept the "blame" for the problem to absolve him of culpability.
If he is otherwise a thoughtful husband is it possible that specialist counselling might help you?????????
Of course it's put you off sex. Especially with him.

You could go to counselling to learn this, you probably need to anyway. But I will give you the short version which I think you subconsciously know. He gets off on your discomfort and his feeling of control. Before it was anal sex, now it is controlling what you say with apologies so he pulls the strings. No one gets in the mood by talking about this stuf during sex, unless they perversely like the discomfort it creates in you or the upper hand it gives to them. So basically if he is orgasming after these apologies, he is actually getting off on you being not in the mood. If I were you, I wouldn't lay this out for him. I would play him at his own game. Next time you feel like apologising, you instead say 'I am not in the mood now because you are upset'. Knickers back on and watch the telly. Let him be angry. You are getting nothing out if this sex anyway, why should he? It will probably get bad but you need him to raise it with you I think. On your terms.

I'm afraid I would have to leave this relationship. He has destroyed your trust and now you don't enjoy having sex with him. I don't blame you!

If he's acting in such a way how do you not feel sick about him in general,I only ask as surely you must see other things he's doing to manipulate you and control even if not direct outright obvious.because for someone to make you seem to feel the way you do it must be more I'd think.
He's raped you if you didn't consent that's a fact and as in more than one occasion it's multiple rapes if you didn't want this.
Ate you actually happy with this person ?

Could you have a sit down in a neutral environment and state your feelings?

E.g. What happened a year ago was abusive, you have recognised that and changed. I am not going to apologise for calling your behaviour abusive.

I will reiterate I do not want anal sex.'

I do want 'whatever type of sex you want state here'. When we are intimate, I will tell you immediately if there is something you are doing I don't like. I do not want to be questioned by you during sex any more and I certainly will not be apologising to you for behind honest about past behaviour.

And then take it from there? Assuming you a) want to have sex and b) want to be with him?

And yes, if he doesn't stop, then knickers back on. Take the power back - why would you want to be intimate with someone this manipulative

This is an upsetting thread. This is not love.

FFS this is AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Stop giving the op advice like this is some run of the mill relationship issue. It isn't. The issue is her DH is abusive.